dumplin,<P>Perhaps I am having a knee jerk reaction, but I would not want him chatting period. I'm trying to convince my H that we need to spend more time together as a family doing more physical activities and not spending so much time in front of this glowing box. <P>We both really enjoy reading and I think that is what draws us both to the net is our desire for news, information, support and interaction. But if the net is causing such a strain in your marriage, then why put him in a situation where he can be tempted. It's way too easy to hop from the sporting room to the married and looking rooms.<P>Bluebird, who thinks someone cloned one of our husbands at birth.

Postscript.... While I have never been in the kind of chat rooms you are having trouble with, I am aware they exist. And I have BRIEFLY visited some (out of curiosity, never wrote anything). My reactions are twofold, on one hand the pure instinctual response is a kind of interest, the notion of having sex (and that is what this is) with a real live willing STRANGER, who will do anything I want (in a fantasy sense) is powerful, sort of like the rumble of an earthquake, not much necessarily happens, but the earth moving, even a little, evokes a notion of massive forces at work. Humans are drawn to such power, like moths to a flame. BUT, another part of me went berserk, screaming at the top of my lungs, this is incredibly dangerous, DON'T DO IT. Sort of like having someone knocking on your door. A nice well-dressed stranger with impeccable speech. Who in one hand has a huge wad of money, and in the other hand a small plain wrapped package. The stranger says, all this can be yours (the money) if you will do one little thing for me....take this package across the street to that house, and give it to whoever answers the door. That's all you have to do. <P>You think wow, what a deal, and I am not really doing anything wrong...... but part of you knows, if you do this, your life (as it is now) is over. Some will slam the door in the strangers face, others will quickly say give me the money, and you got anymore jobs (the unworthy ones).....others will say (the weak ones), hmmm I dunno, maybe, and ask a lot of questions..... they are doomed, but if they are lucky, very very lucky, their spouse will come to the door, go berserk, and slam the door shut. If they are very very stupid they will push the spouse away, and open the door again. This time if they are realllllllly lucky, their spouse limps back, and hits em in the head with a baseball bat, and drags em to a rehab center for the chronically stupid. If they call the number on the card the stranger slipped em, and they are incredibly lucky, their spouse dumps em, so at least they have only destroyed their own life. Their spouse will survive, sadder, but wiser, and knowing they did all they could, just made a bad choice in marriage material..... anyways that is how I see it.

Thanks to all of you for your posts. I'm trying to get him to go to a "monitored" chat room outside of Yahoo. He goes online to chat when I'm at work and after I've went to bed. He is used to staying up late and I have to get up in the mornings. I have looked at some of the sites I've found and checked them out before I've refered him to them. I know that could be considered treating him like a child, but that's the best thing I know to do. His biggest thing is he needs human interaction and my hope is I can give him that without all the sexual crap involved. I have only found a couple of sites though. <P>My opinion of Yahoo is that it should be blown off the internet. I don't think I've ever heard anyone (except my H and my brother who is single and does the same thing) say anything good about Yahoo.<P>I'm not going to give up on this and let H told me, "Don't back down" (sarcastically of course). It makes me where I don't want to have anything to do with him because of what he does. I'm disgusted by his actions.<P>I see I've hit on a hot topic though. It seems that many people have had dealings with this (and alot of them are with YaaFreakingHoo).<P>Thanks for all the advice. SNL, I'm still going to print out your reply and leave it laying around for H to "find".<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Sorry posted twice.<p>[This message has been edited by thinker (edited September 07, 2001).]

I am the wife of sad_n_lonely, I have a real concern for H being on line quite a bit during the day. This is how he met his OW. There is a concern cause the WS is vulnerable. Recovery takes quite awhile to complete and during this time, total thoughtfulness and caring are to be 100%.

The biggest problem right now though is H is still in fog and not sure whether he even wants to work on the marriage. Anytime I mention something I don't like, I'm trying to control his every move. He says he'll stay out of the chat rooms, but it will be him giving again. I think he's keeping score somewhere I don't know about. I don't know if right now, he's too concerned with how I feel. He will stop to keep the peace, but he'll be pissed over it. That's about where I am right now.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

I'm about to BLOW UP! Just looked at H's profile for Yahoo and now instead of saying No answer for marital status-it says Single. I'm about ready to quit. I e-mailed him the link to his profile and told him he's went from bad to worse and what does he expect from me. I'm about to leave work and go home and take the whole freakin computer and throw it in the damn river. I'm so pissed right now, I could probably beat someone half to death.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

I'm about to go home and throw him and the computer out. If he wants to be single so damn bad, why don't he just go on????????<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Well, just checked his profile again. He's online and he's changed it back to no answer. I'm so mad I could care less. I want him out of the chat rooms period. I'm tired of this crap. It's like he has an endless supply of OW and I'm competing with every damn one of them. I'm about to quit. I'm tired of all this.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

I'd send the link again and simply say <P>In case you didn't know YOU ARE MARRIED<P>

I already e-mailed him the link again and said "From worse to bad, still sucks but better than before." I'm about to just leave work and go home. I can tell he's online in Yahoo by looking at his profile and I think I'm going to go wring his freakin neck.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Got an answer back on the YOU ARE MARRIED e-mail. He said he didn't even realize it said that and he obviously doesn't check it as often as I do. I called his bluff and told him the damn thing was changed on the 4th of September--last week. Also, I haven't checked his stupid profile in a while so I'm glad it didn't show it had been that way for months. Well, now he's pissed and so I am. Oh, happy day--does anyone have a couch???<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

He's pissed?????? I'm sorry but OH WELL. Mad about what? (that he got CAUGHT!)<P>

Here's his e-mail back to me<P>"Do you really want to argue...we can. I can surely do that. If you want to<BR>and I don't. I can surely be gone before you get home. I think that may be<BR>exactly what you want. You just let me know. I don't have the time, the<BR>need, the want to, or give a **** to fight with you. You've got five minutes<BR>to call me and let me know. After that, I'll make up my own mind."<P>I e-mailed him back and told him that no I didn't want him to leave, but I was tired of the crap. I just tried to call the house and got the answering machine--don't know if he'll be gone when I get home or not.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Get into Plan A mode.<BR>No LB's.<P><BR>

Unless I back down completely and let him have his way, it's a little too late now.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

This is soooo hard.<P>I know you're trying to Plan A. I know that its been a couple months.<P>I know that you are angry right now, but you're not ready to go to Plan B right? So maybe you do have to back down on this. At least he knows that you know. He doesn't think he's putting one over on you.<P>Maybe now is the time to start thinking about your boundries and how to protect your love for him. What will it take for him to make you happy? And I personally think that him staying offline and out of chat rooms is reasonable.<P>

I came home and we fought over it. He basically isn't going to do crap and it's all up to me. I'm still pissed, but I'm trying to think straight. I've decided I'm going to worry about me-screw him. I'm going to work on me and he can go take a flying leap for all I care right now. If and when I get my sh*t straight, then it's up to him. If he doesn't get his head out of his [censored] then, I'm through. Right now, I'm emotionally distancing myself from him by choice. I'm tired of caring. I'm back to that point once again. I will work on me, but not on the marriage right now. I can't do all the work myself-it takes two. As you can probably see, I'm still very irritated and probably not rational right now so I'm going to try and cool off.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us