The main thing in being a good father is taking care of your children's mother.

Fire the IC.

yep!!

No! Of course I don't believe it! It is so absurd! But since I can't argue the foolishness to WH I need to vent it out somewhere

Amen!

Got the letter and proposed agreement for my attorney to send to WH. I am pretty confident that when they contact him about it he will throw out "reconciliation" again. What should I have them say to him? I'm tempted to have them say "she is not interested in that now." Which am afraid is true. Even if he ended his affair and got a job in my county, with his apparent serial cheating tendencies I dont think I would take him back knowing thats what I would have to deal with. But at the same time I dont want to close the door forever.

I think to take him back I would need to know the truth of everything, when his porn addiction started, when his chatting started, if she is really his first affair. And I would want a polygraph to confirm it and then make my decision.

I think I will have my attorney respond if he mentions it "amac does not believe you are capable of meeting her conditions for reconciliation so she would like this matter resolved as quickly as possible."

I think that statement opens up dialogue. There is no reason to do that with a practicing wayward.

Instead you could have your attorney say, ' Amac has presented you with some conditions for her to be interested in reconciliation. Since you have not met those conditions, she is only interested in moving ahead with divorce.'

Have the people who intervene for you, your IC or attorney if it comes to that, tell him you are not interested in reconciliation *until he meets your conditions.* Clearly he has not done that or even attempted to do that, so there is no dialogue to have there. If he wants to discuss reconciliation any further, your attorney can refer him to your IM. Your attorney handles divorce I assume, not reconciliation...

He needs to understand that HE is not in charge of reconciliation. You are not just a dog waiting around for a bone....

Thanks Unwritten, that sounds good.

You gave him your conditions in the Plan B letter! A) END THE AFFAIR B) COMMIT TO A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY. It is a separate issue from the divorce. Once he does those things, he can reach out to your SISTER and she can test his sincerity.

Otherwise, this is just typical BULL**** served up to delay the divorce. TYPICAL.

What you should not ever ever do is allow a WS to delay a divorce with empty talk of "reconciliation." Go forward with the divorce and if he truly meets your conditions some day you can consider it.


"we would like this matter resolved as quickly as possible. If you end your affair and meet amac's conditions in the future, please reach out to her sister so she can discuss it with you. That does not change amac's desire to resolve this matter at the present."

yep yep!! We said the same thing but I like unwritten's statement much better!!

Hi Amac, Just checking on you and wondering if your plan B is going better now you have an attorney sending things to your WH? I've found the active legal stuff to be a big relief because it formalises all the communications and takes away any reason I had for communicating with WH directly. Have you got a plan for the Sunday visitation this week?

Hi Chalk, I think my Plan B is getting better, but I don't know if its a product of the legal stuff or not. NC with WH for 5 weeks now and I don't feel any desire to. During that time there has been little bits of info that have gotten through from other sources but I've worked on plugging those holes (gave my sister my social media passwords to change so I can't got on and look at OW, driving different route to avoid the park WH takes the kids to when he has them, things like that.)

Yes, the Sunday visitation is the gapping whole. With so much uncertainty about WH moving back and wanting more time with them (and therefore removing the need for him to come to the house), and then flaking last week its been hard for me to motivate to find a solution. If he signs the agreement then this custody pattern will be set in stone and I will have to really deal with it.

My gapping Plan B hole just became a huge tear. WH tricked me. He knocked on the door put the baby on the step with his carseat so it looked clear and I opened the door, but he was standing off to the side with my daughter and asked to talk. I said no, talk to my sister, grabbed the baby and my daughter then when I'm back behind the door then he says- "I quit" I thought he was going to say he quit his job which would have been significant, but he said "i quit to affair." And of course that started a whole conversation (with me still behind the door I did not see him).

Bottom line, once again, when I take action to progress the divorce he claims the affair is over and spouts lie after lie. He claims that the text from OW was a lie, that there is no 3rd woman and it was just chatting "that one time" but then said ok he admits he has a problem and is going to therapy. I told him I didn't believe him that i think he lied our whole marriage, that i still love him, but I dont think the person I love really exists. I told him I'm happy now and i'm done, that I want the divorce and continually asked him to sign the agreement. He played dumb "what agreement" like he doesn't know what I want. When i asked him what his plan was for us then he said he is going to move back here but knows he can't live in the house but stilll wants to be able to come and have dinner as a family, AKA CAKE EATING!! No way. I told him I am nobody's consolation prize and told him to sign the agreement and shut the door. I cannot believe he has the nerve to think i would fall for this S***.

I will figure out something this week for the exchanges.

Hi Amac, I had much the same thing from my WH over months. He was prepared to go to great lengths to pretend that the affair was "over", but was still somehow unable to provide actual evidence or complete the things on the SAA checklist which would have made it impossible for him to communicate with her or start any new affairs. I found that this article describes the situation quite well: http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8001_affair.html

I have also struggled with WH telling everyone that he wants reconciliation, and giving people lists of things he has supposedly done, and claiming that I just don't want him. He is very convincing. But as long as I just counter all this rubbish by watching his ACTIONS not listening to his words, it stops me being sucked into his warped revision of reality.

But I think it is a good sign that your WH is not comfortable and happy in affairland. So now is the time to really step up the pressure with plan B so he gets the message that you won't accept crumbs and he has no option but to come back ready to grovel at your feet - or not at all.

I feel awful today. That contact really did set back my healing I think. I know WH was lying and is not ready, and I do want the agreement done and divorce but it is so hard to hear the things you want to hear knowing its not genuine. I'm just so drained of all of this.

But I have plugged the hole!! Hired a babysitter to come for the drop offs

I will survive this affair

Translation: my affair is not over but I want to throw you some crumbs so you will drop the divorce and invite me to dinner occasionally. for the children, of course.......

Bravo!!

That's great Amac!! You are sounding so much stronger and more positive than a while ago. Great work!

Thanks Chalk! I do feel more at peace with my situation. I know I could be happy with either outcome, but my past desperation has been because of my angt about having my kids come from a broken home. However, seeing how happy they are and how well we have done with just the three of us over the last few months I believe I can still make a good life for them in spite of their father's choices. So that helps.

I'm also determined to break this horrible cycle. When WH told me he "quit" the affair I responded I didnt believe him, that he only was acting in reaction to what I had done (the agreement) he said I do that too, that I reached out to him when did the taxes (something I asked him to do through my IM to further the divorce) and he said he knew I would do that. Now I'm expecting he will do something to provoke a reaction from me. I'm hoping that will be signing the agreement. I assume he thinks that if he signs it I will get cold feet and freak out. Not gonna happen this time.

I have to admit my temptation. I want to have my IM send this message to WH:

"Do not contact amac like that again. Yesterday DD said "it was daddy, daddy made you cry, I felt bad." Now amac has hired a babysitter to do the exchange from now.

Unless you can prove that your affair is over and you either have quit your job or found one in OC, and are willing to do whatever it takes to create a LOVE filled marriage, there is nothing to discuss. Talking and lying just create more hurt. All communication should come through me."

I know I shouldnt because NC will make him more likely to sign the agreement. So I have to hold off, but its so hard! I want him to know the impact that contact like that has not just on me, but on our kids. I know its largely my fault for leaving that as a hole, but still he needs to be aware of the consequences too.

You don't realize it but this is you looking for a fix.

Once you truly get into a Plan B (once the babysitter is there for the drop-offs and I would advise you to leave the house during this time), for a period of time -- weeks, maybe even a month or two -- this temptation should wear off.

You can do this, amac. You haven't been in Plan B yet - why not really give it a try?