Buffy,<P>Thanks Not sure why more (Ws's) aren't out there posting, or sharing. This is my way of giving back, and my way of dealing with it as well. Also helps my wife to know, as strange as that may sound. She's glad to get some perspective on it as well.<P>Yeah I'm blessed to have such a wonderful wife. Blessed to have such a great friends and family. Including those new friends and family here at MB <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

[H] WROTE: "This is my way of giving back, and my way of dealing with it as well. Also helps my wife to know, as strange as that may sound. She's glad to get some perspective on it as well.<BR>Yeah I'm blessed to have such a wonderful wife"<P>[H] and Knewjie:<BR> You two will NEVER know how inspirational it is to be able to read your story....it is truly a healing balm for my spirit. It is as if I AM with my H, and I KNOW what he is feeling and thinking and going through. This helps me pray all the more intelligently for what he needs right now.<P>With absolutely NO CONTACT with my H for 1 month now, I could be going insane! But God sent you two "angels unaware" to help guide us BS's through this with grace and confidence that we will not screw up! Without this MB's sight, and this forum AND your posts, I KNOW I would have sought retribution from my H - I would have been to OW's house, banging down the door and screaming bloody murder at her and at him!! I KNOW this. My H knows this about me. In fact, he's probably wondering where I am! <BR> As you stated, [H], you expected your wife to really GET you! You were waiting and watching to see punishment exacted by her on you!! This is what I think my H's OW is telling him, based, of course, on what HE told HER about my personality. But by not doing any of this, I think he will one day open his eyes and see the love I have for him, and want to come home to me. He DID tell me that he "didn't think I'd care" that he left! That told me a lot about how distant our relationship had become. I blame myself for a lot of that (OK, 50%). He now knows that isn't true. We did speak once in the last month. He DID say he "had a lot of things to think about now..." I TRULY believe he thought I didn't care, didn't love him, and wouldn't mind if he left! Now knowing that isn't true, I think it will get much milage in his decision when he's ready to return.<P>BTW, I also want to say that my H hasn't said any of the really, really hurtful things WS's say when they leave. He DID go to an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up (now I believe that was HER condition in having him move in with her), but he didn't say anything in his note about "not loving me..." about not caring anymore, never loved me..." any of the stuff some WS's have said. He has always just been matter-of-fact. "The marriage is over. I want a divorce." I respect him and love him a LOT for not breaking my heart while he himself was in such conflict.<P>Thank you again. I truly appreciate your sharing with us. May God continue to bless and heal you two.<P>Waiting and loving,<BR>Lupolady

Yes - thanks for your insights. It is extremely difficult to maintain composure with the events unfolding around me. My children know something is going on, they sense things. My wife is rolling up and down on this rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. I believe she is wracked with guilt more strongly than she understands. She went from complete and utter depression on Tuesday thru Thursday - unable to do anything to being a cold, hard and cutting me down with every comment on Friday. Today she appears to be a little weaker. I don't know. Just continue to be supportive caring and loving.<P>Thank you for all your insight, I'll continue to pray and love her. You and everyone's postings I read help me to know that this is not unique, that my wife is a pretty much classic case and that we will get through this!

I don't really have a question. I happened upon this MB board just looking for something interesting to read. I was struck with the passion, commitment, and honesty of this thread. Oh, how I longed for that in my own marriage, but it was not to be.<P>Mine is a hopeless situation. I too, married until death do I part, and I ain't dead yet either. But this marriage was killing me, on the inside (I felt), as well as the outside. I say it's hopeless because I have given up. I have evolved to a place my husband wants no part of, and I cannot remain in his. Our relationship was fraught with addiction, abuse, and betrayal. I recovered from alcoholism and drug abuse, and he didn't. Worse than that was the controlling abuse I endured, and the lack of respect for my needs, wants, and desires unless they fell somewhere between the levels of laundry and shopping.<P>Worse, was my husband's confusion and subsequent denial of his inherent sexual orientation. Part of his infidelity siege laid with gay and bisexual chat rooms located in our immediate area. Based on that and other factors, my counselor, psychiatrist, priest, and I concluded the possibility of my husband being bisexual was very real. That, the affairs he continues with (I was replaced long before be broke up with me by email, like we were going steady), controll issues, and addictions (alcohol, drugs, work, sex) made my married life unbearable.<P>I did everything I could to fix my marriage. I did too much really, over the course of two years. Each time we appeared to be healed, I would realize my husband hadn't changed at all, but had just repackaged himself. Given enough time for each "honeymoon" period to end, conditions returned to their previous state. Clearly, he was not going to quit drinking, and I was not going to put up with it any longer.<P>I quit drinking and using for myself, because I loved my family. I was a wreck; I had hit bottom. I saw my only way out was through recovery. My husband's affection for alcohol was stronger than his affection for me, and I could not compete. Nothing makes me sadder than the demise of my marriage. Nothing mattered to me more than saving my marriage. I became so vested in our relationship that I didn't realize how alone I was in my endeavors. I had to stop. I had to live for me, because I love my family. There is nothing more important than people, but this is one philosophy that was not shared.<P>Here I am, in the beginning throes of a contentious divorce from a manipulating, adulterous alcoholic. Who I love, but I cannot save. I am lonely. I read this thread and think, "Oh, yes! This is what I want! This is the kind of relationship I'd like to forge! This is how I want to love and be loved!" But, I must wait. I have to be patient lest I rush into another marriage that is a clone of my previous one. Interestingly, my husband's new girlfriend looks like me. She is successful like I once was. She has a really nice car like I once had. She has a pretty home with all the furnishings like I did. She has a really good job and makes a lot of money like I enjoyed so long ago. I allowed my husband to take my things and to take over my life. I gave it all away, including my core. And you know what? He drives her car. He's going to move in with her. I look at them on the video the P.I. made, and I see the same behaviors we had 14 years ago. The same affection. The same recreation (drinking). The same I-love-you body language, clothes, and figures. I am amazed. And I guess I shouldn't be. Maybe I should be flattered? <P>With luck and persistence, I'll evolve to the point where God will send me true, unselfish, committed love. Like the [H]'s.<P>Blessings,<BR>Nell

Nell:<BR> I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you. I just know that you don't deserve to be treated the way you say your H treated you. If your H has been as abusive as you say,this could be a blessing, to be rid of him. It sounds like you hung on and worked on your marriage long enough to know you did everything you could.<P>Now,work on yourself, get healing for yourself here and in the books recommended. Read, read, post and listen and learn. It's what I am doing.<P>Keep seeing that P.I. tape and seeing how your H is acting with the OW. It's so much like how YOU started. Keep reminding yourself that he brought you down to where you are now, and he'll keep repeating this behavior with OW. This is not productive for your future. You need to focus on healing yourself and moving on. Let him continue unhealthy practices and beliefs without you. <P>Learn, read, study, fix yourself. Then you WILL be the kind of person who deserves to be treated properly in a kind, loving relationship with a REAL MAN. <P>I will pray for you, I will add you to my list (it't getting QUITE long!) and God will help you get through this. There are tons of wonderful kindred spirits on this forum who will help whenever you need to vent, scream, cry or just be lonely and sad. Please stay in touch.<P>God bless you.<BR>Lupo

<<I will pray for you, I will add you to my list (it't getting QUITE long!) and God will help you get through this.>><P>Um...Lupo, can you put me down twice? I just love strong, spiritual people who pray!<P>I have a milk crate filled with downloaded text on marriage, relationships, love, communication, intimacy, adultery, conflict resolution, addictions, mental health, and of course, divorce. I belong to 7 support groups last count, both online and off. I have AA books and pamphlets, Al-Anon book and pamphlets, a sponsor, daily devotionals, bibles, Oprah's magazine "O," 2 books by Melody Beatty, and one by the lady who wrote, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them." The more knowledge I gained, the more my husband withdrew and retreated, bitterly complaining about being "lectured." If I could wish him well I would, and I wish I could do just that. <P>I am not at peace with my situation, and I just have to live with it for the most part. I feel so rejected that my husband didn't love me enough to allow us to help each other through this tragedy. He doesn't know the extent of my awareness, and I am crushed by his continued betrayal, lies, and ruses. I feel myself cycling back down into the emotional abyss where not even light can enter. I constantly think of things I can do to perk up, and I may join a gym. I would love a personal trainer to help me get buff for my big day in court. <P>I guess my melancholy stems in large part to this business of paperwork. I have been at it for days now, copying, writing, searching, and cataloging. How do Zsa Zsa and Liz manage? Everything's a trigger it seems, especially the financial statements from when we had a good time as a family, back in Fantasyland. His name is a trigger, his car is a trigger, his handwriting and his signature are triggers, even his spate of hate email I collected is a trigger. I have all but moved out of state emotionally, that's how much contact I have with him now. <P>There is nothing I can approach, even anything as innocuous as visitation or painting the house without being goaded into a fight or slammed with a verbal assault of smart-assed, arrogant, superior, mocking, sarcasm. The topic of money morphs my husband into a rabid barracuda. I am exhausted from his games of financial hold out with "his" money. I now await the temporary relief hearing, hence my scramble to organize reams of scattered documents. My friends are few and my finances are low. <P>Despite my great sadness and tribulations, I know that in the end I will be successful and happy. I can feel it, my friends have told me, and the psychics have made their predictions. Had I gone through this 10 or 20 years ago, I probably would have needed to be hospitalized. I guess wisdom comes with age as much as wisdom comes with suffering. Thank you for your kind note. It is of the caliber I treasure.<P>Blessings,<BR>Nell