H and I had another one of our talks last night. The end result being that I think I got my closure on OW#1! Woohoo!!! She is no longer in power over me like she had been (my doing all along, I know).<P>For those who may not know, H and I are in recovery (for over 3 months now), and things are going very well. OW#1 had been a friend of mine for over 2 yrs prior to the EA and eventual PA with my H.<P>The two of them had been stupid enough to share their 'love tryst' in a 'Today's Parent' forum back in March. When I had found out about it, I exposed them on that same forum. Poor OW#1 lost a LOT of friends from on there. BOOHOO!!<P>I got a LOT of support from the people on there. In most cases, they just wanted to know the 'gossip' firsthand, but in some cases, I was truly helped by some ladies who were there to listen to my venting and help me through it (one of those women told me about MB, and I am forever grateful to her).<P>OW#1 and her H were hoping to adopt a child. They can't have children of their own (their dd - aka little brat - was thanks to a sperm bank; and they didn't want to go through that process again).<P>I had been so apphauled to find out that this woman (if she deserves to be called that) wanted to bring an innocent child into her horrible life. She already has people paying her to look after their children during the day, and that's bad enough (to me). NOT a good role model, you know?<P>Anyways, one of the gals who was helping me online, just so happened to have a friend who was close friends with OW#1's case worker for the adoption agency (you got that? grin). She had encouraged me to rat on OW#1, but I didn't know how to go about it, nor did I want to take the time to do so on my own. <P>As it turned out, this friend of mine requested that I forward her the emails I had copies of (that were between my H and the whore), and she in turn would pass them on to her friend, who would give them to the worker. I did so without a problem, and I told her that she could give my name, address, and phone number to the worker too, in case she wanted any more information.<P>I hadn't heard anymore about it all, until last night, when it came up in conversation with H. It turns out that the worker DID confront OW#1 on it. And from what I understand, their application for adoption was turned down b/c of it. (WOOHOO!!!). When it had originally happened, OW#1 assumed I had personally called the worker (I don't even know how I would start to get info on adoption agencies in town). And her H had wanted to sue me for defermation (sp?) of character!!! Oh how I wish they had!!! (b/c H told me that he would have admitted to a court, just as he admitted to me, that yes, he and OW#1 were involved romantically and physically with each other).<P>How is this closure for me? OW#1 has been hurt drastically by this whole mess... and I know it! Finally! "Revenge is sweet" is (unfortunately?) something I live for. Thankfully, I think I've at least learned how to do it in a 'legal' way. The way I see it, she now knows that she should NEVER have done anything to hurt me. That WENCH!!!<P>I figure I will always have ill feelings (to say the least) towards OW#1. But now, when I do think about her, a little smirk comes across my face, knowing that she got her just desserts! WOOHOO!!!<P>Thanks for listening! <P>Karen<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B><BR>How is this closure for me? OW#1 has been hurt drastically by this whole mess... and I know it! Finally! "Revenge is sweet" is (unfortunately?) something I live for. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, Karen... I don't know your story, but it sure sounds like there are lots of anger issues you still need to deal with... Why are you so happy that someone was "drastically hurt" by your actions?? <P>AGG

It wasn't MY actions that hurt her. It was my REaction to HER action. <P>True, I am NOT the better person here for actually enjoying the fact that she suffered a loss. But look at the bigger picture here. Because of the fact that I forwarded those emails, an innocent child is not being subjected to a messed up home. What kind of 'loving' environment would they have been in? <P>The kids always come first to me, especially in A situations (now that I"m all too familiar with the consequences... sigh!).<P>And as far as other anger issues I'm dealing with (please do NOT read this in a rude tone): I am dealing with the passing of our son, Andrew. Sept 11th will mark the one year anniversary (and we never knew what happened, just that he passed away in his sleep.. there's no closure there). Someone else on here remarked to me that I was focusing a lot of my anger from that situation towards OW#1, which is probably true. <P>Instead of using the phrase 'revenge is sweet', perhaps it is more fitting to say that I believe in 'an eye for an eye'. I consider my feelings to be natural human instinct. Animalistic? Perhaps. Satisfying? You bet! <P>Karen<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Topie25 (edited September 04, 2001).]

Karen......<P>You are hurting no one by your "revenge".<P>Life it seems has dealt you a terrible lot & you deserve to feel good.<P>The OW does not deserve the title of "mother". You do.<BR>And you can wear it proudly.<P>I have thought hard about the 4 OW in H's life. I don't think it's at all fair that they can live totally happy, quilt free lives after detroying mine & my childrens.<P>I find myself wishing that they all get cheated on & never have the ability to have children...And realize that my H didn't stay with them because he "couldn't" but because he didn't "want" to.<P>Lisa

Karen,<P>I think I have to side with you on the children issue. I don't know how long ago OW was involved with your H or if OW's H knows about A, but I think they should get their marriage streightend out before involving children. <P>This is one thing that angers me about my situation, I was suspicious of my W, but didn't know for sure about the A She became pregnant with my daughter not even a year after her A with OM. I actually suspected my daughter to be OM's, now I know the A was long over before the pregnancy. My point is, My W brought another child into a marriage that had an unsure future, because there were many problems about the A even though I didn't know for sure, and she wasn't telling me. She knew things might change if I had found out, and she still kept the secrete knowing the child might be affected in the future. I almost think she was happy because I would have more reason to stay when or if I did find out.<P>This OW will have an oportunity to adopt in the future if she continues to try, this is just a delay. If this helps you, then I say good for you. You may have done it out of revenge, but I think the child that may have been adopted will benefit, at least until they repair their marriage. E

Louser,<P>I'm glad to see your still here. I was planning to post to your thread but I was a little late and figured everyone else said what needed to be said. Stick around, your just as important as everyone else here, we all have disagreements. You have a right to your opinion, but everyone else does to so don't let it get you down.

wow, I can understand your need to punish the OW but what about her husband? Do you think, as a BS yourself, that HE deserved the pain you just inflicted on HIM in order to get back at OW#1? Most of the time, BS are innocent victims of a WS's affair so why do that to HIM? Your Husband was involved in the affair too, right? Do you think he is any less capable of being a good parent because of it? Do you think that he is not morally fit to be a parent? Then why apply that to the OW and her wish to adopt a child? Don't get me wrong? I glad for you that you find joy in her pain, but I'm just saying what about her innocent Husband's pain? I just wish you could have found another way to get back at ONLY the OW.

Topie,<P>I hardly see that you did anything to defame her since you only sent the email she her self wrote. That is the problem with writing such things, even in email. One never knows when they will resurface. And you did not hurt her. <P>You stopped her from doing something wrong. It is wrong to adopt a child when the marriage is rocky. Part of the home study and investigation for adoption is to evaluate how solid the marriage is because they do not want the child jack around anymore then need be.<P>Your anger is understandable. All of the pain she helped bring to your life. Then you loose your child on top of it all. So you have some anger.. who would not?<P>Most of all, you are right that she has not business adopting a child. What a mess to bring a child into. Especially when there are so many people willing to adopt. When we adopted our son 12 years ago, there were 60 parents for every infant available for adoption. Actually it is almost impossible to adopt children under the age of 7 anymore because there are so many parents who want them. So a couple with a failing marriage is not needed to "save a child". I too am more concerned about the child then I am about OW#1 and her husband. <P>You may have saved some poor child from being placed in a rocky home. That is a good thing. That it hurt OW#1 is just a side affect that you can enjoy.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

double trouble:<P>For the most part, I forwarded those emails to save a child from being in that environment. <P>As far as her H goes, I had confronted him on the A, and he wouldn't believe me (she got him believing that those emails were done as a joke on me to keep me from snooping in my H's stuff). If he chooses to stay so blind, then all I do is pity him.<P>But then again, did you notice that they didn't sue me for defermation (sp?) of character? My guess, is that OW#1 talked her H out of it, knowing damn well that the truth always comes out in the end.<P>Call me a snob if you will, but I don't have time for people like him... who refuse to see all sides. I don't feel bad for him not having the opportunity at this time to have another child in the house. Be it judgemental on my part, but I know that he doesn't do much for the child he does have there, why would things change for another one? (this knowledge comes from his W.. after all, we were good friends.. we talked a LOT about our hubbies).<P>Karen

I guess I am having a hard time understanding how anyone thinks that what Topie did is bad? She did nothing except protect an innocent child from ending up in a situation where this OW (and I too could use an expletive here), could end up hurting her H and an innocent child in the long run!! Yes, her reaction to the OW actions speaks of "getting even", but she did so in a civil way and protected a child from entering into a situation, that unless big changes are made, could ultimately hurt that child and her H if she left them high and dry with another A. <P>I believe she took the "high road" in that she did not set out to deliberately hurt this OW, and, by the way, has given her ample opportunity to give up, back off, and leave her H alone!<P>I take my hat off to you Topie!! Well done!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart<BR>

I agree I think she would be pretty stupid to let her husband try to sue for defamation of character. It's funny but we JUST discussed torts and especially intentional torts, 1 being defamation, in my Business Law class today. those cases are pretty hard to persue, but easy to defend. Especially when the defense is the TRUTH. I'm sorry I didn't know all the circumstances surrounding your situation, I just read this post and it seemed as if another BS was being hurt. My Bad. If you look on the pregnancy/child board, you will see my story. It's under the "need advise about a sticky situation" post. That's why this adoption thing kinda struck a chord with me.

Topie25 you have every rason to rejoice in what has occured in your situation. Bottom line is OW did this to herself. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. If her H was to blind to see the truth then that's his problem not yours. An innocent child was spared getting adopted by a family (or mother)that is messed up morally. She was suppose to be your friend the one you shared your feelings and emotions about your family with. She obviously did not care about your friendship or your children when she was having an A with your H. I have no sympathy for a person like that. <BR>cybil

Karen,<P>I must be a truly evil person, as I am smiling big time over you story.

Topie, you did the right thing.

Topie<P>If you don't think this OW deserves to be a mother, could you say the same about your WS not deserving to be the father to your children. Just a thought here but whatever makes you happy...<P><BR>

I think that is a no-brainer - it is not possible to be a good parent if you think lying to your spouse or cheating on him/her is acceptable - and apparently the OW in this case is still lying to her H.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by double trouble:<BR><B>wow, I can understand your need to punish the OW but what about her husband? Do you think, as a BS yourself, that HE deserved the pain you just inflicted on HIM in order to get back at OW#1? Most of the time, BS are innocent victims of a WS's affair so why do that to HIM? .</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are missing the point here and blaming the wrong party. Karen did not "punish" either of them - the OW did that when she had the affair. The OW is suffering the consequences of her own behavior. All Karen did was to expose the TRUTH - thier problem is with the TRUTH, not with Karen. It's sad the the OW's husband has to suffer because of that, but he is not the victim of KAREN, but of his own wife. Consequences are hell, huh?

painforever: there is a difference here. At the present moment, OW is attempting to adopt and she obviously (at this time) isn't a fit person. She is trying to bring and expose a child to an unhealthy household. What kind of influence do you think that this OW would have on this child?<P>It is unfair to compare Topie's H of being a fit father, to OW trying to be a mother & adopting a child. I'm sure that when Topie & her H brought their child/children into the world, it was under different circumstances.<P>This particular OW has no business attempting to assume responsibility of a fragile child and bringing this child to live in her household when she can't even get her act together.<p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited September 04, 2001).]

I agree with survivor. Topie isn't trying to bring a child into their marriag. Besides, her H seems to be more honest and I'm not sure but I think he is trying to make things right in the marriage? It sounds like OW will not fess up to her A, and is still decieving her H. A child doesn't need to be brought into a situation like that, until the marriage is healthy again. <P>Just as I said in my earlier post, My W became pregnant not even a year after her A, and she knew that if I learned of the truth the marriage might not survive. Well, I know now, and were working on our M, and I'm thankful we have our daughter, but what would have happened if we ended in D? My daughter would have been brought up in a broken family that was doomed before she was born, would that have been fair to her. <P>My W was selfish for having the A, she was selfish for not telling me, and she was selfish for choosing to get pregnant while she knew our marriage might not survive.

Hmmm... it looks like I started a bit of a mini war here. But it is fantastic to see the different viewpoints.<P>As far as the comment on my H not being a good parent right now (or at least during the time of his A's), I can't argue with that one. He was confused, didn't know why, but is working with me in fixing the problems. I wanted to keep my kids away from him during that time (they had no say in it all, not even talking yet). But I chose to be the bigger person and allow H to spend time with them. I had to look at things in the long term. And I sure as hell wasn't going to have my kids resent ME years later. I know/knew they'd be raised intelligently, and would figure things out on their own. There was no need for me to make those type of decisions for them.<P>Although he still doesn't understand the concept of an EA being an affair, he was getting into those for over a year prior to the big blow up which resulted in me kicking him out of the house (however I didn't find out about them until after kicking him out). I have to at least give him credit for not having sexual relations (physically) until he was no longer in the house. As many on here have mentioned before, it would be better for the WS to leave the marriage first before getting involved with another person. I know the bond with OW#1 became much stronger once she knew that he wanted out anyways.<P>But yes, the kids did suffer. So why add another child into an already messy situation?<P>And yes, to the best of my knowledge, she has never admitted to the A to anyone. I find it so sad that she couldn't even admit it to me, even after my H fessed up upon my confrontation. <P>Like all BS's on here (and WS's too of course!) we have a LOT of issues to deal with. In regards to my anger towards OW#1, well, that is truly more pity than anything now. I only hope that finding out what the results of my reactions were, will really help me to let go.<P>Oh, and btw, I had forwarded those emails back in late April or early May sometime, yet only found out about the result on Monday night (H would have told me about it sooner, but it never actually came up in our conversations). It took about 4 months to know the outcome, but well worth the wait IMO! <P>Karen<BR>