Did you read this?

You all are right. I facebooked messaged her family and friends and additional friends of WH as well. I have told him he can no longer come to the house and has to communicate by email or text to me sister to discuss finances and child arrangements. Of course he is already fighting this and insisting he get to see the kids in the house but I doubt he will actually cause a confrontation. Has anyone had a WS try to force their way back in?

Also my sister wants to tell him off of course, but then will that make it so she can't be the intermediary? Someone needs to!

My attorney advised he does have the right to be there and I would have to pay spousal (CA does not care about infidelity only domestic violence would exclude spousal). My husband does not work in the county were we live, but he is not telling me where he is living right now and I have a suspicion he maybe living in the county he works (its closer to OW also). I can actually see him hoping to establish residency there so we can divorce there because he does know the Judges there and thinks it will give him an advantage. Its a 3 month residency requirement so i will be sure to file in my home county before that 3 months is up just in case. I don't want to go to his ghetto hell hole.

Thanks for your support and encouragement. Anything else I should do?

YES. They almost always try to force their way in somehow. Waywards fight Plan B with a vengeance because they do not like losing control over the situation. This move will force your H to face the reality of his poor decisions and he will fight this. I would expect him to just arrive and walk in to put you in your place.

I would strongly suggest you change the locks TODAY. If he wants to get access to your home, he will be forced to go before a judge and get a court order and I have NEVER seen a WS do that. I have seen many threaten legal action but when the BS's lawyer objects the WS backs down.


Let his parents, friends and family tell him off. Ask your sister to hold a neutral front. She needs to agree to be a SPAM filter, nothing more.

I would put together a very regimented visitation schedule so that you have very, very minimal contact. You want to get everything put to bed that you can so your IM is not having to relay endless messages.

ALSO, she should not pass on anything in his words. She needs to ONLY pass on pertinent info about kids and finances. nothing more. He will send long, dramatic messages about you are mistreating him, blah, blah, blah. you should never see those.


Your attorney needs to be prepared to fight for you and defend your decision to be in Plan B. The advice to go into Plan B comes from a licensed clinical psychologist.

ALSO, it is better to file for divorce while the WS is in the throes of his affair because you will get a better deal while he is fogged out. This doesn't mean you have to end up divorced, just that you get the best legal protection possible while you can. If his affair ends, you can always discuss reconciliation.

I would also suggest you send the Plan B letter described in SAA with a copy sent to the OW's house with a note to her. Go to page 77 in SAA.

I'm afraid I did things backwards and left the plan b letter and then did more exposure, is the order important? How important is the note to the OW? I know they will just laugh and me and call me crazy behind my back and I hate that! But I guess they are already doing that. I just know it's gonna cause him to contact me again and make more restraing order threats and I don't want that.

Once you are in Plan B, he should have no way to contact you except through your IM.

The beauty of Plan B is that you will cease to care if they are laughing behind your back. You won't know what he is doing and will slowly cease to care. If he decides to threaten you with more lawsuits you won't know that because your IM will filter it, along with all the other fog babble.

It doesnt' matter in what order you do exposure versus Plan B. That is ok.


It's pretty important. She will laugh but it will scare her because you are telling her and him you will be there. By removing yourself from the picture, though, the focus will turn to THEM and their rotten, doomed affair. That will make her nervous because without you in the wings she will have to step up in a huge way and that will put pressure on the affair.

Also, you won't know how they react because you are in Plan B.


You need to make sure he doesn't get through. In Plan B, it is up to you block him. Block his cell, email, etc. Turn OFF your answering machine if you have a landline.

Got it. Ok I blocked his cell and all his email addresses. Also blocked her. I don't know where she lives for sure, I got an address on her husband but can't be positive. I think I will file for separation next week (I'm currently out of state with the kids). Im thinking i will send her the note when I do that, that way the will both know its not the end?

Did you read this?

Send your sister the IM training link that is in the Plan B thread. Can you change all your contact information so he can't contact you? He is very smart and can just call or message you from a different way that isn't blocked and if will get through to you.

Yes i did read that, thank you. I will send it to her. Its hard though of course she thinks I should leave him and not be doing a Plan B. but she is going along. It would disrupt my professional life a lot if I changed my cell number. If he does make attempts to contact me from another number I will see about changing it.

This is really hard! With the exposure I did and now all the blocking him he is really mad and I know thats pushing him more towards her, but thats the point right? Push them together so it implodes?

What has helped you get through this? I have a lot of friends and family and a job that a love and my children make me so happy but I'm so broken right now.

You are doing great! Did you give him the plan b letter?


He is already pushed towards her, though. That is why we are here. Actually, it will start interfering in his affair because he will be bitching about you. He will become obsessed with getting through to you and she will hear all about it! what a fun date to listen to your MARRIED boyfriend carry on endlessly about how his WIFE won't let him contact her!


If you stick to this and ensure a pitch black plan B, you will start feeling much better in a couple of weeks. It will only improve more and more after that.

Thank you so much. No one understands who hasn't been through this.

Ive been reading more about Plan B and I have a question. I have H's old cellphone that still has his Facebook and work email on there. I think its important for me to see his work email so I can see his invoices so he can't lie to me about what money he is making. On his Facebook, he and the OW are friends, but they have blocked it so that no one can see their friends. (OW is married and still has her status as married). They do not post anything about each other or message each other on there so all I see is that they are friends and their pages. I know part of Plan B is healing and having this ability to check up on him is probably counter to that, but at the same time I feel like if he comes back trying to tell me its over its a good way for me to know if he is being truthful or not.

What should I do with the phone?

I would keep it and use it for the very reasons you gave.

Does he know you have it and have access to these things?

I would definitely keep it. But, in Plan B the purpose is for you to be NC with him to heal, so put it in a safe place and do not check it unless he claims to have ended the A and gone no contact. In fact, maybe you can give it to your sister and she can use it the check his word, then you won't even be tempted to just look.

I think he knows I have the phone but he must not realize those accounts were still on there, otherwise he would have changed his passwords. I've had it for a month now and he hasn't changed anything.

Ya I do look at it more then I should and it is hurtful. I probably should give it to my sister. Hard to do though. I would like to check his work stuff regularly but ya the Facebook is not good for me to see

Facebook has a tendency to logout if there are logins from different locations. My sister used my FB in another country to get access to WIFI in a hotel, I got a e-mail notification and she was locked out.

I don't know exactly how this works, but be careful not to make unusual use of the account, FB might inform him. You don't want to lose this source.

Alright I think Im already not doing Plan B very well but i need advice. I emailed H yesterday telling him I was going to file for divorce this week. It wasn't an entirely angry email, more just pointing out all the choices he made to get us to this place. Of course he texted my sister, the IM like crazy making claims about how he is ready to work on our marriage. I called him and I'm pretty sure he was fake crying and he gave a similar speech as before that he was emotionally ready now and he and OW had agreed to work on their marriages and he was repenting through the church. I was angry and told him I would only consider reconciliation if he quit his job and fly to his parents house by friday. This is because he would meet her at work and we both know he can't stay their for our marriage to work. His reply was "how can I do that" and i just said "goodbye daniel" and hung up.

Now of course I'm second guessing myself. Was that too much of an ultimatum? I think I have to file regardless to protect myself. But I feel the need to have a calm conversation with him and explain why I think he has to do those things rather then out of anger

Have you sent him the Plan B letter with your conditions (EPs) that have to be met before you will even consider working on the marriage?

And no him quitting his job where the OW is, is an EP that you must hold him to.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Here from Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Yes, I was thinking of that part of the book when I gave that ultimatum. It seems the only way to stop the affair at this point other then waiting for the natural death which I don't think I am capable of, but it does seem counter to Plan B. In my Plan B letter i did not specify any conditions other then the affair end and we both make a commitment to work on our marriage.

He def has to quit his job and he started tell me about someone wanting his resume, but I was so mad I said he had to quit and go to seattle by friday, which may have been a bit extreme. But even if he started a job in our home county away from the OW I still would not be ready to let him back in the house, i feel to traumatized, so thats why I said he has to go to Seattle. Im afraid even if he starts another job and remains out of the house the affair will continue.