You know Lexxy, I too felt the way you've felt, SnL has felt, and your H has felt at one point.<P>I wanted nothing to do with my H at one point as the BS and as a WS, starting over was also a possibility. I came to my senses quickly though. I cannot say the same for my H.<P>We threatened separation and divorce in full force so many times that it just got ridiculous. Finally, I gave in. I just had to let it go. My H refused to stop contact with the OW. He just could not see what it was doing to us--to me. I couldn't understand cause he knows what it felt like to be the BS cause of my A. Mind boggling...uggggh.<P>So, coming to you from your H's viewpoint, he is angry, fed up, humiliated, scared, and sad. That is not all he is feeling. My BS side had to calm down. I had to have that space and time alone to put things into perspective. I also had to ask myself alot of questions. In the end, I realized that my H is human. He is not perfect and neither am I. I then took the time and found the courage to look at myself. I realized that I contributed big time to the breakdown of the M as well. It hit me that if I wanted anything to change, then my way of thinking and my behavior had to change. So, I forgave myself. If I could forgive myself I then knew that I could forgive my H.<P>I put it all in God's hands. I simply told my H (WS) that I wash my hands of it and that I am no longer taking responsibility for his actions or going to accept his actions. I then started making plans to live on my own. I started to live again. I don't even know if my H is still in contact with the OW but I have no time to deal with that. I refuse to go back to that or give it anymore of my energy. <P>Now, I let go of the anger too. I am not saying this may be what is happening to your H. I do know in order for him to let go and find a way to forgive you, he will need time and understanding. He has to examine both viewpoints and make a choice. He will have to accept the change. His anger is keeping from this. I am afraid the only thing you can do as far as that goes is wait.<P>It is your choice rather to stay in the house. He can't force you out. You will have to protect yourself if his threats are real. I don't know though, I'd wait to see him play his hand first before I make a move cause it could backfire if his threats are only words of anger speaking. You can't rush him. You have to leave it up to him. You have to be the W he thought you were. Everything you do from now on will have to reflect that. You have to show your commitment to him. Words are not enough anymore. Believe me when I say that. <P>I know it is hard to coming from my WS side. Cutting contact with the OM will take every ounce of will you have. So, if your M is what you want, if it comes to you going into a plan B, even then no contact with the OM must continue. Plan B does not give you permission to contact the OM. Your H may even cut all contact with you except regarding the kids. That is part of what Plan B intels. He doesn't know this if he hasn't gotten fully into MB principals. I don't know if you think he has this right, but if you think he should follow all the MB principals of Plans A and B, then you know he does have the right. As long as you continue contact with the OM....I'm sorry Lexxy, but some of your H's actions are what come with Plan B. The threats as well as all other LBing you can do without. He needs work on that.<P>So, if staying in the house is your choice, be prepared to deal with his anger. Has he physically done any harm to you before? If he hasn't, I don't think he will. If you do fear it, don't stay in the house. If you do, you may have to act almost like a roommate. You will have to be a mother, cause that is who you are, but some of your actions as a W, well, they are going to have to be put on hold until things turn around. You can't control your H's turn around time and he can't control yours. You will have to let him be the one to make all the moves, sort of speak. <P>I could go on, but this is already too long. Think REAL hard about yourself, your life, your responsibilities, and what you want. View all possibilities....I think that has become my motto ....but do it and then make the choice. Don't stop posting here. We all care about you Lexxy and you would have us wondering and worrying if you didn't come back here. Read on and view everyone's opinions then you make the choice of what YOU think is best. You and your family have to live with your choices. Choose wisely. KEEP US POSTED ...hint-hint <P>((((Lexxy))))<BR>Clouds

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>A lot of you suggested that I not rely on OM through this. Its not even an option. He lives 2000 miles away. And after H's call, he wants nothing to do with me or my situation. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Lexxxy,<P>Your post has been on my mind all day. <P>1. At the risk of upsetting you I guess your OM has shown his true colors. Will you see it and not blame it on your husband?<P>2. I think you really do want a divorce and always have (maybe that was what your affair was about?). Be honest with yourself. If you do then the best thing you can do for all involved is be honest with your husband and tell him. You also should apologize for the pain you've put him through. He might be hurting but just knowing that you are being honest and it is truly over will let him heal with time. Hopefully he will come to terms that his actions are wrong.<P>I hope these statements don't seem to harsh but I've always respected your honesty on these boards and I think you have it in you to ask yourself these questions.<P><BR>who

lexxy....I tried talking to my daughter about it, I tried to stay nuetral and not go into details. He then called me later to say that wasn't acceptable and that I should expect this to get ugly. <P>snl...That is such a terrible thing to say, and IMO the last gasp of a determined controller. Some will suggest (as even you have) that this is understandable, and an outcome of his stress. I just soooooo disagree. Over and over and over, we are told the victim of abuse is NOT the cause.....just like the ws chooses the affair, a bs who abuses chooses to do so, there is no acceptable excuse. I cringe everytime I read about bs (or ws) who feel justified using abusive coercion, (as opposed to using firmness). This IMO is such a huge indicator that the assessment a marriage maybe should not be has a lot of validity to it. It does not necessarily mean your H is a bad person (although he might not be marriage material for anyone), as much as it means you two just do not fit......unless one of you substantially alters who they are....and if marital recovery gets to the point people actually have to change who they are, that is going to far (not to mention won't work) in marital recovery. <P>lexxy...So no, we aren't going to be able to tell the kids together. I'm afraid to even try talking about it with them. He questions them about everything I say, then interprets it however he wants.<P>snl....That is probably prudent (not saying anything now), but I would at least tell them their father is angry, and may say things that are untrue because of it, and that sometime not too long away, you will sit down with them and explain, but to be patient. How old are they?<P>lexxy...I'm not blaming him for anything, but he sees it that way. <P>snl...He has a brain, and can understand english. If you are not blaming (as you say, but this gets a little tricky sometimes with exactly how we portray stuff ya know). Then he sees it that way cause it suits his purpose to do so.<P>lexxy...I think we're past the point of no return. He's not even slightly interested in the MB principals -- he's operating off of emotions only (fury, anger, revenge, etc.)<BR>He's already told his mother and his sister -- who will spread it to the ends of the earth. Nothing I can do about any of this.<P>snl....Hey this is not an airplane!! One can always forgive and recover with human beings, but a marriage does take the enthusiastic participation of both, and if one does not want to be there (you or him), and is prepared to move on in life, than indeed, no return..... for now. I have come to the conclusion marital dissolution is a process, and never really ends until one remarries someone else. A marital partner (for better or worse) becomes a part of who we are. So anger, conflict, hateful behaviour......then seperation.... then divorce are all just steps in pulling away. Even after divorce people find remorse and remarry (and sometimes redivorce too *sigh*). I don't really see divorce/seperation as death exactly (although that imagery is popular), I see it as pulling further and further away, sometimes that is needed to finally get the perspective required to make a permanent decision..... to reconcille, or that indeed it is over for all time. To that end, it is senseless to get so angry you drive someone away, that is so clearly self-serving and revealing about the nature of one as a spouse. <P>Most of us instinctively know that getting very angry/abusive is NOT how you repair a marriage. What I think happens is that folks (bs or ws) reveal their true natures under this extreme stess, and if a pattern of coercion/abuse (not an occassional blow-up, or angry outburst which is normal human behaviour for most of us) is revealed, I do not think one should be married to such an individual. It is easy to be married when everything is going fine, and no one is stressed (or at least showing the stress, have buried it perhaps), and think oh, just a little this, a little that, a little tweak and all will be ok....and sometimes it is. But often times the people don't fit, and someone finally says this is no good, and the marriage gets put under a microscope, and controllers are exposed, and it gets ugly. If their attempts to play nicer are rebuffed, cause they aren't enough, then they get desperate because they are only willing to go so far, and it is all about them. No matter how they try to hide it, the other party (ws or bs) knows....and is unwilling to accept it. <P>I truly do think we all "know" whether our marriage is based on truelove, fitting each other like hand and gloove (sorry folks who feel love is a decison, I have concluded after 6 months here it is not), or whether it is based on accomodation, history, emotional inertia, family, even friendship etc. (and that is fine long as both can agree to the EN contract required for it to work). And if one wants truelove, and the other is willing to settle for EN, then you have set the stage for a lot of unhappiness...... but no one is wrong, we all have a right to live our life as we need, and there is no need more fundamental (other than physical survival) than living with a lifemate who "sees" you, who "knows" who you are, and who you know you are always safe with (and vice versa has to be true also for it to work).<P>lexxy...I wanted to ask him about dual representation. A friend recommended this as a way to negotiate through one attorney as long as both parties will cooperate. And supposedly much cheaper. I don't think thats an option anymore. He wants to attack me.<P>snl...He is responsible for his actions lex, I would not fight back with same tactics though, do what you must to protect your kids, but do not let his anger poison you. You have the rest of your life to live, and you don't want to get mired in a toxic battle which effects will follow you long after all is done.<P>lex...So I don't feel like I have any choice but to see an attorney. I have an appointment today. I got recommendations from a friend, and went with the most aggressive. Because H has already indicated that he'll hide his business information, and even try some funny stuff.<P>snl....If you have the goods on him, then use that to blunt any attack on you, but do not use it to coerce him, give him what he wants and just leave lex, don't fight. But strategically act some like you are fighting some , so he has stuff to win, he probably needs that, and it is the best way for you to survive.<P>lex...I didn't want to do any of this. Even if we were to divorce, I had hoped we could both be civil. I truly don't want to interfere with his business, but he has me really scared right now. I'm scared of him physically. And I'm scared of his actions. I'm scared to go home at night.<P>snl....It is so hard when people are in that kind of place for the rest of us. One assumes you are scared with good reason, placate him as best you can, formulate as quickly as possible a plan for your safety, and do it....but listen to yourself lex, everyday the papers are full of injured women who just didn't get out of the way when they should have, don't be one of them. Whatever you do don't threaten him about his business etc. be calm and supportive, he is coming unglued, and must be extremely cautious. He may even be worried more about things you know, then about losing you (at this point) don't give him any reason to think you will make his life more difficult......have an emergency plan you can do on a moments notice too. <P>lex....A lot of you suggested that I not rely on OM through this. Its not even an option. He lives 2000 miles away. And after H's call, he wants nothing to do with me or my situation.<P>snl....Well, guess you found out om true colors, that is for the best too. But the point is, you should be leaveing a marriage cause it does not work for you, not cause one is trading people. One IMO should never leave a marriage expecting to marry the op, although one may hope for that, or be willing for that, it still must not be the reason why. <P>lex...So, I guess I need to switch boards. <P>snl...To where? This is still a good place, long as one believes the MB principles make sense, you will need em in the future. Good luck, and let us know how it goes for you..<P><BR>

Don't know about the rest of you, but I've had a lot of trouble getting on here the last couple of days.<P>I met with an attorney yesterday. I have a very strong legal position. At least I don't have those worries. It doesn't seem right, but I'll come out way way ahead in all of this. <P>This is not how I would approach it at all if H and I were able to talk and negotiate. <P>My attorney basically said do NOT leave the house. We could have a temporary hearing as soon as November. He said at that time I would be awarded the house and custody of the kids. H will have to pay child support. He also advised seeking joint custody, but sole physical custody.<P>As we get further into the process, H is going to end up owing me a substantial amount of money from the value of the business. This is not at ALL what I would have pursued. Nor does it feel fair to me. H and/or his attorney are not allowed to ask any questions about OM, nor can there be any written statements made about it.<P>H is not getting any calmer. He's not speaking to me at all, other than to be nasty. <P>So, as soon as he hears about all of this, he will be even angrier. His retaliation will be emotional. He will turn everyone against me. He's doing it anyway, so I may as well take care of myself.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I met with an attorney yesterday. I have a very strong legal position. At least I don't have those worries. It doesn't seem right, but I'll come out way way ahead in all of this. <P>This is not how I would approach it at all if H and I were able to talk and negotiate.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's actually not "right", but it is the way the legal system works. But your attorney works for you, so you can direct him to settle for what YOU believe is fair, instead of coming out "way ahead".<P>And based on what you've just said, I wouldn't blame your husband for being angrier, and trying to turn people against you. He doens't have much recourse in this---there won't be justice for him.<P>I'd suggest that you grow up and stop blaming your husband's anger for your behavior. Try to settle for what's reasonable in this, and attempt to rebuild a relationship that's civil, for the sake of your children.<BR>

K...It's actually not "right", but it is the way the legal system works. But your attorney works for you, so you can direct him to settle for what YOU believe is fair, instead of coming out "way ahead".<P>And based on what you've just said, I wouldn't blame your husband for being angrier, and trying to turn people against you. He doens't have much recourse in this---there won't be justice for him.<P>I'd suggest that you grow up and stop blaming your husband's anger for your behavior. Try to settle for what's reasonable in this, and attempt to rebuild a relationship that's civil, for the sake of your children.<P>snl...I pretty much agree with K, you decide, not attorney. Plus you can handle this so that H feels like he is making demands and you are meeting them (not telling him you do not have too, this may help his self-esteem some too).<P>I don't agree that you need to "grow up" anymore than the rest of us do. That smacks of the pervasive (but understandable) mindset here that anyone wanting to leave a marriage is somehow a selfish teenager. And people are people, if one can love and marry someone, those same feelings apply when you fall in love with op (often cause you come to realize the marriage was a terrible mistake), there is nothing evil about it, it is what you do about it that is the issue. Some reconcille, many don't, both outcomes can be right or wrong. I think you know very well what you want, are very disillusioned with your marriage, and don't really blame anyone, but are reacting understandably also to the pressures (as perhaps is your H, who may be a nice guy otherwise). Point is lex, don't let anger dictate your actions, try to be fair and disspassionate, and maybe let your H seem to get his way in things you can let go of (not kids obviously).<P>and K, I do blame her H, and anyone else who ever for any reason (including myself, when I have) acts out of anger to hurt another. That is a CHOICE, no one makes a person be angry, and certainly not even every bs is angry to the point of intentionally inflicting damage. There is an annoying bias here that this awful thing that happens to a bs somehow justifies all sorts of extreme behaviour. If we go there, than anyone who is "greatly" unpset about anything for any reason gets a free walk....do you really think that? Being a bs is a painful experience, but there is a whole bunch of much worse stuff that can happen to people, and in the realm of human behaviour, this is expected. Statistics alone should alert anyone who is getting married that odds are your S will have an affair of some sort (using the most broad def of affair). That doesn't mean it won't hurt, but life does go on, and oft times better than before. If an affair happens, it is cause it should happen, it happens cause the marriage is not working, it is cause and effect, it is not an injury deliberately inflicted on another. Tell me K, have you ever run a yellow light, gone 5 mph over, whatever, with your wife in the car? And if you have an accident and injure/kill her as result of your deliberate choice, knowing full well what you were doing, knowing full well she wouldn't approve, does that mean you hurt your wife on purpose? Or were you just being a messy human?<P>As for lex H< having no recourse, well too bad, such is life, you either suck up and make the best of it, or you turn into an a***ole, and who wants to be married to an....well you get my point. I think bs (and ws) reveal much about who they are under this stress, and I think rather than excuse it, one should consider it very valuable insight into the nature of your spouse, and whether this is something you want (or not) in a spouse.

Lexxxy,<P>I find it hard to understand that you don't understand why your H is sooo angry. Let me see if I recall all of this and you can correct me where I am wrong.<P>1. You decided to have an affair.<P>2. Your H has found about it.<P>3. It appears that he has tried to reconcile with you or at least get over this with the hope that you would choose your marriage.<P>4. You continue contact with OM and I know you have stated here that you deeply love OM and would prefer to be with him.<P>5. Your H finds out about the latest contact and finally blows a gasket.<P>ARE YOU SURPRISED???? So now you go to a lawyer. He advises you of your rights and privleges as a Female, and you are now feeling, well I might as well take him for all he is worth; after all he is being unreasonable being angry with me. You can indeed take him for the house, child support, a good fraction of his earnings, and of course you have already taken his heart and ripped it apart. Nice real nice!<P>Great message to send you kids. Lexxxy, the great irony in all of this is that you have been in control of this situation for the entire time. Don't listen to SNL who only sees control in the BS, you still have control of this situation. How?<P>Show some patience with your H, get rid of OM, and try and see with some time and patience if things can be worked out. If they cannot, then perhaps the situation will be more civil if divorce is the final resolution.<P>Lexxxy, you are not being controled by your H. His anger is due to the pain caused by part of him being ripped out of him, without his even being consulted. You did that. His anger and wanting to get a D is a response to the pain.<P>So stop, reflect, stay calm, and understand that this anger may last for a month or more but it will go away. This is less time that he has had to endure the pain of your affair.<P>Think about it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lexxxy,<P>You're placing WAY to much confidence in your attorney. Do you think your H is stupid? What do you think H's lawyer is going to say to him? If he doesn't like it then he's going to fight you tooth and nail. The only party that will come out happy are the attorney's. You two will be filled with so much hate towards each other you will be blind to the fact that you were both fleeced by the lawyers. You know you are not being fair if you turn the lawyer loose. You have to live with that. Fight for what YOU think is FAIR. And fight for it at all costs but within your pricipals. You know what that is, you always have. Don't let someone else that knows nothing about your situation make your decisions. Let's see your true colors.<P>You might think I have something against lawyers. I don't. I have used several in my business. I have one that I regard as highly ethical. I had an event in my business that happened a few years ago. My lawyer suggested that I propose a settelment otherwise I would end up paying at least twice as much in legal fees than I would to settle. I told him no, it's the principal. I fought aggressive and won. In the beginning I knew I was right and to this day I know I was right but during the process I had to do things that I did not want to do because they were disrupting my business (I had to keep an employee that needed to be fired). Looking back on it, I still would have fought but I would have kept my principals and not let apperances decide my course of actions. In the end I never paid 1 penny to the employee (they told me I could sue the employee if I wanted) and paid about 5 times to the lawyer what I could have settled for not to mention the money I lost from my business being disrupted. It was a hollow victory. <P><BR>I own my own business and I can relate to what your H is going through. I assume that you have always been the main caretaker for your children. I can remember a time that I was going through what your H is going through and I threatened to take the kids. My wife lashed out with such hatred that I could not believe it. What is your reaction going to be if your H threatens that? That is basically what you are doing to him if you try to take everything. If you think he's a psycho now wait until you take the one thing he has left in his life and make him your prisoner. <P><BR>SNL,<P>I agree with a lot of what you said about BS. But I think you are full of s#*t when you say that there are worse things (I'm talking about pain) than what the WS endures. I can think of only one. The death of a loved one. I pretty much accepted things when the A was revealed but the aftermath of continued contact, lies, etc., while I truly let down every guard I had and poured my heart and soul into the marriage (for the first time I will admit) was devastating. I don't want to dramatize this as most WS think we do but it is the truth. No matter what you have in life once your soul has been crushed nothing else matters. Now, before you start accusing me of being this pathetic sob story I will tell you that this has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I've had to learn a lot about myself and make a lot of changes. I've had to fight. For the first time in my life, I know life is a journey and there is no destination. That may not mean much to you but for me it means everything.<P><BR>Lexxxy,<P>You know what is right. Do it.<P><BR>who<BR>

NEVER HAVE I SAID I AM SURPRISED BY HIS ANGER.<BR>NOR DO I BLAME HIM FOR IT.<P>Go back and read the start of this thread.<P>He can be mad all he wants. He can tell whomever he wants.<BR>He can be vindictive, revengeful -- anything he wants.<BR>I do not blame him for his reaction. I do not blame him for his anger. I don't expect him to react any differently than he is.<P>But I am going to protect myself from his vengefulness too. I believe he is at a point that will go beyond fair to me. I have no desire to do that to him, even though I could.<P>I feel relieved that at least legally he can't do all the things he is threatening to do. He will emotionally continue to do all the things he's been threatening, and I can't do anything about that.<P>It makes me sad that he's willing to hurt our kids to get revenge. And I'm hopeful that he will come to some realization about that before he damages them -- but obviously he won't listen to me about that. He thinks I don't want him to tell them because of my own self-interest.<BR>Thats not the case -- I don't think its appropriate for ANY CHILD to have their parents sexuality thrown in their face.<BR>In spite of what he tells them, I will never retaliate and tell them about his affair.<P>So go ahead -- keep bashing me all you want. I simply spoke from the heart about my fears and concerns. <P>

JL, When I have the time, and if you (or anyone) has the inclination, there are a few issues I would like to elaborate on, anger and general behaviour being one of them. It is one thing to "understand" rage/anger, and quite another to condone it. There is NO... let me repeat NO excuse ever, for rage, and anger based hurtful behaviour. A few choice words, raised voices, hurtful name-calling, are expected (in an emotional outburst)...but SHOULD be followed by a unilateral APOLOGY by the guilty party, and should rarely lead to actual real world attempts to hurt someone. Surely you agree?<P>My issue with her H is a (if lexxy is reporting accurately) threat of DELIBERATE character assasination of lex through her kids, as well as a similar attack at her workplace and in her social/family circles, as well as any other injury he can concoct......this is way over the top, totally unacceptable, and so much worse than the affair itself as to render it questionable why anyone would want to be married to a human being capable of such violent/abusive behaviour.<P>Near as I can tell, this is not how plan B is supposed to work. But it is consistent behaviour of self-absorbed controllers. All this is about HIM, either getting even with lex for his pain, or about coercing her with threats back into reconcilliation, both agendas stink, and frankly had my w attempted the same I would consider that the death knell of the marriage.....NO MATTER WHAT I WAS DOING. That is how it works jl, his actions stand alone, and he must be judged accordingly, NOTHING lex has done can excuse his choices. Just as nothing the bs does excuses the ws affair. This concept works both ways.<P>JL...So now you go to a lawyer. He advises you of your rights and privleges as a Female, and you are now feeling, well I might as well take him for all he is worth; after all he is being unreasonable being angry with me. You can indeed take him for the house, child support, a good fraction of his earnings, and of course you have already taken his heart and ripped it apart. Nice real nice!<P>snl...I agree JL, it would be unfortunate if lex did this like that, but I didn't hear that exactly, let's hope she does the right thing. IMO in the overall context of life, if one leaves a marriage as a ws, one should pretty much let the bs set the terms, seems like a reasonable cosmic balance of some kind (but this does not include the kids, that should be decided in their best interests).<P>jl...Great message to send you kids. Lexxxy, the great irony in all of this is that you have been in control of this situation for the entire time. Don't listen to SNL who only sees control in the BS, you still have control of this situation. How?<P>snl...I know this control thing bugs a lot of people, but until you live it jl (don't know if you have), you have no idea how it is....I get the sense her H has been a controller from day 1, and is probably the primary reason she wants to end it (although I could be mistaken about that, easy to get stories mixed up here). Controller psychology is fascinating, and complex, but it is very real. His responses to lex is classic male controller stuff, it leaps out at you, he might as well be wearing a sign on his forehead, and he is not the only male bs where this is obvious. I hope lex does what she wants, not what you, or I, or anyone thinks, my point is moral support, and insight (as is yours I assume), I don't wish her H any illwill, and if they can recover and be in-love great, that is the ideal outcome. As for this notion the ws controls stuff (and my w accuses me often), yes is possible, if ws tries to dictate bs behaviour (do xxx or i will leave blah blah blah), but otherwise, each (bs and ws) is exercising freewill. The ws whether they want to maintain relationship with op, and bs plan a/b or divorce. Nobody is making anyone do anything.<P>jl...Show some patience with your H, get rid of OM, and try and see with some time and patience if things can be worked out. If they cannot, then perhaps the situation will be more civil if divorce is the final resolution.<P>snl...This is always tricky lex, and it is the part where I have a little issue, I do agree that a ws should stop and focus on the M, and make their decision accordingly, I am not really sure why you have not. My guess is it would not really make any difference, your decisions have been made after a lot of pain and effort, long before OM appeared. And you just don't want to go through it, maybe are scared you will get sucked back in (lose resolve) for another 5 years, only to leave anyways, or have it get somewhat better and increase your guilt, cause you are still not passionate (and never will be)...and all that wasted time. In the meantime losing the om, and that chance to be someone's other half, and if not om, than someone somewhere....yada yada yada. I know lex, I know how it feels. That is where the brain has to function, take control of the emotions, and just do it (make yourself available for reconcilliation), trust yourself to not accept less, not to give in, and do the growth, it is the only way to recover your dignity, and give back the bs dignity that we stole. Doesn't mean you give up, you are changed now forever, you look at the old marriage as dead and gone, and you date your s, with new standards, and it either works or it doesn't. But this is far better than ending a marriage in an angry confrontational means, and no matter how bad (short of dangerous/abusive) a spouse might be, they don't deserve to be abandoned this way.<P><BR>

btw lex, how old are the children. And I was wondering about your comment re the om, he wanting nothing to do with this? You? Clearly agreeing that this must be decided by marital partners is appropriate, but your wording sounded a little like he just was somehow concerned about himself, or felt threatened by your H calling him. Is a volatile situation all around, no doubt, but if om is really worthy, seems like he would fight (withing the rules, whatever they are) for you...... is it possible he has been really kinda just using you, no real deep committment? I would think at least he would be willing to lend moral support...I dunno, this is the really hard part of marital dissolution, and why it is better to have first seperated from op, otherwise people are placed (bs, ws, spouses, op) in horrendously stressful emotional positions.

I agree with JL, but as far as telling you not to listen to SnL, well, that is up to you. Some of his points are dead on, but some other things said, well, I guess everyone views things their own way.<P>You want to make the M work, you need to give it more time. Why don't you want to see that your H is hurting? Like I said before, just wait to see how things. <P>To me, why would you take everything from your H when you're the one who cheated? What justifies this? To me, if the M were to come to an end, maybe you'd agree to split everything down the middle. Even if your H acts on his anger and you get everything your attorney advises you on, would you or could you go through with it? <P>Sounds to me like you are angry too Lexxy? Let things cool off on both sides, then you two need to set up a time and place do some serious talking. I think that is all you can do at this point. Worrying about who he is telling is irrelevant at this point. Then, again, that is my opinion.<P>Wait Lexxy...wait<P>Clouds

You all need to listen to me.<P>I do not blame him for being angry. I expect it. <P>I am not angry. I am rather calm about all of this.<P>In his anger, my H has made many many many threatening remarks:<BR>About revealing far too much information to my children...<BR>About causing problems for me at work....<BR>Death threats against OM....<BR>About selling his business to his partner to avoid me....<BR>About how he can hide his income and assets....<BR>About telling friends and family....<BR>About taking my belongings from the house....<BR>About taking custody of the children....<P>Alot of these he is already acting on. I saw an attorney to PROTECT MYSELF. I felt relief after meeting with him, that at least my legal position was firm. For a very long time I have told my H that I only wanted to be fair, just because I have been ADVISED of my rights -- does not mean I will choose to EXCERCISE them.<P>You all need to stop telling me that I am surprised or unbelieving of his anger. Its expected and understood.<P>And you need to stop telling me that I'm being unfair. I haven't done a blasted thing but get information.<P>I'm not waiting....because who knows what damage he will cause in the meantime.<P>

You said that you are not sure how much damage your H will do. Has not the damage all ready been done. The only thing he may do is reveal what you did to the marriage, are you ashamed of what you did. Not only did you rip his heart out by cheating but now you may take him broke too, now that is justice.

Lexy, I didn't read this entire thread, but I read a few responses, and all of your responses. Don't worry yourself if you feel people are bashing you. You're doing the best you can and I applaud you for how well you are handling this.<P>The sad truth is that your husband waited so long and let his anger build up. Rather than release his anger to you, and talk about it as adults, he let his "arsenal of information" build up and then used it as leverage to try and hurt you.<P>You know why this strikes me as so profound? Because I feel I am guilty of doing much of the same thing myself, as a BS. Rather than talk with my wife about things I have found out, I have tried to ignore them and just pretend I am Plan A-ing really well. But in fact, I am building up an "arsenal of information" for when I can't take it anymore so I can just get out of it. <P>But last night, before I even read this post, I talked to my wife about what all I know. We both had a difficult and heartfelt conversation. I didn't tell her what to do. I just stated what I knew and how I felt. She reacted by reaffirming her love for me and her desire to make things work. We still have work to do, but at least I have released these things off my chest.<P>I think many of us BSes need to take a lesson from this. We don't need to constantly whine and complain to our WSes about what is bothering us, but be careful about building up that arsenal, it might prove too heavy a burden and drive you to the same hateful actions that Lexxxy's husband has come to.<P>Good luck, Lex, we're pullin for you.

Don't count on what the lawyer told you having any validity. I had one lawyer tell me that she expected that my H would have to pay an amount in child support that exceeded his take-home! As it turns out, he lost his high paying job over a year ago, the OW is apparently supporting him, and he does not have to pay enough child support to keep his children much above the poverty level. The non-custodial parent has a lot of financial power.<P>In most states adultery can be considered a factor in fault divorces in computing division of assets and child custody, and it is rarely necessary to "prove" it.

I am sorry that things are getting ugly for you Lexxy. Do whatever you need to do for you and your kids and even your H to come out of this less damaged than possible. Try to be calm so as not too flame him further. <P>Just a question I would like to ask here (not just to you but to all) – judging from these sort of actions and circumstances would you say that the BS still loves or even cares for the WS? If you feel that much anger to intentionally want to inflict pain (emotional or otherwise) to the WS, is it possible to love the WS? Or is it not love?<P>Take care of urself Lexxy.<BR>

Lexxy,<P>Some people have been asking questions that you have not been answering. I was wondering if you were avoiding them because he may not want to deal with it, or if you were just too busy focusing on the anger portion...<P>-How old are your kids<BR>-If you ended it with OM would your H be willing to work on marriage, or was he willing until he found out you contacted OM again<BR>-Are you focusing more on H's anger, rather than the message BEHIND the anger. THIS IS KEY, read this over and over.<P>Is it possible you may be blowing things a bit out of proportion on what your H is doing? I know my WH did ALOT of that when he was upset, he thought I was doing this, or threatening that, it wasn't really the case. I was just curious... Some of the things you mentioned are direct threats, but most just sound like your H is mad and needs to cool off. Even if he did them, SO WHAT (the little stuff, not the big stuff)?? I did lots of things I later regretted when I was mad at H, he did too, but we forgave and moved on...<P>I agree, you do need to protect yourself, and I admire you for finding out your options and choosing to be fair rather than vengeful (at least this is how it sounds like you will be). That was a good choice.<P>Why don't you and H take a break for a few days, schedule a time when you can talk rationally and see where it takes you. Apologize for goodness sake and tell H you understand why he is mad (like you've been saying here), what you did was wrong, and you'd like to talk civally about everything. Be the bigger person here (I know it is tough after listening to all the anger for quite a while now).<P>Otherwise, if he won't talk to you, then just keep your lawyer in your backpocket and if/when you get the papers, then react...<P>Go see a counselor and let them help you with all these range of emotions you are feeling inside. Stay low, talk, post, and deal with your H in the most civil manner possible.<P>Good luck. I hope things turn out better for you.<BR>HbH

Hi Lexxy,<BR>I'd really like to talk to another WS. Any chance you'd be interested in sharing some thoughts?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bad Hubby:<BR><B>Hi Lexxy,<BR>I'd really like to talk to another WS. Any chance you'd be interested in sharing some thoughts other than you ahve expressed here?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>