Thank you for this post. I have only been lurking and posting and reading for a few days. It is the kind of information that shortcuts what would be a long process for us "newbys". <p>As you probably all know (vetran Mber's) when you first come to the boards there is a tremendous sense of urgency to know everything as fast as you can. <p>I really wish there was a mentoring program for some of us newbys.<p>Thanks again for the post.<p>Michael

You're very welcome, Michael.<p>You might want to also check out the Success Story I bumped by "LostVA", very inspiring.<p>In addition, if you breeze by the "Just Found Out" board, you'll see quite a few posts that were created to help our Newbies along with education of the MB Principals and the like.<p>Best of luck.<p>God Bless,
Jo

Great topic!<p>Recently, I was rereading this site and the MB books, when something popped out to me. (i am contemplating plan B)<p>Hers's a recap of a Q & A on plan A & B. I realize that i have misapplied plan A based on this description:<p>PLAN A - IS TO NEGOCIATE TOTAL SEPARATION FROM OP
Naturally, that is more likely to happen if BS doesn't LB <p>IN NEGOCIATIONS, the causes of the A should be addressed.<p>THE CAUSE, many times are unmet EN's. So, BS expresses the willingness to meet EN's<p>ANOTHER CAUSE is retaliation for thoughtless behavior of the (pre) BS<p>ANOTHER CAUSE is lifestyle that keeps partners away from each other...business, recreational...<p>SO, PLAN A IS TO ADDRESS ALL ROOT CAUSES AND OFFER A SOLID PLAN.<p>IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK THIS WAY - That the A ends with thoughtfullness and care. (How well we know!) <p>A REASONS FOR THIS - could be the addictive aspect of the A <p>ANOTHER REASON - WS wants to have their cake and eat it too.<p>SO, IF PLAN A DOESN'T WORK WITHIN A REASONABLE TIME FRAME, TO AVOID THE PAIN WHILE WS IS WAFFLEING, plan B is to totally avoid WS until totally end A and.........agree to Harley's recovery plan.<p>THIS AVOIDS THE BS TAKING BACK WS BEFORE AGREEMENT IS MADE FOR M RECOVERY This leads to return of all conitions that made the A possible, if love not restored, resentment no overcome, then there is a great risk of ANOTHER A
(This happened to us previosly)<p>WITHOUT THAT, BETTER TO STAY IN PLAN B<p>
So long story short, I thought plan A was to meet ENs and work on myself for a period of time to be determined.<p>THANKS FOR THIS POST - I HAVE BEEN ENLIGHTED
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Thank you for this awesome post! Sorry mine is a bit long. But I think it shows some good progress.<p> I have been plan Aing from a distance since D-day. 12-31-02. My H left to live with OW in another country. His A began due to us being separated while he was at school. He has virtually put us in plan B since D-day. He left with OW on 1-04-02. Since than he has e-mailed me 6 times and called me 4 times (He changed his # so no one could reach him). That's it. Minimal contact. I only sent him cards in the mail and an e-mail from time to time in response to his e-mails (I did not respond to all his e-mails- Venusian). I let him initiate contact. I told him I let him go. When you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never ment to be. I told him that and then I started living for myself preparing for him not to come home but keeping the door open.<p> When he called I never brought up the A. I only asked how his classes were and made small talk. I told him some of the great things I was doing and let him know I was doing fine without him (but not rubbing it in). i was happy as could be expected but never really let him know how destroyed I was. I did that on D-day. I never LB'ed. I let him bring up the situation and told him I was here for him when and if he wanted to work it out but I was living for me now.<p> Now tonight I got a phone call from my H that it was just about over with the OW. It would be completely over once he left school and came home to me! He was taking a semster off from school to come home and work things out! He said he was scared and he didn't know what will happen. He does not know how or why i still love him and am willing to work it out. He also said I have made more than enough sacrifices for him. The he was coming home to get everything on the table and work this out. He will be home from the end of April until September.<p> I think we are on the right track but I am scared to death. I do not know the man that is coming home and I do not know how to plan A with him home! I do not want to be too clingly or too independent. I know I have to let him bring up the relationship talks but I know he always had a problem with communication. Does him saying he wants to come home and work it out mean he will actually talk out our problems? I hope so. Does it also mean the A is over? <p> I think the psudo plan B he forced us into let his A die out naturally. I hope! Apparently the cards and two packages I sent him made the OW go ballistic and his fog started to burn off. they were living together with my consent since September. I didn't know they were having an A. I thought they were just study partners. BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART. I trusted him totally- always have. I guess spending uninterrupted time with her 24/7 for 6 months and them having the past 2 months since D-day has made him see some reality? In any event he seems to have made some sort of choice on his own with no suggestions from me. It was totally his idea to take a semester off and come home. I never told him about total seperation from OW for recovery of our M. He seems to be choosing it by coming home. I hope I can do the job in the few months I have. I hope he will take me back to school with him. I will wait for him to ask.<p> By taking a semester off he will no longer be in the same classes as her and he will not have to see her except maybe on campus sometime. (OH NO!) I just hope she does not decide to take a semester off too. then they would be back in the same classes again!!<p> I just wanted to share my experiences thus far to let you know how it has worked for me. I have tried to follow the Harley method by the book as well as sought counsiling from Jennifer and an outside therapist (who I turned on to MB and he has shared with his clients)
So he's coming home. Wish me luck. Any ideas? Advice? Sorry so long.
Forgiver

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This is a great thread!
I am grappling with this very situation; how long, how intense should I "Plan A" before I move to Plan B....
For one, it's been 7 months since the discovery of the A, and there have been dozens of lies ever since about it having ended, about it being friendship, etc. but it's still what it always was: an EA.
No remorse, no concrete actions indicating she wants to work on marriage, no concrete action showing she is going to end it or has ended it, and even worse, she states and acts like "this is mine, you can't know about it or touch it, and I need my privacy". Even in her words, she no longer says "we'll" do this, she says "I'll do this". I have no indication that she really wants to end it, admit it, remorse, or anything else that would be seen as a positive sign, except she does say she loves me and she wants to fix the marriage, and she has tried to change some of her behavior as I have mine. But on the other fronts; (affair, lies, second life, etc.), no change at all.
So, is it time for Plan B? Is it time to give up? Should I Plan A some more?

SpaceCase,<p>That is the age old question, "when is it right to go to Plan B".<p>Only the BS knows this, and a very good indicator for migrating to Plan B is when you are beginning to lose all love for your WS. Also, when you feel that you're doing more of enabling the WS as opposed to Plan A'ing them.<p>So, only you, the BS, can decide.<p>Best of luck ....<p>Love,
Jo

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