I am so glad to see you posting this. I am so happy you can be at this point right now.

So often we become bitter and can't see any good. I probably shouldn't say this, but it kind of proves what I said above. AND, If you can feel this way when many things in your life are not going well, you will be on top of the world when all is well. I believe your faith and hope will be justified, your positive attitude rewarded.

Don't you wish those good thoughts would last through the down days? I haven't figured it out yet either, but someday.........

SS

Hi SS , one thing I find hard is being commended for having faith and hope, for not being bitter and for being 'strong' and patient. I have always felt that I have no choice but to live this way. Oftenit hasn't been a concsious effort but simply a getting on with life in the only way I know. As such it is God at work in me and not what i do myself.

I hope all is well with you and your family.

LIR I hope you to are finding comfort and strength at this time.

Jante

J,
I'll make you a deal.
I will continue to say nice things about you, and you can continue to be humble about it.

When we meet at the judgement bar, I'll ask who is right, and if HE says I am, you have to put a fridge in the shed. If HE says you are, I'll do all the yard work.

Deal?

SS

PS, Humility is very becoming in a person, did I ever tell you that? I like that, it just raises my opinion of you all that much more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

OK, now that I have had my fun, I want to talk to you.

Is there something going on in your life that would cause you to think, or say that you are not doing things right ?

Why are you thinking you were a bad wife and mother? Did you, or are you making much worse mistakes than we all make? Do you think others here are bad wives, or husbands because their H or W is having an A? Spencer got a citation a few weeks ago for criminal mischief, he has to pay a fine. Am I a bad dad? ( he threw eggs at someone's truck with some other boys, and the police caught them.) Perhaps you would need to learn more of me than you know to answer that one, I am just giving examples.

I would really like to know your feelings, I was sincere in what I have said, and I don't think I was over estimating your good qualities. What is going on that you don't want to hear good things said about you? Now I am not saying things the right way, perhaps better this way - what is going on that having nice things said about you makes you uncomfortable? I'm not just trying to be nice, I don't say things I don't mean ( unless I am teasing, and this time, I am not.)

I am trying to be careful how I approach this, but it feels like more is going on here than just the normal feelings of inadequacy we all have. This is not a time for me to read between the lines and be wrong, so I am just asking..........because I care.

Is there anything we need to talk about? Are you having a struggle with something you feel you can't speak about? If I asked the right question in just the right way, is there something you would tell me?
I really don't now very much about very many things, and sometimes I do and say the wrong thing, but please know that I mean well.

SS

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS
I've been playing your questions over in my mind today and trying to understand my own feelings.
You ask
"Is there something going on in your life that would cause you to think, or say that you are not doing things right ?"

No just my own feeling that if i had liked the castle more and dealt with my depression at the time then this would not have happened.

"Why are you thinking you were a bad wife and mother? Did you, or are you making much worse mistakes than we all make? Do you think others here are bad wives, or husbands because their H or W is having an A? Spencer got a citation a few weeks ago for criminal mischief, he has to pay a fine. Am I a bad dad? ( he threw eggs at someone's truck with some other boys, and the police caught them.) Perhaps you would need to learn more of me than you know to answer that one, I am just giving examples"

I actually was at training for Parenting Teenagers facilitators this week, as in the New Year I have to lead such courses with my job. I have realised that I have not been doing too bad at dealing with D and his teenage behaviour. My feelings are more to do with not wanting praising for being somebody I am not rather than for feelings of being a failure. I was trying to get across to you that most of the way I live is done without conscious effort but simply because of the way God has made me and dealt with me over the years. And perhaps humility is part of what he has done in me. For years my H and I were warned that we would not go anywhere in the church because of pride. Now I have lost all ambition to be 'someone' in the church - my only desire now is to be me.

I am trying to be careful how I approach this, but it feels like more is going on here than just the normal feelings of inadequacy we all have. This is not a time for me to read between the lines and be wrong, so I am just asking..........because I care.

I'm not sure that more is going on, as I say its not to do with inadequacy exactly, just wanting to give glory where it belongs, with Jesus and his Holy Spirit.

I know I am not perfect, but also accept that I was not totally to blame for where I am now, I also in my saner moments know I was the best wife I could be at the time and given the circumstances. Thats not to say there were not issues i have had to deal with and had T let me I would have shown him the changes. I just wish now that this was all over and I could start afresh rather than prolonging what has become a long walk of pain.
Jante

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hi J,
I woke early yesterday and I lay in bed and thought for quite some time. Often I plan my day as I think in the pre dawn hours, and I wanted to do two posts yesterday for sure and others if I could. Yours was one of the two I wanted to do for sure, but I did not do it, I did the one and never got back. I started the normal things we do each day and then I wanted to work on the car, and that took me almost the whole day and then we had a birthday party for Laura, our 17 year old, now 18 years old. It being Thanksgiving here, we did not work, but we had celebrated with W's family last Saturday and used yesterday for Laura. So, I never did get back to posting.

I wonder how your boys are, and if you have had any contact with H, and if so, how you feel about it, but I will continue with the same subject from before.

I've been playing your questions over in my mind today and trying to understand my own feelings.
Discussing things with you causes me to examine my feelings also. It has been good for me. I admit that is one of the things I seek to do with you, help you examine your motives, and feelings, and look at other solutions to problems. Often it's not that I expect you to change anything, I believe it will help you to know you did the right thing, or give you faith in your own abilities. Sometimes I do hope you will see other solutions than the regular ones. And you know what? Often you come up with a much better one than I could have ever come up with, and I feel silly for my suggestions. That's part of life, so It doesn't bother me - much.

You ask" Is there something going on in your life that would cause you to think, or say that you are not doing things right ?"No just my own feeling that if i had liked the castle more and dealt with my depression at the time then this would not have happened.
We never know what might have been, do we. One thing I have learned, and you know it also, we can only do what we have the ability and strength to do. Oh, sometimes God grants us ability far beyond our normal strength, but usually we just work with what we have. The main thing is to learn, and do better, and you are doing that.

I actually was at training for Parenting Teenagers facilitators this week, as in the New Year I have to lead such courses with my job. I have realised that I have not been doing too bad at dealing with D and his teenage behaviour.
Yes, I feel you have been doing well. There is one thing I left out about my troubles with Spencer. In our church here, I am in change of the young men's programs for boys ages 12 to 18. I am directly in charge of the 16 to 18 year olds, and I coordinate programs for the other age groups and help them where needed. Sometimes I feel that the other parents will wonder why someone with such a wayward son is in charge of their sons. However, I know I have helped some of the boys, and I know I can make a difference, so I continue. I am right with you in feeling that if we have success we owe God for it, and we can't take the credit. In fact, I have to say you are right in this for I have these same feelings. Any talent we have comes from him, our bodies are made up from the dust of the earth that belongs to him, we breath air, drink water, enjoy food grown in sunshine provided by him etc. How could I take any credit when all that I have and all that I am depends on him.

My feelings are more to do with not wanting praising for being somebody I am not rather than for feelings of being a failure. I was trying to get across to you that most of the way I live is done without conscious effort but simply because of the way God has made me and dealt with me over the years. And perhaps humility is part of what he has done in me.
See, you are right in this. I agree. There were two things I was trying to accomplish with my words about you.

The first one -
We all need to hear what we do right sometimes. Your H should be doing this for you, but he is not. When we doubt, we need someone to pick us up and tell us things will be better. We need to know that even if we make a mistake ( like the castle Levan business) that it is normal for us to learn and grow, and that we all make mistakes. You would also need to hear that even if we sometimes fail to support our spouse it is not normal or right for them to leave us. We can't take the place of a spouse in all these things but we do what we can. Perhaps it would be proper for me to say that I do all I can.

Now I have lost all ambition to be 'someone' in the church - my only desire now is to be me.
I have no desire to be someone either, but I do have a desire to help others ( like I have been helped) and so I do what is asked of me the best I can. You don't need to comment on this one, I think I know your mind on it, I would say I think you do help others when you are able to do it. Should I say God does a good work through you?

I also in my saner moments know I was the best wife I could be at the time and given the circumstances.
Hard to stay in the saner moments?
I believe you were correct in this statement.

That's not to say there were not issues i have had to deal with and had T let me I would have shown him the changes.
Watching you try so hard these long months, It seems to me that this has been one of the most difficult for you, he never gave you a chance, while you gave him many, many chances.

I just wish now that this was all over and I could start afresh rather than prolonging what has become a long walk of pain.
Shoot, sometimes I wish that for ME, and I don't have to deal with near what you do. I had better repent.
OH, J, I wish it were over for you also.

The second one -
When we get to the other side and it is our turn to appear at the bar, there are many things God could possibly say to us. One of them would be " Well done thou good and faithful servant." That is what I wish for you. If he does indeed say that, we will know that much of the credit belongs to him, as discussed before. We will also know that we made some correct choices, and some of the credit belongs to us for doing the right things. I realize we cannot ever say "look at what I did," because we could never do enough on our own to qualify, but we will have to make right choices or he would never say that of us.

When I say I believe you appear to have faith, you are strong etc., I am just trying to say that believe you are on the path that leads to God being able to say " Well Done" to you at some future date. It doesn't mean that you are at the end, it doesn't mean that I believe you are perfect........yet. It means ( to me) that if you continue, someday he will say that of you.

Recap.
So, I believe I agree with you about what you said, but I will probably continue to say that I think he made a pretty good gal when he made you ! ! !

SS

PS, now do you feel like whacking me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS and thanks you correctly interpreted my babblings!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wonder how your boys are, and if you have had any contact with H, and if so, how you feel about it, but I will continue with the same subject from before.

The boys seem to be doing fine. D has not been in trouble in school as far as I am aware- he always says things are going well!
A came to me a week ago and told me that at the end of this season he would be giving up soccer as it stopped him going to church youth group on a Friday night. His friend had told him he should choose his priority. I can't tell you how proud i was of him at that point!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
C is a love as usual- it son nice still having one child who isn't embarrassed at lots of hugs!!!

I have had one phone call this week from T. To discuss C's birthday present, we still purchase birthday and christmas presents for the boys together, and to tell me he had just collected his new car. He also mentioned that there m,ay be a problem with the completion of house sale - that should have taken place today- he hasn't phoned since to let me know what happened so i still don't know if levan is sold or not. D has been trying to contact his dad all night for computer info but as yet has not got an answer. When T came on the phone I responded as i have always done in a chatty way- I wasn't expecting the call and so just naturally answered him.
How do I feel- as if my best friend is out there somewhere and i have lost touch with him!!!

Tom0orrow I have the boys to myself- but elder 2 have plans with friends as its a rare sturday for them, so YS and i ewill go and do fun thigs in preparation for Christmas.

I hope your d enjoyed her special birthday.

Jante

Hi SS and opthers.
I had thought I was fairly detatched from H and his antics. But then this last 24 hours son has been trying to contact dad for a password and has been unable to make contact. As I wanted a bit of advice before going and purchasing anew computer i also tried ringing twice. After second failed attempt I rang how old number on the guess that it might have been reconnected. Spoke to new owner who was very pleasant and informed me H left yesterday before lunch!

Why is this bothering me?
H told me last w/e that he had arranged with new owner that they would overlap, new owner would be allowed in a night early ie fri and H would stay on until Sunday morning.

H then rang in week and said there was a possibilty of delay on the completion of sale.

No contact since- he didn't ring to let me know he had completed and has now 'disappeared'. I'm not sure whether I'm upset because he is unavailable to sons, because he lied to me about when he was leaving, or whether I'm worried about the financial aspect as he hasn't told me the property is sold!! I know i'm being silly, there is probably a very reasonable explanation and H will let me know when he returns to London. Oh I also left a message on the answer machine at OW's and his home!!!!!

Ah well I then went off to take the bull by the horns and make that purchase!!

well H called while I was out buying the new computer.

Question- why does he still feel the need to lie about where he is?

He started by saying that I knew the reception was bad at the castle and he could only get a reception on the battlements. I agreed but then pointed out he wasn't at the castle and hadn't been since yesterday morning. He then excused himself with -"the reception is still bad" I didn't argue. I then asked what was happening about the sale. It seems it is stalled for a few days but as our buyer had begged he had allowed hhim to move his furniture in but as yet was staying thee. I pointed out he was there at the moment which he said yes but hes staying at the hotel at night!! I have to trust that this will all work out!
Oh by the way he eventually told me he was at OW's mums!!! Thats why he hadn't admitted to not being at the castle. I still don't understand why - he knows that I hate him lying more than anything.

Anyway new computer now purchased and up and working!!

Hope you are all well and having a great time.

Jante

Hello jante,

I hope you are feeling better now -

Can you narrow down just why you got upset with him?

Was it - because he was out of contact and unreachable to you and the boys in the event of an emergency?

Or was it because he made himself unavailable to you and you felt personally rejected by this?

Or is it because you sensed, then confirmed that he was being evasive about his whereabouts when you finally did make contact, and the lying was a "trigger" which brought up all the past lying about the affair?

I am not trying to be hard on you at all, but I think you need to ask yourself these questions, and try to answer them to yourself honestly.

You say he lied to you about where he was, and whether or not the sale is complete. Are you afraid that the follow-on is that he will lie to you about how much the castle was sold for?
Are you expecting to receive any financial support from him arising from the sale of the castle, and if so, are you worried that his lying about completion means that he will lie about how much he will give you?

The reason why I am asking these questions is because I am confused as to why it continues to bother you that he lies to you.
You say, "why would he do that - he knows how much I hate it when he lies."

He knows you hate it - and the plain fact is - he still does it, even knowing you hate it. He knows him being with the OW hurts you, and the plain fact is, he still does it, even knowing it hurts you.

The plain and simple fact is that just because you don't like him lying is not going to make any difference to him - he is still going to lie to you. Your not liking it is not going to influence him to change.

Sometimes people lie to "protect" someone they care about from finding out something they know would hurt them. Maybe he didn't want you to know he was with the OW's mother that night. Why? I don't know. Maybe he was sad about losing the castle once and for all and just did NOT want to talk to anyone about it for a couple of days, including you.

I think it was inconsiderate of him to make himself unavailable by phone, since he is a father, and in the event of an emergency, he should be available. But if there had been an emergency, you know that you would have had to, and been able to handle it yourself. You have had to handle a great number of things on your own this last year. Its bitterly unfair that you have had to - but you have coped and done very well.

If, in addition to that, you felt his unavailability to you in a personal way, then yes, you are still very emotionally attached to him, and its a painful reminder that you have not let go, even though his actions - moving out to live with another woman - are clearly telling you that he does not have your happiness at the top of his list. So in a sense, although this is so painful, and I can only imagine what you are going through, it is confirmation that he is not considerate of your feelings, and that he has not changed in his behaviour towards you.

You really need to let go of the desire to change him - he is not going to change until he wants to, and he may never want to.

You sounded in your previous posts like you were finally beginning to detach yourself from the pain he repeatedly causes you. Please try to get back to that place because that is what you need for you to help YOU heal.

BrambleRose had a great thread called Detachment with Love, which I'll try to resurrect for you. I found it very helpful for me.

Please take care - you have so much to offer.

LIR

LIR asked some great questions.
I think I'll just listen for the answers this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
SS

HI LIR and SS.
To try and answer your questions.



Can you narrow down just why you got upset with him?

Was it - because he was out of contact and unreachable to you and the boys in the event of an emergency?

Or was it because he made himself unavailable to you and you felt personally rejected by this?

Or is it because you sensed, then confirmed that he was being evasive about his whereabouts when you finally did make contact, and the lying was a "trigger" which brought up all the past lying about the affair?

Yes
to all three I think. I was concerned in the first place that his boys couldn't contact him to talk to. But also that knowing how upset he had been about the sale he might have been very upset and even had an accident.

You say he lied to you about where he was, and whether or not the sale is complete. Are you afraid that the follow-on is that he will lie to you about how much the castle was sold for?
Are you expecting to receive any financial support from him arising from the sale of the castle, and if so, are you worried that his lying about completion means that he will lie about how much he will give you?
I am not concerned that he will lie about the total amount we get from the sale as the soliciotr is dealing with that and has written authority from H and I to pay me 60% of the balence after fees mortgage etc have been paid. H will get a cheque directly from the new owner for all the furniture we sold him and I do trust him to let me have my share- 40% . I think I was just worried that H was covering something up even though I didn't know what!

The reason why I am asking these questions is because I am confused as to why it continues to bother you that he lies to you.
You say, "why would he do that - he knows how much I hate it when he lies."

To me his continued lying speaks of him wanting to 'protect' me but why should he do that if he feels nothing for me. It awakens mmty doubts again to his real intentions in all this.

He knows you hate it - and the plain fact is - he still does it, even knowing you hate it. He knows him being with the OW hurts you, and the plain fact is, he still does it, even knowing it hurts you.

The plain and simple fact is that just because you don't like him lying is not going to make any difference to him - he is still going to lie to you. Your not liking it is not going to influence him to change.

You really need to let go of the desire to change him - he is not going to change until he wants to, and he may never want to.
I realise this and I am working on it!

You sounded in your previous posts like you were finally beginning to detach yourself from the pain he repeatedly causes you. Please try to get back to that place because that is what you need for you to help YOU heal.



I know LIR and I thought I was there- that was why I was so surprised at my reaction yesterday. That said I was uptight at making the large purchase of a new computer and so may have over reacted because of that. I feel much calmer again today. the truth is I wish I had closure on this one way or another. While we remain married and friends as we do I will still feel some link with him emotionally and expect to be treated as his W at least with respect.

Not sure if any of this helps any of us understand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Jante

Hello, jante -

I hope you didn't take me asking you these questions in the wrong way - I was trying to help you to untangle the muddle of your feelings, not criticizing you for feeling this way. I think if it had been me, I would have felt the same - upset, puzzled, angry at the lies, and yes, although for myself, I am trying to detach from my H's actions, and trying to see more clearly just what part of the responsibility for our marriage breakdown lies with him, yes, I would still get upset, were I to catch him in lies, even knowing he has chosen to "turn away" from his commitment to me.

[bf]Yes to all three I think. I was concerned in the first place that his boys couldn't contact him to talk to. But also that knowing how upset he had been about the sale he might have been very upset and even had an accident.[/bf] I agree wholeheartedly - I would have felt the same. That shows the concern you still have for him. I don't think this concern for his well-being and safety is something you can just switch off. To give you an example, I talked to my mother this weekend. My parents have been divorced for 30 years. My father lives with the "OW". But my father has always had a sixth sense about my father when he is in some kind of physical danger. She gets an anxiety attack - a foreboding feeling. It has happened on numerous occasions, only when he has been in serious danger. This weekend she told me she had one on Friday night - "just for the record", she said "I'don't know what it was about." I talked to my dad last night - apparently at that time on Friday eve, he had taken too much Valium (dr's prescription) for back pain and was woozily wobbling his way to bed. My SM caught him going into the bathroom, where he could easily have slipped on the tile floor and banged his head. Since he is on bloodthinners for a mild stroke 2 months before, he WAS in serious danger - a blow to the head could cause a brain hemorrhage. Point being, my mother and father have been D 30 years, and yet she still KNOWS, is connected to him in some deep way which she really has no control over. Maybe this is a bit too far out for some people, but she tends to look at it philosophically - she was glad SM was there to watch out for him, she knows she is "out of his life" in that way, but she can still pray for him.

[bold]I am not concerned that he will lie about the total amount we get from the sale as the soliciotr is dealing with that and has written authority from H and I to pay me 60% of the balence after fees mortgage etc have been paid. H will get a cheque directly from the new owner for all the furniture we sold him and I do trust him to let me have my share- 40% . I think I was just worried that H was covering something up even though I didn't know what![/bold]
Yes, lying as a way of life does not engender trust or confidence in a person's integrity. "If you cannot be trusted with small things, you cannot be trusted with big things," as the Bible says. I am glad that the settlement is being handled by the solicitors.

[bf]To me his continued lying speaks of him wanting to 'protect' me but why should he do that if he feels nothing for me. It awakens mmty doubts again to his real intentions in all this[/bf]
It's a pretty twisted way to show someone you care about them - I think one always continues to look for "evidence" that one could be wrong about a WS - that he really does "care". The true demonstration of caring would be to show empathy for your feelings, and return to his commitment to his marriage and family.

[bf]I know LIR and I thought I was there- that was why I was so surprised at my reaction yesterday. That said I was uptight at making the large purchase of a new computer and so may have over reacted because of that. I feel much calmer again today. the truth is I wish I had closure on this one way or another. While we remain married and friends as we do I will still feel some link with him emotionally and expect to be treated as his W at least with respect.[/bf]
Yes, I can hear where you are coming from. I, too, feel very strong in myself some days, and feel that I could get along on my own with the boys very well, if we could just move forward and make a move - either separate or heal - but this limbo can be very wearing. And I have days like yesterday when it all gets to me and I feel very low and unloved and feel that it is so unfair - the stark reality of how he has treated me hits me between the eyes and I lose respect for him as a human being. One questions how far one is supposed to go in remaining faithful to someone who has behaved so badly? I don't know the answer to that one - its personal, and different for every person, I guess.

Right now, I'm just trying to concentrate on the positives, as best I can.

I hope you are having a better day today - its getting a little colder down here in the South - but every day is grey and dull - ugh!

Take care,
LIR

Not sure if any of this helps any of us understand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Jante[/QB][/QUOTE]

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

I obviously haven't got the hang of editing with bold face yet!

Sorry!

just use the letter B by itself inside the brackets to begin, and the /b inside them to end the bold. And keep up the good work.

SS

I'm glad you're feeling ready to move on. I can't imagine anything worse than what you are going through. Torture to stand there, holding the torch, while your H lives with OW.

Harley never recommends Plan Aing for a year anyway. All that does is give your WH the impression that he can have it all- friendship and family time with you, while enjoying fun, and no strings attached passion with OW.

The idea is, you plan A for up to 6 months, to give the affair time to die out, and to show your spouse your changes, to reconnect. Plan B is designed to show the WS that he can not have his needs met by you- WS must completely depend on OW for his needs. That usually puts alot of stress on the affair.

You don't have to exactly Plan B at Christmas to get your point across.Let him come up and visit. Let him come over to visit with your sons, and you leave. But in the end, I don't think it will matter. He's had ample opportunity to save his marriage. Look, he broke up with OW#1- and went and found OW#2 rather than come back. Obviously, he doesn't want to.

If you're feeing drawn to another, go for it, Jante. It isn't so easy when you're a single mother. You deserve some happiness in this world. You don't have to carry a torch for some jerk that doesn't even recognize it. You don't have to honor marriage vows that he's been breaking every day for over a year. Remember, God helps those who helps themselves.

Thanks for all your help and comments folks.
I have been pulling back and will continue to do so- though slowly before Christmas and then probably miore clearly after christmas. No news on completion of the sale of Levan but have spoken with the solicitor to confirm where it is at.
I am not finding the prospect of the holiday season at all daunting and am actually looking forward to the possibilty of a couple of days without the children!! I love them but am very tired and ready for a break.

Will continue to talk to you all about my thoughts and any happenings in my life but it is much calmer despite the blip on Saturday!

Jante

I found your description of what happened to be interresting. ( many reasons)
I don't know how it is for those you know that are D'vd but for those that I know, it causes even greater distance for the children. I don't know of any that have access to their father as often as they wish. ( when the father is the one that moves away.)

I am glad you are doing well. Right now I am more worried about LIR than you. ( You should take that as a vote of confidence.) What do you think LIR needs the most right now?

J,
still praying for you all the time.

SS

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi J,

I was thinking about you today, and I wondered if you are still detatached, and running on an even keel. I have no strong feelings about anything you are dong, only felt I needed to check up on you. After thinking, nothing comes to me to ask about the boys. I hope your Mum is doing well. Does she ever come to visit you?

I know you are focused on work, and the boys, and probably getting ready for Christmas. After the things you HAVE to work on, what do you spend most of your energy and thought on?

I wonder if you look foreward to Christmas day or if you will just be glad when it is over and you can move on. I was also wondering.....I don't know, perhaps I wonder too much. It's funny how we come to think of others here as friends even though we don't know much about each other (speaking of the MB group as a whole.) We still seem to care what happens to the people we meet here. I wonder where your mind is taking you now and if your direction is the same. I hope you are still calm, still happy. ( as much as you can be given what is going on in your life.)

Ah well, by now you are probably used to me wondering.

SS

Hi SS
I was thinking about you today, and I wondered if you are still detatached, and running on an even keel. I have no strong feelings about anything you are dong, only felt I needed to check up on you. After thinking, nothing comes to me to ask about the boys.

Thanks for thinking about me. Have been ill and off worlk part of the week and have had the children home ill as well. Only bad colds but quite nasty for 48 hours.

I hope your Mum is doing well. Does she ever come to visit you?

Mum seems to be doing fine and wqill be visiting between christmas and new year. She lives about 100 miles away and so is dependant on me and my sisters for transport.

I know you are focused on work, and the boys, and probably getting ready for Christmas. After the things you HAVE to work on, what do you spend most of your energy and thought on?

Mainly plans for the house at the moment. Sometimes wish I was more spiritually minded but can't honest;ly say I am any more. Partly lack of inspiration in all that is happening!

I wonder if you look foreward to Christmas day or if you will just be glad when it is over and you can move on.

Was looking forward to Christmas Day but have a few reservations. I find it hard to feel very positive to H at the moment. As I told you ealrier the castle sale didn't complete last Friday as it was supposed to.
I rang the solicitor again today only to learn that it will be at least Monday before the money is transferred from purchaser and its still not certain!! She was horrified when I told her that H has let the purchaser have the keys to the property and put his furniture in. H implied he'd discussed it with the solicitor but he hadn't Also he hasn't contacted the solicitor at all this week to check what is happeneing. I was awake till after 2am last night churning all this in my mind and am getting more and more convinced that I need to file for Dv to protect myself and the children financially. H seems to be worse than ever when is comes to safeguarding our finances!
The problem now is that if the money doesn't come through we would have to go to court to get an eviction notice to get purchaser out!! And all because H was in a hurry to go off to spend w/e at OWs mums!

Feeling a bit fraught at the moment and hoping I can keep calm when I see H tomorrow

However have spoken to him topnight after son rang to check details about tomorrow and he seemed surprised that I was cool towards him over it all. He sounded like he felt guilty and that I implied he was up to something which he insists he isn't!

Oh well as Scarlet said-
"Tomorrow is another day"

Jante

Hi folks, well H visited today and I was able to calmly discuss- christmas presents and plans, the sale of the castle and my feelings on his behviour, and on his comment even why I had been upset when he mentioned OW a few weeks ago. With regards to christmas there were no problems we agree over presents splitting the buying etc. He insisted he hadn't told me anything because there was nothing to tell. I did point out that he could have let me know earlier what was going on but that it was the actual straight lies that upset me. He insisted jhe lied because last time he mentione dOW I had got upset. I did pointout he more than mentioned her and that there were reasons why it upset me. I explained them at which point H decided he had to leave.

I wasn't left emotionally upset at all but pleased that everything has been discussed calmly. Will continue to await outcome on sale, and to see how H reacts over other things. He has asked for ideas for presents ofr me for christmas!
Jante