Remove his number from your contacts, so if you want to call him, you will have to push more than one button. While pushing those buttons, remember to post here first.

The beauty of MB is that it is your step by step, day by day plan. Hold on to that if your emotions get in the way.

Have you talked to your doctor about some temporary ADs to help you through this?

Yes, you are right, he knows I'm not serious about no contact. I called out for him after he dropped off the kids. He said he knew I was going to do that sometime soon.

I didn't beg and pled, I just told him I loved him and that we were divorcing not because I didn't love him or I couldn't forgive him but because he wouldn't stop contact. I told him we have to move forward with the divorce and he looked surprised.

I just felt I had to see him and have him see me. It has been 2 months. With all the emotional turmoil I have been through with this I have lost all my baby weight and look like I did when we got married. I wanted him to see that.

My plan b breaks keep getting me into this cycle, my call to him last week ended up being more angry then I intended so I felt I had to do this contact to have "the last contact" be a positive one.

I'm wondering if I should get counselling with Dr. Harely for myself during this time? I went back to the counselor that we saw right after I found out about the affair and she told me I wouldnt want him back, which kind of offended me so I havent wanted to go back but yes, I do need to get a hold of my emotions somehow.

Sorry Melody. You have given such great advice and I keep screwing up. So strange. WH has accused me of being cold and unemotional and I've also been the person that friends come to for straight forward logical advice. But going through this has made me a different person to it seems. I keep thinking of a quote I read once "grief doesn't change you, it reveals you."

Yes, I have removed him from my phone so at least I'm not capable of the spontaneous text.

Thank goodness for MB. I'm a person who always needs a plan, now I just need to actually follow it

You are right, I need to not be an emotional mess. So unattractive.

I have. I started on Lexapro 2 weeks ago. Dr. said it would make things worse for the 1st 2 weeks, and yes that def happened. I think it is starting to help now but Dr. said 8 weeks for full effect! Ugh.

amac, you are not a different person. You are the same amac but are going through the most traumatic ordeal that can happen to a person. It is almost impossible to keep a level head. This is why it is so important to set up a Plan B where you are protected from the WS and not in a chronic state of being triggered. Seeing him every time he drops off those kids keeps you in this state and prevents you from withdrawing like most ppl would in Plan B. A true plan B will give you complete relief and the ability to use better judgment and more emotional control.

I would focus 100%% on finding way to do these exchanges so you are not persistently exposed to him. you have to LET GO.

Grief DAMAGES a person. You are going through the worst thing you could ever experience. You need to give yourself a break, hon.

I usually dont see him in the kid exchange, this is the first time in 2 months and it happened because I called out to him as he was leaving. But so bad I know, I set a precedent now.

Should I be letting go? Thats the hard part. When I have hope it seems more bearable. When I try to let go is when I can't take it. So I tell myself I dont have to mourn it yet because its not really over. But should I mourn it and let go even though its going to be an awful process?

amac, you're not hearing us. We've been trying to tell you for a while. You have to change this exchange system. It is keeping you triggered and stuck.

Do you want to feel the same way you do right now in a year from now? Two years from now?

I don't care what my WxH does. He is remarried and has children with his new wife. It does not bother me in the least. However I see women and men on this forum that do not go into Plan B and they are no better off years after the divorce. They are either angry, in counseling, still in love/obsessed with their exes or a combination of all of the above.

I see that in your future if you do not close up these gaps. Him coming to your house isn't going to work.

If you were in a TRUE dark Plan B, you would not even need to ask yourself this question. It would just gradually happen on its own.

Honestly, I dont feel triggered by the exchange system. I was shocked that WH actually did the things required to start the divorce and it panicked me and I took the drop off as an opportunity for contact. Even with a babysitter, knowing the time when he comes to the house if I wanted to contact it wouldnt stop me from doing it. I need to get to a place were I dont want it. And yes, the dark Plan B is the only way that will happen.

I'm comforted to hear i will gradually let go with the dark Plan B, that is good motivation for me.

You aren't necessarily going to feel triggered. That's not how this works. You aren't going to be able to pinpoint the "important" areas to work on by saying, ohh, that caused a reaction or emotion.

The point is that you keep on breaking your Plan B and you are not healing the way a BS does when they go dark and start to withdraw. When that happens, you need to look at ALL of the holes and then close them. All of them. You don't pick and choose based on the BS's level of feeling "triggered".

I know that personally when the exchange location was moved away from my house (and my WxH did not come up to the door to drop off, he stayed at the end of the driveway which is over 100' from my front door) it made a HUGE difference in my recovery.

We are not comforted at all because we know you will never let go because you are not In an air tight plan b. You are perpetually triggered and it will get worse. You have to let go and go dark. Plan B is not working for this reason.

Betrayed spouses who refuse to go into plan b always claim they are not "triggered" as we watch them spiral out of control. People who are truly not "triggered" aren't making that claim.

But there will always be an excuse for contact. Well, I just had to tell him x, y or z about the kids. So and so that we knew is sick with cancer. Etc, etc etc.

And him coming to the door makes it too easy.



amac, you realize that you are speaking to somebody that has been through Plan B, right?

Plan B doesn't work that way. It doesn't "finally work" when the BS wakes up one day and doesn't want contact.

You need to close up the holes. Him coming to the door is a huge GAPING hole. I don't think you will find any poster who has been through Plan B who will tell you that's a good idea.

amac, what can you do to close the holes in your Plan B?

WH has been living at his paralegals house for the last 2 months. Now that the divorce is started he feels pressure to finally get an apartment (how he will afford it who knows). He said end of july to my atty, now is saying middle of the month. When that happens the exchange problem should be solved. He will pick them up from daycare and take them overnight and then drop them at daycare the next morning and then i would pick up from there.

Problem is who knows when he will really do that. I will try to think of some other way to do the exchange until then since I can't trust myself at this point. Now the exchange is going to be trigger because I made it one by contacting him!

No, that's not why. It is the set up itself that led to your confrontation. It is the trigger.

Can he pick them up from day care NOW and you have your babysitter be there when he drops them off?

I don't think you should wait until the middle of the month.