It is imperative to plan A while preparing for plan B. In order for plan B to be effective, it should be started after a great job at plan A. It give the WS a dose of reality when they see what they are truly missing.<P>My H has had multiple PA's as well. 6 in total that I know of since we've been together... 3 of them since we married. I have no idea how many EA's... I don't think I would want to know either. He has admitted to me that he thinks he has a sexual addiction.. and he too, has this major concern over his penis size. <P>Although the Harley methods when followed carefully are considered to be the best chance at saving a marriage, they don't necessarily work when dealing with an addict. Dr. Harley says that the addiction must be worked on before any marriage building can occur. You have been doing a great job at Plan Aing your H, but even though he admits to his addictions (sexual and gambling), unless he does something about it (via counselling etc), all of your efforts have pretty much been in vain.<P>I think it is wonderful that you have the opportunity to go to your parents' place for 3 weeks with your dd. Maybe that trip will help you find more courage to know what it is you need to do.<P>I do hope that you understand that you are not the problem in your marriage right now. Your H has issues he needs to deal with. You have them too, and you are doing something about it. Kudos to you on that one! You can only do so much to help him. Most of it is up to him. Hopefully, your 3 weeks away will give him enough of a reality check that he will seek help on his own. But don't count on it either. I have found that it is always best to prepare for the worst... that way, whatever happens can be dealt with that much easier.<P>Karen<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by INTHECLOUDS320:<BR><B>Is it normal to be Plan Aing while planning Plan B? I am so confused at times. Part of me wants to stay and the other part wants to leave. H is so loving at times and such an @#%$#%^ at others. <P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IntheClouds,<P>Your story is so heartbreaking and I want you to know my heart goes out to you. <P>You ask about Plan A and Plan B as if you have decided there is a future to this relationship. Is that what you have decided? Do you think he will change? Is he committed to making a dramatic change? The reason I ask is that I think it would be devastating to get your hopes up in a hopeless situation and I am just wondering what has happened to make you think he will make such a dramatic change. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B>It is imperative to plan A while preparing for plan B. In order for plan B to be effective, it should be started after a great job at plan A. It give the WS a dose of reality when they see what they are truly missing.<P>My H has had multiple PA's as well. 6 in total that I know of since we've been together... 3 of them since we married. I have no idea how many EA's... I don't think I would want to know either. He has admitted to me that he thinks he has a sexual addiction.. and he too, has this major concern over his penis size. <P>Although the Harley methods when followed carefully are considered to be the best chance at saving a marriage, they don't necessarily work when dealing with an addict. Dr. Harley says that the addiction must be worked on before any marriage building can occur. You have been doing a great job at Plan Aing your H, but even though he admits to his addictions (sexual and gambling), unless he does something about it (via counselling etc), all of your efforts have pretty much been in vain.<P>I think it is wonderful that you have the opportunity to go to your parents' place for 3 weeks with your dd. Maybe that trip will help you find more courage to know what it is you need to do.<P>I do hope that you understand that you are not the problem in your marriage right now. Your H has issues he needs to deal with. You have them too, and you are doing something about it. Kudos to you on that one! You can only do so much to help him. Most of it is up to him. Hopefully, your 3 weeks away will give him enough of a reality check that he will seek help on his own. But don't count on it either. I have found that it is always best to prepare for the worst... that way, whatever happens can be dealt with that much easier.<P>Karen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you Karen. Yes, I think the 3 weeks are a good thing. Now I am confused though. I am not sure rather I should stay in contact with him other than letting him speak to our dd. I know he is going to be questioning me on what I am doing, if I have gone out, or things of that nature. He is already throwing me little hints now. Saying things like "you are probably going to see your man". It just makes me so mad. I try my best not to lb but he makes it so so sooooo very hard. The fear of what he will be doing while I am away scares me out of my skin, but I have to go.<P>You are so very right about his addictions. I have come to realize that we can't go any further until he can resolve his personal issues. His biggest issue being his penis size. I have even given him support on maybe a enlargement. I told him that I would not help pay for it out of my paycheck but that I'd go along with putting extra money away from his paycheck, refunds of any kind, extra duty pay allowances he gets, etc. so he can get it done.<P>It has been about a year now and the money has been there. He could have gotten it done months ago. I asked him why has he sabotaged it by gambling, writing bad checks, loaning money out, etc. He just says that he knows that I don't want him to get it done anyway. I told him that he can't use me for this one and that I'd rather he put the money towards this medical procedure than just giving it away to negative things. He hasn't brought the subject up again since. He chooses to keep putting money into his gambling habits instead.<P>I think that maybe I will try the no contact thing for a week and just have him talk with our dd. I just want to put some space between us to sort things out, but I am so scared . You know why, I'm sure. I'll keep you updated on how it goes. <P>I know that the only thing I can do is step back and let him figure this out for himself, but the urge to protect him and save him from his misery is so strong. I don't want him to get hurt or make such a mess of things that he can't get out of it. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel the need to "fix it"? I feel that I would be abandoning him or failing him as a wife if I don't do something. These feelings always backfire on me in the end cause he just expects it all the time now. It gives him the permission to keep doing what he does. I fix it and he does it again. I am tired. I don't want to do it anymore. <P>I will do my best to keep Plan Aing. This is so hard. My heart hurts..... <P> <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dana114:<BR><B> IntheClouds,<P>Your story is so heartbreaking and I want you to know my heart goes out to you. <P>You ask about Plan A and Plan B as if you have decided there is a future to this relationship. Is that what you have decided? Do you think he will change? Is he committed to making a dramatic change? The reason I ask is that I think it would be devastating to get your hopes up in a hopeless situation and I am just wondering what has happened to make you think he will make such a dramatic change. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The thing is, he has not made any dramatic changes. I don't even know for sure if the cheating has stopped, E or P. I know that I can't keep thinking such negative thoughts. Honestly, I don't think there is a future for us together cause I don't think he wants to change. I don't think my hopes are getting up but that maybe I see new light in my situation and that gives me hope for me not us. You know what I mean? <P>It is such a tragedy the way our marriage is ending up but my future is full of possibilities and that excites me and gives me the kind of hope I am feeling for myself. I also hope my H figures out what he needs for himself and finds the courage to go for it. I find myself having to be more of a friend to him now then a wife and it makes things easier for me to handle. It is helping me come to grips that space may be the only thing left. Now, I do hope that one day my H will come to his senses and out of the fog before it is to late. Although I love him beyond belief, I will not wait around forever. <P>So, if our marriage comes to an end but we remain friends out of all of all this, that is an accomplishment in itself. I find it hard though cause I want to be married. I want to keep our family intact. Things are just taking a different route. I may have to start over and that both excites me and scares me. It also makes me happy cause my H will get the opportunity to find what he is looking for. It may not be me, family life, and he may fall flat on his face, but he will find it. I just want him to be happy with or without me. I want the same for myself. It's the without me that hurts and scares me cause I know what he would be letting go of. Lord help me..... Thanks Dana

I, too am in a relationship with a serial cheater.<P>My SO has seen porstitutes - before we got together and during our 2+ years together.<P>I am wondering if anyone has any advice for me - someone who has lived through it?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Conflicted & Confused:<BR><B>I, too am in a relationship with a serial cheater.<P>My SO has seen porstitutes - before we got together and during our 2+ years together.<P>I am wondering if anyone has any advice for me - someone who has lived through it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H also went to what they call "the red light district" where there is nothing but a variety of prostitutes. Variety meaning women of all races. The way he explained it to me is that there were different levels. On each floor was different races. He chose and you can imagine the rest.<P>This was a ritual for him and his friends on the weekends. So, while I was up pacing the floor crying wondering if he was okay at 6am, 7am, and 8am in the morning, he was out doing this or sleeping with the flavor of the month. <P>When he told me this, it went straight through my heart. I had this sick feeling in my stomach and all I wanted to do was stomp him into the ground. I don't know how I lasted this long with him and why I still consider staying. What helped me stick it out without going nuts is that I was determined to do everything I could to make it work. I could atleast walk away with the fact that atleast I tried my d*****t. He could not use that against me. <P>The fact that I didn't work at the time didn't help either. I had no money, no goals, and no stability. It made me look at myself and realize that I lost myself. So, I focused on these things and took the first step. One day at a time I took my life back. The story goes on and I am still here! I survived the blunt of it all and I know that I will be okay. <P>Some women would probably feel better not knowing, but I have gotten wiser and stronger from it. I am still with him and our "issues" go on, but I see another way. I found that there is another door that is there when I am ready, if it comes to that, and I am prepared. It keeps me going as well as my beautiful daughter <P>You also have to look ahead. If you keep looking back you will explode. If you push too far ahead too, your in denial. Just stop, stand still, and focus. Grieve. Then move onto the next "issue". Only you can control you. You have to decide if you want to forgive him of this. If you can then you have to act accordingly. It is hard not to LB, but you will have to hold your tongue.(Get a journal ).<P>I know you are hurting and feeling inadequit, but just know that it is NOT you. I am so sorry he hurt you. You will be okay. Hugs for you and hang in there. Take care C&C. Clouds<BR>

My goodness! What is it? Your opinions or comments please.<P>I am at home visiting my family with my daughter for a few weeks. My H decided he didn't want to come with us. We are over 10,000 miles apart from each other. <P>I left messages and called his cellphone. After 2 days he decides he will call. He gave me some bull about not hearing his phone or checking the answering machine. It is so funny cause at home, everytime we walk through the door and the answering machine is blinking, he is the first one to get to it to see who called. This only tells me that he probably wasn't at home. He denies it, of course.<P>Anyways, I just told him that I was not going to get into it. I just would like for him to call and let me know that he is not going to be home or he is going out so I won't waste a call and money. Then if he could be so kind as to return my calls and not after 2 days. My H's says to me, "I shouldn't have to call you everyday. Why do I have to call you everyday?" <P>I looked at the phone for a couple seconds and wanted to reach through it to slap him. I could not believe he actually asked that. So, I got back on the phone and said, "because I am your wife and I would appreciate if my H called me so I don't worry about him, or so that I could explain to our daughter that you are not home and where you may be if she asks. Because, that is what H's and W's are suppose to do." He then says, "well, that's your beliefs." I had to get off the phone immediately cause more than that wanted to come out. So, I did.<P>That is it, I thought. This man will never get it. This man will never come out of the fog. He likes it there. All I can do is thank God for the space between us right now. Am I wrong? My H and I have 0 trust between us. Don't we have to start somewhere? It is really hurting me that he is taking advantage of me being gone. All I can think is, he is cheating on me again. I am really hating and resenting him right now. I just want to say FORGET(in another word, of course) it and go on as if he doesn't exist. LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH!!

Been enjoying my time away from H. Went to see my bestfriend. Turns out she is going through alot of marital drama too. <P>Problem is, she suspects that he is cheating. The whole time down there, she focused only on his cheating and put the blame on the other women. She got into with two different women over this man. Not once did she focus any blame on him. What is this about?<P>I have my own issues, but I have taken time out, I guess, to console her. They got into a altercation while we were visiting. The cops were called, her H took his ring off and said he wanted a divorce, then he took both house keys, jumped in HER car w/ the baby's carseat, and left. The next day he comes to the house to get some things. She tried to talk to him and get information from him about what happened that night, but he gave none. <P>The night involved another woman being in the bathroom with him while he was taking a shower. MY sister and a few of the kids were in the house too. There are two versions to what happened. One from my sister 27 and the other from one of the kids, 10. My sister says they were in the bathroom together and the kid says they weren't. My sister came out and said that she was ready to go. My GF asks what happened. She goes to her husband, who says nothing, then goes to the girl that was allegedly in the bathroom with him and all h**l broke loose. <P>My GF talks to the 10 year old kid the next day to see what he saw. The kid says that he didn't see them in the bathroom together. My sister says that the girl was in the bathroom for atleast 15 minutes talking with someone. Now my friend, GF(girlfriend, is second guessing everything. She is thinking she threw her marriage away over nothing. This man physically and emotionally abuses her. The PHYSICAL abuse is enough for me. So what if everything that happened one particular night was a misunderstanding. HE HITS YOU! Now she wants to blame herself. She thinks she deserves the abuse. I could not believe my ears. <P>She has been wanting out for so long. She says that for financial reasons she can't leave. She is feeling alone and confused. I don't know really what to say to her because of what I am going through. I have no room to talk. I did give her one of my books and I told her about this site. She says she registered. I just hope she uses this site because you all are so helpful and you are on the outside looking in. If she post, PLEASE HELP! <P>I cannot down her H cause she gets to defensive and starts to protect him. I just don't know what I can tell her to make her open her eyes and examine her situation. I am trying to get her to see that him leaving may be the best thing and this is her chance. Her family is backing her up too. He needs help and staying with him right now is going to do more damage than good. <P>She is so afraid that he won't help her financially with the kids(1 and 5) or with all the bills they accumulated. Mind you everything is in her name cause his credit is bad. He was married before and has 2 kids from that marriage and one from an affair he had with his first wife. So, there are 5 children involved. My GF is worried that her kids will not get anything because of the other 3.<BR>That is all she if focusing on.<P>She does not acknowledge the abuse. She says, "I can't live without him financially. I need his paycheck. I want my marriage to work so bad. I love him so much. He loves his kids so much. My kids love him so much. I want out but I don't know how. I can't afford it." <P>What do I say to her? This is not a good situation to be in. This man she married needs help. She is trying to buy his love and it is ruining her. Everything is threatened and she feels it is all her responsibility. She pays the child support for the other 3 kids. They come to visit and he goes out to the club or to see friends and leaves her home with all kids. The list goes on. She insist that he is good man and that he treats her good.(?????) I just say to her, "okay, I like him but not the things he does." I really want to say otherwise. <P>How do I make her see that seperation may be the best thing right now? That is my opinion. Any others. Should I stay out of it? HELP!<P>Clouds