I think WH is not really ashamed of his affair. I have exposed to all our family and friends and that has not stopped him. He gets mad in the moment but it has not been a deterrent. He got really mad when I did the facebook exposure to OW family and friends.

Yes I sent everyone I knew to be a relative of OW a message on facebook. I know they must have gotten it because she referred me contacting them in her lame cease and desist email to me.

Have you received any response to your emails?

No response to the one I sent last week telling OWBH I filed for divorce and no response to the one I sent yesterday asking for a phone number or call.

Ok, I would go to Plan B. What is your next plan of attack?

I've emailed some PIs, so far the only response I have gotten is more then I want to spend. Hoping to hear back from others.

Do you know where he works?

No. What I have been told is he does not work and lives off of a family trust. When I google the family there is info about the trust so that could be true.

Ok, I would start brainstorming next steps.

Amac, I have a strong feeling the OWH does not know about the affair. The OW has probably gone to great lengths to hide it from him. That tells me that she is not going to leave her marriage for this affair, and that exposure to the OWH may end the affair. You have a 50/50 chance that such an exposure would kill the affair. You can't afford to pass up that chance.

My biggest concern is that you are operating out of fear rather than strategy and not taking a proactive approach. When someone has this much trouble exposing it is always an issue of willingness rather than opportunity. I am asking that you take this more seriously and get the job done TODAY.

Just wanted to stop by this thread and give you some encouragement ~ lawyer to lawyer.

You are doing great so far. Nobody is perfect. It's not like anyone has the schema for this stuff so it's understandable really hard to expect a perfectly executed recovery plan. Just keep trying and don't give up. Remember, you are trying to SAVE your husband from making the biggest mistake of his life, not punish him. This is a non-vindictive noble effort you are undertaking because you have every legitimate reason, justification and excuse just to divorce his cliched {divorce attorney having an affair} butt.

One clue your IM's could look for as an indication he is serious about fulfilling your conditions is whether he starts floating his resume and/or contacting some friends about moving to another law firm. Considering California traffic, if he moved his job closer to home, that would make OW pretty geographically undesirable.

Some other thoughts -

You mentioned the OW is calling him for legal advice about the adoption and her marriage/potential divorce? Could you expose him at his workplace - and mention that maybe he's been giving out free legal advice on their dime {they pay him a salary}? Maybe she is or has been a client and having a sexual relationship with her violates law firm policies and he'd get fired? Maybe you can file an attorney grievance against him? I know that all sounds very extreme and maybe even against your financial interests {gets really scary with him being a family law attorney}, but in the end, he'll get another job and it'll all balance out. If you end up divorced, he'll play the co-parent game and try to be somewhat normal while I suggest you consider or try to adopt/implement a parallel parenting plan if you can in California.

Another thought ---- this potential adoption ~~ any chance you can contact all the potential independent adoption agencies and expose the affair to them and maybe save some poor infant the misfortune of being placed in that home right now - IF it's even true.

Next thought - If OWH's doesn't work and lives off a trust, I wonder how that works in California. I'm guessing if they divorce she might be entitled to a little support and child support but it's pretty likely or certain if he's a stay at home dad, he's likely going to at least get 50-50 custody and his wife isn't going to be able to touch the trust corpus. Unless the OW is herself wealthy or has a super high paying job (which could end up costing HER) or there is a pre-nup ---- it's most likely she's pretty financially stuck. Trolling out your husband in a chat room is pretty convenient for her because he's supposedly a rich attorney that can "save" her, however, the more you fight and drag out any divorce, the more her eventual and likely financial neediness could frustrate your husband AND his complaining about money, sour the OW about exactly how financially secure this move is for her and her kids. Your husband KNOWS how expensive divorce attorneys are so it's not a bad idea to drop to in-laws and sister or whomever will likely repeat it to your WH that you've been spending days with your lawyer strategizing this divorce and paperwork. Lead him to believe you are spending boatloads of family money on this. Of course, you should really keep your spending on your attorney to an absolute minimum right now and just drag this divorce out as long as humanly possible once the initial orders are in place but your WH doesn't have to know that.

Another long shot thought - carefully look over and contemplate upon any communication you receive/received from the OW and consider carefully whether there is anything actionable there that you could file a restraining order upon on behalf of yourself AND your kids. In some states you can get initial standing orders forbidding exposer of the children to paramours and forbidding unrelated overnight guests of the opposite sex. These would be MUTUAL obligations so they'd apply to both of you (not a problem, I presume, but it's less contentios when just inserted as a matter of fact). If not, an ancillary case seeking a restraining order might be possible to prevent the OW from being around your kids and/or you. Another cause of action MIGHT be extortion or blackmail. I've never seen anyone do it but a crafty lawyer might be able to sue an affair partner who threatens to sue you or call the police and exercise the power of the state upon you if you don't cease and desist from exercising your first amendment rights to free speech. I know, extortion usually involves money but if she and your husband get into a war of words where he starts threatening to demand alimony from you if you don't stop exposing, maybe you've got something there. Here's an article I just found that discusses some California cases involving attorney demand letters and blackmail/extortion. Maybe OW's emails stepped over that line already ----
When a Demand Letter becomes Extortion

Final thought - I don't mean to alarm you but if your husband had the gumption to block incoming phone numbers on your cell phone what makes you sure he didn't put spyware on it or isn't otherwise monitoring your phone and computer and hacking your emails? As a divorce attorney, he'd know all the tricks and he had the advantage of KNOWING he was cheating before you caught him. A knowledgeable cheater like this might have set up monitoring long before you caught him. Could he have microphones in your house, a tap on your internet connection, a VAR in your car and spyware everywhere? Maybe he's been reading along this thread the whole time and figures he's just accumulating evidence while getting all the contact he really needs ---- basically if he's reading along he's thinking he's still got today and tomorrow to continue the affair because you aren't really done with him yet. You see - he's like an addict and he's not gonna quit until he's truly hit rock bottom. Addicts just bargain for one more day at a time. I'm not saying he is but you should investigate everything carefully. If there are things in your house after he left, they'd need to be plugged in because batteries longterm aren't reliable so search all outlets and figure out what all cords are connected to, especially around your home wi-fi and computer connections inside and outside the home. Change passwords to EVERYTHING, starting with your cloud back up stuff and then once done, change them AGAIN on a safe device like your sister's computer, in case he was getting notices or monitoring the devices the first time. You don't have to take it to some computer or phone experts - often teenagers are the best source of asking because they are adept at figuring out if their parents are monitoring them and how to ascertain that and work around it. He MAY have even cloned your phone??? who knows??? If you figure out you've been compromised here, email the moderators and let them know and they can maybe try to figure something out to keep getting you the help you need.

If you are a Christian or otherwise religious, pray for your husband. Actually, I read you went to your bishop earlier in the thread so you are Christian. Would the Bishop pursue Church Discipline against him and excommunicate him or is it not that kind of church???? Your husband certainly isn't in a leadership role there, because, if so, he should be removed from it immediately. At the very least update the Bishop and request the Bishop share it with his prayer team and get others praying for your husband. Sometimes it takes a community of believers and a whole lot of faith to displace these really nasty demons. See the stories and what Jesus said where even the disciples had difficulty driving out a demon - Matthew 17:14-20; Mark 9:14-29; Luke 9:37-43.

I know. I'm trying. I have continued to call the numbers I have and no answer. I have reached out to PIs. I'm having a more extensive background check done that I'm told will get me more accurate information then I have.

Thanks Mr. Wondering for your encouragement. I really need it.

As far as the job condition. WH has told my IM and my inlaws that he has been working on updating his resume. But, I have his old phone with his Facebook messenger on there. When i first discovered the affair and he agreed he needed to work in our county he messaged paralegals on there that he used to work with about giving his resume. One even said to send on her way...this was in May right before i found out they were still in contact. Since we have separated he has not messaged on them again. I gave the phone to a friend so I would stop looking at it, but last I checked 2 weeks ago he had not reached out, so that tells me he is not looking.

Almost everyone who has heard about our situation thinks that OW must have been a client at some point, but I have found parts of their chat history that seems to confirm their story of meeting a chat room. In terms of a grivance for any advice he is giving her, I have no proof of that only the snippets he has told me and I don't think its extreme enough for his firm to care. He has wrote in a letter to me and told my IM that he has told his boss about the situation and that the boss agreed he could avoid going to court where the OW lives. Of course I can't be sure if this is true or not. I would worry about interfering too much with his job because a) it would seriously hurt me financially, and b) he could file a lawsuit against me if what i tell them causes him to be fired.

As far as the adoption goes - OW has links on her page to the county adoption services where she lives so the adoption must be through there. Ive gone to the website and looked at the process and it does not line up with with WH and OW are saying. But, I know I won't be able to get any details about their specific adoption. Those kind of records are heavily protected and the PIs I have asked say they won't be able to find out specifics.

In terms of money for the OW. Ya i think if BH has a trust she will not get much from him. She is a nurse. I'm guessing makes around 90k. I think she and my H will be way worse financially then they would with their spouses. I think my H recognizes that but she thinks my WH is a hot shot lawyer, what she doesn't realize is that he does not make a much more then she does probably and he is 100k in student debt - good luck with that I intentionally put the retainer for the divorce on our joint credit card. its 3x the amount he spends on a retainer so I know that must have freaked him out. He told my IM after seeing that he hoped we could agree without lawyers - ya right.

OW has already threatened me with a RO which was ridiculous. I think that really hurt the A because WH said she was mad that he was protecting me and now he has mad because after that I wouldn't talk to him anymore and filed the divorce. I have discussed with my attorney putting a clause in any potential agreement that says the children are to not even meet a significant other for 1 year unless by written consent. But I know WH will probably just lie.

Before the separation i know he was getting into my phone and emails. After the separation I changed everything, even cancelled my old phone service and got a new one. Most of my accounts now of the 2 factor authentication also so if he tried to log on I would know. I'm pretty confident he does not have access to anything at this point.

I am not religious, but both of our families are mormon. I have asked everyone to pray for him. He did see the bishop and was supposedly starting the repentance process which could have lead to excoummincation but I don't know how that works if he is not going to church anyway. He did not go back for the 2nd meeting. You are right. it is a good idea for me to update the bishop and ask for more prayers.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Let me know if you can think of anything else...I need to remember what you said, its to help him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

Have you spoken to the bishop directly about the affair?

You can't ever trust that a WS has confessed an affair - that doesn't count as exposure because of the whitewashing and lying that occurs.

Yes the day after WH went i met with the bishop. Bishop said he was 80% truthful. He lied to him and said OW was getting a divorce. Bishop
Planned to confront him about lying at then next meeting but WH didn't go. WH said he went a couple weeks ago and met him again but I don't know if thats true or not.

amac, this is a gap that might be filled in by the OWH, which is why it is so critical you find him. He can do research on his end. I would step it up here and get in direct contact with him, even if you have to drive to his house.

I had the more extensive background check down. No new info unfortunately other then to verify that what I have is most likely correct. The check revealed that the number that I believe is OWH was recently opened in his name with ATT on 4/30/17. I called this number from the app a couple days ago and woman answered and there was a baby crying in the background. OW has a different phone number that i know is hers because i have seen it on my H phone and the phone records. So i'm guessing maybe she answered his phone?

I have continued to call from different numbers but no answer. Its a mobile number, should i just send a text? leave a voicemail? its hard because it seems that whatever I do OW may intercept it.

I do not feel comfortable going to the house. That is too volatile of a situation.

Also the check was not able to find any employment info so I'm guessing it is true that he just lives off the family trust

Just spoke to OWH! I called from another number and he answered. All my calls had been blocked by her i believe. He is a total enabler. He has know about my WH from the beginning, knew about their chatting, knew all the details of our life. She told him they were just friends. He said she is telling him she wants to separate at this point because she is trying to figure herself out. They do have an adoption pending but it is months away he thinks she is just staying in the house with him to get through the adoption.

I told him he has to put his foot down and not let her have her cake and eat it too. I will talk to him again in a few days. Problem is. I do think she is only sticking around for the adoption and does want to be with my H. From the emails I found she seems to be the aggressor so I don't know if him putting his foot down and kicking her out is a threat to her.

What should i tell him to do? I'm so scared of them separating because that means she could move down to my area and be around my WH and my kids! I don't want that. But I think as long as she is still in this enabling cycle with her husband their affair will never end.

I have an email i want to send to her about what her future is going to be like as the OW. probably not a good idea to send huh?