So here is one for you guys, H (who has been having an EA since May with a co-worker) comes home last Fri. night after a over night business trip and tells me he received an e-mail from the boss stating not only is the company X-mas party out of state, but is mandatory, and no spouses are allowed. All the other employees are, but spouses are not, due to cut backs. When I question him about this in front of the C he gave me a song and dance about not knowing all the info.(which he knew on Fri.) (C appt. was on Tuesday) On the C's sugestion he forwarded me the e-mails. On Friday the e-mail said when, where and how to dress. (I gave him crap on the weekend) The e-mail he received on Monday says no spouses are allowed. This e-mail (along with the Friday e-mail) was not sent by his boss, but by a secretary my H considers as a friend. H had all the info that Fri, but the e-mail didn't come to him till Monday. (are you following this?) The C said it was a "load of bulls*it" I get a feeling I'm being snowed. People have suggested calling work to ask, but I'm not sure how to handle it. OW will be there, and before the e-mails I told H how much I was looking foward to going, and he said he thought it was a bad idea because he thought I would jump OW in the bathroom. Any insight?

Sounds like your counselor is SMART! Sounds alittle too fishy. If it is due to cutbacks, then why would they have it OUT OF STATE! Isn't that costing the COMPANY MONEY to fly everyone out. And of course his FRIEND could send the email upon his asking. Seems like you already know the answer to this. sorry

Sounds like a BIG line of BS to me too!!! I personally would not trust my S in this situation given what you know. (But if you read my recent post you'll see I'm in an anti-WS mood right now).<p>Can you call the spouse of another employee at his work to find out if they were invited or excluded?<p>Can you tell your H you do not trust him and require further believable confirmation?<p>If he's lying about this, it shouldn't be too hard to find out.

Unfortunatly (not a great speller) it's like a tri-state area thing so they aren't flying anybody in. It's not even at a nice place, some sports bar, but to invite clients I don't see how that is keeping costs down, and if it were at some fancey shmancey resturant maybe, but a sports bar come on, what truck does he think I fell off of? The only spouse I talk to occasionally I think is in on the A. Along with other co-workers. I think he has a network of people covering for him. I told him it sounds FOUL but he says it is what it is. After the appt. with the C he says he is going to try to get out of it, but "the guys" are looking foward to him going. Me and a friend thought about driving in to check it out, but I'm not sure I want to do that.

ARPOW,
Watch out for snooping, make sure you could handle the finding. You are snowed alright. I will check in later ... I have to catch Jeffers.

HI ARPOW I must agree with everyone else including your C the story your H is trying to give you about the Christmas party is really lame. Sorry but I don't buy it.
C

bump ... ARPOW ....

I just posted on JFO. I just found out(no pun intended) this weekend, that H has never broken contact with OW. As a matter of fact, it is 6:45 in the morning, and I've been up since H left for work.(6:00) He's probably meeting her for coffee seeing as how the office doesn't open till 8-8:30 and it takes him about an hour to get there...as far as the X-mas party, as it stands right now, he is not going, but he keeps droping hints about how disapointed "the guys" are going to be if he doesn't go. Stay tuned.....

If it is true, the company is really crappy. Stats say that married people make better/more stable employees, take off fewer sick days.<p>It's too bad "the guys" are so dependent on him to make it a good time for them. Y'know that's utter blather. What about you being disappointed?<p>If he really needs to go...he should go to the top boss and ask what it would take to have you there--pay some $$ for a ticket or something. How are the clients getting in? You buy your own drinks at the bar...<p>He could make this work for you to be there if he chose to. Not going is also a good decision. I just went to 2 Xmas parties this past week where the former OW was...it's very stressful and I didn't have much fun, and my H was great.

H told me last night, that he is going to the X-mas party, AND he will probably stay at a male co-workers house overnight, so he won't have to drive home. (did I call that or what) I took the advice of Lor and suggested that because its at a bar that is open to the public, I could go and hang out at the bar with the male co-workers wife (who also wanted to go) and he could bounce back and forth between me, and the party, maybe get a room and make a mini vacation out of it. He said he never thought about that, but maybe it wasn't such a good idea. I asked him if it were reversed and he felt what I was feeling, how he would feel, and he saud he would be angry, and threatened. But yet, as of now, he plans to go. Any thoughts?

Wow Arpow -- wtg!
That was a really good positive solution.<p>And if you H doesn't go for it, I think that tells you something.<p>I'd be present in that restaurant no matter what.<p>When is the party?

This Thursday, if he decides not to be a part of me going, me and a group pf girls plan to make a night of it. Who wouldn't want to paint the city that never sleeps red with people who care about you right?

ARPOW,
The reason I suggested what I did is in the answer you received.<p>"not a good idea" is not the answer of a WS who is trying to put their marriage back together. It doesn't have to mean he is actually planning something for that night...but he is leaving the door open to do so.<p>Go out with your friends. Do not sit home. But also be careful with yourself--don't do anything negative out of revenge or anger.

I agree that he is leaving open the possiblity by spending the night at "a guy's" house.<p>I would also offer to play sober cab for him. Offer to pick him up at the party and bring him home with you. That way he has no opportunity to continue the party later so to speak.

Arpow,<p> I like the positive approach you tried and think Lexxxy advice about play sober cab is also a good next step. I'm sure you can almost bet that your offer will be declined. At that point I think I would straight out ask (nicely) why he is going out of his way to keep you away from this and ask him to come clean when he hem and haws about it. More or less it is what it is and convoluting the real reasons for his decisions is not helping anything or anyone. You as his spouse and a person deserve the truth about where you stand. You may not like what the real story is, but never the less you deserve to know. <p>
HI

So H told me last night that he definatly going, and will be driving and staying over night with male co-worker. My friends and I have planed a road trip. We're not sure if we are actually going into the bar, or just hanging outside to see if H leaves with OW.(who will be there)I know it's not a good idea I do this, but I need to know and H is so sneeky and secretly lately, I can't help but wonder. If it turns out to be nothing, I will sleep like a baby knowing my H actually told the truth for once. redhat told me beware of snooping, if your not ready to deal with what you find. I believe I am ready, I have this burning it my gut that tells me I will find what I suspect. Wish me luck, hopefully me gut is wrong....

ARPOW,<p>If he does w/ OW what are you going to do ?. 99% our gut is correct ... we too close to them to be fooled.

ARPOW,<p>I know exactly how you are feeling.<p>BUT....are you REALLY prepared to possibly see him leaving with the OW?<p>I'm not sure anyone can prepare themselves for something like that. I can remember SEVERAL times that I did things like this thinking that I was prepared....but then found out that I wasn't. Always sent me back to square one.<p>While I agree with everyone else that your WH's story sounds TOO fishy.....are you also ready for the consequences of him finding out that you are snooping? MAJOR LB!....even if he is doing something wrong and knows it. <p>This is one of those situations where no matter what you do.....the outcome isn't going to be to your liking. Been there so many times myself.<p>Exactly what will you do and say if you do find that he leaves with the OW?<p>This is such a tough situation....I would find it hard myself to not snoop.....BUT.....did it ever cross your mind that MAYBE he really DOES think that you would do something at the party like catch her in the restroom and pound her......like I know all us FBS's feel like doing at times. Maybe in his own way this is his way of trying to spare himself the embarassment of that happening?<p>I could be wrong.....and probably am.<p>GOOD LUCK<p>Heather

What if they leave seperatly but plan to meet up at friends house later?

Miss Priss,
I would love to pound her as a scorned woman, but as a mother of two, and as a respectable person, I would hope the urge would, not take me over. Not to mention, wouldn't me FREAKING out make her appear that much more saintly in H's eyes? I'm sure I could surpress the urge. The first thought that came to my mind when asked that same question by a friend, was "Ya know, if this is my reality, do I want a part of it?" (that was the mature thought, than the little cat in me thought) "Ya know, if she thinks she is getting this BIG prize, she is in for a rude awakening." I don't plan on being seen or heard, I'm going to be there strictly as an observer, and maybe take some snap shots of the beautiful city (as I will also be a tourist on this road trip)