Estes,<p>In raising my son, I think that there is a balance to be struck. My work is in finding it.<p>I have seen FAR to many people, wives and otherwise, be doormats in the name of self sacrafice for others.<p>Just as I have no desire to raise a self-seeking [censored], I also have no desire to raise a doormat! I am teaching my son to think of others, to share and to be humble. All while avoiding the martyrdom that is so common among us.<p>To use your example, if there is 1 piece of cake left, ask others if they want it. If more than one person wants it, share. I've been teaching my baby to broker deals since he could crawl. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I am still, after all, me.<p>I honestly don't think that my upbringing was all bad. There are things that could have been done better or more in balance, but I have few regrets.<p>With God's help, he'll be a thoughtful, respectful boy. Considerate of others and able to look out for himself. He'll know the value of self sacrafice as well as the value of self defense. I have been bull dog in the boardroom [good], in the bedroom [ok] and at the dinner table [very bad].<p>I'll empower my child while teaching him to use his power for good instead of evil. I think that too many of us think that if we are empowered that it is evil. And that just isn't so.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by buffy:
<strong>I will say that once since the A has become public its intensity has deteriored considerably.
OW is now living with someone else (also not her husband) but WS has burned so many bridges it may never be possible for him to come home again. <p>I think it's a good sign that your WS never left you for the OW...that implies that he still wanted the marriage enough to try to stay in it...and apparently didn't want the OW relationship enough to get out of the marriage.<p>Faye</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks for your response, Faye. I totally agree with your assessment that once the affair is made public, it's intensity diminishes. During my H's LTA (long term affair), many people told me about their suspicions of the same. I knew he was being unfaithful yet didn't face the music because of many issues that I as being forced to deal with. He is a drug addict and so is the OW. Due to her enabling his addiction and vice versa, he chose to spend time away from home and failed to meet the important criteria that was his responsiblity within the business that we owned. The business went belly-up taking everything and more than what we'd invested over the dozen years prior to its demise. Our home was foreclosed upon and he faced a jail term out-of-state.<p>He and his OW were suspected drug dealers and were placed under surveillance. Sure enough, they both got busted. Her in-state and him out-of-state. He came home under a bond and continued his liason with this woman. Not until he was sentenced a couple years ago did the A fizzle out. Or so I thought. He admitted that they had corresponded in the beginning of his term and that he has not heard from her for nearly a year now. Of course, he admitted this only after he told me about the truth about their relationship (after much prodding from me). I still find it hard to believe that he was involved with a gutter-wench like her. That is an understatement to say the least. And I am not bitter.....just thoroughly disappointed. <p>And, you are right when you state that he did not leave me for her. He was a cakeman...living the life of Riley. He had his wife and kids at home when he felt like be the "family man" and his sweetie in our rental home when he felt like getting "high." I didn't condone his drug use so he did it away from home....with her. Fortunately, he has been clean for over two and a half years. And, he wishes to remain so.<p>He does love me and knows that he has to prove to me that he'll take responsiblity for his role as husband and father when he comes home. Only then will I be able to see whether or not that this marriage is worth saving. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. Especially when there are extreme issues to be resolved. And now we have to contend with him needing to readjust to society.....GEEEEZ!<p>Thanks again for sharing your take on this situation [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</p>

Katie Scarlett, Notheard, Estes49, Still love him, Lor and others.....I'll post after I finish reading the numerous posts on the thread. Thanks for all of your replies and comments. Every little bit helps. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

GeezLouise,<p>I have been thinking about your situation. I can imagine how concerned you are about what will happen when your H comes home. It seems to me that your H's forgetting the OW is less important than his choice to avoid contact with her although they do have a history. He will probably never forget, but he certainly can choose to put his relationship with her behind him and build a new future with you. He can do it if he chooses to. I truly hope this happens for you. You have been through a lot. You deserve better.<p>BTW, how likely is his drug problem to be a continuing problem? What effect will potential illegal activities have on you?<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>BTW, how likely is his drug problem to be a continuing problem? What effect will potential illegal activities have on you?<p>Estes</strong><hr></blockquote><p>God knows how he'll handle his addiction once he back in the "free world" where there are choices. I made it very clear to him that he cannot come back home unless he agrees to counseling.....marriage and drugs. He's agreed that this is necessary for the betterment of our relationship. Of course, me being such a cynic, I'm reading way too much into his agreement. Such as.....why the hell wouldn't he agree to ANYTHING just to get home - or - is he agreeing only to pacify me so that I allow him to get his foot back in the door. All these scenarios are playing in my mind. <p>Under NO circumstances are illegal drugs allowed in my home. I was very lax with him years ago (we've been together 28+ years and married 25 years) and I gave him way too much freedom. And he abused both. I'm no longer the naive wife and have lived on my own for many years before his incarceration. We lived as husband and wife yet I was the only one bringing home the bacon. I feel comfortable by myself and know that I can make a decent living for me and our children with or without him. Yet, I want him in my life and our teenagers need to know that Dad cares enough to change his former lifestyle. If he takes the low road, he can travel alone or with his gutter buddies. He'll not take me down to those depths of despair. I overcame rock bottom and don't relish being there ever again. I'll do everything in my power to live a good, moral life and to set a good example for the kids. <p>Thanks for your support.....it means a lot [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

It's good to see your strength. You will make it regardless of what H decides to do. Credit to you for being willing to continue to work to restore your marriage. You've certainly done more than your share. I hope your H succeeds in changing his ways. It will be wonderful if next year goes as well as you hope.<p>Estes