I really feel the need to call OM and tell him I know whats going on and what I think of him. (he's a preacher) But my WW who's having an EA with him via. internet and phone with much sexual talk says that if I contact him that he would stop talking to her and that she would die inside. I don't know what to do. They were highschool boyfriend & girlfriend but she had tto move away and they lost touch till she found him on internet. She says that our M is over no matter what so should I just let it go and move on without contacting him? Me 42 her WW 40 M 20 years 3 kids B,15 G,11 B,10. Two stubborn, selfish people and not willing to meet others EN's without our own being met. Driftted apart over the years. Wife says that it's over and she doesn't want it back, says she never got over OM and that she never loved me the way she loves OM. They were 17 at the time. Me, I wish it could work for us and am going to change for the better. Have already started with the help of you all here on MB. Learned many things here about people, their needs wants how to deal with things and how to change old habits. Many thanks to you all. Man, it's 3:20 A.M. here but I bet I'm not the only one up at this hour oh well might as well go lay down and look at the celing it's going to be another long night.

I contacted OM1 despite my WW's protests.

I found out the A had been going on much longer than I had been told <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It stopped the moment I contacted him (well I believe so). In retrospect I would have also contacted his family immediately.

Neil.

p.s. Sorry but she is going to do and say everything she can to stop you splitting them up and exposing the A to the cold light of day.

First, I suggest you change the title to your post to, "Should I contact Rev. OM so he'll stop boinking my wife on the phone?" That'll get you some more responses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 20years:
<strong>I really feel the need to call OM and tell him I know whats going on and what I think of him. (he's a preacher) But my WW who's having an EA with him via. internet and phone with much sexual talk says that if I contact him that he would stop talking to her and that she would die inside.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm gonna be blunt: What are you waiting for?

Yes, yes, yes!!! Contact him! But first, do some necessary affair research (snooping) and find out the name and address of his church and identify a separate contact there.

Then pull the pin on this grenade and let the cards fall where they may. Assuming the church won't let you place an ad in the church bulletin, tell the Rev. that your wife is VERY married with three kids and unless he wants all the beans spilled in his flock that he end all contact with your family. Period. Tell him ANY further contact from him and he's toast. Ask him this: "What part of THOU SHALT NOT don't you understand?" Drop the name(s) of any body connected with the church that you've identified through your research.

Don't tell him what you think of him. He doesn't care what you think - obviously - although it IS possible he doesn't know your wife is married with a family. At least she's told him it's "over" and you've already filed for divorce, blah, blah, blah.

Yep, as soon as your wife discovers your intervention, stand by for WW III. Don't fight back, stay calm, and express your love for her and your family.

In parallel with all of this, find a counselor. The MB folks are excellent. Also, read all you can here about finding the underlying contributions to the affair and get to work in Plan A.

For more views on revealing the affair to the light of day, read the embedded links in the link in my sig line.

Set up a phone tap (radio shack?).... record their conversation (s) .... and then expose what you know to OM, and hold the tapes as evidence .... just in case no one believes you .... cuz he's a "man 'O God" and .... he may be very good at hiding behind his title.

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Of course Pepper is correct that this righteous scum bag is likely adept at concealing his hypocrisy. Do you have texts of incriminating e-mails? These would be easier to mail to the church for publication in the bulletin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But be careful recording phone calls serepticiously. In some US states, like mine (Md.), it's against the law to record calls unless all parties to the call know it. Just ask Linda Tripp.

WAT

20years,what have you got to lose since W says it's over anyway? Call the man! And if he gives you grief, threaten to expose all to his congregation! No church needs a leader like this!
and if they ride off into sunset together, woe be unto them!
Isn't this preacher married? Most churches pick married pastors for their churches. At any rate, his position is in jeopardy if the Church council finds out, He could lose his pastoral to preach ever again! And he should because he's a hypocrite. Record the conversations. then find out legal rights on it. It's your phone and also put spytool on your computer to copy all emails and contacts! Get the evidence in case you can use it legally!
According to bible, you confront him personally. then if need be, before two or three in the church. If that doesnt' work, you take it before the whole church! I promise you wife will not die!
If you are a born again Christian, it's your duty to do this! She's not losing a man, she is losing her soul! And when we come down to it,the soul is far above anything else we may lose.

God bless, LouLou

P.S. And pray hard for God to reveal the truth about this man. I know for a fact in my own Marriage, God answers prayers. It is not God's will to have marriages broken. And he will correct this sinful scenario with prayer!
My FWH's OW wrote a prayer for God to allow both marriages to dissolve and bring them together permanently. I didn't know that at time I was praying for God to allow their A to fail.
Guess which prayer was anwered? Right! The one that was in God's will.
The stronger weapon we have is Prayer! When you ask for what is right, God hears. The other prayers just hit the ceiling and fall flat.
God bless, LouLou

Hi all I printed out about 10 e-mails before my WW caught me doing so. They are sexual e-mails and I kept them. She then changed her password so now I can't check to see what they e-mail back and forth. OM says to her he loves his kids and job to much to leave his wife so the only way they can be together is if his wife were to die. My WW says that she would hate me forever if I contact OM and stop their A and since we do have 3 kids we will always have to be in contact so I don't know if I want that situation to be any worse than it already will be. OM's health is already going bad so I know that GOD is already dealing with him. But I still fill the need to give him my 2 cents worth. Unles somthing major happens over the next 2 weeks I will be moving out to and apartment about 25 miles away with a strong plan B i.e. movin on with my life. Problem is I think that I still love her although it might just be the fear of being alone that makes me want to hold onto my M. I don't even know right now what I really want. P.S. she didn't tell OM it was over with him she told me it was over with us. She says that she knows for sure that we could never be together but afetr reading comments from WS's on this site I'm not sure she really knows what she wants either. What to do?

First of all, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! Forget this "solution."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM says to her he loves his kids and job to much to leave his wife so the only way they can be together is if his wife were to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This seals the deal, IMHO.

You now have an obligation to spill the beans. So spill the beans. Send copies of the few e-mails you have to HIS wife in care of the church.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW says that she would hate me forever if I contact OM and stop their A </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Horse hockey.

Yep, she'll "hate" you at first, then when she wakes up, she'll love you forever like never before because you stepped in to save her.

Did you read the links in my sig line like I suggested above? She is playing the WS role perfectly. Reading right from the script. The real world can't compete with passion, no matter how foolish or selfish. So you have to deliver reality to OM - then he very likely will end it - or it will end him.

WAT

There is a real life story you need to read about.

The wife who was murdered by her adulterous Rev. husband

A movie about this true story was made several years ago. it's available on Amazon. The name of the movie is "Murder Ordained".

"The only way they can be together is if his wife were to die." .... very creepy! This line (or close to it) is spoken by the Rev. in the movie!

What about renting this movie, and watching it with your WW?

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I didn't contact the OW...didn't need to, knew her too well as it was, and she knew the affair was over on d-day and I had nothing to say to her!

HOWEVER...in your situation...do NOT move out...if your W wants to leave..then fine...she can leave! It's her choice...but do NOT move out of your home!

I would NOT send the emails to his W...at least NOT yet. I would contact him and tell him what has happened in your family and how his actions with your W layed the foundation of the breakdown of your marriage. He's crossed a very serious line here...I'm betting he has no idea what is happening in your home...he's only getting your W's "facts"...which will paint you as the "bad one" and her as the one needing saving. Depending on his POV about the affair, he may not even have acknowledged to himself that he is in an affair. (The famous FOG!)

While I do believe this man's W has every right to know what has been going on in her marriage, I would be very careful about sending her these emails. Are there any which are clear on what is going on without being too painful? I'd love to have NOT read H's emails to OW...they created a lot of triggers, which I could have done without. I think a phone call would be kinder and only use the emails if needed for hard copy proof by his W. (btw...since he is in a position of power because of his church standing, you may need to inform his church's organzation/deacons/whatever.)

If she's mad???? She'll get "over it"! She's made her bed, and now will do anything to avoid having to sleep in it.

Good Luck!

20years,

So sorry for your pain. You have come to the right place. You will find great wisdom here. I know I have.

As the W of a WH who is a minister do his wife and family a favor and blow the whole thing up.
His wife probably suspects something anyway.

Let the chips fall where they may. Make them all suffer what you are suffering.(That was completely selfish and maybe not worthy advice.)

I have been hiding this terrible secret because we live in a small town. I feared the wrath of the community and the congregation on my children. However, in hindsight, I think we would not be stuck with him not leaving but yet not wanting to have a loving relationship, if I had just told the whole world.

You have enough to confront him, but keep snooping. No doubt the church pays for his cell phone and the calls he has made from his office will be on the church telephone bill. I don't know how you could go about securing phone records. Tell him your lawyer could get them if he has to. (Is that true?) I walked right up to the church office and looked at them myself for the last year! There it was in black and white.
I also intercepted some email (smut mail).

I might be better off now if someone else had caught them instead of me. Better off meaning down a path to recovering my marriage.

If your wife went to see him for "counseling", you can also threaten that she is considering a sexual harrassment suit, just to shake him up.

Nothing will be gained by keeping it a secret. I know. I'm protecting my children, or am I?

My vote it tell the OM. You might want to have someone with you when you tell him.

While you decide, I would read everything you can here. This is a great site for info. I would also recommend Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

God give you guidance,
landslide

me(43)/ WH(48)
married 23 yrs.
dday 1 12/94 admitted to EA only both
dday 2 3/02
recovering alone

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 20years:
<strong>.....OM says to her he loves his kids and job to much to leave his wife so the only way they can be together is if his wife were to die...... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi 20years,

Sorry for being so narrow minded here but just that 1 statement alone would make me go to the authoritiies.... which one? His superiors for 1. He is a minister? Ok, who does he report to? Next level up? Go there. Churches are under more scrutiny now and though they may try to sweep it under the rug, others won't.

Whatever your W may threaten is just that a threat. Yes she can make it real and so can the OM (to his family). How you approach this is where you need to be careful.

Let whoever you choose, know that you have heard some disturbing news and now fear for the life of those in your family and anothers.

Why yours? BEcause if a Ws (that is what the OM is to his family), is willing to end his spouses life (prematurely or even think about her dying before him - especially if he is ill???) then what makes you think he wouldn't think twice about hurting anyone else???

I don't want you to panic but be realistic. Taking precautions right now maybe more important than your W's concerns about putting the A out in the open (ie: ruining her or OMs reputation etc.)

JMHO,
L.

I vote you take action immediately. This man is not to be trusted to not harm or even kill someone. He must be mad in the sense of Insane!
Keep those emails, make copies you can keep in another safe place, because you might need them to get custody of your children!
I certainly would not want her and him with my children!
You have an obigation now to blow this whole thing out of the water. Not only for yourself, but others including the congregation. What can this man be teaching them?
If he thinks it's ok to do this, he certainly will not be leading his flock in the right direction! many people to be harmed here.
Perhaps you might just set up a meeting with his wife and a couple of elders of the church also.
Be sure to protect yourself by not being alone with her or OM.
I wouldn't set another 5 minutes on this. And I hope the emails contain his statement about needing wife to die to be with your W.
Who knows where or what this man has done in past. Possible criminal behavior and a fraud as a minister.
LouLou

Thanks all I don't think he was saying that he even wished his wife would die he just said that even if he hated her that he wouldn't leave her. That the only way that he and my WW could be together ever is if she died. My WW said to him that she would wait for another 20 years if she had to. Boy that makes me feel really important to her. How long could a preacher keep this up without it eating him alive. There is no way I would want to be in either of their shoes I don't know how WS's can ever sleep at night. I know that it's only a matter of time before it comes out anyway and I think that I'm willing to not say a word so that I can't be blamed when it does. To WAT thanks for the links they were also much help even though most of the posters said to tell everone. Also I thougt that the point of a blan B was to get away fom WW with no contact till A is over. Right now WW says there is no hope for a future for us but she doesn't want me to leave and we still sleep in the same bed but thats about the only contact we have (no sex) mabe a small kiss goodbye in the mornings. I fill like I need to get away from her to let her make up her mind with me not around. Also I need time away to make up my own mind. When I'm away from her like at work I want to get a DV. and start a new life but when I'm around her at home I want to save our M. If some one had told me a year ago that my W would have an A I thought that was selfish enough to say that I would walk out right away and never look back but I guess you never know till you face it. I don't think she would ever forgive me if the roles were reversed mabe I am the better person even though she of corse blames it all on me. I wish I knew for sure what she wanted, I wish I knew for sure what I wanted.

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: 20years ]</small>

" I know that it's only a matter of time before it comes out anyway and I think I'm willing to not say a word so that I can't be blamed when it does."

You will also appear accepting of adultery in your marriage..... especially to your wife. She may be thinking:

"See, 20years doesn't love me very much. he doesn't care that I'm cheating on him."

See .... you're going to be blamed either way. So, you may as well act with courage and dignity, and stand up like a man and face the enemy who is threatening your family.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well .... you may be giving your wife the message that you're NOT willing to fight for her ..... because you just don't care enough.

Which is worse ?? An angry wife who knows you care enough to stand up to a lying adulterer for her .... or an angry wife who thinks you don't care enough about her to fight for your marriage?

Trust me .... she is wondering this very thing .... and, so am I .

20yrs. you should at least send copies of emails to somebody in the church. Even the main church district! Conference center!
This should not be allowed to continue. You could send anonymously even.If you won't then I sure will if you give me address and emails.
There is more to life by integrity, dignity, and a answering for than just a WW!
There is a lot more at stake here then your marriage. And other people being defrauded and harmed.
If you can live with that, so be it! I couldn't.
LouLou

I don't believe that any WS should move out. Why should the faithful one, be the one to leave the comfort of their home?

As for contacting OP...I did not. However, I believe A WS should do what they choose. WS did not protect the BS while having an affair, so why should BS protect WS and their lover by keeping the secret?

I was the WS-- his wife never contacted me. I'm sure she could have figured out how to do so, even though the A was initially long distance.

My exH never contacted OM. He could have figured out how to do it, too, if he'd wanted to do so. I think it would have 'scared' OM , too.

I think it would have been a good thing in a way if his wife had contacted me early on in the horrible A. I think she knew what was going on , quite early in the whole mess. I feel it would have been a good dose of reality for me to hear from her. Affairs are so fantasy based, and so full of deception and lies. I'll never know quite what was true and what wasn't as far as OM's story, and I don't care to ever know at this point as that's long over. Hearing his wife's voice and her pain/feelings would have been a good shot of reality, I believe.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

God Bless,
H_P