And this one....

Originally Posted By: Pepperband
The following is repost of an old old post....

with the following disclaimer...

be still does NOT and never has meant dont work on plan a plan b and or plan divorce if that is where you are or should be...
I am a huge advocate of having a plan

be still has not ever now nor never mean stay in any type of abuse....

I for one have only ever consistantly advocated getting out of any and all types of abuse with a well thought out safety plan..both "here" and in the real world....

this whole plan was born from reading post after post after after post from BS

asking

why did he/she say this or that
why did he/she do this or that
why why why
blah blah blah...

who knows why....

but I can assure you that
agonizing
ruminating
spinning it around and around in your head
thinking and examining every tiny thing they do....
driving yourself crazy staying only focused on the WS
not eating
not sleeping
imagining what the WS is doing every second of the day

is daunting and wastes energy needed for the BS to stay focused and on the path to healing....


It also about the fact that so many expect the WS to be instantly sorry on D-day
instantly insightful to their actions of destuctions
instantly disgusted by the thought of seeing or talking to the OP...

all instantly vanishing from the WS...all the wall of rationalization needed to have an affair..gone..

doesn't usually quite work that way.....even though the BS is shocked by that

that's what be still post has always been about....


so if you want to bump the be still post...
bump this one....

the original post stands on its own in my opinion..
from the moment it was written it clearly states that it is not about saving every marriage...

says nothing about staying in any type of abuse...

and is not ever about not working on a plan..

it is about the calming the thoughts swirling in your brain that distract your focus and hurt you....

thank you for your attention to this ridiculousness




Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473