Pre-Affair History:
I had been married 9 years in 1991. We had not had the "best" of times. I am a talker, and that is one of my emotional NEEDS, to talk things out. After a while, it was as if it was "in one ear and out the other" when I attempted to talk to my husband.<p>Over and over, I would tell him I was unhappy, that I needed him to help me work on our marriage. Many times I felt like it was just me that cared anymore. But I continued persevering, because I am a Christian. I also had very little self esteem, had gained 100 pounds since we had married, and figured I better learn to deal with the misery, cuz no one else would ever have me.<p>In the fall of 1991, I started back to college this time to complete my music degree. During this time I let him know that I wanted out of the marriage, whether it be we just live apart and stay married, or divorced. The last semester before graduation, in 93, I discovered I was pregnant. Some might say, "sounds like you were getting some of your needs met?" (because sexual fulfillment is a need of mine too) BUT, I do not call "wham bam thank you maam" as meeting my sexual desires.<p>So I stayed. I discovered the internet. And a new way to feel better about myself. By this point I had said the "divorce" word to my husband on at least three different occasions. He knew how unhappy I was. He also knew I had been doing everything in MY control to make things work. <p>Yes, I realize I was vulnerable...now. Yes, I take responsibility for what happened. When it all came out, and I couldn't take the guilt anymore, I told my husband, and honestly do want to work things out. But, he also realized his lack of meeting my needs is part of what contributed to my bad decisions. Sometimes when my anger overcomes, I might let him blame himself for a while, but mostly, I will not let him do so. In the long run, no matter what, it was ME that made the decision to sleep with another man. It was ME that broke our wedding vows. <p>There can be things that happen Pre-Affair that contribute or lead up to the situation, but in the long run, all of us, the wayward spouses, have to own up to our decisions. And I will live with that the rest of my life. With every waking moment, I find myself asking God's forgiveness, and with every time I do that, His still small voice comes back to me and says, "I have already forgiven you, you have to forgive yourself and move on" ... so I am working on that.<p>Just remember Ausin, that no matter what, you and the OW are the ones that made the bad decisions.
