Euphoria

On Thursday when my H and I had our "big" conversation, he told me "If I had found any of your e-mails to OM or e-mails from him, I would have killed him. He's a lucky boy"

OK, so the anger was directed at OM (which predominantly has been a feature of my H's feelings), but I think BS (and I understand what Ark was saying how perhaps men and women process emotions differently) are feeling so angry and bitter, hurt beyond belief, that this is how it manifests itself - in words rather than actions. Do I really think my H would have the capacity to kill OM? No.

Having said that, this upset you and you need to address it with your H.

Lisa

euphoria-
I'm with Faith4me on this one and I also think you need to speak with your H about the comment. To me, it's pretty straight forward because of the fact that it SCARED you. Regardless of whether he really meant it, the real issue is the effect it had on YOU . You have a right to feel safe in your M so I say get it out in the open and kick it around a little bit.

As a BS, I can testify that ALL possible scenerios go through your head when you discover the A. However, rational people discount most of the options right away and end up where the majority of us are at:(1) work on the marriage or (2) Get a divorce and rebuild. JMO

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

euphoria,
As many others here have said those thoughts are very common, and probably more graphic than you would like to believe. I know mine have been. I think the fact that he told you about them means he's in the healing process. That's the way it's been for my wife and I. There are things I've told her since D-Day, and things that I have not yet, but maybe someday. I'm new at this, so maybe I'm wrong, but this is how I feel.

As far as the USMC goes, if you want help and he's willing let me know. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. There are ways around things and ways to get help without his command finding out. I may be able to give you a little insight as far as how the USMC "programs" you to think.

Let me know, I'm here if you want.

I'm pretty sure I said "I'll kill you if you see her/leave me again." It didn't stop him.

Nor did I follow through, not because of the kids, but because I didn't want to go to prison. I also sought counseling for, among other things, anger management. And...we still made it to recovery and are doing really good.

Your H has to see the OM everyday, my guess is he's got a lot of anger to deal with.

My counselor defined depression as "anger turned inward".

I think your H's statement is more about how he feels/felt.

If he stays in either seething anger or depression, he's going to need some help dealing with it.

Dealing with infidelity is pain, grief and needs to be processed like any kind of grief. Anger is one of the stages of grief, so is sadness/depression.

If he won't go to a counselor, and you feel safe enough with him, tell him that you've thought about what he said, and you understand that he's very angry. Ask for his forgiveness (again if you already have, forgiveness for some of us is also a processs, not a one-time deal) and ask what he needs from you.

If he says "nothing", then you still give him love, accountability, and act trustworthily & open.

Oh, and for IC, my H went to a military counselor, he's top E8 for our state, and has gained the higher clearance that goes along with that position after the time he went to the IC. The "new" military supports those who recognize they need help (at least it is supposed to, I imagine a bad superior could skew that like anything else.)

euphoria, I'm the BS and I wish I had a dime for everytime I told my H i could kill him! We say things out of hurt we don't mean! It's just a was of expressing pain and anger, though a bad way.
But the truth is, you do need to bring it up and ask him why he said it. What he feels and let him talk it out!
You also do need to check into if counseling will effect his career. My H had security clearance as a civil servant and counseling on base didn't harm him at all! It's not like he's dealing with a mental breakdown, it's an emotional effect caused from within the marriage. I believe we're looking at different issues than if he could handle a security breach! Anyhow, it wouldn't hurt to check.
God bless, LouLou

Euphoria,

I also heard these words directed over and over at OP and recently towards me. At first I was fearful of the ANGER behind the words. I also knew that he was capable of acting out his aggression towards OP and me. I had to really sit with this for a long time to figure out exactly what was going on.

What I came to understand was very close to what other's on your thread have stated. My X was so devastated by my actions, his only way of dealing with the reality in his mind was to destroy that which caused the pain.

He had lost control over everything that mattered to him in his life. It was complete devastation. The one thing he could control was his fantasy about how to END the pain.
Even though he has "moved on" with someone new, he recently expressed that he STILL has a strong desire to "kill" the OP and me.

The last time he mentioned this, I expressed an acknowledgement that sometimes I wished that he would have carried out his desire to do so. I genuinely felt that the pain I caused was that awful, and I wanted him to know that I WAS that sorry about it.

My example is to try and show you that your husband's words were scary to you because he is allowing you to see the RAGE that he feels. It is scary because the potential for HARM is there. THe fact is, HE didn't harm you. When all was said and done, he didn't have the heart to hurt you that way. Maybe he views this as a weakness because you have the power to bring him this kind of pain.

Just feel blessed that he is still there for you.....

thanks everyone for your input. I do understand the rage he must have felt. I would also feel the same way, but I suppose I would have expressed it differently. I would have worded it differently.

We did have a talk today and cleared up a few things, and I feel a bit better.He is still depressed though and at first he was so much like I want to make this work etc etc and now its like he is so depressed and unwilling to make it work it really hurts me. SOunds like another topic, maybe I will post about that later.

Thanks again, i still can't believe I was so stupid. I was just thinking today, i can't believe I was so dumb to so what I did. I thought Gesh this is my ONLY life I had ONE chance at it and I ****ed up . Now it will never be the same. What was I thinking??

euphoria, your H should see about meds to help with the depression. The depression can lead to so many ups and downs, irrational thoughts and behaviors. It keeps one from being able to heal as long as it's there and not treated.
This could get serious for him, so get him to see doctor and try anti depressants. Been there so I know what I speak of. Actually, mine was so bad, I think it drove my whole family bonkers and maybe the reason my H finally had an A.
Get help for him. God bless, LouLou