Hello Everyone,<P>Thank you ALL for being there and for the many words of wisdom.I am going to do as you suggested and try to be calm and in control of my feelings.Very hard I know but I will just think of all the people who are with me-MB....<BR>I will write and let you know as soon as he is gone.<P>I looked up the divorce laws,we cannot divorce for at least another 7 months because of residency laws.I don't think he is aware of this.Should I tell him?<P>Thank you all from my heart.

No, don't tell him about the residency laws... he'll find out soon enough on his own.<P>Boy, after your first post I was so worried about you!! It's nice to see that you've been left in very good hands. I am so happy to see you upbeat, feeling better, and among new friends.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Wishing you the very best of luck today - it's going to be tough, but you have proved to yourself just how strong you can be by managing to survive this far...<P>hugs, Paint.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Dear Sad&alone,<P>You are doing good. I am so proud of you. Now a bit of practice and preparation will do some good. You have been given good suggestions. Just one more...... Prepare yourself for when the stress starts to be build. BREATHE, slowly in and out (no hyperventialting ). Sounds funny but it does lower the blood pressure a bit. Allows enough time for you to regain your composure. <P>My question to you is: How long are you willing to wait for your H to make up his mind? <P>In my case, my H probably would have continued on his A forever, since he is not the type to fix something unless his life is in jeporady. Well, I told him I would not wait forever. Of course, this was not immediately. It was after I had given him 4 months of plan A. <P>See if you can feel out during your conversation if your H will be doing this as long as he knows he has you waiting in the wings and wants to keep 'all his options'. For me it did not feel good to be an 'option'. I removed myself from that choice when I went to plan B. <P>You may feel a bit nervous. That is normal. But I am sure you are more confident than he will be by the end of the conversation even if a few tears are shed on both sides. <P>Sending support from this end of the world...<BR>L.<BR>

Back to the top

Back to the top...have we heard from her today????

Bumping Sad back to the top - there's a big time difference, 'cos she's not in the USA - so some of you insomniac posters will have to look out for Sad in the early hours of the morning....hope she's OK.<P>Paint.

To all my dear friends,<P>Am feeling drained in every way possible.<P>H arrived,was shocked to see how ill he looked,has lost about 8kg. Offered him a drink,gave him a hug and asked him about his trip.Small talk was made for a while and then H just broke down....Started crying,holding his head in his hands,wouldn't (couldn't?) even look at me.I went and sat next to him and held him until he stopped crying.Then asked him if I could do anything..Inside I was in a BIG mess.Outside very calm.Just kept thinking about all of you,what you would be telling me to do.<P>He then started to talk about our marriage,how he never wanted this to happen,he doesn't know how we reached this point (????) about the baby,the pain and the hurt and also the guilt.He asked me if I hated him.I replied that this emotion had never surfaced during all of this sadness (right or wrong thing to say I don't know).<P>This conversation went on for a while and then he turned around and said that he wished everything could be OK but too much has happenend to "go back". I didn't say too much,just told him that I love him and did not like to see him so sad. He then became more in control and told me that he had made his decision and couldn't change his mind.By now I felt as if I was on the biggest emotional roller coster ride of my life.This conversation continued for around six hours.With the end result being I love you but cannot go back on my decision.Without pushing I tried to point out that all decisions are changeable.This he would not accept.<P>He left back to the hotel after hugging me and telling me he loves me and that I was the "perfect wife" and sorry he didn't have the strength to continue.<P>He is leaving the country on Sat and does not want to see me again.He told me that he will call before he goes.<BR>I am now even more confused and distraught then before and cannot make any sense out of his behaviour.I don't know what I should do now.I love this man more than anything in the world and want our marriage.He is my life.<BR>ANY advice on where I should go from here?<BR>There was no mention of divorce.<P>I don't have words to express my gratitude to all of you wonderful,caring prople.<P>I am very tired.<BR>SAD

First of all, you done good girl! Second, get some rest, I think we all know how these things take it out of you.<P>From what I read you did everything right. When he broke down you went and showed him the affection and love that he needed to see that you still had for him.<P>I am also confused about this 'reached this point' thing...what point have you reached? Did he explain?<P>Also, if he thinks you are the 'perfect wife', why is he leaving?????????<P>I wish I had something for you this morning....but frankly, I am stumped on the next move. If it were me, I would be looking to make sure that my needs are met right now. Am I eating, resting, making sure that I am being calm and not trying to over-think the situation. <P>All you can do is to continue to show, say and project to him your love.<P>Let everyone else chime in with their thoughts and I know we can come up with something.<P>I am just glad you made it and from your post, even though you may think you a basket case.....you actually sound 300% stronger than your first post! <P>Get some rest and if you are still having problems sleeping, go see that doc!<P>Were with you all the way!

Sadandalone:<P>You handled it excellently. As for the rest: he is in the fog, as WS's always are; yet, in his response, the fog dissipated. All-in-all, it appears to be lifting.<P>One day at a time. Take a deep breath, get some sleep, and see what the new day brings.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<P>

Hi Sad. You did awesome!! Great job! Sad, I get this awful feeling that your H is not telling you everything. Things don't add up. He wants to run away instead of facing you. It could be ANYTHING at this point, don't let your mind wander, but something is getting to him.<P>If you are serious about working on your marriage. Two things: You need to still work on you and try to get over, "him being your life". Believe me, I felt the same way, it's not healthy and will only hurt your marriage in the long run, it took me a long time to realize this.<P>Second, read up everything you can on plan A on this website and do it till ya can't do it no more. I wouldn't pester him, but leave him nice notes at the hotel just reminding him how much you care for him and that you are here to talk when he wants to, etc. Nothing too dramatic (I miss you, I need you, come home I can't survive w/o you - DON'T DO THIS!!). Leave him nice voicemails or emails restating these things. Just things that will reassure him that WHATEVER it is you can get through it together.<P>At some point I think your H will crack and tell you what has happened that makes him feel he can't go back. You need to prepare yourself for this (it could be ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING), run over what you will say in your mind, what you will and won't put up with. Then just wait for it to happen. Could take a while for him to confide in you.

You were awesome - really!! That was such a tough thing to do, and you made it! I am so proud of you <P>You have done everything exactly right so far - don't worry about what he's saying at the moment - believe me, we've all heard the exact same things from our WS's (Wayward Spouses). It's uncanny how they all seem to say the same things - like they're reading a script from a play! Let it go in one ear and straight out the other - these are ramblings from someone who is 'temporarily insane' OK?<P>Yes, he does still love you - and he's feeling terribly guilty for what he's done - at the moment he cannot comprehend how you could ever forgive him, or how you could ever have a relationship again. This is normal, and is the reason why he's saying he 'can't go back' etc. <P>The next stage, as has already been suggested, is to go to Plan A, rest, work on healing yourself. Your husband is what we call 'in the fog' at the moment - nothing can get through to him, no-one can get through to him. Occasionally the fog clears a bit, but can then come back. Only he can sort himself out - neither you or anyone else can 'fix' him. The main thing is to give him plenty of time, look after yourself, and keep trying to be his 'friend' - reassure him, give him a safe place to come and talk etc. It takes some time for the fog to clear - it may be only a couple of months, it may be 6 months, it may be longer. This is why you must work on yourself too - don't put your life on 'hold', of course, if you want to save your marriage then you should not 'date' or anything - but there's no reason why you shouldn't get out with friends and go places and generally live your life as best as you are able.<P>You are doing brilliantly so far - and I'm so relieved that you managed to hang on in there last night - I was thinking about you constantly!!<P>hugs, Paint.

More congratulations here!!!! Very well done.<P>Get your antidepressants and hunker down for the long road. He will vascillate between commitment #1 (you) and commitment #2 (whoever she is) until that second bubble bursts. He has to know you are there for him.<P>Good luck. Strength. Resolve. Willpower.<P>Bama

Gonna kick back to the top and ask if anyone has heard anything from Sad????

See her other post "Bad news".