Jen,

First, sorry about the name thing. I never would have commented on that if I had thought it were an issue. I understand and offer my sincere apologies.

Second, you are right that things seem to be coming to a head. Yes, it is true that the FWS has much work to do in the rebuilding process, however, what your husband is doing is not rebuilding. If the way the relationship is for him now helps him regain confidence as a man fine but that is a singular pursuit. Your relationship is not about only his healing or only your healing but a mutual process. The way things are now he is just in denial about everything...the past state of your marriage, the positive changes in you, and the negative changes in himself. He is living in moments, compartmentalizing his pain. He drinks to be numb, he is intimate with you to escape, otherwise he goes through the motions of daily life. I think everyone agrees including yourself that the way your being treated is no good for either of you. In time what he is doing to you will haunt him regardless of how justified he thinks he is now. No one can knowingly emotionally scar another human being time and again and not be affected by it.

Now I am 100% supportive of being mature and honest about what got you to this point...not excuses, reasons. But I do think it is important to communicate that you do not expect him to bring flowers or leave you love notes (at this point) but you do expect the courtesy he would offer even a stranger. No name calling, no hanging up mid-sentence, etc. The BS never wants to feel like they are not entitled to their rage however, it is not healthy for either party to wallow in self-pity or hatred. I think it would be positive to express that you understand there may be triggers or bad days that make him moody or mean-spirited but as adults working on a functioning relationship it is a priority to be honest about the resurrgance of dark feelings without being hateful.

Offering him entitlement to his feelings but making him accountable for his behavior is the most positive thing you can do for him as a person. Believe me there are time as a BS I will have moments where I feel like I am living in a surreal nightmare...how could this happen to me? And I look at my husband and I want to say look at what you have done to me...early on that is the most prevelant response to triggers. But making him feel bad only made me feel worse. It was a viscious cycle because I wasnt sorry, I was even more angry that he turned me into a person with no compassion. Then I stopped and thought he wasnt doing that to me. I was allowing myself to wallow in selfpity. I chose to punish him. And I chose to stop because I realized he punishes himself everyday. Now I hate that he does because I know he has changed.

There are still times in my marriage that I cannot offer love...triggers come up and I still five years later become emotionally drained but the big difference is I dont inflict hate. We just get through it together.

Zoey is tough and I am so sorry things have turned this way for her. It is true there are people who can never get over it. They choose to make their life painful and pitiful. Clearly understand that just as you chose to go outside of your marriage your husband is choosing his course of action now. Nothing you did, nothing you will do affects his free will. He reacts just as you did to the events around him. It is HIS choice to behave this way.

I know you are frightened to risk the possibility of what could be...I learned a long time ago there is no what could be; there is only what is.

Plan A/Plan B are not about making all the right choices so the spouse will inevitably make a certain choice. However it is all about creating an atmosphere where certain choices are more palitable than others and that bad choices do come with consequences. There is no magic formula or completely perfect plan.

I am sure I sound like a broken record but you know him better than anyone...you know him. YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You know what that means now. You know what it means to you. If it does not mean that to him let him choose to alter the situation. I told myself along time ago: If you don't like getting walked all over get up off the floor.
You fear not having the possibility of him, and I understand, I know that fear. I took horrific treatment for years...nothing I did, said, hoped, or feared changed him. I changed. It literally took me years. You have more strength than I. You have changed too Jen. This is my pep talk. I wish you so much success and happiness. He needs to know before the man he once was despises the man he is becoming.

Whatever you decide you have support here.

ayslyne