Hi All - <p>I've posted here before under a different name. My W sees my attention to this forum as a big LB! So I'm trying to cover my tracks....I've been plan Aing BIG TIME for 2 1/2 months. Things are better but no where near good. My EN's are not even close to being met and my W is not even interested in the concept of EN (unless of course I am fulfilling hers). I've never seen her so selfish towards me, yet so giving to others.<p>Here is my question - If I tell my W that I'm unhappy because my love bank is dry and she does little/nothing to make deposits, she will get mad, defensive, and shut down (withdraw). Probably for weeks or months. But if I don't tell her, then my bank will never rise to the level I NEED to keep working my plan A. This makes me want to give up and move on............<p>So far in plan A I have lost 55lbs, quit drinking, given her all my attention (without smothering), and done most of the housework and kid stuff. This is on top of being the vast majority financial provider for the family. I am proud of who I am now, and of who I will be tomorrow. But wothout any more work on her part, I'm afraid that I will start to lose my love for her and start to withdraw my own heart from this relationship so that it won't hurt as much.<p>The pain is too deep and has been there too long. It is weakening my efforts. Is this my sign for plan B?<p>I lknow it's late. Any body sleepless tonight like me?<p>Thanks -

Well, it sounds like you have a decision to make. Your needs vs her attitude. Which one is more stable at the moment? <p>I would vote for gently telling her. I did to my H. I got a better response when I did. Of course I am the giver in my family and he the major taker. <p>I said, I needed to say something and then proceeded to tell him that I felt my needs were not being met and that since he felt I was not meeting his that he would sure understand. I did not wait for him to deny it, just needed to tell him. Gentle matter of fact statement. Then I left for him to ponder. Maybe that style might keep her from trying to tear you to shreds. <p>What do you think?<p>I have to go home since I have been here at work since 8:30am. post and I'll check in a few hours.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Thanks Orchid. I've thought about doing exactly - gently tell her and then leave the state (lol) for a while. Sounds like my best option.<p>Orchid, not to be nosy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , when do you sleep? You are here for so many people. Thank you for being there for me.

Hi Sad ~<p>If your wife is still in contact with OM, then you aren't in recovery. Plan A while an active A is going on is very very difficult. Plan A at this point means you don't ask, you can't ask, for your needs to get met. This is where you focus your Plan A on yourself. What do you need and how can you take care of yourself? Obviously going out and having an affair yourself to get your needs met is not the answer...but there are other outlets and ways to learn how to show yourself respect, dignity and care.<p>This will make you a more independent, less clingy, needy person - and more attractive to boot! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>At the point that your W ends contact and takes positive steps to recover the marriage, then you can approach her about what your needs are.<p>But right now, while she isn't committed, communicating your needs is a LB under selfish demands.<p>Sucks, I know. But theres not much you can do but take care of you and accept that she can't and won't.

Thanks BrambleRose - Your response is certainly the most difficult option I see, but I figured every 'right' option would be the most difficult one.<p>As I concentrate on me, it will look like I'm pulling away from W. Concentrating on me means time with friends, workouts, etc. This is on top of bus. travel of 60% of each week. I know there is no crystal ball, but do you think this is too much 'separation' during Plan A?<p>I'm hoping God gives me the strength to contimur Plan A until Mar. That will be 6 mos. of VERY HARD effort on my part to save this 20 yr. marriage.<p>Right now it's hard to even say 'I love you' since I never hear it from her unless it is a responce to my saying it. Zero recognition of my wt. loss, no alcohol, smiling face, help with house and kids, and affection has emptied me. NO AFFECTION in return for my efforts. That is my #1 EN - Affection. Have not seen it in over 2 years. Although my efforts to repair our M started 3 mos ago.<p>Feeling sad this weekend. I think I will go out tonite to get away. That will give my W a chance to 'chat' w/OM online with me not there. oh boy [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] .........................<p>Thoughts of Plan B are dancing in my head [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks -<p>Sad4ever?

I overheard a '20 something' waitress last night say, "My God, what a f***ing hunk!". That alone helped fill my love bank! Just wish my wife would have been the one saying it [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sad4ever?

WOW, that is nice that you are out getting those compliments.. I think I need a night out on the town.. haven't even tried it.. myself! I do think you are doign right thing to take care of you. made you feel better didn't it? HUGS, HONEY

Sad4ever?,<p>I do not believe that Plan A is meant to be carried out for months and months. It sounds like you have been doing a very good job at it. You have made many changes and are feeling better about yourself. It is very hard to Plan A and have no acknowledgement for all the hard work you are doing. Perhaps part of what is going on with her is that while she sees the changes in you she is not impressed because you did not do them of your own accord before she had the affair. Many WS’s complain about this. And they do not think that the changes are permanent. She may very well be waiting for you to backslide, get angry, start drinking, and go back to what ever else she saw as LB’s in the past.<p>Have you been filling you W’s EN’s? Has she made any comments or changes that lead you to believe that you are? Plan A will only work if you are meeting as many of her needs as she will let you.<p>But you are facing the problem that will arise after some point. Your wife is depleting her account with you. You are slowly falling out of love with her. Have you considered at what point you will go to Plan B (if necessary?). Before you do go to Plan B I think it is very important to tell her of the needs she is not meeting. It is only fair. But do it little at a time. Telling her what you need in a non-love busting manner.<p>As for her not liking you posting here. A spouse cannot tell the other to not get the help they need. I feel very strongly about that. Without support you will fall apart. You will simply need to tell her this. That this site is about you keeping your sanity through her affair and the demise of your marriage. It has nothing to do with anything that would hurt her. And tell her that you intent to continue here. At the same time, to follow the rule of radical honesty you will need to let her come here and see what you are posting.<p>I wish you luck, your situation is a hard one.

Thanks Honey and Zorweb. I appreciate your responses.<p>I may have blown my hopes for the marraige tonite. I decided that I could not live any longer giving all my love and not recieving anything in return. I told my W that in order to preserve my love for her, I would have to leave by March unless she showed me that she wanted to work on our M and showed some level affection. I asked her to not fake it. If she does not feel it then don't show it. I told her one of my (many) indications of her lack of love is that she never says 'I love you' to me. We went to bed for 19 years always saying 'Ilove you'. Tonite there was silence............... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Part of me feels like I blew it. The other part is proud that I TRIED MY HARDEST.<p>God wants me to be happy. I must ask myself if I gave my M every chance I am capable of to get that happiness back. My pride and other emotions tell me I have.<p>I feel like I'm ready to skip Plan B and go for D by Feb. I can't let myself get to the point of hating her by continuing a one sided Plan A and making my bank deeply negative. I still love her. I just don't like her right now.<p>Thanks again for your help everyone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sad4ever?

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