amac, I am sorry this happened but we could have predicted it. Please use this as a reminder the next time you feel tempted to attempt to negotiate with a wayward.

p.s. we understand how very hard it is to put aside emotions and take a strategic approach. Truly we do. Just know that you will be better able to control your emotions if you stay dark in Plan B. You will feel so better FASTER if you can do that. Contacting him will always make you feel worse. ALWAYS.

Time for my confession and confusion. At work on monday H called me from a number that listed the same city I work in, so I thought it was a work call. I answered and he said "hi its Daniel" and i was like "daniel who" I had no clue it was him. Then when he said it as him I told him I didnt want to talk to him and he mentioned my text, and I said I shouldn't have sent that. And before I knew it he was telling my how torn he is and he knows we can't go on like this and if he does follow my ultimatum of going to Seattle he will do it this weekend, but that he is scared that even if he does it I will divorce him anyway. We both ended up crying, him saying he is sorry (which i have heard before) my telling him I still loved him, and him saying he knows he has to make a choice. He asked how he is supposed to communicate what he is going to do and i said tell my sister, the IM.

I realize that me contacting him when I have said I would not is somewhat like him contacting OW when he says he will not (but obviously his is much worse in terms of betrayal and consequences to so many), but that urge is similar I think. So I am determined to no more contact, to prove that it can be done. But, in situations like the phone, do you just hang up on them?

Also, I don't think he will go to Seattle. But part of my is afraid that he will. If he does and has ended his affair, that means we need to resume contact and I told him I would go up there to see him with the kids. But the thought of seeing him is still traumatic to me. How do you even start again after this, and after not seeing or having much communication for a month now?

Anyone i talk to of course hates the fact that he is still "torn" and i know you all have advised that he needs to come back "hat in hand" So does that mean that if he decided to choose me when conflicted, its not good enough? Even if he does end it and meet my EPs?

Now why would he need to go to Seattle? The conditions should be a) end his affair and b) quit his job. I am confused.

I gave the ultimatum when i said i was divorcing that he quit his job and go to seattle. Seattle is where his parents live. I said that because I believe it will be too hard for him and other woman to not contact each other while they are both here until he has gotten over the withdrawal period, and because even if he were to end the affair I am not ready to have him come back in the house, and I do not trust that if he stays out of the house he will have NC.

Just doing this through the withdrawal period will not suffice. Because he will be in perpetual withdrawal if you live in your same town. You will be dealing with years of his affair if you don't move. That might work if you are going with him until you find a new home in another town. You are very, very correct that he needs to move. But so do you.

Going through withdrawal is an exercise in futility if you are going to drink again.

OW does not live in our city, she lives 2 hours away. He would go to court sometimes in that area so he would see her then, and sometimes she would come down to his work which is an hour away from hers. Thats why i said he has to quite his job and get a job in our home county. His association with her is from work, not where we live.

My thought was the longer he goes without contact, the easier it will be not to contact. so if he goes out of state at the beginning when it will be the hardest to not contact it will give more of a chance for nc when he is back home.

Obviously seeing each other needs to be prevented but my husbands real problem is chatting. he met her in a chatroom online and has an addiction to it, that was another one of my conditions that he get help for that. My big fear is that even if i can prevent them from seeing each other, he will still communicate electronically because that is where his addiction lies.

It will be fine if he just quits his job and stays away from her town forever. Being 2 hours away takes some planning and work but it is far enough away that he is not being continually triggered by running into her.

So that is another gap you need to close. What is your plan for this?

That is going to be really hard. When he first broke it off, we deleted the mail accounts they would communicate on. He gave me all his passwords for Facebook, phone records, iTunes and all remaining email accounts. I deleted the app they used to talk on and installed a password on his phone to restrict from adding new apps. But, she created a new email address and they used that to communicate with each other. Nowdays how can you entirely block electronic communication?

I told him while in seattle he has to give his parents his phone. But, there is no way they are going to be able to monitor him enough to make sure he doesn't get on a computer.

You will have to figure it out. For example, he could get a new phone # and use only a flip phone. He would restrict himself to a home computer and only be on it when you are there. you can password protect it.


Another reason why he shouldn't go there. Once he quits his job, he needs to come home with you.

Yes that is probably right. But if I let him come home and I find contact it will break me. I'm in tears right now even thinking about it. And I don't know if I am strong enough right now to handle the Withdrawal.

Maybe The best solution is for us all to go to Seattle for a week or two. I could handle it better there with his parents I think.

The key is to close all these loopholes so you are safe when he comes home. His life should be so transparent that he would have absolutely no way to contact the OW.

How would that ever be possible though? I would have no control over his computer access at work, and there again they could open an email account that I know nothing about. And since he is an attorney, his contact info will always be online in some form.

You will need to figure this out.

H is not going to Seattle, or quitting his job. His response to my sister was that he can't go this weekend because he is wait to get paid and that he's got a lot of things to needs to decide and to give it time. I did not make any response.

So I will file for divorce this week. I feel like how could I possibly want this man back? He says he is "torn" but clearly by continuing his affair it is a decision against me and his family. We have such a good life. We both make good money, just bought a house last year, we are both objectively attractive people, our children are happy and good natured. We have friends and love each others families. He says he started disconnecting from about 6 months after our first child was born. I admit I was so happy being a mom that I did not focus on our relationship. But i thought he was happy too! He never once told me he was unhappy or wanted more attention from me. And yes our sex life declined after our daughter was born, and when I got pregnant with our son it was non existent. I get very sick during pregnancy. I figured these things were normal, and I still think they are. But his response to this, of cruising chat rooms, having an affair, and worst of all really not stopping the affair when it is obviously so destructive, doesn't that show a person of weak character at best?

I have been saying that I want to see who he is after the affair is over because this person is someone I don't want but maybe I would want that person. But before the affair he was a man who acted happy with me when clearly he wasn't because he was looking for something in chat rooms. Of course at this point, all my friends and family say to be done with him. And I know that is probably right. I just hate the idea of my kids coming from a broken home and I would do almost anything to prevent that.

We knew that he was not going to follow through because threats and trying to "talk" a wayward out of the fog do not work. Do you realize this yet? Because, as I posted to you before, until you understand this, you will be at risk for breaking your Plan B over and over again (which you have already done a few times now).

You now need to focus on being in a true Plan B which hasn't really happened for you yet.

amac!

This is how a BS who is not in a Plan B talks, ok? You can go back and forth and around and around in circles trying to understand and psychoanalyze a wayward. You will make yourself crazy. Please stop.

Your H is wayward and he started disconnecting when he started getting his needs met by the OW. It's that simple.

Anyone can have an affair - it doesn't matter if you were pregnant, had a great marriage, short marriage, long marriage, were happy or not. All that matters is lifestyle and EPs.

You don't need to think about whether you want will want your WH or not. Put that on a back burner and worry about if he ever comes to you promising to do whatever it takes to save this marriage. Until that day, put it out of your mind because your feelings will change day to day and over time so there's no sense in making yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

Nobody wants to give their children a broken home. That's why I personally fought so hard for my M. But that's out of your hands now. All you can control is your side of the street and at this point giving your kids a happy and healthy mom is the best you can do. Ok?