Hi Jante.
Catchy name, French. Rolls off the tongue nicely. I have a cousin my age that lived in France for a few years. He is the smart one in our family, he speaks french, german, spanish, and italian. Not all of them well, but he gets by. He and I have been best friends since we were small. ( Well, my W is my best best friend, but he is one of the better ones.) Sometimes things click in my mind and I connect to thoughts of other times and places.

I read your post again and started laughing out loud. You will see why in a minute. This is teasing but - gentle teasing.

My question today is: Do you still collect him from the station and take him back?

BTW, you don't have to give reasons, I probably understand from things you have said before. As I said, this is just teasing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

How much longer before the kitchen is finished?

SS

Hi SS

Think I must have missed something as I can't see any reason why I made you laugh- but hey laughter is good for the soul so who cares!

No I no longer collect H from the station though I do usually drop him back to station at end of the day. Last night we all went out for dinner to clebrate D's 14th b'day and so dropped him at the station on the way home. Had a pleasant meal- but this bit will make you laugh, i threw the paper serviette down when I went to cut up C's pizza and it landed on a candle!!! Didn't realise until there were some rather large flames on the table- then i threw it on the floor to stamp on it and it melted the carpet! I don't think we'd best go there again! T wasn't amused but I had the giggles when ever I thought about it later. It was such a stupid thing for me to do.

The kitchen should be finished except for the painting by Monday evening. I am hoping to finish the painting by Tuesday and then the new table is being delivered next saturday. Cheers I'll have my dream kitchen at last. Then its just the task of redecorating the rest of the house in stages. Should be finished for Christmas.

As far as my rel with T is concerned, it seems nothing has changed. he contitnues to chat to me in the same manner as he has for last 2 years. However I am different. I no longer find it easy to be chatty with him, finding it feels like I am listening to a stranger.I really don't know how long things will continue as they are. Once the dv is through there may come a time when i have a new partner- then I will need to address certain issues like him being at my house for the children every saturday!!

Oh well one thing at a time.

Jante

Hi J,

Think I must have missed something as I can't see any reason why I made you laugh- but hey laughter is good for the soul so who cares!

It must have been the mood I was in. I was teasing you about T and the train station. You are thinking about D, but you are still so nice to him. Actually, it is a reflection of what kind of person you are. ( a very kind and caring one) I should not tease sometimes. Not sure where these moods come from.

Last night we all went out for dinner to clebrate D's 14th b'day and so dropped him at the station on the way home. Had a pleasant meal- but this bit will make you laugh, i threw the paper serviette down when I went to cut up C's pizza and it landed on a candle!!! Didn't realise until there were some rather large flames on the table- then i threw it on the floor to stamp on it and it melted the carpet!
Aren't you the life of the party!!
Sounds like this birthday party was as fun for the boys as the time you broke the drinking glasses on the patio. I would have liked to been there, mostly to see the look on T's face.
Bet you got over it quickly. You are learning not to worry about mistakes that don't matter. Sometimes I wish I was better at that.

I hope D had a happy B-day. 14 now, and he knows everything. I wish I was that age again, there is so much I have forgotten since was that age.

Glad the kitchen is about finished. Perhaps now the dust and grit will stop coming through my monitor when I read your posts. I usually have to wipe the screen when I am finished with you !! Be careful with the paint, that's harder to get off!

What are you doing with the rest of the house?

As far as my rel with T is concerned, it seems nothing has changed. he contitnues to chat to me in the same manner as he has for last 2 years. However I am different. I no longer find it easy to be chatty with him, finding it feels like I am listening to a stranger. I really don't know how long things will continue as they are.
I know you have been over and over these things in your mind. I hope you don't feel like you have failed. I really believe you did all you could do at any given time. Much depends on our partner to respond, and he never did. I still wonder about some of the thoughts and feelings I have about how things would turn out, and I admit there is much I don't understand. I admire what you have been able to do in such difficult times.

Once the dv is through there may come a time when i have a new partner- then I will need to address certain issues like him being at my house for the children every Saturday!! Oh well one thing at a time.

It is still not real for him. I wonder what it will take. I hope the other things are going well, and that he will agree and not cause you any more pain and hardship.

SS

Hi SS and Espoir- just dropping in to say- HI. Not a lot happening at the moment- no contact from T though I asked him to confirm details of which w/e he intend to go sailing instead of seeing the boys. Other wise- the kitchen is finished except for the painting- will be very careful with the splashes S. I have an interview for a new job next wednesday and today I give my final report on present job to teh steering group. I also have to delived final copies of teh book to schools and then just tie up a few loose ends. Its q funny feeling to think that in 3 weeks time I'll be doing something different! No news from solicitor so I take it the papers are being prepared.

Jante

Hi J,

I can see you are being careful. No problems with the paint on this end.

You are fast approaching a cross road and will have to choose some important things.

Soon you will get papers from S, and you will probably go ahead with D. Changing jobs is a big step ( I know because I have done that.) Yet you seem calm and sure of yourself. I am happy you have come so far, have said so before.

I have a question for you today.

One year ago, just after I first came here, you did not seem happy at all. Are you happy now, and if so, what makes you happy in the midst of these major changes and as yet still un-resolved M troubles?

I may not be on MB much for a week or so beginning with Sons wedding tomorrow. Proably be in to work Monday and half day Tuesday and then I'll be traveling until the following week. If I don't post much, that is why.

I have one other comment for you. Your boys will have a hard time with this even though they are well prepared. You already know how they react, just be ready for it again, and don't blame yourself for it.

SS

Hi SS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can see you are being careful. No problems with the paint on this end </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats possibly cos I haven't started yet!! Still stripping off the old wallpaper!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a question for you today.

One year ago, just after I first came here, you did not seem happy at all. Are you happy now, and if so, what makes you happy in the midst of these major changes and as yet still un-resolved M troubles?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes i am far happier than this time last year. I think that is for a number of reasons:
1 I have recognised that I did all i could to save my marriage and that any failure to do so was not my doing. therefore I can be at peace with the results.
2 I made new friends and done new things which have stretched my horizons and given me positive things to dwell on
3 I am in control of my own destiny not at the whim of T's decisions.
4 i am slowly finding my place in the church.
5 I have found new strngth in raising my sons.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have one other comment for you. Your boys will have a hard time with this even though they are well prepared. You already know how they react, just be ready for it again, and don't blame yourself for it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am ready and will handle it when it comes.

I hope all goes well ith the wedding and that ou enjoy your time out of town.

Jante

Hi J,
We had a great wedding. No doubts, no fears. Great girl, and she has a great family that has similar values to ours. I know that love is supposed to conquer all, but I believe we can make it easier on our selves and I think my son did when he chose this fine girl.

I got to meet many people on her side of the family and it was a very good experiance. I never did feel like I was just killing time. When people wished them well, I felt they really cared about the future of the new couple.

I have wondered about what you will do now pbout posting here. You pretty well know what you are going to do, and you don't really get much help out of me any longer.

Well, just thinking as I type again, may not post now until I get back from my trip. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. ( never hurts, does it? )

SS

Hi SS- you will be on your trip now but hope it goes well and you achieve all you want to .

I was so happy to hear how well the wedding went. I haven't been to a wedding since all this started and hope that when I do go to one i can go without a cynical heart! My H and I truly meant every word of our marriage vows and yet here we are 18 years later and I have filed for dv- he left me a month before our 16 th WA. Our anniversary is this Sunday BTW and so i am probably feeling a little more despondant than usual.

I have wondered about what you will do now pbout posting here. You pretty well know what you are going to do, and you don't really get much help out of me any longer

This may well be true- but situations still arisre for which I need an encouraging word so I expect I will be posting for some months yet, though not as often. Perhpas I should start new threads each time?

Well time to get ready for my interview for new job. I am praying hard that this is the one - it would be an ideal job and it would be nice to know i have a new job before the old one ends at the end of the month.

Jante

Obviously not the job for me- I didn't get it. But have arranged an interview with an agency for supply teaching so will have something to do when the old job finishes.

jante

Hi
Seems like I'm journalling here more than anything- but thats fine as I need some where to express my thoughts.

H arrived this morning and I went out for the day. Took myself off walking in a lovely Derbyshire Dale- Dovedale is renowned for its beauty and it certainly lived upto it today. As I travelled back , switching between radio stations the DJ said- "and here's the top 20 hits for the w/e 23rd March 1985." It was as if someone had hit me in the stomach. It hit me then that this w/e marks the 18th wedding anniversary. What is even more ironic is that H signed the dv petition yesterday! I had been aware of the date earlier in the week and then forgotten it again. Suddenly the pain of the last few months hit me again. I no longer grieve for my lost H- the man I knew has long gone, but today i grieved for the M I thought would be forever. In some ways today has been very catharic. Apart from walking in Dovedale I also visited an old town that H and I started married life in- and every where i went there were memories. I have been back there quite a bit over the last 2 years but today there was a definite feeling of ending to a chapter of my life. I can't explain why it should have been so clear today but it was . Now I am home again and the pain is gradually lessening.

I have made a new vow- to live the rest of my life to the full, being faithful to myself and all that has been given to me.
Jante

Hi Jante,
For some reason I was hit with sadness when I read your post. Music can really bring back memories for us. I can still remember a song played at the first dance I took W to some 26 years ago. My anniversery is in March also, BTW.

If you can't have the job you applied for, I hope you get a better one.

Well, I hope the pain is mostly gone. I know by now that doing other things helps it to go, but mostly it takes time. I have said I don't worry about you as much now, but I still pray for you and for the boys. Still pray for T also. Don't know why, but I do. I wish he had made other, better choices, and often wish I could have done more for him.

It's nice to travel, but it's nice to come home. Wishing you well today.

SS

Hi Jante.
I'm trying to break my MB addiction- I'm not spending as much time reading and posting.

I'm thinking about your walk. It sounds sad but cathartic. I think that as you go through the divorce you will confront these emotions. but I think they will occur less often as you heal. They are bound to crop up now though as you confront the mechanics of finalizing the divorce.

The important thing is it sounds like you handled them very well and have them in perspective. You sound very centered.

God bless.

Thanks SS and Espoir for looking in on me. Yes the walk had its sad moments and was cathartic- but perhpas one of the saddest things about it all was the lack of feeling generally!! I have moved on so far that I no longer have any striong feelings for this man I called H fopr so long. And of course very soon he will no longer be my H.

On the positive- I've been invited to speak at another conference in London- for which i will be paid, and slowly very slowly my house is returning to normal.

Have fun

Jante

Isn't that every womens dream, get paid to talk?

I shouldn't say that about you, you being shy and all. Actually, some days I get in these crazy moods and nothing I say makes sense..........

I wish espoir would stick around more, she is very helpful to many people. I do believe she needs to keep her marriage and family first. Espoir, wishing you well, and thank you for the things you have taught me.

J, thank you also for what you have taught me about many things including courage, determination, bravery, and kindness. I think a great deal of you, and you will have a hard time talking me out of that.

What else needs finishing on the house? I thought you had employed all the workman in your end of the UK for 30 days to finish it all up quickly?

Perhaps D and A ( maybe even C) have been "helping" and that is why it took so long. No, lets see, they are old enough to paint with some instruction. Hope you moved the furniture out first.

How do I get in these moods?

SS

Hi J,
I think you could really help Nezi with her
"Divorce final next month" thread. She is asking about things you have already come to terms with.
Take a look if you have time.

I was thinking this morning about your history and how your own parents story must have affected your feeligs - and affected how you have done things.

I suspect that you may have stayed away from plan B because of your distance from your father for so many years. Sometimes it is good to step back and look at all the factors that makes us who we are. You didn't want your boys to feel that distance from T. Do you even understand all of the things that lead you to your decisions? Do any of us really understand or do we just do the best we can?

Perhaps I am in more of a thoughtful mood today and less of a playful one. Everything has it's place and time. Ah, well, See you around.

SS

Hi SS

First some good news- I've been offered the possiblity of some more free lance work, evaluating similar grant funded projects as the one I've just completed. As this was my last day today it was great news! I hadn't intended to set up a business of my own but somehow thats the way i'm being led, the 'funny' thing is that 10 years ago h started a very similar business which i tried to help with but young children meant I was only able to do the admin and accounts. H has recently given up the comapny and self employment and gone back to permanent employed status partly cos he couldn't handle admin and accounts!!
Now any suggestions for a name to call this fledgling business!! Friends I know simply use their name but for obvious reasons I don't want to use my married name- and not too sure I would want to use my maiden name either!??
Apart from that I realised today that T's non visit tomorrow had me looking forward to the day doing jobs in my home rather than missing him!! Another stage of healing I suppose.
I have posted to nezi- not sure if I helped but hope I encouraged her in someway.

I trust all is wel in your home.
Jante
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi all,
Well today I had letter from solicitor asking me to make another apponitment to complete papers for decree nisi. It seems that the original dv file was lodged with the court on 6th march, that H's solicitor has confirmed H won't defend the adultery charge and that he will pay court costs. So now its all moving on. I have no feelings of regret or guilt that I filed. It had obviously become the only way forward for me. This feels strange but at least i can begin to look forward.
Then this morning I got phoned from a school to ask me to go in on supply. I had planned on having this week off, but had reviewed my finances yesterday and felt a bit nervous so this was great.

Looking forward to 2 weeks break for Easter and time with the children.

Jante

Greetings and best wishes today,

It is good to see how you are doing. I often wonder how other parts of your life are doing, but I will only comment today on what you discuss. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more like espoir and be hard on you but the fact is that you are doing well and I can't think of any thing more I could suggest right now.

It would probably be a good thing if you were self employed. Then you could be there whenever your children need you and have freedom to travel, and re-do the kitchen whenever you want.

I don't have suggestions for a name right this minute, but I will think on it and see if I can come up with anything.

I do have a motto for you.
"I could have been PM but chose to do this instead."

Wow, can you tell I am in one of these moods again?

I thought your post to nezi was good, but I haven't seen her back, so I don't know what to say - hope you didn't see it as a waste of time.

Apart from that I realised today that T's non visit tomorrow had me looking forward to the day doing jobs in my home rather than missing him!! Another stage of healing I suppose..

Personally, I think you need to work this out with him so he is not coming to your home when he spends time with the boys - at least not very often. I don't believe we can blame your mother for your Father not spending time with you. I think you really do need to get on with your life and you need not be absent most weekends just so T can come. Let him figure out what he can do with the boys and where to take them. Take your life back.. It is his responsibility to be a proper father to his sons, and even though you care and want to help as much as you can, you need to live your life too.

Well then, I didn't intend to do that, but I feel it, so will let it stand.

Well, today I had letter from solicitor asking me to make another apponitment to complete papers for decree nisi. It seems that the original dv file was lodged with the court on 6th march, that H's solicitor has confirmed H won't defend the adultery charge and that he will pay court costs. So now its all moving on. I have no feelings of regret or guilt that I filed. It had obviously become the only way forward for me. This feels strange but at least i can begin to look forward.

You are doing the right thing.

Then this morning I got phoned from a school to ask me to go in on supply. I had planned on having this week off, but had reviewed my finances yesterday and felt a bit nervous so this was great.
I have always thought that you have done the right things and would get help when you need help. Do you know where you will go and who you will work with or do you find out at the last minute?

Looking forward to 2 weeks break for Easter and time with the children.

I don't know what is worse, your 15 year old, or my soon to be 17 year old. Or perhaps I should say I don't know which is best, that would be more positive.

I spent Friday night and Saturday doing a service project in the wilderness. We camped 85 miles from town, most of it dirt road to get there. ( first ten miles from town paved, after that it is rough ) The boys put in 4 hours of very good work Saturday on a new dam being constructed for the benefit of wildlife in the area. It was nice to see Spencer work - nice to do a little work myself. Came home sunburned but happy.

Always good to check in with you, glad you are well. Expect you will continue to do well as it would be out of character for you to do poorly.

SS

I have been telling bad jokes all day, so I'll just say Hi and leave.

"Hi"

Now, If I can just leave without making a fool of myself.

I think I may pull it off.

It's hard, but I think I can.

Oh, it's hard.

See Ya.

SS

Hii SS- you did really well- no bad jokes.
I have had a good week- got called on Tuesday to go into a local school on supply.
Had an email from T the other day asking about plans for the w/e. Its my mums bday and I had asked him to have the children over night sat. Instead he wanted to know when I wanted him to come on Friday!! Not sure if he wasn't listening or is muddled with aprevious w/e. Anyway we got it sorted but I know I need to put some careful thought into the future and the time the boys spend with their dad. Also giving some thought to what to do about my surname!!

Jante