Schnarch says this about intimacy within a marriage:
"When you reach the inevitable point where you are unwilling to adapt to each other and unwilling to confront yourself, you are trapped in emotional gridlock."You are now confronting yourself. Your integrity. Your fears. You are looking bravely into the face of what you are unwilling to do ... and asking the hard questions!
"Actually, I'm describing the natural evolution of any emotionally committed relationship. There's nothing pathological necessarily involved. You don't need to have anything wrong with you to hit gridlock ... and there is nothing wrong when gridlock hits. It's part of a sequence created by the lack of differentiation that usually exists when we pick a partner: dependence on other-validated intimacy, a reflected sense of self, and regulating anxiety through relationships."I think it's important to realize we are going through a natural growth process ... and that we accept this discomfort as a healthy opportunity ... and not feel we're damaged goods because we struggle.
"At the point of gridlock, your choices are limited:
1. Push your partner to violate himself/herself by accomodating you.
2. Turn yourself over to your partner by accomodating him/her.
3. Separate emotionally or physically.
4. Confront yourself and become differentiated.Isn't it obvious how easily a person experiencing emotional gridlock can find themselves involved in an affair? Look at #3.
"Gridlocked couples experience themselves as falling out of love. Ironically, the ability to love doesn't truely develop until the honeymoon is over and gridlock arrives. gridlock drives you closer to your own core as it nudges you toward differentiation.Facing your fears is what it's all about Chaz! Recognizing you cannot face your W's issues for her (as much as you'd like to) ... is an act of differentiation!
Pepper
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