I see your situation headed the wrong way because the affair has been enabled. The most likely outcome of enabling the affair is that the WS eventually leaves for the OP. The reason is because affairs thrive on secrecy, so the affair has been allowed to thrive and grow all this time. Exposure kills affairs. It can be immediate or it can hasten their death. So the idea of Plan A is to a) kill the affair and b) meet your spouses needs as the the affair crumbles.

By not exposing, you negate the effectiveness of Plan A and do more to enhance the affair.


I would be prepared to explain to the OMW why you did this to her. What is your explanation? It's one thing to squander your own marriage, but why would you sit by idly and allow your WW to do this to an innocent person?

Strongly disagree.

I would at the very least call Dr Harley on the radio show (it is free) and ask him if he's on board with this plan. And if he is, I would be very interested to hear the reasoning because delaying exposure makes absolutely no sense unless you are a conflict avoiding BS.

I have been here for 10 years and never heard him remotely endorse anything like this.

Exposure is critical to ending the affair and starting recovery. There has been no exposure here - that's why the affair continues and no progress has been made. It's really that simple. Delaying exposure has not helped. Why in the world would anyone advocate more delay?

Sounds like Jennifer is trying to negotiate with a WW and doesn't understand this is an ONGOING affair. I do not believe that Jennifer and/or Dr Harley fully understand this situation IF they really did give this advice.

Our last call (Jennifer, WW, and I) was last week, before Jennifer spoke to WW for her part of the call I let Jennifer know that WW had admitted to calling POSOM the day before.
I believe she is aware that WW and POSOM are still in contact. I also told Jennifer that WW had told me she is screaming for affection, but does not want me to fill that EN.

Thank you.

So are you going to expose or at the very least email Dr. Harley?

SusieQ - I will never take objection to being called stupid for missing evidence, or scared to take an action.

Your message with the underlined IF implies a questioning of my integrity - that is a line I will never let be crossed.
I respect and welcome all your advice, but I feel that was way out of line.

Actually the only advice I have not agreed to follow was sending a VAR to work with her - as it would have been useless locked in a cabinet all day and return no value at the risk of being discovered.

Exposure you told me initially to not without proof - I have proof and think I have the OMW and Jennifer has told me not to at this time. I will discuss this with her on our next call.

I have already responded to SusieQ on the implications of questioning my integrity - my intelligence you can question, but questioning if I am telling the truth - never cross that line - that is not something I accept from anyone.

That I will do - just have to do it from home as I won't do it from my work account and have no access to gmail etc from work.
Thank you.

Not seeing any integrity questioning here. I'm just seeing the facts laid out: there are pretty much no situations in which exposure is not your best strategy for starting and hastening recovery.

Nobody ever wants to do that, but it's the case.

Please let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.

I'm sorry you feel that way but you've repeatedly deviated from the standard advice right from the first page - you've told us that you can't snoop, you can't find the OMBW, there is not really an affair, it's a one-sided EA, the affair is over, you're hopeful that once your WW works on her depression you can make some lovebank deposits.

You've told us that when your WW told you she was leaving, you threatened her with exposure.

Now you're telling us that Jennifer is talking to your WW and has struck up some kind of deal to delay exposure? And given us no reasoning that makes any kind of sense as to why?

Sorry if I don't have a ton of confidence in what kind of information Jennifer or Dr Harley has. Honestly, I feel you've kind of put Jennifer in a sticky situation by having her trying to negotiate something with an active wayward anyway. That is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist and never works.

This is a plan that is harmful to both your marriage and to the OM's W.

I'm 99.999% sure this is what Dr Harley would tell you too. I'm going to keep coming back here and telling you that unless I hear directly from Dr Harley (email or radio show).

I fail to see the wisdom in threatening someone who is trying to help you.

When you claim to have received advice from Marriage Builders that is so contrary to what Marriage Builders teaches, expect to be questioned. Expecting to be blindly trusted is a wayward mentality. Getting your feathers ruffled and making threats is what liars do. You don't help your case very much when you react that way.

Did you write Dr. Harley yet?

Sorry if it came across as a threat- it was not intended as such - there is no "or else" I am simply not accepting of someone questioning my integrity. People can take it whatever way this wish.

As it has been Jennifer I have been talking to I wrote to her yesterday.
Until I have a response from her I will remain off the boards.
Thank you

Have you had a response yet?

I have clarified with Jennifer that the reason for not exposing at this time is that even with the recording there is no proof that the feelings are mutual between WW and POSOM and that the call if heard by anyone else according to what I heard, would be considered platonic. Again generally speaking Jennifer does agree that exposure is part of a Plan A with infidelity but in this case there is no proof, we are proceeding with a plan A working with an unwilling spouse, and I am working on my LBs and my care for my wife.

Any of my quotes attributed Jennifer were my perceptions / paraphrasing of what I understood Jennifer to have said, i.e. in regards to my �hamster�.

How about monitoring the internet activity of your WiFi router? I am not that tech savvy, but it occurred to me that you might know a way to get some kind of info out of that.

Do you spyware on anything?

Good thoughts, I have just a log of IP address when they connect, and request DHCPs etc. I will see if I can overlay with an actual visit logger etc.
But - most of her connection probably happens using her work BB - see response to the next message.

BrainHurts,
Spyware on the home PCs - they are mine, and that isn't a problem.
Her BB is federal issue - and not accessible to me to install spyware, as is her work laptop, which connects through VPN to her work network. Both those are holes that I cannot plug without risking my job - and future employ ability.

All I can do is keep the VARs in place - and MONITOR IT.

Thank you.