Ok I'm really freaking out now and want to talk to my WH. I know its bad I will just beg and yell but Im so scared of her moving out!

Good job, amac!!! So proud you finally got through to him!!

I would expose the affair to her family.They have a plan to leave their spouses and get together. Exposing it would ruin that plan. The best way to kill their affair is for her to move out and move in with your husband. The affair will crumble FAST that way.

You shouldn't count on him to help. He is a pansy.

It is a good idea, but your timing is wrong!!

FIRST, Expose the hell out of the affair to her family and friends. THEN send her a letter telling her there will be no future for her with your H because she will be eternally hated by your children and the inlaws for her part in breaking up their family. I will help you write it!

STOP!! You do not contact him, you need to focus on being STRATEGIC.. STRATEGIC, not reactionary.

Another way to get the OWH off his dead [censored] is to expose to his side of the family. Hopefully, he will have a sister, mother or brother who will push him to do something.

OWH said his family does know, he said specifically his sister and brother. He said her parents and siblings do know. I facebooked them already telling them about the affair. I don't know what any additional exposure would do at this point.

So he does need to to kick her out right? He knows it and he knows he has been enabling. He said he would get it done. I told him I would call him again in a few days. He says she wants to move into one of their rental properties but I told him no he can't let it be easy for her.

But how do I survive this? i cannot stand the idea of it, but I guess it has to happen? I think my H will miss me and our family and eventually resent her. But i don't know about her, i don't think she loves her H and doesn't seem to care much about her adopted children so it seems like no matter what she will be hanging on my H.

I bet he tells her that I talked to him and everything I said.

Good job amac for finally getting a hold of the OWBH.

From your exposure to OW's family did you receive any messages back?

Who on OW's side have you exposed to? Who on OWBH's side have you exposed to? You can't trust an enabling BH to properly expose.

If OW does tell your WH about you talking with OWBH then you know they are still in contact and the affair is still active.

He shouldn't kick her out. He should raise hell in the affair. For example, he could reach out to her family members, tell them about the affair and ask them to intervene. For example, her parents could call your H and tell him to take a hike.

How did your H and his wife meet? Does he know how?


That is the point. Of course he should be talking to her about it. If you know of any exposure targets that AREN'T speaking to the affairees, I would ask them to step up and help out here. Are her family members speaking to her about the affair?

The affair is active. She already knows this.

OWH confirmed they met in a chat room. He knew about their interaction all along he said. So sick, he knew when I had my son, when he was in the hospital, small details like when I was going car shopping. He said he was naive and thought they were just friends because she chatted with a lot of people. I do not understand how he has put up with this for so long. My family speculates that maybe he is a cheater too...

OWH Said he has reached out to her family and they have told her to stop. I Facebook messaged them also (no response though but i know they got it). WH said one of OW brothers even contacted him.

Guys, more exposure is not going to work. Both of them have got it from multiple angles for months now and its not stopping. My H is not going to care what her family says to him. I know he knows their relationship is doomed, he just cares about the short term. He said to me and his family that he knows he is just going to end up alone and is destined for only short term relationships.

I read somewhere else in these forums that exposure just speeds up what was going to happen anyway. In my case, I believe the exposure is not stopping the affair, it is pushing them together. But I feel that it has to happen. I don't see how my marriage would be safe while they both still have the fantasy of what it could have been like if they were together. I wish my WH had the strength to cut it off but i know recovery will be hard and as long as that fantasy is there they would go back to each other, the temptation is too great for them.

So I feel like they have to be together outside of the affair setting - but how do I survive that? As a female prosecutor, I have many woman colleagues who have suffered this same scenario. The husband feels emasculated being with a powerful woman and cheats. Most cases they don't get back together, either when the H comes crawling back the woman doesn't want him anymore or both of them have ended up alone. I know I should not be hanging around waiting and hoping for WH to come around, but at the same time I want to want him back. But if he and OW move into together and my kids are around them I don't know how I could get over that.

You did a great job on the exposure!

I know it might feel like it didn't help, but in the end, no matter what happens, you will take comfort in the fact that you did all you could to save your marriage and you won't have to wonder or worry that the OWH wasn't informed.

All waywards are not really thinking about the big picture realistically speaking. They all have some kind of weird fantasy about the affair that isn't aligned with reality. They really only care about getting their fix (contact) and don't care what they have to say or do to keep it going.

Don't write your WH off as some kind of special wayward. He's not. He's just like all the rest.

It concerns me when you say this because I have a sense you have not exposed in a proactive manner and have missed many opportunities. This is not a check the box exercise. Getting you to take any steps has been like pulling teeth so when we could propel you to action, it was only enough to check the box and not a proactive, comprehensive effort. Comments like this tell me you are not serious about this step:


Was he expected to keep it secret? Keeping it secret completely negates the entire purpose of exposure.

You then tell us:
Knows what? That the OW has a "friend?" He thought they were friends so why would he tell them something else? You told us this above:
You told us this on 6-13-2017
But, you were supposedly told this weekend by the OWH, your first conversation, that her family knew and asked them to stop. Even though it was not known this was an affair.

See, this is why they have to be told BY YOU, to ensure they have the full story. Once again, you are checking the box here in an attempt to get us to back off exposure. I went back and read some of your first posts and noticed how you told us this was all exposed. I was always very suspicious and now I know why. It wasn't really done. You swept it all under the rug.


That's right, you don't know. Because you have never saved a marriage using these tactics. WE HAVE.

I just want to encourage you to put aside you own biased, un-objective feelings about this situation and follow some best practices.

I noticed a lot of people are using that excuse when a man cheats on a woman - that the woman was successful/powerful and the man felt emasculated. My ex MIL told my DD that my ex was emasculated by me (puke).

If you were to look closely at these marriages you would see that EPs were not being followed (opposite sex friendships, etc). It happens in marriages all the time every day.

Don't file your WH away into some category that makes recovery or your situation different than others. Ok? You're going to make yourself crazy going down that road and thinking these kinds of things. It's really all about EPs.

Can I ask how you would even know her family asked them to stop? You have never spoken to them.

This is your best leverage. Explain to enabling OWBH that the adoption will blow up if he does not fight for his marriage.

When I wrote those earlier posts I believed that affair had been exposed based on my emails with OWH. I asked him in the emails if her family knew about the affair and he said her parents did and they asked her to stop. This was coorborated in my phone conversation with him yesterday. Also the emails I found between OW and WH they talk about her family knowing. So yes I believe the affair has been exposed to OW family, I facebooked messaged them as well. In my conversation with OWH last night I told him to tell everyone. OWH said his brother and sister know about the affair, he said his brother said this situation is BS and has gotten a lawyer for him. I'm not hiding it, I believed it had happened in those earlier posts and my phone conversation with OWH confirmed that.

Yes I admit the exposure is hard for me, I have to force myself to do it because the short term consequences are horrible but I have been doing it because I trust that it is for the long term goal.

What do you suggest I do now?

What can he do to fight for his marriage? I agree the adoption is the best leverage.

Should he threaten divorce unless she stops contact?