Well that makes more sense than sending messages blasts to all facebook friends far and near. That is what I read. I think catching them in person is best. No denying that with past history. But sadly, I do think think this is an emotional affair as it is a physical one. Day time meets, in semi public places in the next town over are not for sex. Knowing my wife he must fullfill some void in her life. Tough to admit that, but we are adults. Before i started here my plan was to confront and most likely leave. (I have no family local, so thatbwas always and issue). Tell the other wife, (dont have her # but facebook messge her) is it possible he has access to her account? He was deleted and blocked previously on both mine and wife's accounts, but did he get access to his wifes? Hmm? A chance I may have to take. Then do I confront his wife first? Of mine? If I confront her, who knows the reaction she may have. She may not be able to play along call him out instantly. All thoughts running through my head.

I have a job that is civil service. Will leave it at that. It is pension based with time with service credit. Not a transferable job. Also there is no chance to uproot my kids and move. Just not going to happen.

Also money is stretched thin. No extra cash lying around and we have some debt which has led us to marital problems.

Then there is little hope for recovery.

Where did you read this? Can you copy and paste the passage here?

This is what I read in that first post:

"Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner."

Nothing that I can find about telling the "entire town".

And also:

"Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below."

This post instructs you to expose to the AP's "closest friends and family". You can work these out by using surnames, for example. The post also instructs you to use private messages.

I can't see anything that says "message blasts to all Facebook friends far and near", but I must be wrong. Please show me where.

It's not worth arguing the point about whether this affair is physical or emotional. Don't waste your time here nitpicking details, when you need to make a plan to implement what Dr Harley recommends (I take it that you're here to follow Dr Harley's plan, after all).

If your plan all along was to "most likely leave", that doesn't square with your insistence that you can't afford to divorce. I understand that you did not intend to uproot the kids or leave your job, but what did you think would happen after you left by yourself? Were you planning to let her have both houses, while you found somewhere else to leave alone? How can you afford that, if you can't afford to divorce?

And how would your leaving, but continuing to work in the town where you live, help you to avoid the town's gossip? How would it help your kids to avoid it?

What you are telling us doesn't make sense.

I do believe that her family would be supportive. And I believed that then. Mistakes were obviously made. Yes, he is most likely like an addiction now. An escape from family and real life drama. Im sure it serves a purpose in her life. I am in no way justifying it. Just being objective. She loves our kids dearly and goes above and beyond for them. But even the little lies on her whereabouts with no conscience is unbelievable. Does someone living this life ever realize what they are doing. Or do they justify it? I mean we go on family vacations and spend alot of time with friends. Going out to eat and socialize. Does she ever say WTF am I doing? I mean right now she is away with the kids and is making plans for us all to go to Canada next week. She is not with him and making family plans. So conflicted!?!?!

We are very concerned about the financial consequences of divorce, which is where you are headed right now. Are you concerned about those consequences? Your best chance comes from busting up the affair. The best way to bust up an affair is exposure. Exposure is therapeutic.

I didn't have a real plan. I always wanted to save my marriage and stop the affair. Obviously if left with no options i would have to leave. We would seek a mediation seperation, liquify assests. Not keep two houses. That would all be done. That is why I stayed in the first place. Never wanted that. Wanted ti be in my kidslives full time and restore my marriage. Im not sure that is possible. Looking at all options.

I want exposure. But limited. I guess is what I am trying to say. No need to send facebook blasts to "facebook friends". And he co-workers. Or any unnecessary people for public consumption

"Facebook friends of the affair partner" are the people in the town. Unfortunately still some mutual friends of mine and wife. We can't run away. That is not an option.

Really? The whole town is bosom buddies with the OM?

Moving is not "running away." Moving is what will give your marriage a chance to recover. Your marriage will not recover as long as she can run into the OM.

Obviously not. I am hear looking for guidance, compassion, and objectivity. Not a debate. This is a very emotional situation. I get that none of you are personally involved. And its easy to make comments. I believed i was in a place with people who shared similar experiences and would able to help. I have friends that would just say. ***EDIT***. With no legitimate consideration for consequences

I don't think you're either reading the information available on this site, or thinking clearly.

Do not attempt to contact his wife using a means that he could access and block - that is simple common sense.

You said: ". She had become close with the husband of a couple we socialized with. Our kids went to school together and we hung out as couples and group settings".

If you socialised with her, you must know where she lives. You know what school her kids go to. You can find out where she works. Go to her house. Call the house phone, using whatever that number is that makes you anonymous (I'm not in the US and don't know what this is). If her husband picks up the phone, hang up. Don't leave a message on the answering machine. Go to the school at the time she would be picking up or dropping off her kids. Find out where she works and send an email to her work address, or phone her there.

If you really wanted to contact her, you would have worked this out for yourself by now. Thousands of people on this site have contacting the other spouse - I did it myself, when he lived in another country, and I started with only OW's name and surname. 5 minutes of internet searching and I just about knew her inside leg measurement.

Do not breath a word about exposure to your wife, or anyone else (not even your kids or your parents). Do it first, and then when the news gets back to her, calmly deal with her fury. If you tell your wife before you tell his wife, she will tell him and he will spin some story to his wife, making your exposure less effective.

Seriously, this part of the plan is the simplest to follow (although not easy to do - it takes courage). You live in what sounds like a small town, and you know OMW already. You know where the affair couple meets, and when. You've already got everything you need, and for some reason you are chickening out of using it.

We posters on this forum have all done this ourselves; those of us in recovery will tell you that we owe the saving of our marriages to exposure. However, some of us have had to do more, after exposure, and we've willingly done it to give our marriages a chance, and to provide a stable home for our children. People here have rented their houses and moved immediately - several of them have moved thousands of miles away. They have given up jobs in order to move, or the unfaithful spouse has given up their job in order to cut contact with the affair partner. Children have been made to move schools, and move away from their loving grandparents. These steps were the first on the path to recovery, and people have taken them because they would do anything rather than live with an affair, or walk away from their marriages without trying.

Well according to you Prisca, I guess there is nothing more I can do.

Okay, then. Nobody told you to expose to the whole town. You were told to select the closest friends and family when you do a Facebook exposure.

You are. And you are being told what works. Not only for those of us who lived it and are posting to you, but for thousands of other couples that Dr. Harley has helped.

It would not help you to sugarcoat the truth. The path to recovery is very narrow, and if you deviate from it, you will not recover.

There is plenty you can do. But you are not willing.

CG,

Objectivity and compassion say "Friend, we want you to know that what you are doing doesn't work. We have help to offer you from Dr. Harley's expert opinion from working with thousands of couples. He knows what works and what doesn't."

Because we are objective and compassionate, we let people know that there's a recovery plan here that works and that deviations from the plan are disastrous.

We didn't make that up, and it isn't our personal opinion. It's straight from Dr. Willard Harley. If you want to try his plan, we're here to help you. If you want to do something different, we are very sorry to tell you that there's not much track record of success that way, and much great pain.

We were personally involved when we went through this. And as for guidance and compassion - why do you think we, who have been through affairs in our marriages, come back to post to people like you? Have you seen the registration dates of the people who have been posting to you? Have you seen how many posts they've made? Why do you think they do that year in and out, when they have lives of their own to lead - marriages to nurture?

Has anyone here given you the attitude that some of your friends would give? Has anyone here told you to leave her? Do you understand that we're giving you Dr Harley's advice, and the goal of that advice is to give your marriage the best possible chance of recovery?