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It's been a long time since I posted on this forum. My husband and I have been fighting about his friendships lately and I need advice. Last night he was invited to the neighbors across the street to have some beers. We agreed that he should go socialize, have 2 or 3 beers, and be home by 11. Well, at midnight he was still there. I went over to get him and he had drunk 6 beers (he was drunk - though he insists he wasn't drunk). He wouldn't come home. I said fine do what you want and he came about 5 minutes later. We got in a big fight and he said it was only an hour difference and that I was being "controlling." Was it controlling to say he should have been home at the agreed upon time?
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Have you considered using the Marriage Builders program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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II said fine do what you want and he came about 5 minutes later. We got in a big fight and he said it was only an hour difference and that I was being "controlling." Was it controlling to say he should have been home at the agreed upon time? For the record it is HE who is being "controlling." He is trying to inflict his thoughtless behavior on you. THAT is the definition of control. Asking him to stop his thoughtless behavior is not controlling. Making you endure it IS. Of course, you brought that on yourself by agreeing to him going out without you. You could have avoided all that if a) you went with him or b) he stayed home. Socializing is only good if it complements your marriage. I don't see how this could possibly have complemented your marriage for him to socialize outside of your marriage during your own time. This is why i asked why you aren't using the MB program. You have been here for years, after all, and haven't taken the time to use or implement this program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
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We have been using the marriage builders program for years. We both wanted him to socialize with the neighbors. It is important to both of us to keep a good relationship with our neighbors. I just couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home. We used the policy of joint agreement to determine what we were both enthusiastic about him doing (socialize until 11, have 2-3 beers). He didn't do that, I became upset, and he thought I was overreacting. I am glad that you agree that I was correct to be upset. Now, as you said, it has been many years since we began this program, so maybe I need a refresher course. How can I get my husband to understand that I was right to be upset?
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Do you have a MB coach? Have you read all of these? Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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There has also been a lot of conflict lately about his new best friend. Most recently, he invited my husband to a baseball game and I said I was not enthusiastic about him going, so he didn't go. My husband is now feeling a lot of resentment about this. Obviously, this friendship is bad for our marriage, but he says he should be able to have guy friends. He does not understand my point of view and feels I am making selfish demands. How do I handle this?
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No, what's a marriage builder coach? We do have all the books and refer to those sometimes.
Last edited by hurtagainbydavid; 07/29/17 02:12 PM.
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I understand and know how to follow the policy of joint agreement, but my husband is becoming resentful about the part where you aren't supposed to do anything unless we are both enthusiastic. Basically, he wants to do things without me sometimes but can't because I'm not enthusiastic. We can't come up with a solution we are both happy with, so he can't do what he wants. I don't know how to fix this particular issue and get him to understand without him being resentful and controlled.
Last edited by hurtagainbydavid; 07/29/17 02:30 PM.
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How much UA time do you get a week? Can you post your last week's schedule and what you did?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We have been using the marriage builders program for years. We both wanted him to socialize with the neighbors. How does that complement your marriage, though? As you can see, it doesn't. Going out socializing without your spouse, while drinking is never good for a marriage. So saying you both agreed, does not make it a smart idea. It is like smoking cigarettes or watching porn. if my H and I "agree" to smoke cigarettees, it does not make it a good thing. It is important to both of us to keep a good relationship with our neighbors. I have a good relationship wiht my neighbors but we don't socialize with them. You don't have to socialize with them to have a cordial reltionship. I just couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home. We used the policy of joint agreement to determine what we were both enthusiastic about him doing (socialize until 11, have 2-3 beers). A misuse of the POJA. The POJA is not suposed to be used for things that are bad for your marriage. But I told you that years ago about another subject. How can I get my husband to understand that I was right to be upset? How can you get your husband to CARE that you were upset? The problem isn't that he doesn't understand, but that he doesn't CARE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There has also been a lot of conflict lately about his new best friend. Most recently, he invited my husband to a baseball game and I said I was not enthusiastic about him going, so he didn't go. My husband is now feeling a lot of resentment about this. Obviously, this friendship is bad for our marriage, but he says he should be able to have guy friends. He does not understand my point of view and feels I am making selfish demands. How do I handle this? The problem is that your husband doesn't CARE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand and know how to follow the policy of joint agreement, but my husband is becoming resentful about the part where you aren't supposed to do anything unless we are both enthusiastic. Basically, he wants to do things without me sometimes but can't because I'm not enthusiastic. We can't come up with a solution we are both happy with, so he can't do what he wants. I don't know how to fix this particular issue and get him to understand without him being resentful and controlled. It is because you don't understand the program. He regularly commits independent behavior and then accuses you of being "controlling" or making "selfish demands" when you object. It is his independent lifestyle and his lack of care that is the problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
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How much UA time do you get a week? Can you post your last week's schedule and what you did? I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs.
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Joined: Feb 2011
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I understand and know how to follow the policy of joint agreement, but my husband is becoming resentful about the part where you aren't supposed to do anything unless we are both enthusiastic. Basically, he wants to do things without me sometimes but can't because I'm not enthusiastic. We can't come up with a solution we are both happy with, so he can't do what he wants. I don't know how to fix this particular issue and get him to understand without him being resentful and controlled. It is because you don't understand the program. He regularly commits independent behavior and then accuses you of being "controlling" or making "selfish demands" when you object. It is his independent lifestyle and his lack of care that is the problem. I understand the program and agree with you that It's his independent behavior that is the problem. My question is how do I get HIM to understand that?
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Joined: Feb 2011
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OP
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There has also been a lot of conflict lately about his new best friend. Most recently, he invited my husband to a baseball game and I said I was not enthusiastic about him going, so he didn't go. My husband is now feeling a lot of resentment about this. Obviously, this friendship is bad for our marriage, but he says he should be able to have guy friends. He does not understand my point of view and feels I am making selfish demands. How do I handle this? The problem is that your husband doesn't CARE. Well, then what should I do? He doesn't care, so now what!!?
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How much UA time do you get a week? Can you post your last week's schedule and what you did? I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs. So exclude family time and exclude time spent at home, because that is not what is meant by UA time. It is 4-4 hour dates. Family time is NOT undivided attention time. UA time should be spent when you are alone, meeting the intimate emotional needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I understand and know how to follow the policy of joint agreement, but my husband is becoming resentful about the part where you aren't supposed to do anything unless we are both enthusiastic. Basically, he wants to do things without me sometimes but can't because I'm not enthusiastic. We can't come up with a solution we are both happy with, so he can't do what he wants. I don't know how to fix this particular issue and get him to understand without him being resentful and controlled. It is because you don't understand the program. He regularly commits independent behavior and then accuses you of being "controlling" or making "selfish demands" when you object. It is his independent lifestyle and his lack of care that is the problem. I understand the program and agree with you that It's his independent behavior that is the problem. My question is how do I get HIM to understand that? The problem is not understanding, but CARING. He does not CARE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
How much UA time do you get a week? Can you post your last week's schedule and what you did? I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs. So exclude family time and exclude time spent at home, because that is not what is meant by UA time. It is 4-4 hour dates. Family time is NOT undivided attention time. UA time should be spent when you are alone, meeting the intimate emotional needs. If you don't count family time then it's date day (4-6 hours), sexual fulfillment (1 hour), intimate conversation (3-4 hours). Total 8 to 11 hours a week.
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I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs. This is one of your biggest problems. If you are not keeping a schedule anymore, you are very likely falling below the minimum 15 hours a week. If you are including family time, then you are most definitely falling below the 15 hours a week. Family Commitment is one of my top 5 emotional needs, too. But it doesn't get included into UA. UA is for intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. But, you see, Family Commitment is special -- it gets its own 15 hours a week, apart from UA. You still get it, but you can't include it in your UA.
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