</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> [QUOTE]
Any relationship has challenges....big age differences, racial difference, religious differences etc make those challenges greater and more likely to fail.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this. I know that relationships are difficult enough without adding one of these to the mix. I know enough of us have had our marital problems without the added stress of even one of these.

I also know that all of these can be overcome with a commited, loving couple if they put for enough effort.

I have allowed myself to post stuff I wouldn't normally like to share with people for fear of the 2 x 4's that I may deserve. I have said some stuff to my son in emails that won't be received very well and I may regret. I may have created my own self-fulfilling prophesy. It won't be the first time. The other things I've emailed him about have had to do with when I've worried about his drinking to much or STD's. (He felt comfortable enough with me to ask me about an STD she says she may have gotten from him...it hasn't been confirmed as yet that he has anything...) He had never commented or responded to these email rants of mine. Maybe he deletes them after reading the first line. He Is pretty adept at tuning me out when he isn't interested in my opinion.

My kids all have minds of their own. I won't stop being their mom but I can always use some improvement in how I handle some things.

Thanks all for the replies.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Trix,

Why use a 2x4 on you chere....when you're already beating yourself up with a construction beam! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mamas worry....that's what they do BEST! If we don't worry about our babies....who else is gonna?

But do yourself a little favor....next time you want to worry....come here first and collect some perspectives and avoid some conflict with this young man you love so much. He's got to scrape his knees up a little to learn how to ride a bike. And the HARDEST thing we have to do as parents.....is let them fail sometimes. I wish we didn't. I wish they could learn from our experience...and we could spare them...but it's just not always possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I want to leave you with the words of one of my favorite poets Kalil Gibran:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and he bends you to his might that his arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks Star*fish, for the K. Gibran quote et al.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Look at Hollywood, this is "vogue" right now. Older women, younger men. IE Demi Moore... When I was his age I dated a man 14 years older then me, I still have all the love letters and now that I'm the "older woman" at 36 I wonder how real it was. When I was 24 I was somewhat niave, now I know so much more of course and I don't love the same way, I couldn't. I still have dreams about him, he was sort of my first real love. I have wondered what would have happened if we were together today... my folks were shocked that we were dating, I tried to keep it a secret, he was the boy next door. It's reversed from what you are saying, I was younger then him, but the age difference question does apply... Now I'm married to a man 12 years older then me. I do wonder if it's part of our problems, he's more experienced and feels superior to me. I think it would be fine if he didnt' have that attitude, if he saw us as equals but can you be equals with such an age difference? Really? I think if two are very respectful of each other and are genuinely in love, 12 years doesn't matter. But looking back at how I was at that age compared to now I have serious doubts that my first real love and I could have made it... but you never know. As a mother you have a right to be concerned, I have a little boy now and can somewhat see what my mother went through with me. That must be the hard things with having kids, you want the best for them - you feel so tied to them - sometimes you can even see the writing on the way - yet they have to figure it out for themselves. I'd suggest being there for him,, trying not to be judgemental about his choice - wow, how hard that must be...

Starfish

I have to say that's too new agey for me.

Our children are our children. I have a new baby, he is mine and I want to guide him through life. I want to be wise, for him to lean on me for advice like I leaned on my parents when I was younger. They know more then me, they are more experienced and they are my parents. The cannot tell me what is best, but in some ways, having raised me they might know things I don't. There was a tradition of arranged marriages in many countries, perhaps parents thought they did know what was best for their children at an age where children might not understand... I know when I was young and dating I did go to my mom especially for advice, I ignored her advice and I'm not in the happiest of marriages. She didnt' tell me what do to, but she was there for me when I needed her. Can you imagine being pregnant, raising a child, watching them go off into the world and not worrying to death? I have a little boy, I cannot. My mom once said that a parents job from the birth of a child is to let them grow their wings so one day they will leave the house as confident as possible, capable of making decisions for themselves. 24 is a very hard age, I remember it well. I know so much more now in my mid 30s and I'm so glad that even when I made what I'd look back on now to be mistakes, my mom was there to help guide me. I am her child, now I know that bond more then ever having my own little boy and already worrying sick about him. He is MY child.

I am with a man that is 24 years older than me and like another person said, we didn't even notice the age difference when we started dating. It was other people who had problems with it. I think age is just a number. Who knows what kind of relationships you might pass up if you discriminate against their age.
My father who is 2 years older than my fiance is perfectly fine with it.

I have dated guys younger than me...that didn't work. Dated guys my age..that didn't work. Dated guys 5 years older than me and I knew I was getting close but still not enough. I dated a guy who was 10 years older than me and he acted younger than my teenage brothers. Finally I just gave up and stopped looking. And what do you know...that's when I met the man I had been searching for.

We rarely fight and have so much in common.

The only time age comes into play in our relationship is in his ability to just let things go. To not let it get to him because he knows they are trivial. Whereas I can see they are trivial but I still let them bother me. He is very understanding though.

But if both people are in love and love each other...and the thing that gets you is the age. Then dont let it bother you. If it doesnt bother the couple then it shouldnt bother anyone else.

It's hard enough to find the love of your life without putting restrictions on it.

It's hard enough to find the love of your life without putting restrictions on it.

I love that...very well said Deputy!

horsey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have to say that's too new agey for me.

Our children are our children. I have a new baby, he is mine and I want to guide him through life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a new mother, I felt exactly the same way. As an experienced mother....I have learned what my limitations as a mother were as my children navigated through the rough waters of adolesence and into adulthood. Right now, your baby depends on you to guide him and keep him safe. I have three children....21, 19 and 7....had my last one at 43. My children STILL come to be for advice about love and life. I still worry about them like a mother hen. They tell me daily how much they love me and they still need me. They will always be my children, but never something I can truly hold on to...because they are individuals not an extension of me. Until you mother that baby through adolesence....you haven't experienced the pain of "letting go" that is necessary for their actualization. Why do you suppose so many teenagers and young adults rebel?

Thanks Horsey, I know a couple of people can relate to my concerns as a mom. After all, I really do want the best for my kids. I am still trying to deal with how I need to allow them to make their own choices whether I see them as possible mistakes or not. It is so hard to keep my thought, opinions, worries, to myself. I made some improvements in my ability to hold my tongue when in plan A with my H...but I am far from perfect.

Lots of what you said I also think about. When one considers adult/adult relationships we all know that the ultimate decisions are going to be theirs no matter what any one else thinks.

My Mom was 13 yrs younger than my Dad and he out lived her by about 22 yrs. I was always aware of their age difference. I had older parents who weren't very active people.

It just seems like it would be less common with the woman being older and then the age difference more noticable.

Most of the examples I've gotten here are about couples who haven't been married very many years. Time will tell how it works for them.

The woman, Everhopeful on the GQII board who is 15 yrs older does have an H that is in the process of leaving their 14 yrs marriage with kids for a woman his age. Maybe he is just using age as his excuse because it is the easiest jsutification he can come up with for his choice to be unfaithful; his bad behavior. I don't know, and we still don't know how it will all play out.

My SIL is 15 years older than my youngest brother. They have been married for 10 years now and are by far the happiest couple I know.

She looks young, acts young and a stranger wouldn't even notice the age difference. She is 55 now I think and he is 40. They are still deeply in love. She is my fav SIL BTW.

Don't worry, life has a way of working things out.

Thanks Weaver for another positive example from people close to you. I am glad to hear it is still working for them, if they are making it this long then maybe I am glad to hear it can workout.

My son's sitch will sort itself out one way or the other as will my heart and mind evolve to deal with it in a positive way if I am called to....I can't yet say that I'll be pleased if this is his ultimate choice...but it will be his choice no matter.

Darn, I wish I could give it a shot at being a matchmaker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My last girlfiend before meeting W was 31 years old. I was 18.

The thing was that because of her age, all she seemed to be interested in was marriage. That was the last thing I was interested in at 18, so I broke up with her.

My Mom is something like 9 years older than my Dad. There can be a danger that the older partner can tend to presume that they know better because they are the older, more experienced one.

I'm just glad that my parents didn't freak out about it because that would probably have driven me to her at that age.

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Ouote:
"I'm just glad that my parents didn't freak out about it because that would probably have driven me to her at that age."

I guess, at this point, that is my biggest concern: that anything I have written to him in emails will push him more in her direction than he would have gone had I never said a word. I am not really telling him what to do...I don't presume to have any control over him at this age. I am not, would not, and can not 'order' him to do anything.

I am hoping that he takes my worries/concerns with a grain of salt...adding them to the mix if he thinks about the choices he makes. I would hope he doesn't feel like he needs to rebel against my opinions at this point in his life. But maybe these stereotypical reactions are still in play in adult children.

I know my 27 yr old son respects me but still does his own thing when I give him my opinions. My D
also. I think the 24 yr old does too. Oh wait...maybe that is the stereotypical reaction. Depends on the situation, I guess.

They are always intent on making their own decisions. We can just sit back and observe. Then they sometimes come to us to try to get us to help them pick up the pieces. My H and I never had that in our parents...we've been totally on our own. Time will tell if that was really the better way to have it. I suspect it has been better for us.

I lost my Mom to cancer when I was 15 so I never had her example as a grown up. My Dad's parenting skills were more along the lines of making DJ's about who I was....but in hindsight he was right on with the life style I was leading at the time when I was making my own mistakes in the 'love the one your with' era. I moved to the other side of the county when I was 18 and never went back for any more than a visit. I had a step-mother I wasn't too fond of.

My kids all live in the same town with us. Sometimes I think it'd be good if we had more distance so Iwouldn't have to be a witness to this stuff.

Another thing about age that kinda gets to me is that you might end up living oart of your life without them because of how much older they were.

My mother's first 2 marriages were to guys at least 5 years younger than her. The first lasted less than a year. The second (my biological father) lasted 7 years. The 3rd to my stepfather but who I consider my dad lasted about 18 years. He was 12 years older than her. That one ended because he died. So now my mother who was 50 has to try to find another partner or go through life alone. (However, she managed to find a new man in less than 3 weeks, a "family friend". Whatever. She always accused my "dad" of cheating and probably out of guilt.) My stepfather had been smoking since he was 7 and had already had 4 heart attacks before the 5th one got him. Not entirely the age thing that brought him down.

My stepfather was way more active than my mother. He was my soccer coach when I was little. Then he was our swim coach (me and my sister). Then he was the assistant softball coach for my sister's softball team. And he went to every performance and/or game I had with the Drill/Dance team. He also was a part time leader with my girl scouts troop. So don't think that age makes you less involved. It's about motivation. He wanted to be involved in our lives whereas my mother who is 12 years younger than him did not.

And if you read the paper or watch the news, you will have concluded that age really doesnt make a difference when it's your time to go. I used to worry about that in the beginning. I didn't want to have children with my fiance because I didnt want them to have to grow up without a father like my sister does. I didnt want him to miss everything like my father will.

But I have since changed my mind. In my job, I have seen or heard of kids, teenagers, young adults, adults and senior citizens dying on a weekly basis.

When my fiance was out on patrol back in the late 80's, he never wore a bullet proof/kevlar vest. His reasoning was that when it's time to go its time to go.

I would fret about him not being able to grow old with me. But how do I know it will work out that way. I could be the one that passes on before him. So far in my profession, we've lost 3 deputies in one year. Not due to getting shot or stabbed by the bad guy. But because a drunk driver hit them on their way home to their families, or while they were on the job.

I could marry a man the same age as I and he cold get hit by a drunk driver the day after our marriage. His age was irrelevant then.

Your day is already written down in "the book." When your time's up, it will make no difference how old or young you are.


(By the way, drunk drivers kill more people than any other cause of death each year in this country. Some people want to ban guns but cars are by far more lethal and kill more people. Or should we try banning alcohol again? Or should we have harsher penalties for the drunk driver? You probably dont want to hear what I think we should do to them because that would fall under the 8th amendment.)

my Grandmother married my biological grandfather when he was 46 when she was 22.
they had 4 children together. they were married only 9 years when he died of a heart attack.

when she was 34 she married a man 10 years younger than her.....but, he never knew it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
he thought seh was only 3 years older.

they had 3 children and were married 50+ years years. He died about 10 or 11 years before she did.