It does GG, thanks.<P>I'm coming to that realization. <BR>I'm responsible for my feelings, and I may as well choose to make them good ones as opposed to angry ones.<P>I wanted to post this, because I'm also realizing that none of us are as unique as we think. I guess I hope that someone else will see the same things you do (similarities) and be able to understand their WS or use this knowledge to react to situations if they see these signs in their WS.<P>Thanks!<P>

This is where you and my WH differ, Lexx.<P>He would actually say he "GAVE" until he could give no more...and as I think back on our years...I understand that he gave as much as he could and that it was never good enough for me...<P>NEVERTHELESS...I was expected to do it all...I made the main income for our family...I arranged all the kids things...I paid the bills...I figured out the housecleaning stuff...vacations...and I spiralled into anger and depression...while H has spent the last 5 years 'going' to school and getting a teaching credential...<P>I now find out that <I>he never wanted to be married </I> and, IMHO, that has kept him from fully committing to being a husband...so while I kept getting angry and frustrated and was inappropriate in showing that anger...he became angry and frustrated that he wasn't good enough (because he didn't really want to be) and I rubbed it in...that was our vicious circle.<P>So my question to him is ... so do we pack it all in? He became extremely angry this weekend when he thought (mistakenly) that I had gone on a weekend with someone else...that surprised him...he thought he would feel relief...he has clung to me these past few days and showed me affection I haven't seen in months...maybe years...<P>Now I am in deep thought...I am not angry...just very sad...<P>Cali

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>A couple years ago was when I experienced the "giver-snap" that Steve Hurley talks about.<P>My taker came out to the extreme! <P>In that letter, H said he was going to step up to the plate and be a real part of the family. So at that time I took a new job -- high pressure, big money, lots of travel and hours. <BR>I thought "Let him prove it, let him really understand what I am talking about, let him manage the family the way I have all these years"<P>And guess what happened? (and it has nothing to do with the A....)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Everyone in the world thought he was the most wonderful perfect man in the UNIVERSE. <BR>All the women thought he was sooooo great, and I was sooooo lucky.<BR>All the men told him he was crazy to "allow" me to travel like I did.<P>Can you even imagine feeling the way I was feeling and have everyone I knew talk about how GREAT he was??? It made me even MORE angry.<P>(Steve Harley actually cringed when he heard about all of this...lol)<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited September 05, 2001).]

Lexxxy, your words remind me so much of the words I heard from my W... So perhaps I can give you a glimpse into the future...<P>Leaving your H is not going to make you happy... Continuing with the OM is not going to make you happy... You <B>know</B> that this is so, but you are unable or unwilling to commit to the marriage or to give up the OM. I understand the feelings of anger and past hurts that are making it so hard for you to commit...<P>Lexxx, you are looking at a window of opportunity right now; the window where your H is Plan A'ing his butt off, and if you only made a small effort, you two would probably be able to recover. But if you wait until he gives up hope, the chances of recovery will be almost nil.<P>My W decided to move out and pursue the OM... Now, six months later, she decided that she loves me, that I'm a wonderful husband, the OM is a moron, blah blah blah... But after my Plan B, I really don't think it's possible to recover.. Maybe now I am in withdrawal.<P>So all I'm saying is that now is your chance to resolve the anger, to let go of resentment, and to work on the marriage... His Plan A won't last forever; he will get burned out and then it will probably be too late...<P>Lexxxy, you seem like a reasonable and logical lady... I can understand your anger and resentment... I'm just urging you to take advantage of the present opportunity, which does not rest in the arms of the OM... Please think about it.<P>AGG

Lexxy,<P>My A was pretty much the same as yours. I felt like my H was not there for me, not meeting any needs and that he wouldn't change so why bother. And I was extremely angry.<BR>There were many things that happened in our family that helped with the anger, but the way the H responded or his lack of response was the real underlying factor. And I finally quit trying with him. I just figured I chuck it all and walk away and start over with someone else. Someone who understood me and wanted to meet my needs.<BR>But that didn't do anything to resolve that anger in me.<P>Even after dday, I didnt' give up the OM. Even while my H and I were going to counseling, I didn't give up the OM.<BR>And for the first 5 months my H was plan A'ing his butt off, I didn't give up the OM. I just couldn't. I wouldn't believe that what I saw in my H was true or would last.<BR>And I didn't want to give him a chance to prove himself to me. I had given him every opportunity for years, but nothing changed. And now only after the discovery of an A, did he truly seek to change. But I also realized that hanging on that all that anger would only make me a bitter person inside. And it would spill out into other areas if I didn't do something about it. I sought out counsel again, but this time to resolve the anger. And in order to see if my H was really who he seemed to be now, I made the choice to give up the OM completely and sent the no contact letter which the OM honored. Part of me hoped he wouldn't honor it, but I knew him so well, that I knew he would.<BR>And I chose to believe what I saw in my H. And he is the most amazing man. He is what I see. He never brings up the A or the OM. If I need to vent, he lets me. He says that was the biggest wake up call of his life and the most important one. He apologizes for failing me.<P>And I allowed my anger and bitterness towards him to evaporate. I know I was only able to do this by the grace of God. I believe it was God who allowed me to find the strengh the stay in my marriage and make it work.<P>But I do know that anger will destroy you inside and out.<BR>And will eventually invade every area of your life.<P>Lexxy, I hope that if you have any feelings of love left for your husband you will give yourself permission to stop being angry and to see if you can't work things out.<P>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes