I have been married 5 years, have a 3 year old and 6 month old and discovered husbands affair 1 month ago. He broke it off with her but for 3 weeks after I would find they were having contact and finally 2 weeks ago asked him to move out and are now in Plan B. Right before he moved out we had seen a marriage counselor and they recommended a book for us to read which he emailed when he moved out saying he is continuing to read. I dont think that book deals well with our situtation and feel that Surviving the Affair would help us more, but I know he is still involved with his affair partner. He comes to our house to see the children - should I leave the book for him?

Hi amac, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would suggest that you read Surviving an Affair and follow the steps for recovery in it. Your husband won't benefit from a recovery program right now, but you will benefit from the steps in SAA. Most importantly, exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing the affair wide and far will reap the greatest benefits because it will be a splash of reality. Please read the thread linked in my signature and come back and we can discuss.

In the meantime, I would strongly suggest going into Plan B. In Plan B he shouldn't be coming in the house at all. Do you have an intermediary who is handling communication between you? Typically the IM will do the child tradeoffs so you don't have to see him.

Thanks for your reply Melody. I have started reading SAA and it has helped me alot. I wish I could cut all contact but I do not have any family close enough or friends available enough to be an intermediary with our children being so young. I also do not feel comfortable with him taking them out of the house to see them. I dont know where he is living and do not want them around the other woman. We have been able to arrange it so that we do not see each other. I stay out of the house when he is there with the children and he leaves as soon as I come back so I dont have to see him.

Both my husbands family and his mistresses family know of the affair, both families have asked them to stop. She is also married with 2 small children. I have communicated with her husband and he wants to work on his marriage with her also. My husband went and "confessed" to his churchs bishop but then would not return for a second meeting. Our mutual friends also know of the affair. I think I have done all the exposure that could possibly deter them, but they are not stopping.

Amac, this is a huge problem. The reason Dr Harley recommends Plan B for women after 3 weeks of Plan A is because continued contact causes nervous breakdowns and psychosomatic ilnesses. It also gives your husband the "fix" he needs to go out and continue his affair. He has the best of both worlds.

You MUST get this figured out even if it means hiring a babysitter 2-3 x a week to manage the trade off.

As for an intermediary, that can be handled by a friend or family that doesn't live there. Any necessary communication can be managed via email.

Staying in touch with him will be very damaging to you emotionally and will make it harder to recover.


Can you list the people you have told and tell me EXACTLY what you told them? Have you exposed the affair to the OW's family, ie: parents, facebook friends, etc? Is the OW's husband agreeable to the affair?

Please tell me exactly what you PERSONALLY told these people:

1. OW husband
2. OW's parents, friends and family
3. your husbands mother and dad
4. the bishop of your church
5. your close friends
6. your own family

Is this a workplace affair? Where did he meet this OW?

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He needs to take the children with him, but only on the condition that you know where with the stipulation that the children never be exposed to his filthy affair. Plan B is intended to simulate divorce while protecting your emotional and physical health.

The suggestion would be to find an intermediary, go into Plan B, make arrangements with a babysitter [or a friend from church] for a handoff where he takes the kids. When you go into a real Plan B, you would create a visitation schedule in order to eliminate needless communication. With children as small as yours, I would just give him a couple of afternoons a week and no overnights.

As it is now, he gets to come to the safety and comfort of his home and pretend like nothing is wrong. That doesn't help him, you or your children. He needs to feel the full effects of his poor choices.

Right now the schedule is he picks them up from daycare at 5:30 tuesday and thursdays and stays with them till he puts them to bed at 8:30. I go out with friends or to the gym during that time so we have no contact. He has requested a weekend day also and I let him see the kids sunday from 2-8 at the house while i was out and did not see him. I agree that he should not be given the comfort of our house to be with them but how do I tell him he cant do that? To make my situation worse, my husband is a family law attorney. So he knows he has the right to be in the house and if I push him he could file for seperation which could be finanically damaging to me. I make more then him and I would have pay him spousal support, and I could not afford the mortgage on my own so I feel I have to be somowhat ammenable to him with the kids otherwise it will be war.

He met this woman online in a chat room. They talked from sept-Jan (while I was pregnant) and met in Jan, started having sex in April. She lives 2 hours from us, but an hour from his work and he would see her while at work. In terms of what has been told:

1. OW husband, I emailed him and told him husband moved out and my knowledge of them communicating via an app. He said he knows everything already and knew my husband moved out. He said his wife said she is not moving in with my husband, but if she moves out it will be on her own. We have said we will email each other with updates about our situations.

2. Husband said other womans parents know and have asked her to stop. My husband has said her family has also tried to contact him, tht is the extent of what I know with her

3. My husbands paretns know every detail I know as well as his 3 sibilings. They have said they will disown him if he continues this and his sibilings have sent my flowers and texts offering me their support
4. My husband told the bishop everything I know, I met with the bishop after and confirmed. He did lie to the bishop and told him the OW and husband were divorcing, which I did not know was a lie until I contacted the husband who said he is trying to save their marraige.
5. I have told our close friends he is having an affair with a woman he met online and wont stop and that he has moved out.
6. Of my family, my sister and brother in law who are very close to us know everything. I have not told anyone else in my family about the affair though my parents know we are having problems. I dont have a close relationshuip with my parents or extended family so I have not felt comfortable discussing this with them.

Unfortunately, if you don't stop enabling him, things will get very ugly. By that I mean you are facing serious emotional and physical ramifications. Women have nervous breakdowns from trying to win a wayward husband back. You would be better off getting your own attorney and protecting yourself before he takes you down.. There is no benefit to enabling a destructive spouse whose objective is to destroy your marriage for his personal, selfish gain.



This is good. And he does know this is an affair, right? So, he is all right with her affair apparently? Is he an enabler?


You should also contact them directly and ask them to use their influence. It would put pressure on the affair since it sounds like her husband is a cuck.


How do they know? WHO told them? Did you tell them yourself? Or do they know the lies told by your husband?

Do they know the affair is alive and well? Will they reach out to the OW and try to run her off?


Have you corrected this lie with the bishop? Of course, it never really mattered because they are both married. "getting divorced" = married.


Have they spoken to him?


I would tell everyone and ask for their support. But more importantly, you need to go into Plan B. What you are doing is essentially enabling him and that doubles the destructive nature of the situation. It does not motivate him to end his affair.

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As a family law attorney how would he feel if his wife asked him to stay out of the home because his affair was the most painful thing she had ever endured and that she needed peace from his presence? How would he feel if that advice came from a licensed clinical psychologist who had treated women who had nervous breakdowns and PTSD from trying to win back their cheating husbands?

I doubt he would push his selfish agenda on you if that were the case. He can't damage you financially if you have legal protection.

Here How to Plan B Correctly

Everything that everyone knows about our situation has come from me. When he has lied about things to family and friends I go back and tell them the truth.

Some family and friends have confronted him and everytime he insists momentarily that he going to change and then 24 hrs later he is right back to his affair self. I guess I don't know what any additional exposure would do. The most important people in his life are his parents and siblings and they have constantly called him out and he is still willing to give up them, me, our children, his church. He is already isolated and has no friends which is kind of the problem in the first place, he says she is the only one who is there for him and the commiserate because they are both in the same situation right now.

I do understand he shouldn't be allowed the comfort of our home but it so scary for me when i distrust him so much right now to think of him spending time with the kids outside the house. Right now he is either couch surfing or renting a room somewhere that would not be suitable to take the kids. He says when he does get accommodations that would be reasonable to take the kids there he will ask to do that, but that would mean at least a 1 bedroom of his own and there is no way we could afford that and pay our mortage. The only possible way I seem him doing that is if he moves in with the other woman and they split the cost. And once he moves in with her I think I will have to divorce that would be too much for me to handle.

Im taking the kids out of state for a week so he will not have contact, and over fathers day I'm hoping that will give him a taste of things and will continue to try to limit the time allowed in the house with the kids. I don't know what else I can do. Mentally and physically I have been doing much better with him out of the house and have shut down all non essential conversation so I think I'm doing ok so far.

What can we do for you?

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry you are going thru this!

You realize right now your WH has left you for another woman and you are headed to divorce. I am telling you that because I hear you talking about how impossible it will be for him to take the kids outside the house, or get a place and afford two mortgages, etc. If this ends up in divorce (which has a higher liklihood if you enable the affair), he WILL be taking them out and getting a new place. That is the reality of divorce. So using that as your reasoning now is backwards. You force the consequences of his behavior fully on him now, and have a better chance of his affair crumbling.

I would recommend you get legal representation immediately so you can protect yourself, not only because he is a fogged out wayward but also because he is a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and not operate on the fearful assumption that he has the upper hand because he is a lawyer himself. That just supports the enabling and will allow him to walk all over you emotionally and financially. Get your own lawyer so you can keep that from happening.

I have consulted with a lawyer and have them ready to file the separation when needed. I'm a lawyer also, a prosecutor so believe me I'm not scared of his skills as a lawyer but unfortunately I know enough about the law to know the reality of my situation. But you are right, I do need to stop him from seeing the kids in the house.

I emailed more of his friends and her family members on Facebook last night. The OW and WS have both threatened me with restraint orders now, but it doesn't scare me, I know they have no legal basis for one. All I said in my email was that they are having an ongoing affair and asked them to convince her to stop to save my marriage. I have not responded to the OW should I just be ignoring her?

I always feel like the best response is no response. She is threatening a lawsuit because she is panicked and that means your exposures are hitting the mark, so keep it up.

That's what I thought too, thank u!

Have you reached out to her parents? If not, I would do that right away. Additionally, if his parents could also speak to them and HER, it would be very helpful. The fact that she has the NERVE to contact you tells me she is very brazen, so you need to expose her everywhere you can, including her facebook account. Tell everyone. the more people you tell, the more isolated they will be, which makes it much harder for the affair. Telling everyone also ruins any fantasies about the future.


Have you read the thread linked in my signature?

And unwritten is exactly right. It is not a matter of IF you will be divorced, but WHEN. You are headed for divorce now. Your approach makes that much more likely because a) your enabling serves the affair and b) it will tear you down emotionally which makes it much less likely you will reconcile.

By allowing him to saunter in at his leisure, he gets to pretend all is right with the world while he keeps 2 women hanging around to accept his crumbs. On the other hand, if you go into Plan B, he will be STARKLY faced with the cold realities of his poor choices. He will be barred from his home anm having to deal with a 2 infants out in public on his own. As it is now, he gets to enjoy the best of both worlds so this can go for years.

His strategy hurts ALL of you, especially your children.

This question is concerning and signals that you believe a wayward can be "talked" out of the fog, while in an active affair.

They cannot.

If your WH is a family law attorney, I cannot imagine how humiliating it will be to be brought into court and have your filthy affair aired out in front of people you are likely familiar with. Even if he works outside of your immediate area, it is likely he will know the judges and lawyers in that courthouse and they will of him.

So separation process will actually probably be an additional exposure...which is a GOOD thing.

The reasons that you state (possible financial reprecussions or start process of selling your home, etc) are not good reasons to pacify your WH, enable the affair and prevent yourself from going into a Plan B.

You are giving your WH his family fix and you are putting your health at risk.

Having gone into Plan B and Plan D myself, I find it hard to believe that you would be forced to provide spousal support after a short marriage that is ending because your WH is engaged in a sleazy affair.

Hell no. You cannot allow this to continue open ended like this.

~This is making things WAY too easy for him. This is a dream come true for a cake eating wayturd and this will drag out for a long LONG time.

~You will NEVER heal this way. After I went into Plan B (changed locks, etc) there were maybe 2-3 times that my WxH had to enter my home to retrieve items as part of our D process and just those couple of times was EXTREMELY stressful for me. I can't imagine living this way.

I think you are in Plan Appeasement and so afraid to anger your WH and think it will drive him further away that you are in your own kind of fog.

You would be better off filing and starting the process of dividing everything up and force him to parent on his own. It's a harsh reality but it will be better for all of you in the end vs dragging this out over the next months and possibly years.