An Update.<p>My H. has moved in with his OW. The kids were up there for a few days before Christmas. He has told his lawyer he isn't living with her. The kids said otherwise. After the older kid left, H. had the little kids call the OW to thank her for the presents. All the kids say he shows no remorse and seems happy.<p>H. parents called on Christmas. FIL became ill at BIL's house from medications he was taking for various things. They called me to inform me of the situation. BIL had also called the other brothers (including H.). H. cancelled his flights and flew to BIL's house and then flew his parents home. Guess he is there now. Both my BIL and MIL said to remember all the good times we have had at Christmas, but that now it is time for me to move on. MIL asked when the divorce would be final...she has been pushing for this to be over. She has seen my H. do this to me and the kids before. This time, she has been advising H. to get a divorce. After being friends for almost 25 years, she has not supported me in this at all---she has been supporting H. She told me she was planning to come in May for my D's graduation. At this point, I don't want them here. I don't think they all realize how this has been devastating to us emotionally and financially. It has been like my life has been pulled out from beneath me. It really hurts. I think as the reality of the situation sinks in...I am getting worse emotionally.<p>How can my H. race home for his family....but not be here for his own? How can he treat me so horribly after I have loved and supported him for 25 years? How can he place his family in this emotional and financial hell---and act like it is nothing. How can his family expect me just to move on? I don't understand. They were all here when I put on his retirement ceremony. They have all seen the love and support we have given him. How can he do this to us? All for a 28 year old bimbo. And this is how our story is going to end. I can't believe how horrible I feel.

(((((MnM)))) im so sorry for your pain it is just so unbearable when the man you love becomes a stranger and does not seem to care.<p>I dont understand how they can just turn away from us, my H is just the same although he has not moved in with OW yet or talked about divorce.<p>The best you can do is make the most of your kids i have found a great deal of comfort from mine, they are upset at their dads behavior.<p>It is so sad but we can do nothing but watch and wait, im so sorry you have to suffer this way.
Im sure your H will regret this one day, i hope its not when its to late.
Take care
Liz

MnM, I'm here, and I'm with you. How can your husband act like Mr. Wonderful to his parents while abandoning his responsibilities to his own family? Because he is deluded. He probably told himself during the event that this proves he IS a wonderful, caring guy. People believe what they want to believe. As for your MIL, sounds like she is suffering from the same problem. Maybe she imagines that if your husband just left the marriage he screwed up, he could start again with a clean slate (somehow...) and again be the son she would be proud of. Complete garbage, of course.<p>You know, MnM, I've kept my husband apprised of your situation, and what makes his eyebrows raise is that your husband has left you with a bunch of bills and no financial support. My H acts like this is truly shameful, while conveniently ignoring the fact that he is just like your husband in one way: unfaithful, which puts your family at risk any way you look at it. See? Deluded.<p>As for your poor broken heart, I'm so sorry. The disillusionment of being treated like dirt by someone who you have loved and supported is so painful it's almost life-threatening. Please remember that you have friends here, and even friends who have blazed a path for you into a happier place. (Not me yet, though I'm trying.)<p>This may be the end of your marriage, but it's also a step along the way for you to a better life. Good things are waiting to happen to you, but they can't come yet until this is past. You will one day look back on this and realize that it was bad, but you won out. You got past it, and now things are much brighter.<p>Much love, and prayers,<p>Rose Red

MnM:<p>I am so sorry to hear about your recent problems. I really think the IL's just can't handle that someone they raised has bad morals & very poor judgement. It's refelection on them. <p>It bothers me that they don't see the damage they cause by turning a blind eye. Sending the wrong messages to their S & their grandchildren.<p>Because of this very same behavior by my IL's I have had to cut off all contact with them. <p>They haven't tried to see anything from my side.<p>It rally stinks & I am so sorry for all you are going through.

Thanks Lizzle and Rose Red,<p>I can't wait for school to start again. This empty time is killing me emotionally. I can't sleep at night, and I wake up thinking about everything.<p>I should be beyond this point by now. I am usually a strong, independent women...but I can't seem to get past this. I seem to be falling further and further into an emotional funk. I have been looking at new town houses to possibly move in to--get rid of the yardwork. Then I get upset because we have a gorgeous house and it will be sad to give it up.<p>My van has broken down again. It is going to be over $1000 and worth putting all that money into it. We had been looking at a new van for over a year--just waiting for H to get off of probation with the airlines. Now, I don't know how I am going to be able to afford one. <p>I don't know how I am going to be able to survive on my teacher's salary. Everything we have will go to pay off the bills we have accumulated. Then what. My oldest daughter has been accepted to the college she wants to go to...but we won't be able to afford it. His actions have affected everything about my life. I really feel like my life is in shambles.<p>It would be different if I was 25 again. It would be easy to go on. But i have 4 kids to raise--4 kids who have lots of hopes and aspirations. I feel like I have nothing left inside of me. People tell me, if my H ever did that I would take him to the cleaners and kick him out. They don't realize that there is no alimony...only child support and that only until they are 18. I do get half of his military retirement--but combined with my teacher's salary is less than what we used to make in 2 weeks--much less a month. My lawyer said I should be happy--most women don't end up with that. Then he rambles on about how he pays $500 and hour for his son to get hockey lessons. <p>I feel like for the first time in my life, I have no control over what happens to me. It is not a good feeling. I know this is affecting my health, I can't get my emotions under control. I try to be happy with the kids--but I am having a hard time even getting through the day. I wish I would see some glimmer of light--but right now I just feel hopeless.

Louser,<p>Thanks for your post. I ,too, think my inlaws have a hard time looking at son's behavior without blaming someone for it.<p>He has always been their number 1 son...so proud of him. Always stood behind him. They know of his problems with alcohol, women and his temper--but he has also been very successful in his career. I think his family problems they want to blame on me. It is so sad. <p>They want me to pick up and move on for the kids sake. They make it seem so easy. How do you give up 25 years of your life. This was supposed to be our time. The kids are finally getting to get out of school, I was supposed to be able to quit work and work with my own children. We were supposed to be able to travel and have a little money for once.<p>I feel like a fool for believing in him. I should have seen this coming. I knew how incredibly cruel he could be--he did this to me 10 years ago when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Why did I still fight for our family. His last affair was the fall before he retired. After that one he swore it would never happen again. He cried and held me. I always wanted to believe him. How could he do this to me again? Oh....there isn't an answer...I know there isn't an answer. I have aged so much over this year. I think of all the times he has put me through something similar to this...and it is not right. I feel like I have been punished for loving and supporting him and raising his kids while he did what he wanted to. I wish I had had an affair. I wish I had left him the first time. Life has to be better than this...but it just seems so bleak.

miserynmissouri,<p>I wish I could say something that would offer you hope - but unfortunately I am in much the same boat, and have been for almost three years now. My H has been unemployed for almost two years, and now pays only a tiny amount of child support. After paying the rent on a tiny house, I have approximately two hundred dollars a month for everything else - food, utilities, gas, etc., etc. I have no idea how I am supposed to support 5 kids on that.

Nellie,
I am sorry for your predicament. It is incredible bad what happens to most women in a divorce situation.<p>I am lucky I am able to work and have a job. Guaranteed it doesn't pay very much.<p>I never thought I would be in this position. I always thought that women and their children are protected in a divorce. My eyes have been opened however. <p>I will keep you and your family in my prayers--good luck....

Dear MnM,<p>I wish there was more to give you than a cyber hug! {{{mnM}}} I am hurting for you.<p>You know,sometimes there is just not anything you can do but honor yourself and acknowledge the hurt. The feeling of betrayal rips at one's heart and soul. The insidious thing about betrayal is that somehow our psyches tempt us to believe that there must be something wrong with us for someone to do this to us. Of course, our mind knows the truth, but betrayal wields a devastating blow to our self-esteem. <p>You are strong, MnM, and you are good. Your H's choices are evil, but he has made them. Aren't you thankful that you do not have to live inside his head and deal with these choices the rest of your life? <p>Am I the only one who hates the phrase "move on"?
What does that mean? Get over it? (Excuse me ) Forget about it? (No way) Pretend it never happened? (It changed your life.) Rebuild you life? (You have to.) "Move on" makes the most difficult thing you have ever had to do seem so trivial. Sorry, my vent. Your in-laws are probably justifying their viewpoint by seeing the D as a way to end the pain. Unfortunately, the effects of D last forever.<p>Thinking of you,
Estes

Thanks Estes,<p>I do hate the phrase "moving on"...it leaves me feeling so empty. <p>And I definitely would hate to be in my H's shoes. I don't know how he lives with himself, though the kids told me he shows no remorse and seems happy with his new life.<p>Just being without the kids would destroy me. He feels ,however, that the kids will heal with time and grow to accept our new ways of life. Maybe he is right. It is hearbreaking to me though. And the kids are so unhappy with his behavior. They don't like having their mom replaced by the girlfriend. <p>His parents just want their son to be happy. Why he couldn't be happy here is beyond me. Friends say "He had so much...how could he give it up"--evidently, it wasn't enough for him. He says that sex is everything in a relationship and he has found his fit in his other relationships. But they don't have kids or responsibilities or household chores....just each other. Will reality ever hit him? I don't think so. We used to have that type of relationship, but career and kids changed our lives.
I am wondering if she is an alcoholic too--how else could she put up with his personality when he has been drinking? Who knows? He thinks she is really a great person...but what type of person gets involved with a married man with 4 kids? Even if he told her all sorts of lies. It doesn't make sense. I sure don't want my kids around them tho...so many issues. <p>Guess you can tell I am not doing well emotionally today. I feel like I have been used and thrown to the wind. I am having a hard time doing anything productive---the holidays have always been such a family time for me. And it just wasn't the same without him here. The kids had fun and helped a lot with everything. They are busy with their lives tho--and I think they are tired of me being in this emotional quagmire. One more week until school starts again....Yea!! Thanks again for your thoughts.

MnM,<p>I am so sorry that you are so unhappy. Have you tried meds? This time last yr when I was starting my 2nd basketcase phase I found St. John's Wart to be helpful. At that time all I was doing was crying.<p>my Stbx has been living with OW since june. She is not suppose to overnight when the boys are there, her parents live close by so this really isn't a problem but from some things the boys have said I think she is staying but not sleeping with STBX. It is not like the boys don't know that their dad lives with her. I haven't said anything yet as I need the money he gives me too much.<p>Your right none of this is fair. I was a SAHM for over 15 yrs while STBX travled the world for business making contacts that he is now using to start his own company. What do I get a little over 1/2 of 41K & a change in livestyle. Of course we are most likely going to war soon, STBX doesn't know this, we are very cordial. <p>I wish you could find the peace that I found. I know you have gone through this before, I haven't. But I have been doing this for 2 yrs & 9 mths now and things do get better. I was happier this Christmas without STBX than was the last 2 wondering if he was calling her or when he stuck out to see her 2 yrs ago.<p>Will I ever get it over this I don't know? Do I still hurt, yeah, it was such a waste. But I have found peace. <p>wishing you peace & joy in 2002

Thanks Sing,<p>It is always good to hear there is hope. I feel so let down. I really loved and supported him. I don't drink, I never had an affair, I 've always worked at least part time-if not full time. And with all of that I have raised these kids. He concentrated on his career, his wants, his needs. He got us into debt way over our heads--always assuring me that we would catch up this year. He got upset when I didn't agree with him--but I have always been my own person. I think that is why he is so "in love" with this OW--she definitely has him up on a pedestal. I read a couple of letters she wrote to him and heard a number of her voice mail messages---nauseating!!<p>I believed in our marriage and our kids. I wanted a normal marriage. The fact that it often wasn't normal was difficult. His other affairs and drinking episodes were horrible. But then he would come back and be great...it is hard to understand.<p>I was going to try meds again a few months ago...but decided not to because He is now going around trying to convince people that I was emotionally unbalanced for 20 years and that is why he had to leave. The people he has told this to know better--but it still hurts that he is saying it. I thought it was a joke the first time I heard it, but I have heard 2 people tell me that now. I don't want to fuel that with me using meds now. Who knows how he is going to try to gain respectability now. The things he has said to his lawyer are outright lies...like he is not living with his girlfriend. I don't know. I may have some St. John's Wort here tho....good idea about that. I do need something to help lift my spirits. I don't know why after all this horrible mess, I still miss him. And to be honest, if he came back--I don't know how I could possibly put all of this behind me this time. I just want my family together. It is just not going to happen--and somehow I have to learn to live with it. That is what hurts.

I'm sorry to say that I am feeling rather negative this evening. Aside from "moving on" here are a few other things from your post that upset me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He feels ,however, that the kids will heal with time and grow to accept our new ways of life. <hr></blockquote> <p>Garbage, total fogese. Pure rationalization on the part of a parent who abandons his children.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>His parents just want their son to be happy. <hr></blockquote><p>I hate the sentence, "I just want <so-and-so> to be happy. As if anyone in an A situation can be happy.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He thinks she is really a great person.. <hr></blockquote> <p>Right. Immoral, dishonorable, and of poor character, possibly alcholic, but otherwise, a great person.. <p>Excuse the vent on your thread, MnM. You say your H is an alcoholic. That really stacks the cards against you, because the illness destroys his ability to make sound decisions. My DIL (my son is BS) is emotionally ill, bipolar disorder and who knows what else. My son can't win in this because DIL is so mixed up she can't cope with herself, much less her A. I suspect it is a matter of time before my S gives up.<p>Oh,yes, I'm a teacher, too. Eighth grade science. And I am definitely NOT ready to go back. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Take care,
Estes

Thanks Estes,<p>It is nice to hear someone who believes the same as I do. This gets so crazy sometimes that I don't know if my thinking is crazy. Does that make sense? It seems like he is getting away with this. When we go through the legal system, I seem to be in the position of defending myself--ie...childrens visitation--support etc. The courts attitude seems to be "poor J...doesn't get to see the kids very often because of his work schedule, he has to pay for his rent and life style also. Doesn't matter that it was his choice to abandon us. He is the one that has been living immorally, he is the one who has the anger control problem, he is the one who has been drinking and driving. None of that matters tho. He comes across as the good looking B-2 pilot who doesn't get to see his kids very often. By the way, he didn't have to take 2 more days off of work...his lawyer said that because of work commitments--he couldn't be at court, while I had to use my personal day and another sick day. My career doesn't matter tho. I am just a teacher. <p>My H. and his family often make me feel like I am dysfunctional because I haven't accepted this and moved on by now.<p>My family is up in arms because they say that he has always had a screw loose and if this doesn't open my eyes...nothing will. They don't understand why I still have feelings for him. I guess it is pretty crazy--especially this time. <p>My lawyer has been down right mean and abusive. I finally brought my friend in to be with me when I have to deal with him. If I had the money, I would change lawyers. I think he is very anti-women--but everyone still says to stay with him because he is good in court. <p>I feel emotionally bruised and battered. I would love to fly to Hawaii and escape for a month or so. I need to find out who I am again....besides being the mother, teacher, and cheer-leader for my husband. You know what, I was happy doing that tho...that is what makes this so very hard and sad. Where do I go now at 47? How do I start over? My options are really limited now. Does it frighten me...definitely. I can't believe he is doing this now. A year ago he was writing me love letters telling me how we were going on cruises and flying to Guam and doing some great scuba diving. I feel like I am really going crazy...how can he do this again? Now, I am the proverbial witch and he was miserable for 20 years. In his last e-mail to me he wrote "I will never apologize for your inabilities. Hopefully, the girls will not grow up like you or they too will cause some male 20 years of hell". I know that is just crazy...but it feels like a knife going into my heart. Why can't I just let it go? It plays over and over in my head...and I can't stop it. Maybe I really am losing it...I feel like that today. Don't even know if this makes sense...I am rambling.
I had better go....I have done nothing but read and post here today. That is kind of sad isn't it? I just keep hoping for a miracle...or someone will give me advice that will either help me get out of this or help me save my marriage. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can do either at this point. I have gotten great advice and comments though--thank you all so much. I guess all I can do is be patient. In the meantime, I have wasted another day of vacation in an emtional self-pity session....I should have been cleaning out closets or something [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
I really wish I was skiing in Colorado or up at our house in upstate NY. If that house had more than 2 bedrooms I would be up there in a heartbeat. It was so much fun skating on Lake Champlain, cross-country skiing on the trails outside of our house, down-hill skiing at Lake Placid and Stowe. My kids refuse to think about moving back up there tho. We have been here for 8 years and they think of this as home. My friends are here now too and they have been so loving, kind and caring. I also have work here. But there is not much to do in MO at this time of year, unless you have money to shop with--which I don't. And it is depressing just sitting in this house. There isn't even anything for the kids to do. No snow for sledding, and it is too cold to go out for long. Now, I really am whining, aren't I? I spoke to the kids about possible options, and I had armed rebellion. I can't even get them to try a new church. So, for now I am stuck here. It is not a bad place, but there is too many memories here. I am looking at this townhouse though. It has 4 bedrooms and is pretty nice. Only a single car garage tho. It has a great room, adn combined dining room. The master bedroom is on the first floor, a fairly small kitchen, but that is ok--mine right now is too large. It will have a finished basement too which would be nice for the kids. We had started finishing our upstairs and downstairs here when H. left. We have all the materials and tools, etc.--just where he left it. My upstairs hallway is still almost impassible because of wallboard and floorboards. It breaks my heart to go up there. We had planned everything--all the rooms, where our exercise equipment would go, the neat windows(they are bought too--just sitting up there). The basement if full of rolls of insulation because he was going to start on that next. Isn't this crazy? It is just bizarre. Through February, he was happy and telling everyone about how the upstairs was going and how we were all helping and making it a family project. He met her in Feb tho and then started the anger explosions, the distancing from me and the kids and finally me finding out about his affair and he left. <p>I am thinking if I can afford this new townhouse, maybe the builder will purchase all the insulation and building materials from me to help lower the cost--probably not. My H also bought tons of tools that are just sitting up there right where he left them. I wish I knew somthing about construction--I would love to finish the room just to spite my H---like putting up the Christmas lights all by myself. My daughter said "I never knew putting up Christmas lights could be so easy...Dad always used to cuss and swear and made it look so hard". That was kind of funny..but sad. Enough..I am rambling. Thanks everyone

Miserynmissouri,<p>I see so many parallels in our stories - a few months before the affair began my H and I were seriously considering buying an old house to fix up - he admitted after he left that at the time he had no plans to leave. Even two days before he left we called our realtor to make an offer on another house. We were married almost 21 years, and I am 48. <p>Btw, I am not sure it was obvious from my prior post, but I do have a job, a professional one, and I am going to grad school. However, my income barely covers the rent, and my H only pays about $200 a month total in child support for the 5 children still at home.

Oh Nellie,<p>I know it is tough. I would love to go back to school--I have lost all my graduate credits--I had over 15 hours because of moves and time. <p>I have taken some hours here--but just to get recertified.<p>Now, I would like to go back to get into a field that would pay better. I am going to have to look into financial help so that I can go back. With one of mine graduating in a year and another in two years, I will have to do something to produce more income.<p>My H is looking at being furloughed either the end of Jan or sometime in Feb. Not a pleasant thought. I don't know what I will do then. I just can't think about it right now. Many of our bills aren't being paid now....so, who knows. That combined with my car breaking down every other week is killing me. This time it is over a thousand dollars. Not fun....for the first time too, I have property taxes due here in MO. I don't where the funds for all of that will come from. Someone tell me I am in a nightmare, and I have just been dreaming...that is what it feels like.

MnM, you do not need a prescription to buy St. John's Wort--nobody needs to know, and it certainly won't show up later to hurt you in court or anything. But it might help you to regain the independence and sense of self you had before last February.<p>Why not just sell your husband's tools to fix the car?<p>Rose Red

Good Idea [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H lent his Truck to oldest daughter since he is on a trip and our van is in the shop.<p>Today, a friend and I went looking at new cars. We both thought at the same time "What if we turned the Bronco in as a trade-in" --the van isn't worth anything and the Bronco would help bring the cost down. Tempting--but I didn't do it.<p>It was interesting tho because the last time he came to pick the little guys up for a visit, he drove his girlfriend's broken down car. Since he is going to do that---what does he need the Bronco for? Probably wouldn't look good in court tho. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I went digging through my cabinates tonight. My H. was really into physical fitness the last couple of years. He was taking all sorts of supplements and protein stuff.<p>I found some St. John's Wort and took one about an hour ago. I hope it helps. It says to take 3 capsules a day. I will start doing that tomorrow. I hope it helps. <p>I was really going to call my doctor tomorrow to say I needed some help. But maybe I will give this a try instead. I will keep you posted.

I am not sure at this point if I can sell anything that is in the house because of the divorce proceedings. <p>He bought tons of new tools before he started the upstairs. He bought a really nice air-compressor and nail gun and other stuff. <p>I wonder if there is some kind of construction course you can take? I am pretty much all thumbs when it comes to that kind of stuff--but maybe that is what I should learn how to do. He has it almost all studded. He has the attic staircase in. He has a little bit more to stud and then put the skylights in and the side window. He has the electrical work to put in and the insulation. One of the attic spaces still needs the floor boards and wall boards put up. But a lot of it is done. Wish I could find someone that would work with me....unfortunately, I don't have any extra money right now. I have been trying to get some of my D's boyfriends to help...but so far no takers. It was supposed to be an entertainment area for the teenagers--to get them out of our great room. I guess that is not incentive enough. <p>I am thinking about volunteering for Habitat for Humanity to learn how to do some of this stuff. They are starting that here this spring. Maybe that will help me finish it myself. My daughter said she would help. Neither one of us know anything about it tho. Maybe that is what I will learn how to do next...who knows?