I haven't posted in the last few days because Bog on JFO upset me greatly with some of his judgemental and angry comments. As many of you here know, I am truly remorseful for my A and have struggled to deal with that, and trying to see if there was any room to repair my M. Now, H is involved with OW and has said he does not want us to have a future.

Anyway, yesterday H sent me an e-mail. The title was "How are you?" and the first paragraph was very newsy, telling me that he was back in Germany and had been with ESD to an audition in the week - both things I knew about. The second para reads:

"I've been so busy of late I haven't managed to change my address on mail etc, so there's bound to be more coming. Also, I hope to speak with a solicitor when I get back. Sorry, I don't mean to upset you more than you already are but I thought that I'd let you know."

He finishes by saying take care of yourself, his name and a kiss. This evening, he phoned my mobile (I missed the call, but it listed that it was him calling), but left no message.

Although I have not written a Plan B letter, I told H when we last met that whilst he continued to see OW and as he was adamant that he did not want to try and work on particular aspects of our R through MC, I was too hurt to communicate with him anymore. I made it clear that it was not out of anger or in a fit of pique, but just that I did not want to be involved with him when this was going on. I asked that if he "needed" to contact me he should either text or e-mail.

OK, so what now? I have not responded to either the mail or the text. I was thinking about writing an adapated plan B to leave for when he gets back from Germany, but part of me thinks why should I do that, he knows how I feel. H does not see what he is doing will affect how he feels about me, and that he is absolutely perfectly entitled to see someone else. I do not know why he would telephone and not leave a message. I wonder if he is feeling lonely being back in Germany. I do not know either why he should "hope" to contact a solicitor. He either will or he won't.

I know many of you out there will see some positive signs in this latest twist of my ever more confusing saga. To me, he either wants to be with me or not, and he has told me very clearly that he does not want to be with me. I feel that I am running out of steam and hope. I guess by my last conversation I automatically put myself at Plan B, but I understand that is about protecting the love you have and working on yourself without the added pain and complication of a WS, and also for your WS to see what life without you is like - even though H does not think he is one.

Do I call him, e-mail, just write the letter so it is there?

Interestingly, I had a conversation with ESD on Friday, and she is very angry with her dad, who has not been completely honest with her about what he has been doing. I told her the truth about why I was not in touch with him. She said many things, but also said that he runs away when the going gets tough (as he has now). I don't think he'll be able to face up to it, and as I said before, I think he is working towards filing for DV, but still wants to be mates or whatever.

Any advice as ever greatly appreciated.

Lisa

P.S. Thanks to the posters on my last thread for your comments and thoughts (Bowd, Layli, H_P). That thread was getting a bit long and as I say, have been loathe to post in the last few days.

You're welcome , Lisa..regarding the comments from before. I'm sorry that you were upset by someone's comments. I know how you feel.

I don't have any words of advice to offer you. I am not well versed in MB principles. My advice is to follow your heart, and do what feels right to you. You're the only one who knows that. I personally would respond with a lovely letter, stating how nice if was to receive some words from him--and I would include words of love and devotion. But that's me, and we're all different. He needs to know you still love him, even as he embarks in a direction you don't like.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much in this.

Take care,
H_P

Lisa,

Sadly H is not following MB principles so it's kinda tricky. Plan A and B do not really apply to WS. But what you can do is modify them to your own needs.

If you decide to Plan A then you should contact. Steve Harley says to keep your name in front of them. But if Plan B then there should have been a letter, although your dialog may suffice, and NO contact at all.

2nd Paragraph reads to me that he is looking to file <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> sorry.

Lisa,

I think ESD needs to communicate with your H about HER feelings. If for no other reason than she is his daughter and he needs this feed back from her. Otherwise, he may find that he has lost even more.

As for the Plan B. You two are married. He doesn't have the "right" so do whatever he pleases and that includes dating another woman. From this point of view he is the WS, so a Plan B letter is warrented.

I do think you need to formally send it to him. WHile you have stated it, I think he will need to see in writing the what, why, and how of what you are doing. He may run from this. In someways I can see why, but in others it simply means that he hasn't learned a darned thing.

So prepare the Plan b letter, and send it if you feel it is time to try and preserve your feelings and love for him.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Lisa,

First let me say that I think you need to be careful about getting excited about him making contact. I can really imagine myself in your shoes and getting anxious and excited to finally have him contact me, but don't let yourself get too wound up. If I were to take the most pessimistic point of view possible of what he said in his email, he seems to hope to be amicable with you, but not more, intends to file for Dv (hence the remark about the solicitor), wants to make sure he gets his mail, and perhaps that is it.

It sounds like you perhaps told him you didn't want anymore contact while he was with OW, but I'm not too sure about how you did that, and how clear you were about it. Maybe you should send him a Plan B letter. At this point, you are the BS and he's the WS.

My heart goes out to you, it's horrible that he had to go out and have a revenge A. If only we could turn back time.....

Take care Lisa,

Jen

Hi Lisa I am glad to see you posting.

I can't post a long reply as no privacy.
But I agree with JL. And I think,stay with Plan B ,maybe even the Plan B letter to clarify it in your and H's own mind and to stop you feeling even worse.

Take care,please keep posting, I will check in later

Deluded

Dear All

Many thanks for your responses and support.

Deluded - how are you? I have been thinking about you a lot. If you can let us have an update. I know you deleted your last post (gosh I hate it when that happpens), but I always wonder how things are going for you and the family. Thanks for your support.

Jen - You know it was really weird, I wasn't excited that he had contacted me, I felt upset, cross almost, that he did not respect my wishes not to be in touch - and curious of course. Why call and then not leave a message? But you know what? I know I have been thinking about him and our situation a whole heap more than he has. And frankly, I'm not so sure I want to keep doing that. You know, I too wish I could turn the clock back and not have hurt H as I had, but we still had mega problems, and H isn't prepared to deal with that - do I want a M like that?

JL - as ever, you are right, you are right, and perhaps you are right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, I too told ESD that she should speak to her dad if it is important to her, and not allow him to shout her down. I had an interesting conversation with her Mum last night too, who funnily, is exceptionally sympathetic towards me.

"He may run from this. In someways I can see why, but in others it simply means that he hasn't learned a darned thing." and that friends is the key. I also recently realised that when the going gets tough, H finds it easier to run away (confirmed by my conversation last night), and he will never learn through any painful situation. You know also, it's not necessarily about his R with OW that is the most painful thing, it is his total and utter lack of wanting to change himself or look at what went wrong. Other than one disasterous MC session, he has constantly and consistently refused to address anything with me. That is worse than anything. OW is nothing to him, nor will she be. I sometimes think this overshadows the truth of what I feel - which is that H just doesn't give a damn (part of that is seeing OW), but mainly, he doesn't care enough about me or our M to even bother to try. I don't think that is good enough for me.

JL, I am not sure anymore that I need or want to protect my love for H. I have thought long and hard this weekend and have had a deep conversation with my sister (who is incredibly insightful). I believe that I have worked as hard as I could given the circumstance. I believe I have challenged myself and turned myself inside out to work out how I became so self destructive. But I actually think that I need to move on. In my head, this is easy, but in my heart I still love H. I don't think I will ever not love H. But I know I am a different person from the one H married. I changed (for the worse), but am beginning to change for the better. I know I have tried, but H, well he just hasn't. If his definition of jumping through hoops for me is cleaning the house, do I really want this man?

Hello Softman and thank you for your thoughts. Your first line of course sums up so well the situation we have been in. Plan A or B means nothing to H, neither does his R because he does not view our R as I do. I still swing about just leaving well alone or writing a letter. Trouble is, I don't actually feel so inclined to write a loving Plan B letter, because, at the moment I don't feel like that. As I said above, mainly I am so let down that he has not/will not/cannot see himself working on anything.

H_P - you are certainly a better person than I!!! At the moment, I just want to throw daggers, no words of love. But I am seriously querying the love I have for H and if it is a love worthy of a M, or a love that you have for your family/friends etc. H_P, you will be alright, it will work out for you whatever happens. You deserve to be happy, and your H is a fool if he cannot see what a wonderful person you are. Jen, snap for you too.

So, I am thinking that my adapted Plan B letter is actually about H not addressing anything, giving a damn, and part of that attitude encompassing an A with OW. You see that hurts me the most, and that is what destroys my love, not some silly girl. I think also my letter should make it clear that when I said no contact, that is exactly what I meant - no mails, texts, phone messages - I need some space. I do not need an update from him about the girls - we talk and see each other anyway, and that will continue.

JL, you also said
"Otherwise, he may find that he has lost even more." and that I think is what is happening. You don't just stop loving someone. Of couse, I still love him. But your sentence (whether intentional or not) implies that not only has he lost me, but he may loose his daughter's respect too. I think my heart needs to let go too - I think I need to move forward without him completely. Not thinking, well maybe 6 months down the line things will be different. I think I need to say "My M is over". No ifs, buts or maybes. Again, that's not to say that I couldn't re-evaluate, but I don't think I can keep hanging on to a maybe. For me, I don't think it's healthy, it's damaging me.

Thank you all for your great support and responses. Lisa, I think, is finally seeing a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Lisa

Lisa - ditto the others with regard to Plan B.

But I suggest you wait until he returns from Germany and you have a chance to interact a little more, perhaps face to face. Finish off Plan A pristinely. No LBs, be humble, compassionate, caring.

In the meantime, prepare a Plan B letter emphasizing your pain, acknowledging his, and being hopeful for the future.

WAT

hugs Lisa. I would almost advise. Just don't respond. No Plan B letter nothing. Does he know you want the M? I'm sure he does. So just let him do whatever- he will either get the solicitor or not, but you need to just get on with your life.

If he writes such a short cryptic message, and then calls but doesn't leave a message, why reward him with a response. REWARD good behavior DON'T respond to bad.

certainly looks like part of him wants to be with you, however given his past reactions, part of him wants run away, screaming and filing for Dv. That's how he seem to have handled problems in the past, and he may do so now. Having said that, there's certainly the other little guy standing on his other shoulder whispering in his ear that he should give your R a chance. what I would do now is trying to encourage him, showing him that it is safe, OK and v welcome for him to show his emotions & feelings. can you handle that? you might have a lot of anger coming your way. But see what you can manage - as of yet, I would give him a bit time before a strict plan B (having said that, I may not a good example by finding always yet another reason why not going to plan B.... maybe should have done so much earlier?). regards from rainy & dark WC2

Hi All and thanks again for your comments and support - Espoir I appreciate the hug, as something bad work wise happened today and I'm feeling pretty down about it all at the mo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Nick, you know what you say about part of him seems to love you and want you - but hey, I've decided not a big enough part of him. Not enough of him is shouting and screaming and waving and wanting to save our M. If his best effort to do everything possible to save our M is cleaning the house - well, it's just not enough. As I say, I love H, but how? Is it because we have 12 years of history, lots of fun, some pretty bad times, and last year, the biggest fallout of all time? Do I love H as I should love him, and does he love me as a W? No, I don't think so. Thanks for dropping by, always glad to see you - gosh did it rain today or what?

Espoir, at the moment I have the feeling that you and Softman both said - I did make it clear, do I need to confirm it. I am at that point. As I say, there seems to have been some rapidly clearing thoughts in my mind over the last few days - talking to ESD, XW and my sis. No, you are absolutely right, why reward his nothing behaviour? Why should I be there for him?

WAT, thanks for your input. I agree that by default I am at Plan B, but whether to make that more formal. The thing is, I don't think I can go back to seeing him again. I did well at our last meeting (really well, I think), but no more. I am in Plan B, and now it is how to finalise that and whether I should do it formally with a letter. I sway on that - see my above comment to Espoir!! One minute I think it would actually help me to write it down, the next I think, he won't care anyway, what's the point? He has made it clear he doesn't want to do anything to save our M - time for me to accept that, and move on, because actually, I can't accept his inability to even want to try to see whether or not our M could have been saved.

Thanks again everyone.

Lisa

Lisa,
I knew that all of the people here could say so very much of value. I too learned much this morning reading their replies to you.

You and I have both been the WS, and our stories parallel in only small ways--so I know it's probably not wise to 'compare'. Here's one thing I did think of, that I wanted to share.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think my heart needs to let go too - I think I need to move forward without him completely. Not thinking, well maybe 6 months down the line things will be different. I think I need to say "My M is over". No ifs, buts or maybes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa, my marriage is over. It ended just about six months ago, with the final divorce decree. But that doesn't change my feelings for the man. I see what a huge mistake I made, and I wish to have another chance. It seems that you feel the same way.

I think we can move on, without totally giving up on the love we had before. Your marriage as you once knew it is over, too, and I know you realize this as well. It is just far too early in all of this for you to give up on everything.

You also said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, that's not to say that I couldn't re-evaluate, but I don't think I can keep hanging on to a maybe. For me, I don't think it's healthy, it's damaging me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It got me thinking, the part about hanging on to a maybe. I've been doing that for quite a while now. My goodness, last April--when I still had OM---exH brought up going to dinner and a movie with me, and then he 'took it back', so to speak-he told me, upon further reflection. I'm still hanging on.

At first when I ended it with OM the 'maybe' regarding a reconciliation bothered me a lot more than it does now. I've more or less accepted it as part of how my life is. I've never been patient, Lisa. This has been so hard, learning to wait for any possibility. It's easier for me, perhaps--as I have children with the man and it's easier to hang on to hope in part due to them and their desire/need for an intact family--even as teens. I picture myself without the children, and his feelings/actions being the way they are now, and I can certainly empathize with you so much more! Even now at various times I think , "Why bother?" For me, I can't erase the love I have for him, and all the years of time together with our children--and before that.

You mentioned that it's damaging to you, to hold on. I think that would only be the case if you were so obsessed with it that you couldn't function, etc. I felt a bit that way last fall, but I always functioned well. It gets easier in time, to live with a 'maybe'. In a certain way, I think that hanging on to a 'maybe' can be a great time period in which to grow as a person, as I said, as long as you don't obsess over the R and him completely.

At times I do wish to give up, completely. But I have to keep focusing on the time factor and that in the overall timeline of 'life' all of this hoping on my part hasn't been a very long time period.

I didn't mean to talk about my problems here on your thread. I just think you need to slow down, and not give up completely, yet. Perhaps it's my overly romantic brain, but I feel that his R with this co-worker will simply play itself out, and he'll realize what he had with you.

Some people here advised you not to respond to his contacts-perhaps that's the way to go. It does make a certain amount of sense.

On the other hand, my exH's apathy during my A WHILE we were separated only solidified , at the time, my feelings for OM. I thought, "He doesn't love me, anyway, no wonder I'm with OM." I'm only sharing that to let you know how I felt, with the apathy/non-responses I got. Yes, you DID share your feelings of love with your H, and he knows you want the M, but perhaps a no response during this time isn't what is best for your marriage with him, in the long run. He very may well think, "Wow, Lisa gave up so easily now--she's probably off with a new person." This is what I always felt, that exH 'gave up', so easily.

I hope some of this has made sense. Take care,
and know that I'm rooting for you.

H_P

Personally Lisa I don't think Plan B letter should be sent just my $0.02. Reason is I only think that the letter carries weight when it's from a BS firm in their desire to recover. In your case I feel it will further anger H as he sees himself as BS and justifies his actions.

Hi LIL,

Just wanted to say that I rel;ate to what you are feeling right now. I am reaching a place where I am simply "going dark". No explanantions are necessary because everything that needs to be said has been said.

I think at this point, there is nothing that you can do but just live. Your H knows how you feel, if he wants it, he WILL come around. If he doesn't, you are already dark so the healing will begin.......

I wish yo ulove and lots of luck in the darkness.

Lisa,
I had to work late and I want to take time to reply to your post. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I will post tomorrow.
Love ya!
Layli (Lisa too!)

Lisa,
DR Harley developed these plans to save marriages, and they work better than anything else I have seen. Unless you want to file yourself and be done, you may as well try plan B. If you word it well, he will see it for what it is. He knows you are trying, and has said so. He believes the problem is that he won't be able to get over things, and you know some of why he thinks that. What if it sets him off? Things are not looking very well anyway, so I suggest you try plan b. If you think it is over, you may as well do it for a few months, it will make it easier for you to cope no matter what he does, and you will be able to say you did all you could.

No matter what you do, I want to say that you are a pretty amazing gal, and you have come a long way. If you keep learning and searching, and improving, I think you will have a happy life. ( trust me on this one)

SS

Lisa-

It's good to see that a few negative posters haven't kept you away from the MB. Not surprisingly, I agree with JL in that you should send the letter. IMO it will be important for you later on down the road to KNOW that your feelings regarding R were clear, regardless of how things turn out. As far as responding to his inquiries, I can't see where that would be necessary. If you have some mail of his, send it ASAP and make a deposit in the "bank" at the same time. It's interesting that he called and didn't leave a message...sounds like you've done a good job of not looking into it too much. Your situation reminds me of my own in that I think you had a difficult time not seeing results from your H whilst in Plan A. Guard those remaining feelings and try something new. Good luck and God Bless from the sunny SE US.

Dear All - as always, a heartfelt thank you for your support and responses. I have been mulling over and over what I should do. Softman, I have not seen you here before (you have obviously returned), but your advice is valuable and I have read a couple of your posts. As I said yesterday, I've swung between what you and Espoir said to writing a letter. I have drafted something which I will post below this message. I am still not sure that I should send it because a) he sees himself very clearly as the BS not the WS, b) I made myself very clear when we last met (the last thing I said to him was that I loved him" and c) because of developments over the weekend, including conversations between ESD, XW and sis, so much has cleared and lifted about my R with him, and whether or not he is actually the person that I thought he was......

Hi Litchfield - I value your support very much, and I think in some ways about making it crystal clear for future reference where I was and had been with our R. Also, I feel almost that I need to write something down for myself, to clear my mind ready to move into the next phase of my life. Enough about how sunny it is in SE US - it's been another rainy day in London!!

SS - If you and I both weren't M, well, I think I might just have to look you up myself. You certainly know how to make a gal feel better about herself when the chips are down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hear what you are saying about what have I got to loose by doing the letter. Thank you for reminding me how far I have come. When I first came here, I didn't have a clue about anything - sure I knew my choices had been bad, but I really didn't understand the devastation I had caused, not just to H but to myself. I have learnt alot, I have changed a lot. The old self destructive, self-centred, arogant Lisa is (I really hope!!!) gone. Some of the old Lisa is still there, but the new Lisa, well I think I'll learn to like her much more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Layli - thanks as ever for dropping by and your support!! It really does make me feel so much better to know that people care and are thinking about me. Thinking of you too.....

Hi Kily - you know, you hit the nail on the head. I feel that for the past 7 months I've been in this huge black pit, and I keep running into the same wall. I know it's there, but I can't stop myself. This weekend, somebody shone a crack of light into the pit - the wall is still there, I can still run into it, or I can head towards the light. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

H_P - what am I going to do with you!!!! You must be the most positive FWS on here. You always see the good, the hope (hence your name I guess), the chances, the maybes. Your posts always make me smile. I don't think I can do it though. As I say, I'm not saying I couldn't or wouldn't consider a future with H, but just for now, I need to let go. I need to be Lisa - plain and simple. Not Lisa, shameful W of H, beating herself up, worrying constantly about what may happen or not. Yes, I have been obsessing. I think about what I could have said or done differently all the time. I try and read something more into his message of the weekend - I've analysed and some. It's not good for me. I felt much more peaceful knowing (well hoping) that H wouldn't contact me, and I could get on with being Lisa. I need to find my sense of self again. That's been totally lost, and I'm ready to work on that now.

So here's the draft letter, what do you think....

"Dear H

We haven’t spoken in a while and after many sleepless nights endlessly going over where things went wrong, I thought I should drop you a line to clarify a couple of things.

Firstly, I think you know how deeply I regret the pain and anguish I caused you by my affair, and that I have done everything I possibly can to look at why that happened, and show you how willing I was to try and recover our marriage. Even you said that you admire the efforts I have made in addressing these issues. It goes without saying that I love you – after 12 years and many happy times you don’t just switch your heart off. Sadly, I married you for life, but along the way, I let you down so badly that now it really hurts me that you have steadfastly refused to work with me on repairing our marriage. It feels to me that you gave up on us, perhaps when I needed you the most, and part of giving up is your ongoing relationship with OW. Because of those two things, I cannot continue to have contact with you because it is too much for me to deal with. A wise person said to me, “Most marriages don’t end because of affairs, they end because the conditions that led to the affair are not addressed, such as anger, control, independent behaviour etc.” I don’t think we addressed some of our issues either at the time or later, as you agreed with me recently.

I will of course continue to be in touch with the girls – as I always have been. I am planning on seeing them both this week, but have been a little bit ill, so don’t want to pass on any germs. Please do not worry that you need to pass on any information about them, as I can liase directly with them or XW.

I do not want to hurt you by not communicating with you, but when I said I didn’t want contact that is what I meant – please understand it is not about being angry, it is about saving the love I still have for you. If you see no other future but divorce, so be it, but this is really not where I would want to be headed. That same wise person said to me “An affair rips your heart out – a divorce crushes you”.

Thank you for all the fab times we have had, thank you for all the support and care you have given me, thank you for being you. Whatever you do, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you peace, I wish you well, I wish you happiness."

OK, comments please, bearing in mind
a) H thinks is adamant that he is not WS, but is fine having an R
b) H hasn't worked towards the principles of MB at all.
c) This is pretty much what I told him anyway - there's no new information in there.
d) I'm hurt and uncertain that my future lies with H given his ongoing and terminal reluctance to work at anything!!!!
e) It may not be quite as gushing as you Yanks would make it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but it's got to sound real as I would speak to him/write.

Thanks all again.

Lisa

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa -

It is almost perfect. I would only add that you didn't give him an out. You might want to add a line about:

"If you are sincerely interested in looking to address some of these issues, I will always be willing to talk....otherwise please respect my request for NO CONTACT.

From a gushy Yank...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<strong>Sadly, I married you for life, but along the way, I let you down so badly that now it really hurts me that you have steadfastly refused to work with me on repairing our marriage.</strong>

To put "sadly, I married you for life" sounds like it's sad you married him for life. Take out sadly completely or put but <strong>I married you for life but sadly, along the way, I let you down </strong>
Secondly, "you have steadfastly refused to work with me on repairing the marriage". Maybe your H feels like he DID try (even though his effort wasn't adequate- but that statement sounds a bit judgmental).

I am against the letter. It sounds so serious, so painful, too much like homework. Come home and WORK on things- no man likes WORKING on a relationship unfortunately. To me, Lisa, it just seems like you are trying to get in control. Since he won't work on reconciliation, you are trying to control the situation by instituting Plan B. Yes, I know you are hurting. But I worry the letter will annoy your H and seem dictatorial. I think Plan B will just lock you into no contact and make your H figure it's over as well as annoy him.

If you were to write anything I would focus on bringing up some good memories maybe-

something along the lines of

"I remember this and that incident, when we did this and that, I was so happy and I thought you were too. Somehow things changed stress, distance etc. and I wonder why. It makes me so sad. I so regret the A....I lost sight of you and myself. I don't know if we can ever get back what we had, but thinking of living life without you is heartbreaking. I miss x, y, and z about you. I know you have to follow your path wherever it may lead. (maybe a thought that someday you wish the two of you could walk together again) Love, Lisa

I think you should focus on seeing if you could date your H, have some good times together, reconnect, figure out if your personalities can mesh. Forget about the coworker for the moment.

And if you can't have dates with your H, have a laugh with him or an interesting conversation- well, maybe he's not for you. Your relationship would really have to change for the 2 of you to be happy together. But you were happy once. Once no doubt you fancied him as well?

He has to go through his own upheaval. He has to figure out if he can forgive and forget. And also can he be the man he needs to be to keep you happy and fulfilled and not in danger of having an A? He has to play out his own A now with this coworker and figure out if he really sees it turning into something- which I doubt.

Don't rush to tie it up into a neat little bow and have it all resolved Lisa. You can do that if you want to divorce. But if you want to give your M a little longer, you have to accept that things are unsettled, out of your control and ambiguous.
You have always struck me as someone who is very strong, needs to be in control and protects her emotions. But you are strong enough to let things ride a bit. You can give him some love and if he shoves it back in your face and hurts you- you will survive it and be okay.

Sorry to speak strongly- my take could be all wrong. There are other parts of the letter that read better to me, where you wish him happiness etc.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>