I know you know this, but perhaps it bears repeating..... if (and I think it likely from his pattern behaviour) your H is a sociopath he is behaving true to form. They are charming, desireable, and make you dependent on them, but they are dangerous to your emotional health. The bimbo may be a bimbo, but she probably isn't a bad person, she is probably someones daughter, someones sister, and is loved and cared about, and believes all your H bullsh*t. What she doesn't realize is how miserable her future is, and that she is squandering her life on a sociopath who will use her and spit her out, who will never love her (cause he is incapable of loving anyone but himself), and she will just be another statistic, another notch, on his belt....hopefully for hersake she will not have children with him. Someone should annonymously (maybe) direct her to this site before it is to late.<p>I read your posts and just feel so helpless, you are far better off without him than with, but it hurts so much, you feel like such a fool, like you wasted your life....but ya know pat, life is a work in progress, you are in a very rough patch, but you can use your trials to walk other as yet unseen paths, try not to miss seeing them in your anger...let him go, really let him go. Something else to keep in mind, your life is not over, you are young enough to have a whole nother life yet...yeah have to watch your health and stuff, but could easily spend 20, 30, 40 more years with a good man who will love you to death. Now you know how to choose wisely, how to be a good mate selector, and if you should find someone, you will love that much harder knowing how hard it is to love.... that may make it all the sweeter...ya know..<p>The single most destructive and identifying characteristic of sociopathic personality disorder types is how they grab our hearts, even when our heads are screaming at us they are bad news. We keep thinking if we just love em enough, give em enough chances, educate them enough etc. etc. they will "transform".....it will never happen, if if could it allready would have....the only way he will come back is if he needs you for awhile, and the danger is you would allow it, even if he stayed (getting old and tired, and needing someone to look after him) he would never love you, he would only be using you. Be thankful he has given you your life back, he has spent his entire adult life behaving like this, he will never change, you made a terrible marital error, compounded by errors as you forgave each time....but now you are free, let him go, you cannot start healing until you do, pretend he is dead if that helps....cooperate, co-parent, even like him, just recognize him for the flawed person he is marriage wise, and be thank-ful you did not suffer through this another 20 years as he turned into a demanding obnoxious old man for you to take care of.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by miserynmissouri:
<strong>Happy New Year Sing,<p>I think that is a good idea about the schedules...it just makes me mad. He wants me to continue doing what I have done for 20 years for him....Yuck!!!<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>think of it as simplefing your life, not helping him,<p>like I told you I send my STBX everything, tell him when he has to be here for things, he is running himself ragged trying to prove to me that he is not going to abandoned our sons, especailly younges (9). 1 of my big agruments was there was no way he stay involved in his life with having to drive & keep OW happy, of course it has only been 6 mths<p>but when he leaves the boys sometimes it looks as if he is about to cry but then because I can still do a few things, I know he is very happy with OW. gag. <p>who knows, I don't care, I spent my 1st happy NYE in over 3 yrs last night, <p>but like I said think about giving him the scheulde as away to simplefy your life, he can't hassel you about it any more. <p>sorry for the spelling but I can see what I am writing<p>Happy New Year, hey it finally has to get better

MIM,<p> I haven't been around lately. I just though that I would say hello to you and hope that things are going well for you. How are you today?<p>Indy

Happy New Year Everyone!!<p>We had a nice quiet evening last night. I spent most of the evening at a good friend's house. They had many of the people I have worked with or been friends with over the years here in this little town. I can't tell you on wonderful everyone has been. The love and support has been incredible. I guess it takes going to something like that to remember that you are loved and liked by people still. It was all couples tho--and that was hard...so I left a little before New Years and came home to celebrate with my daughter and her friends. <p>Now, I need to gather myself together and try to develop a better future for myself and the kids. Thank you all for your incredible support. You have all saved me from myself so many times--especially this week.<p>SNL....thank you. I needed that. I pray that you also find answers this year. <p>Sing...I appreciate the thoughts...sounds like a good idea. My H. also will be run ragged if he has to get the kids to all of their events. It will be interesting.<p>Indy...I think I am doing ok...Still feel incredibly sad...but I am going to go pick up my little kids and go ice skating. It is fun to be able to get outside. Happy New Year..

I read the Dear Ann LAnders letter. I aggravated me so much. My STBXH does try to come toe their games---I don't have a problem with that...until we are divorced he can't bring the tramp...OW around my children either. They do not want to meet her or have a relationship with her. They have told me this and I have informed my H. I will never be friendly with her or talk to her. I am a good person with a good heart. I know that my H is making plans to be with her. She is moving here--not sure when, she might alreayd even be here. My husband has seen the boys not even 2 hrs since Dec. 17th. Phone calls last short minutes. This is a man who was a "hands on Dad", coach...just a goo DAD! I think he is embarrassed and ashamed and doesn't know how to handle this other than BADLY. I hav stopped trying to change it. I haven't said one negative thing since Nov. 19th. Nothing has changed. He travels with other woman---missed Thanksgiving---traveled for Xmas--came back Xmas Day. He saw the kids for an 1 1/2 on Xmas. This was their choice.
My boys are almost 18 and almost 14. They know that he is being a jerk. I know they must miss him as I said, he was a good Dad.
He also has told me he has no doubts about leaving.
I think that if the kids are old enough they can inform of their games or special activities. If he would just ask---I would tell him. He no longer asks....it's like our family (which was great) never happened! We had a great family life.
Thanks for listening ...send the letter to Ann Landers! You can sign it from all of us. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Feeling So Alone:<p>I am so sorry that there is another one of us going through this turmoil.<p>I can empathize with you and your kids. I am looking for the Ann Landers address tomorrow...and off in the mail it goes. <p>Hang in there, I wish you and your kids the best. Keep posting on this site...it really is great and everyone has offered wonderful advice and opinions. <p>I will be praying for you and your family...I know how hard this situation is. Take Care!!

I have always been there for my kids....has he?? Now, I get this sactomonious preaching on how we have to move on for the kids and the kids are the most important thing to consider. He makes me sick<p>HE makes me SICK too, I want to throw up... and you know what... it is just awful... he is crazy crazy crazy! I am sorry you have to listen to this stupid garble.<p>MY H has been saying some of the same things.. and I even got a note from his grandmother in my christmas card, with my big $25 ck.. (usually I would of appreciated the thought)- but this yr... please try to get along and be friends for the children.... that is what you need to do.<p>THANKS< HONEY

One more quickie comment.. a friend of mine... whose parents divorced when she was a child..advised that I do not help my H have a relationship with the kids... let him show his own colors... She says her mom went out of her way for yrs to try to encourage and develop her relationship with her dad.. and she thinks her mom should not of bothered.. she says it was not good for her mom and it is good for the kids to see what the parent is, for exactly who they are... and what they are willing to do to the child... all by their adult self.<p>I agree, just another thought. HONEY

Honey,<p>I sure know that feeling. I guess unless you have been in this postion...it would be hard to understand why the BS doesn't run away from the situation.<p>I don't think they realize that you can't just shut feelings off. I didn't know our marriage was in jeopardy again. I didn't have a clue...except for the fact that he got very tense and had a major blow up with my oldest daughter. That was not a fun night. Anyway, for people to just say...you have to accept it and move on or you have to accept it and move on for the kid's sake---just don't realize how hard that is to do.<p>I need to add too...not only do they expect you to accept it, but you have to be gracious about it, don't get angry or you are classified as vindictive. After the first few weeks you are supposed to be ok with the situation, you should be happy that your life is in shambles, that financially you are dying and your kids--who have always been your primary concern...now have to leave you and go to his apartment so that he can be a part of their lives. Doesn't matter that he is living an immoral lifestyle and has moved in with his OW before the marriage is even over. And if you do express concern or anger or lonliness--you are classified as a mentally disturbed, vindictive, controling b****. Those were my H"s words. This whole thing could be made into a horror show. (Now I sound bitter, don't I [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</p>

Hi MnM, Yes, I know what it is like to be made an a*& of for being the moral one who was faithful and true to the fmaily and marriage.. I'm all for going back to the old days where they stoned adulterers.. you know they still do in some countries... or at least jailed them... I think it is the most horrid insensitive, cruel thing one person can do to another.. right up there with murder charges in my book... and why is there not sanctions for it in the law... because the law was founded by our foreFATHERS< MEN>.. if you get the drift... as%holes... <p>I am sorry my bitterness is showing now too.. but I have been way to nice with letting H see kids, etc... not that I don't need the help now.. but his deal is basically... well, I wasn't happy with you.. so I gotta go... tooo bad, you'll figure the money thing out... you can work.. oh and if you work too much, maybe I should take the kids? OH PLEASE, they are the adultereres who abandoned the family... I'm all for lobbying this great usa for jail sentences to say the lesat... or penalties.. such as strict alimony for adultery,... etc etc vent vent... my 3 yr old is whining and crying in my lap.. so the typos... gotta go...
bye<p>thanks HONEY

Hi MnM, Yes, I know what it is like to be made an a*& of for being the moral one who was faithful and true to the fmaily and marriage.. I'm all for going back to the old days where they stoned adulterers.. you know they still do in some countries... or at least jailed them... I think it is the most horrid insensitive, cruel thing one person can do to another.. right up there with murder charges in my book... and why is there not sanctions for it in the law... because the law was founded by our foreFATHERS< MEN>.. if you get the drift... as%holes... <p>I am sorry my bitterness is showing now too.. but I have been way to nice with letting H see kids, etc... not that I don't need the help now.. but his deal is basically... well, I wasn't happy with you.. so I gotta go... tooo bad, you'll figure the money thing out... you can work.. oh and if you work too much, maybe I should take the kids? OH PLEASE, they are the adultereres who abandoned the family... I'm all for lobbying this great usa for jail sentences to say the lesat... or penalties.. such as strict alimony for adultery,... etc etc vent vent... my 3 yr old is whining and crying in my lap.. so the typos... gotta go...
bye<p>thanks HONEY