Thankyou Paint.<P>H & I talked today about a separation...he can't take the LBing anymore. I can't "forget". What I keep telling him is that he has had 13 years to "think" about his A's. I've only had 6 months & 2+ of them I was so drugged up I didn't think about anything.<P>Your story is horrible...I cried. I too "almost" had an abortion when I was expecting our 3rd child...I just didn't feel like my H really loved me & I couldn't bear the thought of bringing a child into such a messed up marriage (deep inside I wanted him to say he loved me& wanted another child etc etc) He however just went along with the abortion decision...right up to walking in the clinic...Luckliy I couldn't go thru it.<P>I am lucky that my freinds & family support me....I believe this is because they truly know how much I love my husband. But I do wonder often..What is it that I love?<BR>A dream ? Faded memories? I certainly don't love the betrayal.<P>God Bless. Are you happier now in the states ??<P>

I just read the posts in this thread and had to add my 2 cents worth. PaintBox, what a story! I thought my story was bad, but nothing compared to what you went through. My H and I have been married for 14 years, and I moved here from India 5 years ago. He has been having an EA/PA for the past 6 months (to my knowledge) with his childhood sweetheart. He was the last person I ever expected to do this. In fact, all our friends always envied me 'cause H was so caring. I used to tease him about the fan club he had. All the women held him up as an example to their husbands. Look at him, he shares the work at home, he loves his W so much, why can't you be more like him etc. etc. Being an Indian male, it was very surprising to everyone that he cooked, and did dishes and laundry. Both of us work and have busy careers. We do have family here in the States. Only his brother knows and he keeps asking me why I could not see that H was unhappy. I've tried telling him so many times that I was clueless because H acted perfectly normal through all this. It doesn't help that there is no support from H's brother. <BR>We could not have children, and I don't know if that is good or bad. It is good that a child will not be subjected to the pain, but in a selfish way, I feel I have nothing and nobody to fall back on. None of MY family knows. (If things work out, I don't want them to know that H did this) and I can't just go home to my parents. They are thousands of miles away. I guess I am scared of letting them or my sister (who lives in the States) know. I feel like such a failure. I don't know of any Indian who is divorced. I keep thinking of what everyone will say. Will they think it is all my fault? How can I go to social gatherings and be the only one without a spouse? We came here as a couple, and I don’t have any single friends. I am facing a very lonely future.<BR>I've been told the same things, as you Louser - that I am a successful career woman, am strong and can deal with this. How can anyone say that? Only someone who is going through the pain can understand how devastating it can be. You talk about being suicidal. I went through panic attacks for a year and a half and just got off Paxil when he told me the news. My parents and his parents visited with us to be there for me and help me get off my medication. I was so elated that I could stop my medication and not feel panic anymore, and then this. He could have told me when the family was here, but I guess the spiritual oneness with the OW does not extend to courage.<BR>Please hang in there. Didn’t mean to take up so much space. Just wanted to share, to let you know that we all understand. I didn’t post much either, but I think I will from now on.<BR>

Hi Wanna Be:<P>I feel for you. I was some what lucky that I found out about the A's after they were over.<P>Are you sure your H is in an A ?<P>Have you talked about it ? Why does his brother say he is unhappy ?<P>Please post, it helps.

I only found out because my H told me. We had an argument on our return flight from visiting his brother's family and he was very distant throughout the flight. He apologized later and that night, we were just going to sleep when he told me that he had been unhappy for the last 4 years. We talked a little and things seemed to be OK. But I was thinking about it the next day and something did not feel right. That evening I raised that topic again and he said that the marriage was not working and he did not know if he wanted to make the effort anymore! I was devastated. I asked him why he didn't say anything all these years. He said he never found the right time to say it! First I was in school getting my masters, then I was in a new job, then I went through the panic...<BR> <BR>I asked him if there was someone else, and he denied it at first. Then he mentioned her name. He had talked about her once when we were newly married. I had asked him if there were any romances in his past and didn't take it to seriously when he told me about this lady. I mean, it was in the past and he married me, right? Why would I think that he still loved her? <P>Any way, he said that he had been thinking about his childhood sweetheart and wondering how she was. He searched on the web and found her parents address, contacted them and found out that she was single and came home weekends. So called the following weekend and had been in touch since. This was in March. He went to India in April and met with her. He denied having any physical relations with her at first. But a week after he told me about her, I found a letter that she had written to him. It was the worst moment of my life. I found out the true meaning of the word - heart wrenching! She scolded him for telling me about her, said she was glad that he had with held the fact that they had slept together and enjoyed the experience, that he should not send her any more money if he couldn't afford it, that they would look back and laugh together about these experiences once he was divorced and they were married, that she wanted him to take her on a cruise and so on.<P>Believe me, that is not the way you want to find out. But for him, once the initial guilt was over, it was almost like he was cheating on her by being with me. He travels a lot on work, and he has been gone for 4 weeks now. He was in India and then went to another country and is there now. He told me he met with the OW again, but it was at her parent’s home and the only time they were together was when she walked him to his car. She told him to make up his mind and contact her only when he is single. He said she acted like nothing at all had happened. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I might be one of the few who doesn't hate the OW. I truly don't. She is single, lonely and here comes this man from her past swearing undying love. Maybe I would have welcomed him with open arms as well. My H is truly a good man. I think he is going through a mid life crisis. I'm hoping that he will come out of the fog. If he can't, then I do have to face the fact and deal with it. Some days, like today, are good. I can be logical about it. Other days I spend crying my heart out asking God - why me? What did I do to deserve this? <P>One of my collegues sent out a quote that keeps me from going under. Here it is. <P>What is in a cocoon?<P>A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.<BR>One day a small opening appeared.<BR>He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.<BR>Then it seemed to stop making any progress.<BR>It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.<BR>So the man decided to help the butterfly<BR>He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.<BR>The butterfly then emerged easily.<P>But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.<BR>The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.<P>Neither happened!<BR>In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.<BR>It never was able to fly.<P>What the man, in his misguided kindness and haste, did not understand was, that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening, were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.<P>Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives.<BR>If we were to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.<BR>We would not be as strong as what we could have been.<BR>We could never fly!<P>I asked for Strength.........<BR>And was given<BR>Difficulties to make me strong.<P>I asked for Wisdom.........<BR>And was given<BR>Problems to solve.<P>I asked for Prosperity.........<BR>And was given<BR>An intelligent mind and stamina to work.<P>I asked for Courage.........<BR>And was given<BR>Danger to overcome.<P>I asked for Love........<BR>Ad was given<BR>People who counted on me.<P>I asked for Favors.........<BR>And was given<BR>Opportunities.<P>It seemed I received nothing I wanted........<BR>Yet everything I needed!<P>May your path be bright and full of light everywhere you go.<BR>And, may your feet never stumble out of the Divine Plan.<BR>May the desires of your heart come true, <BR>And may you experience Peace in everything you do.<BR>May Goodness, Kindness, and Compassion come your way<BR>And, may you gain Wisdom and grow in your heart and spirit every day.<P>Louser, you have ‘People who count on you’. Keep that in mind and don’t ever give up. Thank you so much for responding to me. It makes me feel like I’m not alone! <BR>It does help a lot to let it out doesn’t it? Hope I didn’t bore all of you to tears. <P>I'm going home now, but will be back in a an hour or so to work. Keep in touch. I'll check back with you soon.

louser,<BR>I just want you to know that I feel your feelings - lonely, like no one cares. Maybe today is just a down day. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. I shouldn't say "no one" because there are a few - that's been going on for a while - <P>Getting through EA/PA's is a true test of life. I am sorry you had to feel like ending your life - the thing I feel is getting out of here to find someone else to love me like I am suppose to be loved. I tell him all I ever wanted was someone to love me - and look where I am now. Sorry for the pity party.<P>I am sorry for the things you are going through - focus on your love for your children. All I can say is I don't know why we have to go through this - why can't our lives be happy. All we wanted was someone to share our days and children with - and look what we got.<P>My prayers for you, aftershock<P>

That quote was prefect.<P>My own person favorite is "Everything happens for a reason"<P>I guess I've always thought that meant A "good" reason, but I figure it can be a "bad" one too.<P>How is everyone doing today ?

Hi Louser,<BR>Sorry I did not post for a couple of days. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my marriage may not last. H has made further contact with the OW. I have told family three days ago and am really tired now. I feel like I can't think or cry or do anything any more. My family has been incredibly supportive. That helps. <BR>More later, if I hear from any one.