After D day my wife went for two months to her parents to figure out what she wants, me or the OM. During that time I dind't tell anybody but just a few people I trusted very much. I gave her the chance, that if she would return to me, as few people as possible would know about the affair. Well she came back and moved directly in with the OM. The same day I told my parents and my brother about it. I needed their support and there was no way I could keep it a secret that my wife left me, because as a result of her affair pretty much everything in my life changed (job, future plans etc). I usually don't tell people anything about my wife, unless they ask me very directly. My wife should have the privilege to see the astonished faces of our friends when she tells them about her leaving me for another guy. I'm not doing that for her. It would be too easy.<P>I want to protect her from the rumours, but she makes it impossible. She has destroyed everything so far. Now it doesn't matter who knows it or not. She is walking around with him and people see them together. It doesn't seem to be a problem for her. Well, I guess it will be very humbling to deal with her history once she decides to return to our marriage. I will still try to make it as easy as possible for her, but she will have to face the ugly consequences of her life choices. I feel sorry for her, but I can't change it. If I could, I would have done a long time ago. I suffer very much, when people get disappointed of her doing such a thing as an affair. It is a tragedy.<P>I pray that God will pull her out of this incredible mess.<P>peace<P>Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B><P>So this is what I mean by my earlier comments. Its just so much less likely for this to work. I'd rather just walk away than face this. BS has every right in the world to talk to who they want to, tell what they want to, etc. I'm not angry about it. It just kinda shuts me down. I just feel rather alone and hopeless. And its another way for me to grow closer to OM.<P>.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My husband was very upset that I told my sister and mother and said that he didn't want to see them again.[big mistake!] I can understand that he wouldn't want to suffer the consequences of his behavior [who doesn't?] but that is simply the price you pay when you do wrong. I had no intention whatsoever of severing my relationships with my family to save him discomfort - frankly I think he SHOULD feel great discomfort about what he did. However, I wasnt willing to pay that price because of his cowardice [after paying the price for his adultery] and he has bravely faced my mother and dad and they are forgiving him. That is just the price that a WS has to pay in redeeming himself to the BS.<P>My sister still will not have anything to do with him, but I have high hopes that she will settle down as time goes on. <P>

Mikoman and Dana, I feel the same as you--bad publicity seems just a part of the consequences of a WS's actions. Most of the unpleasant consequences fall right on the BS's shoulders. Having the support of friends and family seems a small recompense.<P>Lexxxy, I'm sorry you feel so isolated by your friends knowing the truth. I hope that some of those people who now know, who you feel are critical and condemning, would support and help you if they saw you wanting to right a wrong. Naturally, people feel they should distance themselves from behavior they don't want to see in themselves or their loved ones. Are you planning to leave your husband now? I'd be sorry to hear that.<P>Rose Red

Wow---lots of thoughts here. My WS only told our 2 grown sons. He did not tell anyone for many months...finally told his brother and uncle. He is ashamed and admits it. I did tell some friends and my whole family knows. I told some details but my mom was informed by a friend about WS and OW. Also another friend saw WS and OW together at a diner. I struggled with telling others until I asked WS if he told OW things about me and my failings. He said yes so I said then I have no problem telling others about his failings to get support and caring. I could not go on if I kept all that pain inside me and made believe I was A-ok. It is so hard to pretend with close friends and family and just talk about surface things. It was all a part of my healing and I do believe that WS has done something that will have consequences and yes---his reputation is one of the consequences. WS does not know who I told (except my mom and brother and Pastor)so that will help him to face others if he does not know. If WS is driven to OW because of me telling others of my pain that is not much of a basis for a lasting relationship for them.<P>I only have told close friends and family....but so many do not understand why we are separated and what is wrong with WS for throwing away the best deal in town. He had everything a man could want and some would kill for all he had. It is baffling for so many people and that is hard to keep quiet about. I do sometimes feel I want to hurt him by telling others especially those that think he is so great. All that know of this thinks WS is crazy. No one supports him except OW and her family is very upset about the A also. They seem to only have each other now so we will see how long that will last.<P>TW<P> <P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

I'm another who has hardly told anyone, only Steve Harley and a trusted friend I spoke to before I found this site!<P>I made the decision to tell either sets of parents would not be helpful, my WS parents would be absolutely devastated, and I do not believe I would get alot of support from mine.<P>I think everyone must make their own mind up, based on their own circumstances and how family relationships currently stand.<P>mands

This is a really tough issue!<P>For now, I am telling almost noone - you all! And I did tell two other people that I trust to keep a secret, one pastor, not of my church but a friend, and one friend that is also having marital problems (not A, but empty nest)<P>But almost all of my plan A work came unraveled when I told WS that I had told actual people. (WS has finally realized I have to have some outlet and has decided that it is ok if I post here.) I knew it might, but I decided that I regretted telling them, and I would rather confess now than later. WS has chosen not to know who I actually told.<P>It was extremely painful to realize that most of the people I know would not be supportive of what I am doing. Some would say "Kick WS out, you don't have to put up with this." Many would go to WS and try to educate. This would be totally counterproductive. Some would say "Well, you should have expected it - you let WS go on trips without you and you got fat and you spend too much time at work."<P>I don't tell my family because for now it would cause them so much pain. If WS actually leaves, I will tell my mom why.<P>I don't tell WS family because it will seriously pain them. And it's WS' job to tell them. I also told WS that if WS leaves, WS can tell the kids why! If WS family knew, I would<BR>be the one supporting them! (No, it's not your fault...) And I am not ready for that now.

I think this is really interesting. Any more WS's perspective on this?<P>My H has told a whole bunch of people in the past couple of weeks. He did it in anger. Now that he's calmer, I think he has regret for what he's done. Cuz there are no reparations possible. You can't untell.<P>It was a lovebank DRAIN. Turn on the faucet and let it all go! We were in a difficult place right before this happened....now its impossible.<P>Now he's disappointed that I'm not willing to be present at family functions, visit his mother with him, have our annual party, or the holiday things that are coming up.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited October 01, 2001).]

I don't post that often anymore but I do lurk daily -- just had to speak up. I'm the BS. After first dday (may 2000)I told everyone who would listen. Not out of anger, out of sheer disbelief and agony. H was livid for a long time, wondered why I had to "get back at him" by telling. He couldn't understand that I was looking for help, for answers, for support from anyone who would give it. <P>It took him a while to realise that my "tattling" was nothing compared to what he'd done to our marriage, to our family. Dday #2, April of this year, when he confessed to 4 more PA's (and they were ALL pa, one night stands), I answered honestly when people asked me how we were doing. More devestation, more anger, as some on this site will understand. <P>The difference was that he accepted that everyone we knew or cared about would know -- it's always been in my nature to "share" everything. He at that point had accepted full responsibility for his actions and understood that he had some knocks to take. His sister, who initially suggested I get out of the marriage because she had seen me trying so hard for so many years to make it work, has recently expressed a new understanding of why people do keep trying in spite of it all. He's made a lot of really positive changes in his life this past year and people DO notice, people who may not have been "looking" for changes otherwise. I think a lot of that has to do with the support HE got from his family in trying to do the right thing. Would that have been possible if we'd kept everything to ourselves? <P>Forgiveness and understanding can be contagious! I believe honesty is the only way to go; share your sorrows and they are divided, share your triumphs, no matter how small, and they multiply. I could not have survived the last 16 months otherwise.<P>Not everyone has been supportive -- there are people who think I should have just shrugged it off and there are still those who can't believe I would even give him the time of day. What continues to amaze me is how many family members and friends have sworn to (and DO) support us BOTH, no matter what happens. <P>Snow<P>

WS's family knew of affair including his daughter (age 21) while it was going on. He spent alot of time at family's house because daughter lived there, and sometimes had OW over. Let me say that he had girlfriend while we were seperated, but when we reconciled, he continued relationship! Found out a year later. Total humiliation!!<P>When I found out (Feb2001) H told my parents. I told my kids. They have been very supportive. I have reconciled with his family. H & I are doing well in recovery. We are closer than ever.

The more I think about this issue, the more I become convinced that telling the key people in your life is the best course of action. BS suffer under a big sense of shame as it is--at least, I did and I have seen the same thing many times on this board. We feel rejected, undesirable, and wonder how we fit into this sudden misery that our marriages have become. I think that <B>additional</B> honesty is called for, not less. I don't think there is any reason to tell people who would only be hurt by the news (minor children, elderly and/or fragile parents), but to have the support of your family or church community could make the difference between a BS hanging in there with Plan A, or dropping out with discouragement and shame. Also, I can only think that the accountability created by telling is valuable for the BS. WSes function best in darkness, and I almost wonder if keeping their ugly little secret doesn't enable them somewhat. Even my WH agrees with this.<P>Rose Red

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>I think this is really interesting. Any more WS's perspective on this?<P>My H has told a whole bunch of people in the past couple of weeks. He did it in anger. Now that he's calmer, I think he has regret for what he's done. Cuz there are no reparations possible. You can't untell.<P>It was a lovebank DRAIN. Turn on the faucet and let it all go! We were in a difficult place right before this happened....now its impossible.<P>Now he's disappointed that I'm not willing to be present at family functions, visit his mother with him, have our annual party, or the holiday things that are coming up.<P>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited October 01, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>As you know from the other post, I feel the way you feel. H's telling all family members and friends (some distant friends!) is unrecoverable. It's not the humiliation of it all as much as it is the resentment that it was such a PRIVATE thing to share with others.. I feel violated. Since when should all things private be shared with casual friends? Trust me, there are many very private things I could have shared with the world about H that would cause him extreme discomfort and humiliation, but I never shared those, because they were PRIVATE. An affair, IMHO, is something that occurs between a couple that falls in that area that just isn't discussed. <BR>At times I feel like I should reveal all just for the heck of it too.. but I choose to conduct myself with more dignity regarding discreteness. <P>Yes, I agree with you that it allows a WS to easily become alloys with the OP. And there are times (this isn't going to be a popular thing to say here, but we are all entitled to our feelings, yes??) that I feel that if I had chosen to be with OM (I chose not to), at least all of the crap we've been thru would be somewhat justified. There are days when I've asked myself... what is the REAL honesty here? <P>And to answer the QQ originally asked - I told nobody. When I had to give my parents some kind of explanation because of a situation where one had to be given I merely stated that we were having a bit of trouble and working on it.<P>Red, I can see and understand your outlook on this. I see great reasoning in your theory. It depends on how seriously this hurts the person at hand though I guess. <BR>But I did read with great interest your take on it and I thank you for sharing that. It did give me some apathy that didn't probably exist before the way you presented it.<BR>

Thank you, W2E!<P>I have a friend whose husband is having a MLC/EA and she took the opposite tack from me. She hasn't told her parents anything, and only told his mother because of unavoidable circumstance. Her MIL has turned out to be a big source of support for my friend, who is glad to talk to her because MIL is the only person who loves the husband as unequivocably as my friend does. I don't hesitate to say that my friend is handling her husband with more grace than I am (although she had a longer road getting there).<P>Rose Red

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Rose Red:<BR><B>The more I think about this issue, the more I become convinced that telling the key people in your life is the best course of action. </B> <P>I strongly disagree.<P><B>I think that additional honesty is called for, not less.</B> <P>Sure -- but with your SPOUSE not the whole world<P><B>...but to have the support of your family or church community could make the difference between a BS hanging in there with Plan A, or dropping out with discouragement and shame. </B> <P>But the risk is that the WS drops out with discouragement and shame. If your WS is not committed to recovering, this could be the issue that drives them away.<P>If I ever made a list of pros and cons of staying with my H, one of the biggest pros was to maintain the relationships with friends and family. Now that is a con.<BR>It most definitely has a huge impact on my decision.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited October 03, 2001).]

Well, Lexxxy, looks like we just don't see eye to eye about this. Our situations are so different, and also our temperments and our outlooks--I guess it's not surprising that we are coming at this with different goals.<P>My husband hasn't waffled since d-day. His goal has always been to heal our marriage, to work towards forgiveness both from me and from himself, to understand himself better to prevent future occurences, and for us to work on meeting those emotional needs so that our marriage isn't vulnerable to future affairs. (It sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? But of course, these are only goals and we are having plenty of tears and pain along the way.) Undoubtedly his attitude has helped me come to my conclusions and I might feel differently if he had waffled.<P>Still, I think telling was the right thing for several reasons. One was to bring my husband to reality a little bit. My husband was so concerned with his image that he originally justified his actions by telling himself that as long as nobody knew and everything "looked" right, then it was okay for him to "get some on the side." He honestly thought it wouldn't hurt me for him to sleep with another woman/women because I would never find out (childish thinking). I think by telling our family members, it has helped him to see that the affair couldn't be self-contained. He hadn't realized that during the affair he emotionally cut himself off from not only me, but also his children, with unkind behavior and neglect. His affair did impact other people, and it also indicated what kind of person he was: the same kind as everybody else, prone to weakness and selfishness. He wasn't the superman he thought he was; so great, such a hot pilot, such a big earner, so good-looking, that normal rules didn't apply. These are all things he has told me about how he rationalized his affair.<P>In a way, not telling family members, or whoever could give support to the BS, strikes me as a little co-dependent. During counseling, Steve Harley has likened being involved in an affair to "emotional intoxication," a state where you aren't thinking clearly and are making bad choices. To continue that analogy to drinking, if my husband's problem was alcohol, I don't think that helping him keep his drinking a big secret would ultimately help him. Instead, it would just enable him to continue drinking. What if I told some friends that he was drinking and coming home drunk, and then he was angry and said to me "Well, now I'm so humiliated in front of my friends that I think I'll go get drunk!" I think what we're looking at here is a person who just wants to get drunk, and anything or nothing will encourage them to continue. IF I told friends or family that my husband's alcoholism was tearing our marriage apart and my husband in turn retreated further into alcoholism, then I would know that he was determined on that path regardless of my actions, and I would start taking steps to get out of such a toxic marriage.<P>We're talking here about someone who realizes that their actions are unacceptable in the eyes of society or else they wouldn't skulk about secretly, so at some level they must be aware that adultery or drinking or whatever, is wrong. If my husband was so sunk into adultery that he was determined to continue regardless of the widening circle of pain he was causing, I think I would start taking steps to get out of that toxic marriage also.<P>Rose Red<p>[This message has been edited by Rose Red (edited October 03, 2001).]

Hi everyone I told some of my family members but not everyone. My sister in law and my mom know. I couldn't bear to tell my husband's parents what he had done. His mom isn't really well and his father would tell me it was my fault it happened anyways. Don't get me wrong my husbands parents are the best people in the world they would do anything for us but his dad never sees anything to be wrong till it is way too late. I don't have to worry too much about family becuase ours lives 1500 miles away from us and we don't have to see them much. <BR>I told my sister in law because she had been through it with her x husband he cheated on her all the time. She is great she told me if I needed to pack up and leave to come home and we could live with her till I got organized and back on my feet. My mom just said let me know what you need and I can help you out too.<BR>My children on the other hand some know some don't. I have 4 children my oldest son who is 12 knows the whole story. I wouldn't have told him but he was there when I found out and he was very upset with the mess. My other children don't know anything about it they wouldn't understand if I told them and they are too young to deal with it any way.<BR>I think you have to just way out your feelings and think about who you want to tell. I think it needs to be someone who is going to support you and listen to you and not someone who is going to put your husband down too you will do enough of that all by yourself. Also you my forgive your husband and the other person might never do that. Like my dad if he ever found out what happened he would hate my husband forever so I wouldn't even tell him till I made the decision I wanted my husband out of my life for go. <BR>Good Luck!!!

I agree with a lot of the responses on this topic. <P>As soon as I found out about my W's affair, I told my best friend. Soon after I told my brother and my other two close friends. A week after that I told my mom. I told these people for support. I needed them in my time of agony. My brother and my best friend does not want anything to do with her.<BR>My wife does not know about these people knowing.<P>I have been tempted to tell my W's parents this week. I have always wanted to tell them, but figured my W and I might work things out. It's not going that way. <P>I think my wife is slowly but surely poisoning people about me, not telling them about her A, but saying what a bad guy I am, so that down the road she can justify her actions. BTW, I'm not a bad guy, just in a bad situation.<P>Lexxxy - I see your point. The further you are driven away by people knowing, the harder it is to come back. Why would you want too? It would be easier to just go with OM. I can only imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, what I would have to go through. Every time I was with my wife's family, what would they be thinking. Her friends, neighbors, ect. I would not want to show my face around people.<P>Good luck and God Bless<P>P.S - Lexxxy, I enjoy reading your replies. Being a WS, It takes a lot to post here and you are honest with your answers. I read what you have to say to get insight on what my W might be going through. Thank you.<P>Dino

<B>"What if I told some friends that he was drinking and coming home drunk, and then he was angry and said to me "Well, now I'm so humiliated in front of my friends that I think I'll go get drunk!"</B><P>Rose -- how about "well now I'm so humiliated in front of my friends that I'll just disappear from their lives. I can build a new life with OM." Is THAT what you want to accomplish???<P>Look -- I am not advocating this as a way of life. I simply think that there are times in this process where you better consider who and how much to tell. Because there are detrimental effects even if TRUTH IS ON YOUR SIDE.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dino09:<BR><B>I have been tempted to tell my W's parents this week. I have always wanted to tell them, but figured my W and I might work things out. It's not going that way. <BR>......<BR>Dino</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Whoa... hold up! While I tend to overall agree with Lexxy on this topic I can certainly understand the different viewpoint of the BS vs the WS on some of this. But telling W's parents?... no no no no no no! (and no).<P>I'm sorry, but a person's relationship with their own parents, sibs, family members is COMPLETELY personal and private and I don't think ANY spouse has the right to interfere with that relationship, to attempt to cause humiliation or embarassment, to chance ruining inter-family relationships UNLESS they have been invited to so by the spouse. Those relationships are and will be life long, those people are the support team for that spouse. If and when the marriage ends, for the most part the relationships with the spouse's family ends with the exception of big events (weddings of children, etc) (YES, I know that there are exceptions to this generalization! not the point)<P>I just so strongly believe that this is a territory that has no rights being violated. I was infuriated that H chose to share intimate info and details with friends and his family.. but I don't have to ever see them again if I so choose. However, if he had chosen to inform my family, I would have been single a couple of years already.<P>Of course, as always... my humble opinion.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>Rose -- how about "well now I'm so humiliated in front of my friends that I'll just disappear from their lives. I can build a new life with OM." Is THAT what you want to accomplish???</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lexxxy, I guess I can only repeat what I said in that original post: <B>I think what we're looking at here is a person who just wants to get drunk, </B> (or commit adultery) <B>and anything or nothing will encourage them to continue.</B> I think my husband would be fairly unwilling to continue the marriage in the first place if having his friends know the truth made him skitter into the arms of the other woman to hide.<P>I certainly don't feel that I want to go around "outing" WS, but I'm glad I told the people I did because it helped me stay in the marriage. WS aren't the only ones who want to quit the scene of this great misery. My desire to just leave my husband in the wreckage of our marriage was strong, but telling a few sympathetic people helped me hang on.<P>If I had felt that by telling I might make my husband so mad, or so embarrassed, that he wouldn't come back to the marriage, I still think I would've done it, if telling meant helping me deal with the infidelity. Telling just to punish is something else entirely, and NOT what I'm suggesting.<P>Lexxxy, I appreciate that this is a painful subject to you, and I don't want to push or argue with you (though, I admit, that is what I'm doing, isn't it?). I'm sorry you feel ready to give up on the marriage and hope you can find a way to reconcile your situation.<P>Rose Red