I just went to my H. apt, he had my keys. When I got there he tried to push me away from the door and I knew she was there, I went in, she must have been in the bedroom, he was acting like be quiet, and I was pissed. So I just said give me my keys and left. Drove like a maniac, didn't really care what happened. Do they ever understand how much they hurt us? I just can't believe the cruelty. I knew he went to her house alot but not that she spent the night at his place. Should it matter? Yes it does, because we've been in bed together there. Also the other day he told me he feels guilty because he is lying to her and if he has sex with me he feels guilty. Am I a complete moron or what???? Why do I put up with this bullsh**!! I hate myself. I can't stand my life and I just want out. I can't take any more. If there is anyone out there please respond, I'm losing it.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: day by day ]</small>

<<<<BUMP>>>>> Please!!

Dear DbD,

Yes you have a right to be hurt but you also have a right to keep yourself from further hurt. Has she violated your bed? Yes, it only has to happen once. Has he? Yes many times.

Now who is the one making the pain? My WS did the same thing. Telling me he wanted to come home yet doing the A dance over and over again.

What I did to lesson my pain was change my concentration point. From focusing on their A acts to seeing how I could get them to LB from afar.... great game. Takes a while to learn the rules but when you find that right button..... just like playing Ms Pac-man!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

The only problem is this OW doesn't know anything about his other affair, she just knows we are seperated and he might see me once in a while. So she doesn't really know what is going on or has gone on so once again I am at the unfair advantage. He's telling me the "truth" now about what is going on so that should make me happy, because after all, that is what I wanted from him is absolute honesty. And now he will be mad at me because I LB'd big timeand I don't really care. I've been doing all the work and getting crumbs in return. And if you read this M.H. then please respond. Don't be afraid, maybe something good could come of it- we could both be criticized for the things we are doing wrong. I just have a hard time believing he really is telling me the truth at all and if he isn't why put me thru this? I just don't get it.

Don't let him take your RO policy into the FOG!

Instead tell him the honesty part still needs a bit tweeking but you will take him to the next level. His next challenge will be to satisfy another of your boundaries.... do you know what that is?

L.

I am dbd's H. What dbd has said is true...the OW has spent time at my apt. My W however assumes that since the OW is there, that we are in bed, or she is spending the night. This is not true. We were only watching a movie, when my W stopped in. I have admitted my wrongdoings and am still violating my marital vows. My W had told me that there were certain things that were important to her. Lying to her was at or near the top of her list. She told me that she didn't care if I lied to the OW, implying the OW didn't deserve the truth, since she was sleeping with a married man. I stopped lying to my W, even when it was painful. I stated to her that she should always call me first, instead of putting herslf through more pain. My attitude was that I was tired of living a lie, I didn't want to lie to anyone anymore. Why is this so hard to understand, DBD?
It's all a part of getting out of the fog. Another thing my W left out was setting a time for ending my current A. I had given her a date of Feb 1....it is before our 25th anniversary. I thought this would give her some peace of mind. I have been going though medical problems (back pain and depression) and wanted to be able to cope and think more clearly, once that date was here....
Another problem we have is that my W doesnt seem to think of me as an equal partner as far as finances go. She thinks it is a burden to balence the checkbook. She works 15 hrs a week....I work 40 min....always have. I take out a minimum amt of money for my own needs, and she takes the rest. My family has not been forced to curtail spending as I have. I have ALWAYS seen to it that they have been provided for. Yet she doesnt see fit to consult me when it comes to her spending. She has gotten credit cards in her own name, based on my earnings, without consulting me....and I am (by far) the major wage-earner. Our youngest child is 18 yrs old, and she has not aggressively tried to help by finding full time work. I guess I say this because I've felt taken advantage of in this respect. She thinks that I don't respect her because she isn't a "career woman", which is nonsense. My opinion is that at age 44 with no minor children, she could have taken some of the pressure off me by trying to get full time work....even 30 hours would be great.
Lastly I spent Christmas eve and Christmas Day with my W. I stayed overnight and in the same bed. I bought her a nice pendant necklace and she bought me a nice leather jacket. I thought she would be happy with that. She, however was angry with me that I had to leave at suppertime. I made the OW furious that I wasn't w/ her, but I dealt with it by lying again. I didn't buy ANYTHING for the OW or her kids etc...I spent all the money I had on my W.
I am not making excuses for my immoral actions, past or present. I am working on the future. I AM seeing a couselor, I AM willing to take the meds. I did stop lying to my W, and I did set a date for ending the affair, and I have been 100% honest with my own counselor, who has seen notable progress.
Sometimes it seems the more I try to improve, the more the bar is being raised. I guess I just don't know how high I can jump right now, but my legs are getting stronger.
DBD...I am trying and you KNOW that I have made progress. We all need to work on ourselves a bit...we are all works in progress...

Needtofix

ughhh ugghhh ugghhhh...

Ok now i got that out of my system...let me say welcome here....and I know that you have taken a great risk in posting here...and that is admirable....also know and be ready...shields up as they say....as people who are hurting may have a difficult time with you posting here...but I encourage you to do so...

Ofcourse betrayed spouses assume the worst...it becomes almost an automatic defense mechanism...assume the worst...and then if "it" pans out to be true...hopefully it won't hurt as much since thep pain has been visited already in the mind...

In reality...just sharing a movie can does might should hurt just as much as sharing a bed...in the end it all just the same....it hurts....

One thing that doesn't get discussed much here and perhaps should..is the shifts of power that occur between married people when infidelity enters the picture...

Realize that this often puts the Betrayed spouse in a unwanted postition of perceived power and sometimes perfection...Wayward spouse is "all bad"...Betrayed spouse is "all good"...

none of that is true...but it sometimes appear to be so...and both partners are in a sea of turmoil...Perhaps it would be helpful in understanding that your wife who may come accross as just making demand after demand..did not choose to in this postition...and as most abhores the thought of even having to make demands on a spouse....

You speak of not feeling like an equal partner...yet you took a huge detour that moves you the farthest distance possible from that goal..

you can't be equal partners...until you become just the two of you...don't put the cart before the horse...as long as there is another woman...there is no equality...logically it is impossible....

I don't think gifts make betrayed spouses happy...and no real brownie points on not buying some other people gifts...
real gifts of love are those that are actions that speak of love, respect, and cherishing...

I don't want to scare you away needtofixme...I beg you to keep posting....but in reality the future is NOW..TODAY...this MINUTE...not a date on the calender...

ugghh ugghhh uggh...this hurts to post...because I know you hurt as well....but you and I and all of us can learn from eachother....

luck to you
ARK

dbd-

As I read your post and finally the profile you have of your situation, immediately thought of ME...WH! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It's a twisted, cold hearted reminder now and again to see BS's profile identical situations to ours...It's only a truly repentant heart that can liberate US from our situation. I have been in my own apt. since May '02 and have not had ANY OW at my grib during this time...don't plan on it either...only after my dv will I even contemplate having another woman in my life as I still have great love for my W...my time is spent on healing me!
I have christian friends that have attempted to hook up companionship for me, but have declined as I know time spent w/ OW even as companions will only derail me from my goal from becoming whole...something that has eluded me most of my life!

dbd- From this I would like you to take with you the notion of WORKING ON YOURSELF...become a better person for the sake of you and kids...I see they are older but they will benefit from the fruits of your growth!

Gods Blessings!

In Christ's Name!
<><

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: catch22222 ]</small>

day by day,

Are you OK? just checking up on you....
hope you are feeling better...
ARK

<<<bump>>>> Orchid, anybody out there, some advice please.

DBD,
Please e-mail me I think that I can help you understand some thing. My e-mail address is sjmac@yahoo.com.

Thanks everyone, ARK, yes I am ok. Just very hurt, which may sound stupid since I know he is still seeing her, but when you actually know that person is there and you are there too, OMG, the pain is undescribable. It just makes it more real if you know what I mean. SJmac1 I will e-mail you, I am watching my granddaughter so it might be a bit. thanks. DBD

dyd,

I just saw your thread. Wow. Your H is posting? Well that is a postive sign. Painful but positive.

Ok you 2, let's see what we can do to help, ok?

Mr. N2fm,
Welcome to MB. Thanks for posting your side of the story. I still have some questions but understand they are just questions based on what you have written. Not meant to flame or anything.

I certainly appreciate your posting and we are interested in helping the both of you.

You know 1 thing your sitch makes me wonder.....if you are so negligent to the OW, why is she still hanging around? Just a question...

L.

Thanks, Orchid..... He won't be able to respond til tomorrow, he doesn't have the net at home, but I wanted some responses and comments up there for him. From my point of view he is not ignoring the OW, he is with her every day pretty much and talks to her all the time. I am the one who is neglected. And as far as bills go he is the one that can't handle them as he is behind in cell phone, reg. phone and utilities.
he likes to use these other things as diversions from what is really going on. And Ark was right, I don't care that he gave me anything for x-mas and he was in a crappy mood also because he called OW up and she was mad, so I got treated bad for wanting my own husband to be with me on christmas. And he left x-mas day right after all our kids left, so I was alone. Iknow he is trying, he is changing, but I am burned out, and last night just hit me right in the face.

How can you change the name of the topic? Maybe we would get more responses that way?

dbd,

In reading your signature... it appears WH has classic signs of sexual addiction. He has more than 1 OW going at a time and is meeting women from the internet. Have you been tested for STDs?

Just my thoughts (my WH also met women from the internet).

Good luck to you both!

P.S... my WH is catch22222.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

Sorry... double post!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

Dear Free, He did that last summer which was when he met the 2nd OW. Everyone else is out of picture now. He did realize things were out of control so started going back to counseling. He was tested himself after and I wasn't involved sexually with him at that time thank goodness. I do believe he has addictive tendencies and I believe his C. does too, but he is doing better.It is just hard to trust him after all the lies from last year. He needs to be patient with me on that point.

dbd,

U go to your first post and the topic line will be there, just rekey....

As to his post, well let him post how he seez it. Mine did a couple of posts here.

Don't worry, we are a pretty good wake up call if he posts here. As for his attention or non-attention to the OW, that was the point of my question. Let's see how he responds.

Remember to give him his space if he posts. Your H's comments were very similar to mine and probably several others. Now that he has posted, let's see how that logic holds up in front of others. It is a good thing he is posting. Just give him his space. ok?

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart....then lots of patience!!!!

Read what ARK wrote and see if he responds to it. I hope so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

May I be so bold to include your H in this, dbd?

Thanks...

ntfm-

when I put myself in your shoes, and I was for over a year, I was as defensive as you are now!!

I admire your courage and Kahouna's for posting with your W...it tells me you want your M...how badly is another story, it appears...you need some reprove, but that's not my place!

I have admitted my wrongdoings and am still violating my marital vows.

What is your wrong doing if you're only watching movies?

It's all a part of getting out of the fog. Another thing my W left out was setting a time for ending my current A. I had given her a date of Feb 1....it is before our 25th anniversary.

WHAT?!?!?! Getting out of the fog doesn't include movie going on the sofa...the fog clears quickly when you turn a fan on and blow it out!
If you want M there's NO TIME to vascilate...Besides you have 25th aniversary celebration plans to make, brother! Come on...get out of the fog...this OW needs to see a permanent NC letter BY YOU, with W's approval and mailed by your W! that's plugging the fan in...Plan A (healing andmending self, outward expressions of love to W) is turning the switch ON!

I speak OUT OF LOVE to you, as WH to WH...LOOK IN THE MIRROR, ask yourself what you want for the remainder of your short days here on earth (I know it's your W, 'cause you're here!)...and just do it!

I am praying for your strength to do the right thing, ntfm!

In Christ's Name!!
><><><-Big CG's for your both!

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: catch22222 ]</small>