I am glad to see that the abuse thing was cleared up. <p>I didn't realize it was common for abused spouses to need an outside person to help them leave a bad situation, but in my case that is exactly what happened. I wasn't strong enough to do it myself...he helped me through the worst of it and gave me the confidence and courage to leave.<p>Without him, I would probably still be there, and for that, I will always have a place in my heart for him.<p>It may be horrible to say, but I am strong enough now to do it on my own, and I no longer NEED him in my life. I don't think I was using him, but in a way I guess I did. The feelings I have for him are real, that I know for certain.<p>I think I am ready to rebuild myself now and move on alone.

Twlight,<p>Welcome to MB. You are an OW but here for the right reasons. MB does help individuals and marriages. So you can gain benefit here. The important piece each person here must bring is a working/good attitude. We all have made mistakes and need the attitude to want to make things right. We can not control the actions and reactions of others but only that of ourselves and those who rely on us (such as our children). <p>With that said and done, you can get assistance in pulling away from your abusive marriage and the OP. However, since it appears that you are in the middle of a double battle here, you have it a bit harder. From what I have 'quickly' read of your story here's my take for what it is worth.<p>1. Change all contact means with the OP (cell phones, e-mail addys, po box removal, pager, voicemail #s, etc.). If he is contacting you at your place of employment, notify your HR on suggestions on how to stop a particular caller from calling. Look into harrassment laws in your area, politely let the OP know that you will be filing charges against him if he does not cease his contact with you. If that does not stop, then carry it out. Strong steps but under the disguise of 'calling to see how you are', many an A has been rekindled. Trust me it is not as innocent as it seems. <p>You need to make this your firm resolve and know that others may think your are bluffing. Vent here ask for support here and from your surroudning support group. You may hit withdrawal periods, prep your support group and use them when it hits. Get to the doctor and discuss options of what to do when anxiety attacks hit and depression. Lots of work here but all for your own good. <p>The MM is not doing anyone any good with continual contact. He needs to go and get his own help. As for you contacting his wife, well while your intentions may be good she may or may not believe you. If someone else can help her, maybe better. Maybe they can soften it by handing her a book like his needs/her needs or somthing similar. If you want to contribute that book to the one that is going to tell her, then you can know you helped in that way. However, what they do with that info from that point on is their business, not yours. <p>Hope this has been helpful. Yes, Twlight all are welcome here, if they have the right attitude. I say that with caution because we just went through the experience of some (Ows) who did not and they are no longer posting here. They might still be reading but their attitude was not condusive with the intentions of this site. <p>L.

Twilight,<p>Well, I normally post on the P/C board here, as that is the situation that I am in. I won't go into details, as it is a very long and drawn out story. <p>I was in your shoes about 2 yrs ago, minus the abuse. I had an A with a MM, which ended about 5-6 months later. I was in such a fog, but did have moments of clarity, during which the xMM would slyly sink his claws in deeper to hold on to me. Of course, if you asked him today, he would most likely deny any of that. It ended when xMM forced me to tell my H what had been happening while he was gone(military), in the hopes that my H would leave me. Of course, this backfired, and I am still w/H 1 1/2 yrs after D-day. I am 100% certain that xMM's W knows of the A, as my H called to talk to her, and ended up talking to xMM's mother. Needless to say, that conversation was interesting to hear(one sided as I wasn't on the phone) Also, xMM got in trouble for assaulting my H and was kicked out, officially on Med discharge, but dropped in rank from the assault, which included the adultry charge. So, I don't think that it could have been kept a secret.<p>Now, for my side of the long drawn out story. My H had also been having an A, with someone that I thought was my friend! He had come to this duty station about 5 months before the kids and I arrived, met this xMW, and the rest is history. I didn't find out until after D-day, when my H decided to come clean about everything. Now, if I had known, or if she had told me, I would have been VERY angry, but thankful that I knew. It would have hurt, but not as badly as it did with the feeling of double betrayal! I didn't know about this site, at that point. My H had been on the board, and had ordered some of the books, but I didn't come to the board until 3 months later. I still would have demanded no contact, and we did change our phone number. I think it would be much better for you to tell MM's W, regardless of how you think she will react! Most W's would want to know, so they can make their own decissions about their M.<p>If you still can't bring yourself to actually do that, take the advice of threatening MM with telling his W if he doesn't leave you alone. But, I ask you, if your M hadn't been abusive, and was savable, and your H had and A, wouldn't you want to know, so you could try to fix the damage? Whether it helps MM and his W or not is in God's hands to decide, but you need to be honest, and end it now, before it ends up even worse. <p>JMHO<p>Tigger4jdt