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Joined: Dec 2002
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No, Jack no !!!. If you Dv now, she will blew away 50% of family money

she already has been paid a sizable chunk but she agreed to wait until my son's 18th birthday to receive the main payout. 75% of her cash settlement is due on or before june 30, 2005 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

she already pi$$ed away the walking away money.

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Calm down ... there is no plan B w/o plan A

i tried plan a. maybe it wasn't a long term plan a but i was good at it, i think. i guess i'm still in plan a but.....

i will not be a "doormat" any longer. if i lay plan b on her, i am confident that she'll come around a lot quicker. i can't condone this kind of behavior.

i know she is/did wrong, my family knows she did wrong, her family knows she did wrong, her friends know she did wrong, and i 'think' SHE KNOWS SHE DID WRONG! the A will not last, i know it, my family knows it, her family knows it, her friends know it, and i 'think' SHE KNOWS IT!

practicing plan a, i think, makes her stronger and i lose my own self-respect.

why am i wrong in thinking plan b?

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I agree with redhat that you should hold off on the Dv for now. You are still very emotional right now and you also might not be thinking clearly. I don't think plan A will work for you but I think you need to try it out if only for a few weeks, you need to try!

Talk to your lawyer and start to protect yourself, your son and your biz.

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It does not diminish your self-respect, what it does is show her and show others that you are committed to your WW and your M. What your are saying is that you love your W but you will not continue to love her if the A continues! When having the A in your face makes you not even want to look at her, then it is thime for plan B. You are not being a doormat, what you are doing is trying to save your marriage by admitting your part in making the A possible and saying that you will work on it. A doormat would have bailed her butt out of jail, you didn't you are saying "I love who you are, not what you are doing." There is a diference.

Her knowing that she is wrong will not change her, the A has to die its own natural death. There is nothing you or anyone else can say to change that.

You still have self-respect. Again I would suggest counseling for you (and her if she is willing).

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by getting the divorce now, i will save 6 figures. now, you tell me, shouldn't i cover my a$$? marriage is a paper and divorce is a paper but it ain't green.

reading some posts in here, and i mean no disrespect, but some people wait YEARS for their WS to come back. if mine isn't back in 'months', like 5 months, i think i'm done.

but, like someone said, i am VERY emotional right now. who knows?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>why am i wrong in thinking plan b?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are .... a few weeks of plan A is not enough .... Plus in MB if there is other issues such as addictions .... you don't do plan A !. You should employ "tough love". It is more appropriate to deal with addictions ... Again you should think of what retributions that you need from your wife to take her back ?. Everytime she told you she want it back ... you read it like mantra .... until she agrees to do it you stay put. She needs you right now more than ever and if you employ plan B, the NC pieces is really hard on addicts !. They need to know that if they willing to shape up there is you to walk with them. Have you read "how A should ends?" ...
-rh-

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It does not diminish your self-respect, what it does is show her and show others that you are committed to your WW and your M. What your are saying is that you love your W but you will not continue to love her if the A continues!

very good point! thanks!

When having the A in your face makes you not even want to look at her, then it is thime for plan B.

that's where i am.

Her knowing that she is wrong will not change her, the A has to die its own natural death. There is nothing you or anyone else can say to change that.

so why sit around and give her support with plan A? i know, so she thinks she has a safe place to come back to. can't i convey that to her with a good plan B letter and shut her out? like i said before, i can't condone, or pretend to condone, this kind of behavior. i can't do it. that's just me.

at this point, she is not willing to get counciling, period. she thinks it's stupid.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>by getting the divorce now, i will save 6 figures. now, you tell me, shouldn't i cover my a$$? marriage is a paper and divorce is a paper but it ain't green.

reading some posts in here, and i mean no disrespect, but some people wait YEARS for their WS to come back. if mine isn't back in 'months', like 5 months, i think i'm done.

but, like someone said, i am VERY emotional right now. who knows?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not telling you to cancel your Dv ... just delay it. You will still save your 6 figures ... correct me if I am wrong. Once the SAD is submitted that is a legal binding as basis for asset division.

Every one have their own pain threshold ... you will be surprise that 6 months will be come 2x 6 months and on .... I am not telling you to wait forever. You set the time ... the time to revisit. So be it 5 months from now you will revisit again if you still want to pull the plug. Heck, I did pull the plug after 6 months of plan A and pettition for change of status 6 months later. I am Dv and don't want my ex back. We, BS, has a choice .... you should be proud of yourself to willing to work on M regardless of A. We are hero to our family and trying out guts out to safe it. You should be proud of yourself.

You are in the flux .... read MB asmuch as you can to take your mind off your WW and her A.

-rh-

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jack55

I understand that you could save 6 figures by doing the Dv now, but could you look at yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life and honestly say that you did EVERYTHING possible to save your M for you and for your son?

My WW has already cost me thousands lately and I first thought I wanted out now just to minimize the financial damage, but I have to look at my face everyday and I have to like the face that looks back at me. What are your feelings about M and about Dv? I feel I HAVE to try everything to make my M work before I will accept a Dv.

Money is paper. Marriage is feeling and children. Divorce is feelings and children, also. Please give it some time to settle in and to read before starting a Dv. If it is really what you want to do than your mind is made up and there is nothing we can do or say to change your mind. Just know that I as well as others will support you no matter what your decision is.

STTSI

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Have you read "how A should ends?"

i think

but, i also don't like the idea and think she does like the idea of having 2 guys suppling her with all of her EN's. HE gives the fun ones now and i give the 'other' ones. nope....not for me.

maybe i'm way off track and am not grasping this whole theory/plan.

man, the more i talk, the more i don't want her back.

but, a lot of people here must know, that deep down, i DO want her back.

what a mess i am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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All the more reason to plan A for now and sort out your feelings!

STTSI

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I am not telling you to cancel your Dv ... just delay it.

the papers are in the mail. they were mailed yesterday, certified, for her consent. can i stop it now? she's to take those papers to the court after she consents.

maybe i should call her tomorrow and ask if that's what she REALLY wants??

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Man-

I feel your pain. I am a younger version of you. We both love our Wayward Spouses, we understand the extreme humanness of all of this!

But for right now...Turn her loose. Get rid of her and as Dr. Phil would say...WALK! Protect yourself. If she come out of the fog after all of this crap she might be serious. People do re-unite after divorce, and it costs a lot of money. But its money well spent for an honest re-commitment or a lifetime of HELL either seperated or living under the same roof.

Trust me. You don't want anything to do with her if she doesn't want anything to do with you. If you continually invest emotionally with no divedends than move on!

YOU ARE IN A WIN/WIN situation! If she continues to be rotten and you are not with her...GREAT FOR YOU!

IF she has a change of heart and seeks all things that are right...YOU WIN!

Don't be played a fool!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>I am not telling you to cancel your Dv ... just delay it.

the papers are in the mail. they were mailed yesterday, certified, for her consent. can i stop it now? she's to take those papers to the court after she consents.

maybe i should call her tomorrow and ask if that's what she REALLY wants??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let it go ... I thought you have not come this far. Again let her sort it out her own action ... stick with your boundry but keep contact. At all cases, avoid LB'ed.

Call her tommorow to let her know the paper is on the way ... don't shut the door and you should let her know again if she is willing to follow the term. It might not have any impact on her but down the road she knows what she need to do.

-rh-

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

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Jack,
i am so sorry for what you are going through. To have it all happen so soon must have really pulled the rug out from under you so to speak.
I think you are making some good choices and I think it was smart not helping her with the DUI.
It is soo wonderful that you found this site.
I hope you get the counseling, I highly recommend the Harley's and you can usually get in pretty fast.
It is good that you have a good attitude about taking her back and it sounded great what you said about not meeting her EN's and being able to now.
I think the best advice I can give you was given to me here a long time ago, when the Ws is in the fog just act like they have been abducted by aliens and anything they say will not make sense.
Remember also that plan A is about you, taking care of yourself and making sure you are all right. Remember to do nice things for yourself and hope she comes out of the fog and it was just a mid life crisis.
I think you should talk with your son and see how he would feel about living with you 100% of the time. Then the child support issue is uneccassary. If she is going through this wild phase he needs stability right now. Just express your concerns for his well fare and that you love him and want to make sure he is safe because your wife is confused right now and not making the best decisions. It's not about you making her look bad, you are just pointing out to your son that wife is human and making mistakes and you love your son and want what is best for him.
Good luck and keep us posted,
Big hugs to you friend,
Layli

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quote:

i will not be a "doormat" any longer. if i lay plan b on her, i am confident that she'll come around a lot quicker. i can't condone this kind of behavior.

i know she is/did wrong, my family knows she did wrong, her family knows she did wrong, her friends know she did wrong, and i 'think' SHE KNOWS SHE DID WRONG! the A will not last, i know it, my family knows it, her family knows it, her friends know it, and i 'think' SHE KNOWS IT!

practicing plan a, i think, makes her stronger and i lose my own self-respect.

why am i wrong in thinking plan b?

I think you have the right attitude.. You are right... She will come around much faster when you show her you have self respect... It will show her you have the confidence to move on and in the back of her mind I am sure she will be saying to herself,"have I made a mistake"?...

People on here get hung up too much on Plan A or Plan B. You don't have to be mean or rude. Just let her know that you are not going to share, and if she wants the OM, then fine, but she can't have you
too. Then let her see you move on without her. Enjoy your life and enjoy your freedom. Let her wonder why you seem so happy. This will draw her to you much faster... This is what works the best.

It shows her you are a big boy and you can handle whatever life throws in front of you.

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Jack55-

Wow, talk about a fast moving train!! I'm sorry to read of how difficult things have been for you the past few months. I can certainly relate to the whisky thing, only in my case it was Rum. Fortunately, that only lasted about a month. Because of the significant financial considerations involved, you're probably wise to go ahead and wrap up the D. Sounds like any sort of delay could cost you some serious $ if she gets in contact with a good lawyer. One thing to consider though would be that your chances of R will decrease considerably with a D. If and when she comes out of the "Fog" after the A crashes and burns (sounds like a definite that it will), she may spend lots of time reflecting on your motivations for the D. Just make sure she knows how much you care about her and think about ways to make her feel "safe" returning to the relationship. Good luck!

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thanks for all the replies. much appreciated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

welp....

i just got off the phone with my lawyer. since my son is 15 y o, he said that the judge would most likely let my son decide if he is in a dangerous enviorment when staying with W. if W doesn't want me to have full custody (she won't) it will be very difficult to get full custody unless S says he wants to be with me full time. knowing my S, he loves his mother dearly, he won't make that move. and, lawyer said, unless S wants to stay with me full time (he won't say that for fear that he hurts his mother) he may get mad at me for pushing him to do something that he doesn't want to do. i guess i stay with the program and share 50/50 custody. UGH!

i think i have decided to start plan B. i can't play the plan A thing and make LB deposits when she's doing the cruelest thing imaginable to me. i can't let her feel that i understand and support her in every way. I DON'T support this behavior.

originally, i didn't think i could ever forgive her for the A but now i do and i think she knows that i can forgive her. i'm just going to let her continue her pleasure tour to destruction without any contact from me whatsoever. i have a plan B letter written up (mostly bits and pieces stolen fron this great site) and i'm going to move on.

maybe one day she will wake up and want to come back to me for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. at that time, should it occur, i'll discuss with her a plan that we can work together with to improve our marriage over what it ever was.

right now, i have to think about me and my son and my future, not hers.

thanks again. maybe i should get your opinions on my letter before i give it to her?

let me know.

Jack

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Good Luck Jack and keep us posted! I was not aware it had gone so far also, so I now support you moving forward with the DV!

STTSI

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update!

this is so crazy!

W just called because she got the DV papers. asked me if i wanted her to go through with her consent. i said "yes" but just because we get a DV doesn't mean that we can't start a whole new relationship down the road, if and when the "fog" she is in lifts. she said "really?" "you'd want me back?" i told her that i still love her and it wouldn't be easy but i don't see any reason why we couldn't start all over, FRESH, one-day.

maybe i shouldn't rush into plan B? stick with plan A?

man o man, i am sooooo confused.

any suggestions out there?

i AM going thru with the divorce but i do want a plan that gets her back under the right circumstances. know what i mean?

<-----confused to the point i am shaking again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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