I find it hard to believe that "understanding" is the issue but rather that you WANT to be in contact, amac.

I posted this quote to you from Dr Harley. What is it that you do not understand about this:

How did contact help your M before you got here to MB?

Was nagging and DJing and trying to educate and reason with your WH getting you any closer to recovering your M all the months before you "started" Plan B?

I'm being serious.

Were DJ's a problem in your M before the A?

Demanding judgements? Thats exactly what I did. You are so right.

I dont think DJ was a problem before, but hard for me to know because I think we had that concept going on, I dont know the name, where each partner isnt in 100% vocal agreement with things? My WH and I never fought, like maybe 4 times before he started the A in our 8 year relationship. But I think that was because my WH never voiced any objection to things. It didnt feel to me that I was making DJs that he was going along with but I wonder if that was the case now.

Yes, they are really pissed. H just called my lawyer saying he was concerned about someone filing a RO against me. Now I'm pissed that he is costing us money with my lawyers time responding to this BS. I told my lawyer not to engage with him at all.

It's hard to remember that time before I came here and "started" plan B. I hadnt read surviving the affair yet. When I first found out about the A I instinctively went into Plan A. I think partly because I was just numb. There was no anger. I immediately said I forgave him, I think because I was so thankful because I thought he had ended the A. Then within 2 days I became aware of the contact and then was anger and I left him at home with the kids and went to a hotel for 2 days with limited contact, but via text he persuaded me to come home and start counselling. The following week he was still acting like he was in the A but I had no proof of contact and he was saying he needed time and space so there was little contact between us. Then I found proof of contact and had 3 days where I would not respond to him at all. Then we started communicating about kids and finances and then I read SAA and did the exposure which resulted in the RO threats which made me start what I thought Plan B was until you guys educated me that what I was doing was wrong and I started implementing plan B.

I think that might be part of my temptation to contact him now is because prior to Plan B, I had not tried to persuade him to stop the affair. It was him stopping the affair, me finding out it wasn't over, and then because I was so hurt, limited contact. So it was only in this "plan b" period that I began to think about wanting him to stop the affair and having all these reasons why in my head that I want to spill out to him.

But you are so right it is just the same as DJing and nagging. Totally the wrong thing to do.

You know, that would be really interesting to discuss their affair in open court. I bet the local news could get ahold of the story too! That's a great idea!

Yes. I was thinking of responding to OW saying I would love to discuss what she and my WH are doing in open court, but did not want to engage. And her family likes me now more then her right now so I dont want to do anything that comes off as vindictive.

I would respond with that. She has threatened this before and I would ENCOURAGE HER to bring it on. Call her bluff. Tell her something like:

"I would encourage you to press forward legally because I would love to discuss this in open court and put you through the discovery process, getting your affair into the court record. The local press loves cases like this."

LET HER KNOW her little threats are not scaring you. She has a lot of nerve threatening you when she is at high risk herself.

"I would encourage you to press forward legally because I would love to discuss your affair with my husband in open court and put you through the discovery process, getting it into the court record. The local press loves cases like this."

I would like to, but my attorney advised not to have any contact with her. I have already called her bluff with my lawyer telling H he wont even discuss it with him. My WH had asked for an appointment with my lawyer this week and I told him not to do it, waste of money.

But all of this I know is good for me. This is exactly what happened last time. OW wants to do a RO against me, WH wants to scare me, but does not really want her to file one against me and OW sees that, and thus accuses him of putting me before her.

And I have already responded telling her I would fight for my family and sent a picture of me and H. She knows I'm not threatened, thats why WH called my lawyer, he wants me to be scared.

Should I tell my in-laws about my conversations with the OWs family? I have not wanted to have much contact with MIL because in our last conversation she gave me alot of WH's fog babble. I hate to look like I'm tattling on WH, but I dont know what he tells them about whats going on. I think it's important for them to know that OW has seperated from her H, and of course I want to tell them all the bad stuff I have heard about OW from her family but don't know if I should.

I also want to tell MIL the things that OW's family told me about OW feelings for her H. They say she loves him and she has told him she will never divorce him. This is quite at opposite from the emails I have seen from her to WH. And I know WH has told MIL that OW H "understands their situation" and the same BS only together for the adoption story.

Absolutely! I would tell your MIL and ask her to share this intel with your WH.

Yes I was thinking it would be good if she told WH, thanks Melody.

I'm having a really hard time. Brought upon myself I know for calling WH. I told him at the end of our conservation "sign the papers, lets make an agreement and be done with it." Now he is doing what I asked. He signed the divorce acknowledgment, called my attorney to dicuss the details. But its becoming too real to me. I dont want this! I know I have to do it now while he is in the fog but I'm so distraught right now. I'm afraid I'm going to pled with him when he drops off our kids.

amac, you HAVE to get control of your emotions. You just MUST. Your desperation is placing you at a disadvantage because he knows you are not serious about ending contact until he ends his affair. You are sacrificing your leverage.

What can you do to gain control of yourself? You won't plead your way out of this. IT just pushes him away more.

And amac, wavering all over the place is not attractive at all. It will only make OW look that much better if you are an emotional mess. In addition to that, when this is all over one way or another, you will regret not being more in control. There is really NO upside to letting your emotions run the show. None.