Right now, I'm viewing this from the standpoint of "Knowledge is power" or "The truth is the light" (biblical reference).

I would like to be outside of the condo and call him to say, "I know she's inside". I would like for this to be a nonemotional event with no drama. I don't see myself running up and bamming on the door screaming like the desperate wife. I just want to let him know that I am not stupid enough to believe his lies.

Of course, as in your instance WAT, he will continue to deny her presence just like he did at the motel. He claimed to be alone in the room although his car and her car were the only cars in the parking lot.

I have to be emotionally ready for this though. I have to be sure that I can pull this off.

All of his stuff is still at the house. He must have bought himself a totally new wardrobe or else he's trying to use the house as a storage shed. I'm continuing to get more and more pissed off!!

Appt. with the lawyer is in an hour. Will keep you guys posted.

Mimi,
Checking in and reading your posts, just wanted to say:

"You've come a longggggggg way baby"!!!!!!

Please tell us that you are eating healthy and not losing anymore weight!! You said your size 8's were too big!!! Don't disappear on us now!!

I'm really so amazed at your total strength and fortitude...Keep up the amazing work, I bet WS will be so envious of you one day , how you are so much stronger mentally and emotionally then he is!!!!

Aye Dave, you funny guy, yes, BIGGER is what I meant. I never had any doubts that you're a REAL man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's almost hysterical that scenario you give about your XW.Seeing Mimi's response she's got the right idea. If she's confident and sure of herself she doesn't have to spend any emotional energy on catching them. If she's come to terms with it all, it won't cause more pain and grief. If I even think about it more, if the PI had pictures of them there, it will prove his intention for buying the place, if that's what he ends up doing, and maybe even encourage a court ordered investigation into discovering whatever assets he may think he has hidden and will give Mimi more leverage in court, if God forbid, it comes to that.

About what effect this would have on OW, who knows and who cares. None of your actions Mimi should ever be about what effect it might have on OW or what it may or may not make her think,cuz this isn't about her in the first place. She is neither here nor there, she's simply a means to an end, a way for your H to self medicate his depression. Don't waste any time or emotional energy thinking about her. If you give her the privilege of occupying your thoughts, you give her power. The only power she has is the power you let her have and she's not worth it.

Mimi, as a Christian woman myself, I'll tell you that the Lord really woke me up with my H's A. It was like a 2x4 upside my head. He wanted me to realize I had gotten to used to depending on myself and not on Him. I would walk every morning and the tears would just pour out as I prayed and begged Him to show me what to do. Make no mistake, I was led by the Spirit in each action I took or did not take. God saved my marriage and my H, definitely not me. He'll show you too exactly what to do if you lay it all at His feet and pray for His will. Hugs to you!

Send the address/phone # of the condo to every single home-marketing / sales-pitch opportunity you can find. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>Ok, Mel and WAT. But can I know without letting them know that I know? Just for my own curiosity's sake?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heck yeah!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

I would like to be outside of the condo and call him to say, "I know she's inside". I would like for this to be a nonemotional event with no drama. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So then his focus becomes HIDING the affair from you rather than his displeasure at his new life without you meeting his needs. You know he is going to see her. Nothing is going to change that. The only thing you can accomplish with this is to make him focus more on hiding and less on getting over the fantasy. You don't want to divert him from that needlessly! That is my only point.

I would also suggest telling EVERYONE and their dog about his affair. Can you take out a billboard? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Mel:

I agree with your point. I'll just keep my knowledge to myself if I find her there.

I'm telling our minister tomorrow at Steve H's recommendation.

Also,a lot of folks at my job have met him and told me what a GREAT HUSBAND I HAVE!!! We all work out at a Health Center which is owned by the hospital where I work. I have told several of them and they have been literally HORRIFIED. What kind of looks do you think they'll be giving him now when they see him on the treadmill????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I say contact a locksmith and get a master key made for Condo. Then just show up!
If not that, then be sure to take a camera with you and when you call and say I'll be over in ten mins, hang up and be waiting outside. That way you can snap shot her and he can't deny a picture!
Don't call from home. Be right outside the Condo.
BTW is it a gated community? Can you easily get in?
And he could have his money stashed in a safe deposit box too. So may not show up.
IF you did find out where the bank acct is, under community property laws you can freeze the acct! Even though it's in his name only. I was going to do that and the bank told me they would. And they said he'd have to come in with me, they'd cut two checks dividing the acct.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> There is a lot of ways to cook a goose! I like mine well done. Hehe.
God bless Mimi, and you not only need to know, you deserve to know all you want to know.
LouLou

Hi Everybody:

I had the meeting with the lawyer today. That discussion surely made me face reality. I could not believe what I was doing. I would never have imagined that I would find myself in this situation. However, he really enlightened me.

There's an important piece of info. I have not told you guys which turns out to be very important in my sitch. At the end of July, there may be a major change in my husband's co. which may cause a drastic decrease in his income. The lawyer feels that this is key. He feels that my WS is trying to stall until that time so that he would have to pay me significantly less child support and alimony. Also, in order to purchase the condo without me signing, he has to have a separation agreement. He does not want to do the separation agreement now for the above reason. Therefore, he needs for me to sign in order to purchase it.

Currently, my WS makes twice my income. This would change in July. If we do the separation agreement now, he would have to support me in the manner that I am accustomed now regardless of changes in his income.

According to the attorney, my goal now is to encourage him to sign a separation agreement now while he is feeling guilty about leaving. However, there is a chance that he will try to stall. I am to give him 30 days and then it is suggested that I file a lawsuit. Of course, we all know that that would be very expensive $250/hr.-lawyers would love that! Also, the LBs would be enormous. I don't know what is going to happen. Who knows what the alien is going to say?

I can't make him leave the house until there is a separation agreement. The lawyer thinks his attorney has recommended that he leave stuff here so that he cannot be accused of abandonment-which of course he actually has done.

All of this is really pissing me off! I feel like my WS has been really sneaky and devious. Steve is right. Unless this gets resolved quickly, it will be really damaging to our relationship. My feelings towards him have been changing, in the negative direction, tremendously. I was blaming myself so heavily over the past few weeks. Now I'm being validated by the people that I tell. They respond with incredible sympathy towards me and repulsiveness towards him. However, I don't feel comfortable with the folks that automatically assume that I want a divorce. Why do people think like that? To me, that's insensitive, especially when family members seem to want you to get a divorce.

What do you think? I've put a call into him to contact me to "set up a meeting".

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi, I think you must do all you can to protect yourself. This news about a possible income decrease in July is extremely alarming. It makes alot of your WS's behavior suspect. It's possible that he is hiding OW not out of shame or embarrassment but to lull you into a false sense of security that he is "thinking" and "working on the marriage" until he can qualify for decreased alimony and child support. Get a separation agreement! And refuse to sign for the condo- that way if he wants to buy it he will have to sign the sep. agreement.

Also, be careful who you tell. You will have plenty of time to tell people. It's still early in the game. If your WS is proud, you can use that to your advantage. Make it seem like you will not blacken his name in the community if he does the right thing and signs the sep. agreement. Use some of that WS logic against him- act all friendly- tell him stuff like "I know you're trying to do the right thing, we just need to get things straightened out with this agreement- that way while you're thinking I won't feel anxious and we can be friends." You will have to be firm and make it clear that he has to sign. He may try to wiggle out- don't accept it. I'm sure he wouldn't like the idea of a lawsuit against him. Cast the lawyer as the bad cop who's insisting on nasty lawsuits if he doesn't sign- you're the good cop. I would not confront him about OW given these circumstances. Let him think he's bamboozling you.

Getting that signature on the sep. agreement needs to be your focus now, forget about OW.

I wouldn't even give him 30 days- putting one together should be faster than that- ACT FAST. Every day that goes by he will get more enmeshed with OW and less guilty.

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Espoir:
My thinking has really changed after the lawyer visit. I was nice as PIE when calling to try to get him to meet with me. I'm hoping I can get him to sign a reasonable agreement. That is my focus!

Should I feel hopeless about my marriage? He seems so far gone and uncaring to me.

Ah, no wonder he's been stashing money elsewhere, don't wait until July for some legal support to be in writing.
NO wonder he's giving you so much right now!
If he buys the Condo, and things to not work out, he can be made to sell it too. Bad timing for it,but now it makes sense. He's buying it for him and her!
Follow Lawyers advice Mimi. $250 an hour is average and worth every penny for your protection.
God bless, LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>Espoir:

Should I feel hopeless about my marriage? He seems so far gone and uncaring to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you shouldn't feel hopeless. I have seen worse situations around here turn completely around. You have the best chance of acheiving this through MB, IMO.

That explains everything. It is ALL about money for them - all about them deciding that they have to spend too much of "their" money on their family. Please do whatever you need to to keep him from scr***ing you over like my H did to our family. Once his income drops, it is all over - the d*** courts will base the child support or alimony only on what he earns then; they won't do anything to motivate him to earn what he used to.

Nellie:
You're right. Rather than worrying about setting up his condo, which I'm sure he is doing in grand style, he needs to be figuring out how he going to maintain his income.

I'm not gonna jump on the future planning scheme bandwagon of mimi's H quite so quickly.

Do you ladies really think he's capable of such "rational" thought right now? Addicts usually don't plan much beyond the moment. By all means mimi should focus on protecting herself as soon as possible. His "plans" - real or perceived - should be only a worse case assumption.

BTW, mimi, be very careful about taking counseling advice from an attorney and legal advice from a counselor. Get my drift?

WAT

Mimi,
Since your husband told you he just wanted 10 % of his income a month I'd try to get that as your legal agreement. After all if hes not seeing the ow and will be back in a few months he really won't be losing anything right??

Whovever mentioned about the interest info for taxes is right. Your h would be getting a statement for the secret account. Do you have access to his finanical files and his office? I have a feeling that he would have the bank statements for the secret account there. Can the laywer help you access this information?

You mentioned that you were worried that the situation seemed hopeless but I disagree. Your h is not thinking logically and when the cold reality of alimony, child support and child visitation hits him the fantasy will end.

Hi MB Friends:

I'm aware that the attorney is thinking lawsuit to get more bucks.

However, I'm concerned that I have been trying to get in touch with my WS to arrange a meeting and he is dodging me.

I just want to see where my WS is coming from now that I understand my legal rights. I would love it if he would agree to the 10% in writing. I want a mutually agreeable signed separation agreement. That's my goal right now!

Mimi,
I wouldn't say that it's hopeless (reconciliation). But your H has a deep addiction and he is becoming more and more enmeshed. Absolutely, things can turn around, when reality hits. But at the same time, you must protect yourself if they don't. Financially protecting yourself is also part of the consequences for your WS. And if things don't work out you will feel much better with settled finances.

Put OW out of our mind for the moment. Be firm, resolved and work on your own manipulative sneaky techniques. Dangle carrots before WS, you don't have to deliver on them. You have to figure out motivators for him to sign- and consequences if he doesn't.

The motivators can be: you'll turn a blind eye to the A, you won't confront him about OW, you'll give him his time to "think", you won't shame him in front of family and friends. (Don't tell him you've told anyone). I'm not saying you'll keep any of these promises. you can also dangle the carrot of you'll be at home knitting waiting for him to decide- but he needs to do the right thing and sign.

Negative consequences can be- you'll be over at the condo- after all, if you aren't officially separated you have just as much right to be there as he does- and the threat of a lawsuit (be careful how you use this- maybe as a last resort). You could also hint that the strain of not having the agreement is getting to you, plus parenting son on your own- you might crack under the pressure and he would have to handle son.

Don't let him avoid you. If necessary go see him at work. Always give him a choice- leave a message- I would prefer to meet you privately at XX restaurant or I will need to meet you at the office.

Keep up Plan A for the moment- once the finances are settled you can do Plan B.

Does WS have his own lawyer? Hmmm why?

Above are just ideas- as always I think Steve is the expert in this and I would consult him on a regular basis.

He's set up two companies to look into putting in a new alarm system in "our"(?) home.

We're scheduled to meet with each other tomorrow.

Will post more later.

Espoir:
What gives you the impression that they are getting more and more enmeshed? I know I should not be obsessed with what they are doing but she has been home the last couple of nights and he sounds really panicked and stressed.

I'm continuing to get angrier and angrier at him.