I can sympathize with you on MIL's. Mine also did everything for her children-still does when they are at her house. She was a stay-at-home mom though. She keeps a messy house though like the one you were describing. (She has more dirty dishes in her sink than at my home and I work full-time.) I sometimes think H wouldn't be able to find the refrigerator to pour himself a drink if he was dehydrating. whenever we have family dinners, I have to fix my H's plate, my kids' plates, and my plate. He has never had to do that for himself and I honestly don't mind doing it for him. It drives my friends crazy for me to get up and get him a drink "when he can do it himself". It doesn't bother me to do those things for him - that is until I get upset with him. Then he becomes Mr. Lazy who can't do anything for himself. Isn't that funny how some things don't seem to bother us until we get upset over something else. Does your H ever offer to help you clean?

We had a deal-I would clean and he would pay the bills. However, we started getting letters in the mail from collectors because he wasn't paying on time and HIS MUSTANG was repo'd because he hadn't paid them in 3 months! (my car was paid off before we got married). I got freaked out because I had impecible credit and he has bad credit due to mishandling in in youth that gave him bad credit for 7 years (should be off his record next year?). As he said himself, there is NO excuse for not paying bills. He had a job (just got laid off) and the two of us make decent money-he has the money in the bank-he just gets lazy. He didn't pay the car bills because they messed up something and he was too lazy to go over there to straighten it out.<P>I mentioned all of this to him and how it bothers me to have debt collectors calling/writing us (for a $44 phone bill, no less) and he got very angry with me and started harping about how messy I am. Then he said he could clean the house better and faster than me.<P>I feel like I have to point out every time I do any cleaning around the house. We both have full-time jobs (or did until the layoff) and are busy after work too. But, he's free to go "play" while I'm supposed to clean. So, when I vacuum, or even change a light bulb I point it out to him so he knows I did something-since he says I never do. However, I pick up after him constantly and never say anything to him. But if he had to pick up something of mine, he'd make a HUGE point to tell me. For instance, I left the medicine cabinet doors open one morning-he made a huge deal out of the fact that I did it (making me feel like a "bad girl"). The next week, he left them open by mistake. I just simply shut the doors and never mentioned it. But the difference is, he's gotta point out what I do wrong ALL the time.

I know that one of the things you're going to hear is to not point out what you have done-H prob takes it as nagging him. I'm new here also and I think you're getting out of my league.<P>Does anyone else have any advice for DBS?<P>Anna

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Sorry I couldn't get in today. Haven't really felt like posting anyway. Not having a good day. I go between wanting to be with H and wanting him to go ahead and move out because being around him makes my stomach turn. I don't know anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a competition over my H. I'm beginnning to agree with others-he needs to get his head out of his butt. If he wants me, he needs to be with me. If he wants her, he needs to be with her. This is killing me slowly. I will be on tonight for a while. I'm going to another post to find out how to get the virus off my computer so he can "chat" online with his other "friends". Still the vision of smoke rolling off the monitor would make me happy. Someone help. I'm sinking and feel like quitting.

No viruses on my puter. Don't know whether to be happy or sad. Someone PLEASE talk to me tonight. I feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I have anything left to give to anyone. H, sons, or work. I have been late to work all week and part of me doesn't really care. I have never had a problem with tense muscles or back pain, but my shoulders, neck and back are killing me. My muscles are so tight in my shoulders MIL asked me if I had been exercising and pulled something. Normally, I'm the relaxed one and now it hurts to walk. I feel like giving up. If H wants her so dang bad, why doesn't he just leave me alone?? Why keep hurting me over and over? Why do I let him keep hurting me over and over? H is acting like things are getting better again, but I know he's still talking to her. I'm not supposed to ask about it so I haven't, but you don't know how much I want to. Their one year anniversary is coming up soon--I feel like buying something like a dead rose and sending one to him and one to her. I can't stand her. I'm beginning to not be able to stand him. He's a liar and too dang good at it. Why am I expected to try and try and try--I'm not perfect, never have been and never will.

Up-I really need some help tonight. Please read above post.

I'm so sorry you are so blue. Are you alone? Where's H? Where are your kids? This darn forum is going so slow... I'm here, and maybe some others will join us. But you are not alone. ok?

Thanks Faith. H had to go to a club to take some tapes to a bass player. The kids are asleep. I'm lonely and I'm trying my best not to cry. Crying is one of H's LB's and he'll know if I've been crying when he gets home (whenever that may be). I had a friend at work tell me something that I'm thinking about--she said that if I leave H to leave the kids with him. She says he shouldn't get off scot free to do what he pleases. I'm thinking that maybe that would give him some idea of what I do for him and how I do make his life easier. I'm just so frustrated. I know he is still talking to OW while (once again) it seems things are getting better around here. I'm not even mad at OW (maybe a little)-I feel more sorry for her than anything. All my anger is directed towards H. I don't understand how a man like I know he is (honest, caring, etc.) can act like he is. I know he's in "the fog", but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I would rather think he's a toad and he's screwing us both over. I just don't know anymore. If I do kick him out or I leave, I'm the b**ch because his life is so hectic right now. I'm sick of the band taking priority. I help him constantly with the band thinking maybe I can alieviate some of the stress, but it just seems like more and more. H doesn't have "time" to figure out his life right now. Will he ever have time or is this just an excuse. He has time to call her and fill her full of crap. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG! I'm just so irritated right now-I could blow up.

Read through this post. It helps me sort out my feelings, and realize that they are normal. And it helps me to see that other people are goig through the same stuff - or worse.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I'm here, if you want to talk. I know the forum is moving slow. We'll just have a slow conversation.

I know you are tired and frustrated. You have a right to be! <P>Think of it this way - just a different perspective maybe.... . One of the things my H tells me (remember, he had the A and moved out, and I am in Plan A while his fog clears) is that he doesn't want to work on the marraige anymore because he's tired and "worked on it" for 2 years, and he just can't try anymore. ooooohhhhh that makes me so mad!!!! I never knew he was unhappy or that there was anything to work on!!!! argggghhhhhh.... I think to myself, this is MARRIAGE. It's supposed to be for LIFE. We say "I DO" when we say our vows, not "I'll try". OK, so now, that I know there were problems (he never told me - doesn't like confrontation), I say, lets work on this together - with some guidance - MB principles and a counselor. Nope. He's still in a fog.<P>SO I guess, what I'm saying is, don't give up. please. Give this some more time. Especailly for your kids. They need a mommy and daddy. I know you are really tired. you feel like you're the only one hangin' on. But can you hang on for 3-6 months of Plan A? Wouldn't it be worth a lifetime of happiness to hang on for that long? No - there's no guarantees. But you just got started on Plan A. GIve it some more time. Personally, I couldn't see myself hangin' on for 6 months. Here I am - 3 months since D-Day, and 2 months into Plan A. Can I make it 6 months? I still don't know. But the end of September is my goal right now. We'll see then.<P>no, I don't think you should leave your H. <P>Vent some more here. You're probably typing right now. i'll wait a few minnutes beofre I repsond again. i think the forum has picked up speed a little.

I went and read the post you referred me to. Yes, I can stay in Plan A a little while longer. I don't know exactly how long. I'll probably be in here once a week (or every night) wanting to quit and needing people to talk to. H doesn't even mention OW though. He acts like she doesn't exist. All I hear about is the band and how stressed he is. He's definitely in "the fog". If I asked him about her, I would either get a "yes" without caring or a "yes, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings" or a "why did you bring that up while I'm so stressed?" It would probably be the last response. I feel so guilty when I think of bringing anything up because he is so busy, but at the same time I think he has time to stop and call her so he can take the time to talk to me. I get so tired of waiting for him. I don't know if he's even stopped to think of what's he's going to do about us--he's "so busy". <P>Just read what I've posted--I'm in a mood tonight, huh?

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My H has been so busy at work - during and right after the A also. HE was always complaing about being so busy, and I KNEW he had time to see her and talk to her. ugh. yuck. I really think his A is over. He doesn't talk about her - I don't ask - right now. I will have to bring things up in another week or so. I've been really laying down a good Plan A - thinking only of his needs right now. So that's my recommendation for you too. Be there for him. See if he'll talk about his stress. Take good care of him. Fill his needs. Can you take some time off of work? a week? a couple of days? TO rejuvenate yourself and have some time to take a deep breath.<P>We certainly don't mind you coming here to vent or ask for a pick-me-up. Take care of you and your precious babies. Fill as many EN's as you can - and feel good about it. It's not about being a doormat. I read someone else say it's about being a door - you are openeinga door to a better marriage - better communication - and a more mature love for each other.

Oh, he has no problem talking about his stress. In fact, that's about all he does talk about. I've told him if he ever needs anything let me know. I ask him on a daily basis, is there anything I can do to help. No, I can't afford to take off work right now. Just went and took a nice bath and dressed in something nasty like he likes. I'll probably be asleep by the time he gets home (if I can sleep in this thing!). I guess my biggest problem right now is - When is he ever going to have time and not be under so much stress that he can work on our relationship (either way he decides)? I'm doing my best to be supportive and not get upset. I'm so glad I found this site though. If not, we prob would have killed each other by now. When can I bring us up though without p*ssing him off? I don't know when the band situation is going to calm down. It's been one thing after another for years now.

Enjoy your time with your H when he gets home. <P>When you feel like you have laid down a good plan A, and he seems more open and reponsive to you, you can start bringing up your EN's. Otherwise, he won't make any effort to fill your needs (less time and stress with the band). When he feels more like his marriage is a priority, maybe he will TREAT it and YOU like it IS a priority. Men feel that their work is very important - well, it is. <P>YOu are precious for hanging in there, and supporting him. Hopefully, he will realize it.

Interesting how you say it's his body, you can't control him and he interprets it as you not caring? HUH? He twisted your words completely and from what I have been reading, it seems like he does that with most everything you attempt to communicate.<P>If I were you I would become a broken record and just repeat yourself when he MISinterprets what you say. Oh and of course, use your calm, sweet, Plan A voice.<P>I think that he can't stand it if you sound the least bit independent and in control of your emotions... Otherwise, why would your crying and hurt feelings be a lovebuster for him? You are entitled to your feelings. He knows he is responsible for hurting you and that is, what I believe, he truly cannot handle. It's not your crying--it's WHY you are crying... He knows why.

I agree BDDT. It blows his mind when I'm in complete control of my emotions. Last night, or rather this morning, I was compared to what I used to do. H didn't come in until 4:30 this morning. I woke up at 3 and realized he wasn't there and was livid. I went back to sleep and when he came in I woke up again. He asked if I was okay and I said yes besides the fact that it's 4:30 in the morning. (H was supposed to go right up there and right back.) He said he was sorry that he was having to talk to bass player and a drummer. It was business only. He also had to wait an hour to sober up before driving home! I informed him that maybe he shouldn't drink when he knows he has to drive, huh? I just told him that I was worried about him and didn't know what was going on. He said that he didn't want to call and wake me or the kids in the middle of the night. He noticed what I was wearing and started telling me how good it looked on me and where did I get it from. I told him I don't remember; I had it before I met him. He sort of laughed and said, "You really want to beat my @ss, don't you?" I told him no, I was ready to beat his @ss at 3, now I was just glad I know my Jeep isn't impounded so I can go to work in the morning." He just said it was the same old, same old and I agreed with him. He then said well, I love you and that's all that matters (and added well at least it matters to me). I layed there for about five minutes and got up and went and changed into a t-shirt to sleep in. This morning I go out to go to work and have a FLAT TIRE. Asked H if he would help me change it and he did. Now I'm at work. I don't feel I should apologize for my behavior when he was the one in the wrong. I also don't want him using my Jeep if he's going to be driving drunk. ##@@@##$$^% is my opinion on it. How do I convey my feelings on this without causing a fight since yes he is twisting everything I say.

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Oh, is crying a LB? I never thought of it that way. It makes sense. When I cry in front of H, I'm always waiting for a hug from him or something from him and don't get it. Maybe it is a LB for him and it annoys him? I'll have to research that some more.<P>I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Hang in there kiddo.

Thanks DBS. How are you hanging in there? Thank goodness today is getting better. Tonight is Momma's Night. The kids are staying with Grandma and H has to play until about 4 in the morning. I'm going to sit around the house, leave the TV off, read a book, and probably read MB posts. Ah, peace, how wonderful! I can't wait.