<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eyeswideopen:<BR><B>...who was it that predicted I'd be zombie woman today? They were right. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It was I only because of knowing what it feels like...<P>Dear Terrified,<BR>I have been keeping up with your posts, just haven't had a chance to jump in and give you a big hug. You deserve a few right now.<P>I can't tell you how to feel but I can tell you that this fear is your big enemy right now because it will paralyze you into passivity. You have some decisions to make about what direction your life is going. Your H is making all his big plans. Hopefully they will all backfire and he will come running back into your arms. IMHO, I think that's why he doesn't want the news flashing that he has left you. I think he's planning to come back.<P>In the meantime, let him see how well you can float the boat and how much you don't need him to be a whole person. You can do it.<P>OH, and just my thoughts on your feeling shunned by society, I think this is your fearful reaction to what is happening to you--it's causing you to blow things way out of proportion. The doom and gloom is pervading your existence and you have to snap yourself out of its grip! Take control of your life and set some achievable goals, I think it will make you feel better about you for now.<P>Where to start?<P>How about these:<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Take a bath<LI>Put on makeup<LI>Feed the baby<LI>Go to work<LI>Come home<LI>Take the baby for a walk<LI>Go to therapy<LI>Write a letter to my penpal<LI>Clean hall closet<LI>Eat dinner<LI>Eat dessert! <LI>Get that new book by my favorite author</UL><P>Just start with some simple things that will hopefully make you feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of YOUR day.<P>You never know, you may learn to enjoy a little bit of independence after 18 years of living with your H... but it has to start in your mind. Please remind yourself every minute that you are strong enough to endure this and that you can and will survive.

I'm not familiar with the PlanA or PlanB stuff, but it seems to be that aiding and abetting his secret, you are also encouraging his affair big time.<P>You don't have to take an ad out in the newspaper, but golly gee girl, he is forcing you to live a lie, so he can play house with his sweetie.<P>I say (and others, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) let him move out, don't make a fuss about it (I think that's plan b stuff), but calmly help him move his stuff out. Take a storage locker for any stuff of his that he won't take with him...and give him the key (oh yes, and the bill). Just tell him it hurts too much to look at it. Tell him that it can all come back into the house when he wants to be a member of your family again, and have no contact whatsoever with the OW.<P>He has broken your heart already, and while in your pain and misery he is asking you to become a liar, and help him along in his path. Just say NO!!!!<P>He is being very selfish. I do hope that this is just a symptom of his affair, and no attributed to his normal mode. If he is normally so self-centered, maybe you'd be best to just let him go.<P>It hurts me to see how cruel he is being to you. Don't let him continue, please.

Good morning all and thanks, btdt, o, ewo, w2e & J, I didn't sleep much. Just tossed and turned. My H was still home last night. Kind of sad when helping him with packing some dishes. We're now both sad. He kept asking me if I was alright. Everytime he did, the tears streamed. Sorry, couldn't help it. That's all though. Didn't say much. This morning, he asked me again if I was alright. Tears again...he then said, "maybe this is exactly what I need to feel good again, time away from all of you to know what I want."<P>Just sad all around...

Excuse me??? His wife is standing there with tears rum=nning down his face and he says THAT???<P>What a thick London fog your H is in!!!<P>I feel so bad for you, T. I remember the day my H left, and it brings up so amny feelings in me.<P>Why was he still there today? Any explanation?<P>My H also wanted to make love the day he left, and i too refused. I am still glad I did, because i didn't want our last time tinged with all that agony.<P>Hold your head up T, you are very strong, but you are so numb right now, you don't see it.<P>((((((((terrified))))))))))))))<P>Love and healing light,<P>Jacky

T --<BR>You're getting a lot of conflicting advice.<BR>Its gotta be really confusing when you add that to the stuff your H is doing.<P>Just take all the good, from him and from all of us.<P>I stand by what I told you before. I don't think its wise to tell people "why" your H is leaving. Most people here disagree with that.<P>Your daughter is only 2. She's not going to really understand whats going on. I know that you need babysitting help, but I don't think that justifies telling people the details of whats going on.<P>I feel so strongly about this because it so recently happened to me. It was the final blow to our relationship. I refuse to work on it anymore -- no more waffling for me. He can have them all -- family, friends, but he won't have me.<P>

Big hugs going out to you Terrified. One thing I can tell you about his asking "are you alright", is that they really WANT you to be alright. It makes it easier to leave. My H kept telling me throughout his A that he wished I wasn't so sad. He really did because I think he, in his heart, knew it was him making me sad, but he was unable to put my sadness and helping me with that, above his need and desire for OW at the time. You are (woefully) still at somewhat of a beginning in this saga. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Cry all you want to us and in your room once he's gone. Try with all your might to let him think that you ARE alright. Let him go. Let him figure out on his own that HE NEEDS YOU. When I've given my H glimpses of STRENGTH and MOVING ON, those are the times he's wanted to move towards me. Get Dr. James Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough. It helped me sooooo much. Read it, and then read it again. Focus on YOU and your D. I spent the whole time my H was gone focusing on him. I lost me in the process. When my H came home, I spent too much time and energy worrying about how I could please him. Once again, I have lost me. Don't do that to yourself. I am a proponent of Plans A and B, I just wasn't doing it right. Plan A is about YOU. Plan B is about YOU. By making changes in YOU, you can show your H what a wonderful, loving person you can be. My heart goes out to you. All of us here know exactly how you are feeling. Take comfort in that. We are here for you. My prayers for God to hold you are coming out to you now.<P>MOM

Lexxxy is right, you are getting conflicting suggestions. I'm sorry if I contributed to that. I know how tough things are, and how much in shock you are. It's hard to figure out the right thing to do, and at the same time deal with the pain.<P>My suggestion about removing all of his stuff, and telling him to come back when he is ready to be a member of the family again was my suggestion...but I didn't convey that you can do this step gently, and without blame (I think that is Plan B'ish, yes?). But you have to live within your own skin, so you'll have to figure what works best for you...just remember that at this point in time, it's difficult as I'm sure your emotions sway in the breeze, hot and cold, minute by minute...I know that mine did.<P>My heart goes out to you. Be strong! You will be rewarded one way or the other. I find this to be true all the time, and in it's own time.<P>

Glad GQII is up again...really needed to talk tonight. Well, H is sleeping in his apt for the first time tonight. I called in sick today because of a few issues. Stayed home with my D and had a beautiful day. My H was at a late meeting today and I knew his intention was not to come home so I decided to go out with my D and just not come home until D's bedtime. My H called my cell phone from home at about 8 and wondered where I was...sounded like my old loving and concerned H. Then he says, "Would you prefer I leave now before you get home?" I said, "Yes." I came home too to an empty driveway and just felt sad...wondering whether it was the beginning of our end or beginning of our road to recovery. I found a brief note in the kitchen and had to share it with you guys. He hasn't left a note in such a LONG time. It reads, "This is hard for me too but I don't compare it to your pain. Please don't call me on my cell. I really need to be alone tonight. Tell D I love her." Signed it Love H. Hasn't signed "love" since d-day. <P>I'm actually feeling a little relieved that I'm alone too. Sad, yes but realized that I really don't want to deal with his uncertainty anymore. I know I have to be strong but I'm having a real tough time doing that instead of just wanting to disappear.

Dear T,<P>Bad move (on h's part to move out) but good sign. The stuff here may sound conflicting, they are suggestions based on what others have gone through. You know your own situation and the personalities involved. <P>I will tell you though, that until you actually go through it, the advise is different. Remember some are big talkers about leaving their marriage until the time actually comes. Talking and taking the step are like night and day. See the A requires a lot of talking. Then when they gotta follow through they have to talk themselves through it again. After that to help them so more, the WS and OP have to get others to talk them into it (manipulative words and actions to anger the BS and family into kicking them out). Seen that one for myself and H admitted it. <P>The good piece is that he left a kind note and said he loved you. Small step but a good one. <P>Now you need some rest. If you need to talk, let us know. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

Hello O, I'm surprising myself tonight. I don't feel quite as devastated as I felt this morning. Maybe it was because of his call or his note...I don't know. Just to clarify, the note didn't say that he loved me, just signed it "with love". Since d-day, all of his emails have just been signed with his name so this was a welcome change. I guess I'll take it and lock it away in my heart. I'm sure my H won't remember. He forgets everything these days. <P>You sound tired and run down. Are you taking care of yourself?<P>We need you so much so have to keep yourself strong. If you don't, what will happen to the rest of us???<P>HUGS

Forgot to mention a few things in my last post...Lex, I am taking your advice on not saying anything to anyone about the affair and even him moving out. I am going to leave it up my H to be the informer. Hopefully, he'll never want to. I continue to hope.<P>BTDT, Took your advice on how to keep busy. Although I lose my focus most of the time and feel very numb today, I continue to try. I guess it's really one day at a time. I honestly sometimes believe I'm living minute to minute.<P>Good night, MB. I'll pray for all of you and your marriages.

Dearest Terrified,<BR>What an honor and a blessing that you would offer prayers for me while you are going through so much. That is so kind and generous of you and well-received! Thank you! Glad to know that my suggestion was meaningful to you. Sometimes it helps to just get back to the basics and glad to see you are willing to take practical steps toward self care. You are the only "you" we've got!