WAT,

Yes she did change the locks. Paranoia and anger reigns sumpreme.

How does this sound:

"Although financially it is your house it is also our home. I feel your decision is very hurtful and selfish. That's not the <WW> I know.

Barring someone from their own home is one of the most hurtful things imaginable. I have every right to be there as much as you do, but I also understand that you need to see me show some responsibility, which I am doing. I am willing to be reasonable to make this as easy as possible. I can be flexible as to the time of day on Wednesday. I hope that you are willing to think about this."

I think that it sets some boundaries w/o LB to much. Thoughts? My guess is at this point I will get absolutley no response. That has been the pattern when reality bites her.

I don't know, Luki.

She will not hear your logic and your preaching, no matter how restrained, will at best, fall on deaf ears and at worst, be an LB.

Try this on: "Let's work this out reasonably. You have personal belongings of mine that I need and I have a limited time within which to obtain them. I can be flexible as to the time of day on Wednesday. I hope that you are willing to think about this. Please let me know. Love, Luki"

She is clearly way out there.Let this be an illustration of how thick the fog can be. Ever argue with a drunk? Yep, pretty much the same, huh?

WAT

Thanks WAT,

Your right, better to vent that off here. I will send something akin to what you suggested.

Luki, when I was going to change the locks on my now FWH, a county deputy sheriff told me that, if our house was his legal address - as in on driver's license, etc., regardless of whose name is on the house title (mine), I could not legally lock him out of the house - that I had to allow him access. Also, I can tell you that, if you have personal belongings in the house and she has changed the locks so that you can no longer freely access them, she is committing what is called constructive conversion which would allow you to recover civil monetary damages from her. I would point all of this out to her in a very nice way and tell her how reasonable and respectful you are being by not exercising your rights.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-14 months
Status: One Day At A Time

BB,

Interesting point. I may be wrong but I think my name is on the title. How do I find that out without asking her? County courthouse records?
Thanks.

Luki, if your name is on the house title, you are REALLY in the driver's seat - that's even better than it just being your legal residence. I assumed when you said that it was her house, financially, that it was hers before you married and only her name was on the title. Do you know whether you are in a community property state? If so, regardless of who made the house payment, everything is split 50/50 unless the parties agree otherwise. Several ways to tell whether your name is on the title -easiest is to search your memory - when you closed on the house, did you sign any of the paperwork? If so, my guess would be that your name is on the title. If you don't remember, you check the records at the County Recorder's office.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-14 months
Status: One Day At A Time

BB,

Thanks. My memory is, how shall we say it, foggy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . It is a 50% chance that i am on the title. I will check into it so I know the score.

All I remember is that there was something said about my name being on the title although we weren't considering my income because of school debt. It was something weird like that. I won't get my hopes up though, because I don't know if that is what actually happened.

Luki- In some states if your not on MORTAGAGE u are not on TITLE.

But if there is a community propery law it is your house 50% just by marriage.

Also it does not matter who pays the bills as long as it was purchased during marriage .

I know your going through alot and everyone is gining u some great advice , but I am confused with what I read and then seeing it applied.

If u don't take charge at some point to show that u have changed and move on with what needs that u have ( like getting your things when u need them) then isn't that being her door mat?
And I understand trying to be comprimsing with her time but she is not giving any real reson why u can't come there is she?

and if u ask why is that a LB ? and if u don't and she don't give u a reson aren't u a doormat?

Basicly if it is because OM might be there well good if she wants that life then she should be forced to show it to u and not be ashamed of it .
I know it would hurt to see him there but if u acted fine then she is forced to see that u are not trying to control her ,and ultimately it is her decision .

There comes a point when no matter how u do it, say it, if u put yuor bounderies down it will always be a LB ?

Happy New Year and Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes 3,

you are are correct. I think I may have to set the boundary and will probably LB by doing so. The thing is, that she defines what a LB is. If I sneeze it is a LB.

I will leave it up to her how bad she wants it to be by giving her plenty of notice before going over.

And I will tread as lightly as possible. We have 3.5 week until the next session so there is time to cool off. I'll be OK.

I'll make the final call tomorrow.

Happy New Year.

Hey Luki, what happened?? Let us know how you're doing buddy. We're concerned.

MTD

Happy New Year to everyone. One thing is certain, this year will be better than the last.

Here is how it went.

12/31/02 Watched a couple movies and rang in the New Year unceremoniously w/ a couple of Weinhards root beers. Sent WW a couple of emails requesting that she set a time for me to come over and pick some stuff up. Of course, I got no reply.

1/1/03 Packed up and headed over to the new place. The ILs were kind enough to help move stuff with their pick-up. Had a couple of friends help out as well.

It came time to call her and say that I needed to come over. WW said that it would be to disruptive. I could hear that there were people around. There is this “new” set of friends she has. These are people that she knew from high school but never really hung around, but all of a sudden they are best buddies. This is the circle in which the OM resides. Typical WS behavior, I know. Any way I kept my cool when talking to her and I let her know that it was unacceptable for her to lock me out of the house. She denied that she had locked me out!!!! I kept driving that point home, that this was unacceptable. It ended with her hanging up on me. My friends (her friends too) and the ILs heard the whole thing. They are so disappointed in her.

So, I had decided to take the high road and wait till today to get some stuff. I was very angry at this point when she called back. She said my tirade on the phone had scared everyone off. Can you believe that load of caca??!! I said “forget it, I will come over to tomorrow” and hung up. After discussing this with my friends I decided to call her back and take her up on her offer. I would just go over and get a bed to sleep on and leave. In and out, no R talk. When I called her back, the story changed to, she could not understand why I changed my mind, because she has changed her plans so I could come over. A complete 180 from before. She sounded a little shaken. So I went over and got my bed w/ a minimal exchange on her reasoning.

I am going to get some more stuff tonight. This time I am thinking about setting a boundary. I want to tell her that it is unacceptable for me to be locked out, that I have as much right to be there as her, and I can come and go as I please. She can either give me a key of I can have one made. That is up to her. I’m sure she will think that I am trying to control her etc. But, really this is a matter of someone being locked out of their home. I think that this is a good time to set this boundary because I am out on my own and she has no lame excuses anymore. Thoughts?

Hi Luki,

Yes, you are legally in your boundaries AS LONG as you are on the DEED to the house. Legally she CAN NOT lock you out of the house.

I recommend that you set this boundary quickly and also consult an attourney to find out what your responsibilities are to the mortgage and household. The reason I say this is that if you just 'Let it go', she could nail you for property abandonment.

Work from intellegence, not emoition. It will benefit you more in the long run.....

By the way. Happy New Year.

Luki - Yes, this is a perfect time to set this boundary. About the legalities, though, I know nothing so take advice from Kily, WAT and others.

She might question why you need to "come and go as you please" since you have your own place now. Are you going to give her a key to your place?

Just to get you thinking....
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, you are legally in your boundaries AS LONG as you are on the DEED to the house. Legally she CAN NOT lock you out of the house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think even if I am not on the deed, it is still considered maritial property and it is my legal residence. I can't believe I have to go to these lengths. This is a very sad situation. I am going to check on the status of the deed today. Thanks kily.

DB, yes, I am going to give her a key. I do this not only on pricipal but also because it keeps me from starting a secret life. I recognize that I am a prime candidate for an A of my own. Daylight is the best vaccination I can think of. I also plan to moonlight doing some programming work to keep me out of trouble.

I am revising my statement to my W about the locks.

It will go something like this.

"I am glad you got deadbolts and changed the lock setting from the master key. I am worried about you being here alone. My key no longer works, and I need one that does."

If she resists and I'm sure she will, then:

"You said yesterday that you were not locking me out."

Further resistance will follow to which I will respond:

"Please think about what I am saying. We can talk about it later."

That will give me time to get my ducks in a row as far as legal rights etc..

Sound good?

Luki -

Sounds like a good plan A and reverse babble effect!

Good Luck.

The good news:

I was able to pick up some stuff, mostly computer stuff and a few odds and ends w/ minimal complaining from WW.

As I stated in my last post, I asked for a new key to our home. She didn’t blow up and said, “Maybe later”. I responded, “We can talk about that tomorrow”. I have to get some more stuff tomorrow.

The bad news:

OM called while I was there. WW had phone right beside her so I was not able to answer.

Summary

This next time period is critical. I must stay in plan A and continue to work on me and have her notice this. She has no more excuses and I must not LB, unless I am setting boundaries. I will follow this course until I believe that I have done all I can. Then I will move home regardless of the outcome. I get my internet hooked up tomorrow so I will be able to post more often. Just what you guys need! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 09:04 AM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Then I will move home regardless of the outcome. I get my internet hooked up tomorrow so I will be able to post more often. Just what you guys need!

Why Luki, I do believe we've succeeded in turning you into one of us, you little junkie you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . So you are moving back home? Keep us up pal. We need our fix you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MTD