SAU, I'm here, we're all here, hold on. You are doing the right thing, and if it helps, your husband is probably suffering right now, which it seems like is good for him. His view of himself as a Christian man is bound to take a beating since he's possibly faced with having to confess to adultery. Of course, he's been rationalizing his actions because who wants to admit they've become so cruel, so selfish? He wants to feel justified, but facing you about this makes this attitude hard to maintain. Truth is not his friend here, lies are his friends if he wants to continue in this way.<P>I think you should prepare yourself to hear the worst, as difficult as it is. If your husband isn't having his emotional needs met, and realistically, how can anyone have their needs met by someone they can't see very much, then he was probably available to an affair. If the reality is different you will be relieved, but this sounds very much like a physical affair. And I think his silence about your question indicates that.<P>SAU, I know this is probably the worst feeling you've ever had (it was for me), but you don't have to "be" any particular way, just concentrate on living past each moment. Do kind things for yourself, speak kindly to yourself and keep in touch. You're in my prayers.<P>Rose Red<p>[This message has been edited by Rose Red (edited September 24, 2001).]

Still nothing from my husband. No email, no phone call. Surely he knows how important this is to me? Should I phone him at his work? <P>I talked to a friend who says her own husband has had many friends, over the years, that she's felt very uncomfortable about. It was an enormous stress to her. She was thinking that maybe I'm making something out of nothing, and that all I might be doing is getting his back up against me if it is in fact an innocent friendship. That he could be acting so horribly uncaring just because I asked him to make a choice, and he's angry at me. What do you think, could she be right? Even if she is right, then what, am I supposed to suffer deep depression and worry just so that he doesn't feel he has to make a 'ridiculous' choice? Can a man become an evil twin just because he's angry that I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want to? I am so confused!! <P>SAU <P>

Hello, SAU. "Making something out of nothing...???" A friend for your husband, maybe someone he is glad to bring over to meet his wonderful wife, someone he tries to help professionally....well, maybe. But a friend that he acts all weird about, that he goes away with for a weekend alone, refuses to give up even though he knows it's killing you??? That seems pretty cut and dried. Besides, you said your friend found her husband's nonsense to be "an enormous stress to her." Do you want this kind of life?? I think your friend is trying to help you by minimizing your husband's actions, but I don't think you're imagining this. <P>No word from your husband yet? Please post as soon as you can.<P>Rose Red

Nope, not a word. I don't even know where he is, if he's at work, maybe that's why he's not replying to my email. He normally would be at work, at this time. Should I phone him, send another email, or what? I don't want him to ignore this, the waiting for his answer is killing me.<P>SAU

I phoned him. I asked if he'd received my email, he said yes but he'd been too busy to reply. When I asked when he intended to answer my question, he said he was not going to change his stance of 'not giving up my friends for anyone'. I said 'you're giving me up for her'. He said it's not like that. So I said I want to email only, for essential information, that it hurt me too much hearing his voice. That as my husband he should be putting me first, and protecting me from pain or worry - that he was not doing that. He said about me twisting an innocent friendship into something more. I said that regardless of that being true, it still hurt me and worried me and that no matter what he said, it still would. I also said I was not wanting to talk to him, not to punish him, but for my own wellbeing and health, that it was too stressful otherwise. <P>I did not loose my temper, beg, plead, raise my voice, or anything. My voice was shaking, heck I'm shaking all over and can't believe the cruelty of him. He didn't even sound worried, or concerned, just said 'ok' to me only emailing him about essential things. I then rang my mother to tell her, she was devastated (even though she's never liked him). <P>So there you have it. Thinking back, he turned into an evil twin before I asked him to stop his friendship altogether, so it couldn't have been me pressuring him that got him so cold. All I'd done at that stage was express my concern, and asked him to cool the friendship to taper it off. <P>I'm going to make my own life as comfortable as possible, do whatever I can to bring fun and enjoyment to me. It will be much easier for me to not have to listen to that voice I so loved, now so full of unconcern. Boy don't I sound rather upbeat here, but I'm sure you can imagine that I'm a total wreck.<P>This friend of his is supposed to be leaving the country in a few months, as she's only here studying. Imagine, he's giving up ME and our marriage for someone he's only going to be seeing for another few months. Unless of course he's planning to bring her back somehow. Well, that's up to him and we'll see what happens. I suspect he's also spending lots of money on her already, I can't access his financial records as he has a seperate account. <P>Sorry to go on, I'm trying to get over this agony I'm feeling by concentrating on writing. <P>SAU