</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forevertogether:
<strong>I personally think it's absurd that a WS would even ask to have continued contact...fog or no fog..that's inhumane!

I know I deviate from MB in this area but it worked for me!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Inhumane? Of course it is! We're dealing with alien abductees here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Terrific that it worked for you! Consider yourself lucky.

I surmise that this worked because your H was not as fogged up as most WSs are. In mimi's case (and mine) insisting on no contact did not, will not work.

WAT

Update:

My WS continues to be AWOL as of Monday morning. No call home. He has not been with the OW. She has been at home most of the weekend and since midnight last night. I just had to drive by her house before going to bed-lives near me.

I hope he's OK. He's an alien LOST IN SPACE!

I have lots of questions. Have to do stuff at work. Will post more later.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 07:20 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

The issue is in this case that he went AWOL on you- you have to communicate your hurt, pain, worry. That when you didn't hear from him you were afraid for him- did he get in a car accident, perhaps get attacked, was he depressed and suicidal?

If he could have called home, then you are very puzzled. You have always let him know where you are, surely he should do the same for you and the children? You'd like to understand what was going through his mind.

PS. If he doesn't contact you soon, you will have to start tracking him down to make sure he is not in danger.

Espoir:
Please read and respond to my HELP!!! note.

As you some of you may recall, last weekend my WS went to a conference on Friday and did not call or show up until Monday morning and I wondered about ultimatums which started this thread.

I just read over all of the responses in hopes of getting an understanding of what to do now. This weekend he was home Friday night for the first time since D-Day. However, he left this morning (Saturday) early, promising to call me later and has not returned as of 4 AM-which is not and of course I can't sleep. He is definitely with her. She has not been home all day and was not at home as of midnight. Just yesterday he was telling me how he is "trying to do right".

My WS has not tolerated ANY DISCUSSION about his A. He becomes infuriated when I bring it up. However, he wants to dwell on all that I have done to leave his needs unmet over the past couple of years. Most of his complaints are reasonable. However, in my opinion, I have not been as awful as he portrays. He insists that my treatment of him made him feel as bad as I am feeling about his A, thereby justifying his continuing A as a form of revenge. Anytime I bring up the A, he echos me by bringing up stuff I've done to him in the past. Steve H. recommended that I begin communicating to him the importance of accepting personal responsibility for his wrongdoings.

Well, here we are. I thought I had been doing a good Plan A. However, I know that I cannot tolerate another one of these weekends. This Saturday is particularly difficult since his decision to be with her seems to have been planned. Where is the guilt factor? We're after D-Day now. He knows that I clearly know exactly what he's doing and who he is doing it with.

It's only been a month since D-Day. Do I stick with PLAN A? If I stick with PLAN A, is it reasonable to set my clear boundaries when I talk with him. I'm confused. Some of you think that it is not OK to ask for NC at this stage. Is it my goal to mainly state how this is making me feel and that I feel that the marriage cannot withstand these continued weekend shenanigans. I guess I am asking your thoughts on how I should best approach him? I want, of course, to blast him out of the water. You may have read from my other thread that I want to throw his stuff out on the driveway. To think he's laid up somewhere with her right now and did not have have the care,respect, decency or humaneness to at least give me a call. I'm thinking he is wanting me to ask for a separation. He has not been able to bring this up or arrange it himself since broaching the subject last week after his absence. He clearly is not doing his part in working on the marriage. He is just simply staying here and being civil. Ooops, let's not forget the night he initiated SF. I'm not sure what that was all about.

It's helped to share my sitch. Hopefully, you guys are out there in the morning and can respond.

Um, My WH went on a business trip across country. Turns out there was no school, and he met OW there. Having a grand 3 days in Orlando that cost a big piece of our bank acct.
I didn't know about this trip being with her until I found out the second week long trip included her. Then I found the airline stubs and a paper from the hotel with name on it from Orlando. With a prayer she'd written for them to say asking God to ruin their two marriages and bring them together.
Funny, the whole time he was on second trip until I found out the night before due home, I was praying for God to end the A I just knew in my heart was going on. And bring him home repentant and ready to save his marriage.
Guess which prayer God honored? You got it!
Never ask God to sin as she was. Can you believe the nerve of this professing Christian asking God to break one of his own commandments?
I knew when I found this later that I had won by God's own hand!
Mimi, no one can really tell you what to do. But God can give you answers, by impressing on your heart what you should do. Or can do.
WH has already broken the covenant. I think it's time to let him stew in his own juices.
Until he realizes he is losing what he has, he may just continue to walk both paths.
I would almost bet OW went to conference with him, if there was one!
If he refuses to deposit his check again, it's time to seek legal assistance. He will be forced to pay support and should.
Never give a stray dog something to eat from your hand. You might just lose your fingers!
God bless, LouLou

LouLou:

Believe it or not, the Lord led me to them on D-Day. I had been praying for the A to be revealed to me. I knew it would be a miracle but I kept praying. Something told me to go to that motel that afternoon at that time and there they were. Their cars were the only cars in the parking lot. Not only that. I sat in my car and tried to think of a way to get the clerk to tell me his room number. I went in and just asked her and she readily told me. No questions asked.

A friend of my said that the Lord was revealing to me what I need to do in 2003. I'm praying today for him to continue to lead me in the right direction. I continue to try to listen to the Spirit.

Its hard for me today. My WS' actions seem so cruel and evil. He did not have to do it this way. He's always so nice to me before being mean. I can't understand that pattern.

Continue to keep me in your prayers.

<small>[ February 02, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

the pattern is caused by the monster.during an affair your spouce turns into somekinda monster.thats where the battle is.get rid of the monster and the OP disapears and your spouce returns.if it was only that easy.the key is finding what the monsters weakness are.i think my wifes monster's weakness was rejection.it seemed for weeks i was getting no where.i was pouring on the love so think you could barely walk in the house,yet i was still loosing.packing her stuff and setting on the porch had an effect.the A did lessen,but still not dead.when i told her it was time for her to go,she wanted a hug.i rejected her.she went to OM and he rejected her.the doulbe rejection killed the monster and ended the A.so thats where you are.it seems to me that your husband doesn't want to deal with the A.he doesn't want to make a decision.that could be the weakness you need.force a decision.as it was said WS dont like to use thier heads.so make him.pack up his stuff,make him deal with it.give the ultimatum.make it clear that the fairytale is over.you've done enough...now its his turn!

Rob:
Looks like my WS made a decision and it wasn't for me. Hurts a lot but I can go on.

im' sorry to hear this but did i miss something.you have several active post ongoing.i try to keep up with whats going on with you.the last i heard he was just takeing some clothes out here and there.i wasn't aware that he had copletly moved out.and if that is the case it doesn't nessessarily mean your done.youv'e come along way,have faith!