<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
Your right, I do see things in my situation when I post with others. It helps me get a better understanding sometimes. And YOU have been a tremendous help. I only hope my wife comes around before I end up like your X. If you don't mind me asking when was it that he turned so cold?

Sounds like you guys keep taking baby steps; that's very good. My opinion stays the same; he's struggling with emotion and reason right now. Just keep doing what your doing, you'll make a difference one way or the other.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Calm down. This is just a bump. You were away from him for more than 6 months right? So give him the same time to adjust to the new you. At 6 months in a normal recovery the BS often starts to show anger. Why? I don't know, but the popular speculation is that at that point they know the relationship is probably going to make it and they need to let stuff out.

In your case it is different. I hope you read what I posted to MM. You will get an OPPORTUNITY as well. It may come in the form of someone else if your exBF decides to continue with his GF, or it may come with him. Please recall he had issues before all of this started, and all of this surely didn't help.

I suspect you are seeing/hearing some of his own internal struggles that really have less to do with you, than with him. He may find it convenient to vent AT you, but my bet is that he is struggling within himself. Let's face it, if he could magically forget everything that happened, he would have to be a different person to deal with you now. Your changes are going to force him to change from the man he was before all of this blew up. He may not be ready for that and may not be able to handle it.

We all grow at different rates and in different ways. There is no doubt you are growing rapidly right now. It probably scares him and also forces him to look at himself.

So have faith. The changes you are making are for you and for the rest of your life. They really are not for him.

Must go.

JL

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily Hello. You will move much closer, much quicker to the end of your trial when you move back in. It will definitely show that you are 100% commited to working towards restoration. I think sometimes-heck MOST times we allow for lifes eveyday rythum to keep the message of exactly how we feel and where we are with ourselves from being CLEARLY demonstrated to the other person. Kily, I believe you are now strong enough, odly enough by the process of humbly accepting who you are, to take this step. If you beg someone to believe that you've changed, ecspecially if you have given reason not to trust, they will inevitably be skeptical and pull back. If you demonstrate your new self through "letting go" not LBing and every now and then showing them-their interest is peaked. BUT. It will truly require you to live everyday with them, allow them to see the changes and benefit from them-this is the only way to ensure an ongoing trust. Do not worry about the obstacles that I'm sure seem so big, look rather to the opportunity. Proceed in a quietly confident manner and the rest WILL take care of itself--not might-WILL. I believe you are strong enough now to handle the answer that this move will lead to. By the way, when do you think would be the best time to begin the rest of your life free from guilt, free to show your love--accepted or not, to really begin to live-maybe for the first time. I thought so. God Bless.

I am ready to move in and have him hate me and blame me for everything.
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OK, multi part question.
1) Is HE willing to let you move back in?
2) Are you sure this is what you want? This seems like a big step you say your willing to take. Honestly, I can’t give any advise other than make sure you are ready to weather the storm before you jump on the boat. You are going to encounter some KILLER waves along the way.

Are you sure you (or him for that matter) don’t need some more time? Again, just me throwing some things out, but I see the key as him giving you some sort of sign that he’s ready for that.

kily,

You have given me some good advice, so I feel I owe it you to return the favor, though I don't know how "good" this advice is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

If you are 100% willing to force a resolution AND don't care either way, then do it. As you know, I am not in that place yet.

Your are nearly a EE so you will understand when I say that the "AND" is the key to following this path, so to speak. See what I am saying?

m_t_d said it best in my most recent thread about "betting the house". Are you willing to do that?

Thoughts?

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily Are you reading my posts? I would like to speak to directly. If you are comfortable with this, tell me how to do this-I am not very site savvy. (As if you couldn't tell)

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I'm ready to accept it either way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you can take the words "I guess" out of there I am with you 100%. You know what's right for you. Hope for the best, expect the worst, right? Take care.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Is it spring fever over at your place? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am not sure about the moving in. But, I think you are right being in daily contact with him would help.

I guess my feeling is: If you feel this strongly about it and you are aware of the possible consequences and are willing to accept them, then... go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Kily,
Oh Kily, I read your thread to JL. I hope that doesn't make me an 'eavesdropper'. I feel very , very sad for you. I don't have much to say at this point, not at all. I have no words of wisdom, except that you've certainly tried hard. Please take care of yourself. But--remember, a ring is different than a marriage. This too, in time, may pass--with this woman.

Take care,
H_P

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
My heart and prayers go out to you; I truly fear the emotions and steps you are going through now. I have been praying for you all weekend.
Now, I want to say a few things, maybe I'll be off, but this is how I feel. I agree with JL that your X is/was so angry because he is questioning his decision. I agree with you that this is a rebound and he is clinging to something. I also agree that this will probably not work.
With that said, your anger is an emotional defense. He has hurt you, extremely bad, you are responding with the only thing you can do to protect yourself. Now, here I risk putting my foot in my mouth, but this is what I see and I feel that I have to say it. If you can, step back and look at the situation. You are responding with ANGER, the same way your X has been responding with ANGER. He reached out to you (McDonalds) and you shut him down, the same way you have been reaching out to him and he's been shutting you down.
I'm not saying you should keep kissing his butt, but just look at the similarities. I think your right in seeing your lawyer, and you have to do what's best for you and for your son. But, remember how you felt just last week; you were ready to marry this man but today you could bury him. Maybe it's time for plan B, before he completely drains your LB.
Again, I feel SO much for you right now. YOU WILL make it through this; it is only a ripple in the pond. YOU ARE STRONG. If you weren't you wouldn't have made it this far. Focus and try to vent your anger somewhere other than at X, that will not be healthy.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
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What should I do? I can't control it and there's nothing that I can do to change the course of things.....but I also can't live for dreams anymore.
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Again, I’m VERY new at this, and not as versed on MB principles as many others. But, it sounds like you’ve answered your own question. Your last post sounded a lot calmer, more in control, that’s where you need to be. I understand your desire to speak with OW, after all your son is involved in this. Have you told him what you want to talk to her about? Maybe that would help, maybe not. If he won’t agree to let you speak with her alone, will he be willing to be there when you speak with her? Again, if someone else is going to be in your son’s life it would seem to me that the 3 of you should sit down and come up with some type of plan for him. Again, I don’t know, I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

Back to what you are going to do now; do you plan on continuing your plan A, or are you going to move on to plan B? I sent you an e-mail earlier, hope you don’t mind.