OW sounds needy and annoying That behavior would get really old for me honestly. But that is just me. We don't know how WH will respond to it and we don't really care do we!

I just want to point out that OW was competing for him. And that is probably why she sounds needy and crazy, because women do not do well competing for a man. You are a much stronger person and have removed yourself from the competition and refused to participate. Your children are lucky to have a strong mama who is taking care of herself and them!

Thanks unwritten for your encouragement! I know it is the best thing for me and them so I will do it - but its hard, she is needy and crazy and he told me that he thought it would have ended soon (when I found out about the A) because they were fighting so much because she was jealous of me. Now that i'm out its scary to think that impact is gone, but i know its what i have to do for myself and my kids.

Does the OWBH have all the evidence you have? Did you share evidence with each other?

He was a bit standoffish when I contacted him. I told him everything I knew and he was like "ya i already know everything" which was surprising to me because it was not easy for me to track down all that I knew. We exchanged emails for about a week with updates on what we knew, but OW found the emails and things blew up. He has not responded to my emails since. Now that i'm in Plan B I don't think its good for me to reach out anymore, will just bring me into their drama. Im tempted to though because I would like to know when/if OW moves out. Probably better for me emotionally not to know, but i am worried about WH having our kids around her.

I should add a couple things. My WH has said that the only reason OW and OWBH are together is because they are going through an adoption. I asked OWBH about the in my last email but he never responded. OWBH sounds in his emails like loves her and is very nice, saying he is working on his marriage (despite knowing the A is continuing which i find odd and pointless), so I don't think they are staying together just for the adoption. WH is also always quick to tell me about "weird [censored]" going on with them, potential domestic violence and talk of restraining orders ( a fav topic of WH and OW) but I haves stopped him and told him I don't care. Lots of issues here though. I am (despite what it appears on these boards) a very strong independent person, have not been one to fluff up my H (but was always careful not to put him down) I believe OW is filing that EM for him of making him feel needed. Plus being a family lawyer, I think that he loves that she needs to come to him about legal advice for her situation.

When you file make sure you put a clause in there that your children are not supposed to be around OW,

Yes, i am going to make that part of the agreement. But i know H will just lie about it, I believe he is terrified to live on his own and have both of our kids with him (though hopefully not often).

It has been a really hard 24 hours. The divorce was filed on friday, but WH has not been served yet, but the fee for the retainer is on my joint card. So my poor IM (sister) of course gets texts from WH on saturday saying the affair is over and talk of meeting my conditions and that he wants to talk to me. So I ask through her for proof that the affair is over and he says there is none, it was by phone and he already erased all his texts. I know this is BS because I have his old phone and see they are still friends on Facebook. So IM tells him no talking until he can prove the affair is over. No mention by him of course that he is aware of the filing or charges. Then today my poor MIL calls and tells me he saw the filing and told her we are done and they need to get used to it. Now everyone assumes we are done which is scary to me. WH and IM have been texting about us potentially talking by phone next week, but I know shouldn't. Im just scared of the animosity that is going to come now. I know I had to do this, and I know that the filing of the D really has no impact on whether he would have ended his affair or not, but it is so scary. MIL said that he has called them depressed the last few days saying it wasn't going well with OW and now I have just pushed them together again. I guess even thought I haven't talked to him, this is not a good plan B huh? I shouldn't have even been aware of all this stuff- but how do you realistically avoid it?

Like I told your IM, just hang tight and ignore the noise! Stick to your conditions and don't even consider speaking to him until he:

1. quits his job
2. ends his affair
3. arrives in Seattle

Until that happens, all this drama is nothing more than just NOISE. I assure you that your filing has shocked him and he is just trying to slow you down while he continues his affair.


You did this at the point of a gun, right?? I assure you that nothing could push an unwilling person towards his OW against his will! Your H is gaslighting his mother and you need to stop allowing her to talk this wayward fogbabble to you.

No, this is not a good Plan B. You may have to find another IM if your sister is unwilling to keep this drama away from you. Does she understand how damaging it is to you?

Tell her you do not want to hear anything else about WH. Until he has *proven* to her that he has met all of your conditions, you should not hear about him. We don't give a rats behind about his momentary intentions and fogbabble. I am confused as to why your sister is falling for that crap.

Plan B MIL if she will also not respect your boundaries about him. I mean it. The only way Plan B is possible, is if YOU WANT IT TO BE. You don't. And if you don't care, why would your sister, MIL, or WH care?

If WH wants to talk about the divorce, he can go through your attorney. There is absolutely no reason to arrange a conversation with you. But you already know this....

Your right, talking to his parents is just as bad as talking to him really, even though they want us to work out they buy into everything he says. But I need some assurance, does it actually happen that you can get back together while going through a divorce? Even in SAA it says to wait to file. I know I needed to but it def feels like a nail in the coffin right now.

You are right unwritten it is all my own doing. MIL I should not even bother talking to and my poor sister just feels so much responsibility with it I think that its hard for her not to let things leak and when a little piece does I want the whole.

I def do not want to talk the details of the divorce with WH so I won't. But of course I'm haunted by what MIL said, she's like "he thought there was a chance for you guys and now he is going to feel like a fool because you filed." Ugh, I know, getting what I deserve...

No, Dr Harley advises people to file all the time while the affair is active because the BS can get the best legal protection while the WS is in the fog.

I am not sure why you say it feels like a "nail in the coffin," other than to say that feelings are not truth. Filing for divorce is not the same as being divorced. And even if you did get divorced, you can remarry if he ever decides to meet your conditions. As it is now, he has no intention of meeting your conditions; he wants you to meet his.

It is very likely that he is just throwing you some crumbs to get you to stop the filing because that will make the reality of his affair too REAL. He wants to keep you hanging around like a barnacle while he has fun in his affair.

I told her to tell you about his LAME offer so he didn't catch you off guard when you exchanged the children. That is a huge hole in your Plan B that gives him the opportunity to speak to you any time.


Right, that is something for the lawyer to manage.


Did you burst out laughing?? Obviously, if he was serious about saving your marriage, he would do the necessary things to....save your marriage! That is completely in his control but he chooses not to do it!

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This comment makes no sense whatsoever. Does she understand that you gave your H the opportunity to save your marriage and he declined? HE DECLINED.

Yes the crumbs always come when he thinks I'm taking action but then as soon as I do he switches gears completely into full on divorce mode, I don't get it.

MIL told me that no one he talked to said he should meet my conditions. MIL AND FIL say they don't want him in seattle with them right now because they don't want to have to hear him talk about this all the time, and they think it is not responsible of him to quit his job when he doesn't have another one. They just don't get it. So unfortunately that just makes him feel more justified in his actions.

Yes she did tell me so I wouldn't be caught off guard, but he can't force me to talk to him. I told her i would just close the door on him. And he really is non confrontational and makes a big deal of not doing anything in front of the kids so I think it is unlikely.

He was telling them that he was going to come up to Seattle next week and take a leave of absence from his job, so in her mind that was meeting my conditions, but problem is, none of that helps whatsoever when he hasn't ended the affair!

This was a test to see if he could get you to relax your conditions. You passed the test! So now he will rethink that strategy because he believes you are serious.

Yes, you are right Melody. It was a test and he mood changed very quickly once he realized it wasn't going to be so easy for him. Thanks for your help with this.

I think you should have no more contact with your in laws. It seems WH is circumventing the obstacles of Plan B through his parents. Either that or he is simply fogbabbling at them and they are lapping it up. Which would be fine if they did not try to pass it on to you or try to get you to accept CRUMBS from him. But they are. If they cannot get that under control, I would Plan B them. Give them one warning and if they don't respect your boundaries then do it.

I can see a strong woman under there...but until you are in a true Plan B and not listening to this crazy wayward drama all the time You instead are going to continue to second guess yourself and let his babble play mind games with you.

Your IM is lucky to have ML coaching her!