Figure it out. Drive to his house, his workplace, do what you need to do to expose to him. You need to figure this out and get it done.

WHAT EXACTLY = exposing directly the to the OWH.

How do you reconcile doing that with Plan B? Me driving the 2 hours to that area is going to be so traumatic. And going to her house and potentially seeing her! All I have is an address and just like all the phone numbers I can't be sure if it is correct and if he would even be home.

I don't have to reconcile it at all. It has to be done and should have been done a long time ago. I don't understand why you have not done this. You are a bright woman; way too bright to be punked by a stupid OW.


You need to man up and get this job done! You can't afford to leave this stone unturned.

Is it possible that you really don't understand the importance of this step?

Yes I understand the importance but I don't want to run around like a chicken with my head cut off without a plan. Driving 2 hours to a maybe address to find a man who may or may not be there does not seem like a good plan.

What do people do in this situation? My options as I see them are: 1) mail a letter with the emails to his address and include my number, but if he never calls then what. 2) Continue to call the numbers I have hoping they are right and he picks up, 3) message people on facebook that i believe to be his family and tell them and include my number and ask them to have him call me (i messaged him already but it didn't go through), 4) hire a PI to track down concrete info (but at what time and expense i don't know)

And I have to admit, I am afraid of the consequences. My WH is spiteful. He will retaliate and do his best to hurt me. When I did the Facebook exposure he refused to give me the money he agreed and threatened to file for divorce so i couldn't take our kids out of state to a family reunion. And the aftermath of that is what made me make the decision to file for divorce. In the long run I do think it was good because she accused him of protecting me in that scenario but the short term was painful.

You need to figure this out.


That makes no sense whatsoever since you have told us all along the husband knows. The husband does not know, does he? Are you protecting the affair? If this is widely known, there should be no problem.

Your husband cannot retaliate because you have filed for divorce. If he DARED try something so stupid, the judge would make mincemeat of him.

Those are a couple of good places to start.

Amac, what is the big deal about driving to a location 2 hours away for something this important to your life?

You seem very bright, and I know you know that if you want something bad enough you can get it if you are tenacious about it. You ask which option you should do and my answer is ALL options. Do them all. Until you speak directly to OW BH, keep trying. If one method fails, try the next. If a phone call doesn't get through, try again the next day.

I think the real reason you have not done these things is not because you can't, it's too hard, it's impossible, you aren't smart enough to figure it out, you are not tenacious.... It is because you are afraid. Please don't be that person who hides under the rock out of fear. It will not help your marriage or yourself. It will be something you regret. Be strong here and get this done.

Do ALL of these things.

Yes please make it a priority to speak directly to the BH. Whatever you need to do to make the contact you need to do. We have seen many, many BSs come here and tell us that the other spouse knew and never told them. Please make sure the BH knows.

He cannot refuse to give you money that you are owed in a divorce and he cannot strip you of parental rights, like taking kids on a trip out of state ?? I went through an extremely NASTY divorce with a WS and he was not able to withhold funds from me and he was not able to stop me from taking my kids out of state on trips. And believe me, he would have had me thrown from my house while he and the OW moved in if he could have.

You should know these things.

amac, it sounds like you're making excuses because you really don't want to expose to the OW's H. Maybe you think your WH will really be done with the marriage if you do so?

Most WS's try to convince the BS of this because they fear that exposure the most...and it makes sense that it would because that is one of the MOST effective exposures to ending an affair.

You need to do this. Find a way to make it happen. Yes, that means driving 2 hrs or hiring a PI. You are a lawyer so I am certain you have the resources to figuring this out. Stop dragging this out and get it done.

In an old topic, I read this:

Until I was on this forum I assumed the husband did know because of what I had been told, what I read in the emails between WH and OW, and my email contact with him. But, you guys are right, it is suspect that I have not had direct contact and is responses were kind of weird. So although I think it is likely he knows, I do agree it needs to be confirmed in the least.

The big problem for me is that all of these actions to save my marriage are going to be contrary to my financial benefit. I'm IN CA, a no fault state. I make more money then H, under any scenario I have ran through with my lawyer, if he asks for it, I pay him spousal and child support. I filed for divorce under the reasoning that in the fog he is less likely to ask for those things, and until recently he has said he would not take money from me. But, I know that doing more exposure is going to piss him off and as retaliation he can go after me financially. That is my dilemma. Yes I want to expose and the affair to end to give our marriage a shot, but doing that will make WH mad and im sure he will go after me however he can.

In the divorce I would owe him since I make more money. I'm at his mercy now to hope that he does not ask for it out of guilt. In CA where I am at, once a divorce is filed either side cannnot take the kids out of state without written consent of the other parent.

I do want to expose! I thought I already had with the emails, but you guys are right it needs to be confirmed.

I'm not afraid so much of WH being really done with the marriage. I think his mindset right now is that it is done. I am afraid of the wrath though, he will try to hurt me if i take things further. Financially and emotionally.

Thank you.

I wrote another email to OWBH. I said I do not feel comfortable only communicating over email and will not be able to rest until I have spoken to him directly about the A. I gave my phone number again and asked him to call or send me his.

If its OWBH or OW, either way that email will make them afraid of me taking things further to get direct contact. IF OWBH does know he is def not exposing and so he should call to calm me down. If I do not hear from him in the next few days I will go onto the more drastic steps.

What could he possibly be mad about? He has said this is out in the open. Your H is not ashamed of his affair, is he?

Have you exposed to the OWs family yourself? Exposure can't be left up to the other BS.