Mimi, I agree with the others here. Trust is an issue that is hard to rebuild and takes a very long time, if ever you do feel total trust again.
I'm not sure I ever will. But I try not to let it show.
You're so close to March 1, and I know the waiting is painfully slow!
Hang in and keep doing the things that have shown success for you. But you are entitled to have the peace of mind in seeing him keep his promises.
No hole is too deep to dig out of! Whatever it takes, it's his responsibility now.You are supportive and by his side.
Hopfully, he will eventually explain why he feels it's such a problem for him. What hold does she have over his head? Blackmail of some type? if so, you're entitled to know anything tha adversely affects you, your family and marriage.
God bless and be with you. Keep praying for success. God does love you and want your happiness and marriage to be solid again.
LouLou

Hi All:

I just saw my WS again for lunch. He was able to hear my continued need for honesty and my trust issues. I said "I'm afraid that you are going to turn back" (into that foggy person that he was). He becomes a bit angry when I say things like this. He calls me being "negative", wants me to maintain "positive" thinking. However, he did say on his own, "The proof will be in the pudding".

He's doing a lot of things to "prove" himself. For example, today he brought me a form for renewal of my passport so we can go away soon on a trip he says he has planned. He has not done the final most important step which he promises will come next week.

He really acts as if he is in love with me. You have to be here to see it. Its like it used to be YEARS AGO. I am more like my old self of course. I'm self-confident again, wear a size 6, give him priority, etc. So there's value in the PLAN A.

This will sound weird BUT I think he will eventually tell me what her hold is if I don't ask him. He tells me important things if I LISTEN CLOSELY but at the same time seem disinterested, like it's his choice to tell me. It's that TOUGH LOVE approach again, letting him feel free.

I'm still relying on support and feedback from you guys. Keep in touch.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hi Mimi

I believe your husband is sincere and that he wants to work things out, I wish mine was at this stage. I only wish you the best.

I have changed my name as one of you recomended (I am the one that deleted my posts) read my new post if you have time, and let me know what you think.

Check this out!

WS called and in the conversation said he has a book on "marital reconciliation" that he wants to make sure that he gets to me tomorrow at lunch.

I don't know whether to cry or laugh!

He's really wanting to be in charge of this, wanting me to treat him like a man.

Plan A continues!

wow, that is great news indeed! That means he wants to lead the way to recovery! That is an excellent start, Mimi.

So very happy you! It's wonderful to see that things can turn around...gives me hope and I hope that it continues for you. The separation worked for you, in my case, the "separation" is what led to the A. My H works out of state, has an apt.there, was coming home weekends, we were hoping it wouldn't be much longer. Now the A happens. How do I get him to reconnect with his family and home? He says, he's been away too long, the kids wouldn't notice much difference from how we've been living, etc. But before that he was always anxious to get home, still said how much he loved me, etc. With Plan A, I'm back to allowing him to stay overnight when he comes to visit, hoping it will help him to reconnect, but I notice he does seem distracted, doesn't suggest activities w/kids like he used to, runs errands alone while he's here, when he can do the same stuff out of state during the week.(He's laid off now, has the time) Anyways, sticking to Plan A, but almost seems reverse to what others have to deal with, as my WH is already living away from us. Any advice?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>WS called and in the conversation said he has a book on "marital reconciliation" that he wants to make sure that he gets to me tomorrow at lunch.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember to show your greatfullness and give him a bit ... hmmm blow hot air to stoke his ego & thank you kisses <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . LOL !!!. Keep that plan B letter handy when the cow refused to come home and back out on his own word.

-rh-

Hi to all:

My WS invited me to a business banquet this afternoon. It is a couples affair for those starting in his new business. The new business is important to him and he is invested in it for the future. This is his statement that he wants me to be a part of this with him. I will get to meet his sponsor and his sponsor's wife.

However, something was going on with him yesterday. He seemed really depressed, irritable. He said he had trouble sleeping at the condo. He was stressed, saying to me, "We only have 5 days, 5 days keep that in mind!" It was like he was trying to keep that in mind. I wanted to help him with whatever was going on, probably some stress with the other woman but he was avoidant. He kept telling me to look forward to our meeting tonight, to focus on that and to "think about us" and "our future".

So I am going to PLAN A and not ask any questions about the OW and not talk about the R. I will dress up, be my intelligent, sociable self and try to have fun.

I spoke to one of his best friends this morning who really thinks he is trying to end things SAFELY and does not want to WORRY me about the details. He thinks my WS sees himself as protecting me from his MESS.

I am more worried about him than anything else. He told me not to worry but to "PRAY" for him.

Any thoughts/feedback would be appreciated.

Could he be worried about actually ENDING it and face the fall out?

Could it be a withdrawal thing? Worried about his ability to do no contact? Or a bit of ambivalence due to the fact that he's been used to having both of you for a long time now. It may be hard for him to completely give her up at first. to know that he can NEVER speak to her again.

Mimi,

It sounds like the poor guy is worried about the fallout from ending the affair. Don't you think he is getting all his little ducks in a row before he lowers the boom? I am betting this is what is happening right now. And he is probably, rightfully, worried that she will lash back at his family or business or him.

So you are right in just letting him handle this while you continue in Plan A. You don't even want to give any excuse to give into his fears of the OW and turn back. As it is, he is HIGHLY motivated right now to return to you and you are wise to keep him that way! Good job, Mimi!

P.S. Tonight is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to make some lovebank deposits by doing something the OW could NEVER DO: make him proud in a business environment. How could he EVER take her to such an event! He will realize how very lucky he is to have an attractive, intelligent, PRESENTABLE wife to hang on his arm. That is a huge deposit for a guy!

Hi Mimi!

Your saga has given me much hope for my own situation. H and I have not come nearly as far as you have, but I have more hope now than I ever had.

H is starting to open up more, reasoning things out, talking about A and why he thinks it happened.

We spent the morning and early afternoon together today, and he actually talked about things we needed to do around the house and general things that indicated to me he is thinking in the terms of a future together.

He still will not commit to moving back in here, but I suggested a get-away weekend and staying a night together once a week at home and he is really considering it I think (I hope).

What is the book you referred to earlier "Torn Asunder" and where can you get it? The A you were describing sounds like what I am coping with.

Thanks again for giving ME hope while your own has been growing. Best of luck to you!!

Hi to All:

I think my WS and I are "about to hit the road". However, it feels like we have such a long way to go.

As I indicated before, he has been acting stressed and I felt I needed to get a better understanding of what is going on. I wondered whether he or I was in danger since he has seemed so concerned. He got somewhat angry about my questioning. However, it actually turned out to be informative. I did not get all the answers but I got some indication of what is going on.

I think that basically Mel is rignt, that he is trying to get all his ducks in a row before the big boom. He vehemently indicated that: he is "committed" to me, that he has made a "decision", a "choice" to work on his marriage, that he "does not want to be with her", that this is a "dangerous situation" that has to be "handled carefully", that he needs for me to have "faith in him", that if I " can't or don't have faith" in him it would be "easier to remain in his deep hole with her". So he sees getting out of the A as being a big undertaking and that I should appreciate him doing this because it would be easier to stay in it? This is one of our marital issues, that he wants me to treat him like a "man" and let him handle things. This speech was made very emotionally. He also stressed his love for me and asked me "Isn't it obvious that I want to be with you?"; it seems that he has forgotten that he is having an A?

He went on to say that he thinks I should continue to work on myself while he works on doing what he needs to do. HE HAS NOTICED THE PLAN A, not knowing that's what it is called!

I think the OW is kind of crazy and he is embarassed/scared of that. However, he must think he knows how to handle her or he's holding on carefully until he gets her sister out of his office. He certainly does not want me involved in helping him with the situation. He mentioned the word "schizophrenic"; I don't know if he thinks she is crazy or will go crazy upon the breakup. Remember she has been married 3 times, has had several abortions, leaves her 12 year old daughter home alone. You get the picture!!

The banquet was great, I thanked him for asking me and for the good time, he appreciated that. We ended on a good note. He initiated a kiss goodbye. He gave me the "Marital Reconciliation" book. He'll see me tomorrow. We see and talk to each other every day.

What do you think?

ERNN:

Just a tip. Let your WS initiate the contacts. The Dobson LOVE MUST BE TOUGH approach also worked well for me along with PLAN A. It allows the WS to feel free. I say,"when you want to see me give me a call". He comes up with the ideas and I seldom if ever call him. Also, I did a lot of listening to learn more about what my WS needed. He is only now telling me that my PLAN A worked. While I was doing it, he seemed angry. Now I feel like that I am meeting most of his ENs, causing him to be in love with me. I had to figure out what the needs were though and how best to begin meeting them again. Its also been helpful to think about what made him fall in love with me in the first place and to be that girl again. I focused on that again tonight. He loved for me to dress up in new outfits when we went out on dates so I surprised him again tonight with something new. The OW does not know these tips that get our WSes to reminisce about the past. The OW only has the present. This was a tip from Steve Harley.

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

I think that basically Mel is rignt, that he is trying to get all his ducks in a row before the big boom. He vehemently indicated that: he is "committed" to me, that he has made a "decision", a "choice" to work on his marriage, that he "does not want to be with her", that this is a "dangerous situation" that has to be "handled carefully", that he needs for me to have "faith in him", that if I " can't or don't have faith" in him it would be "easier to remain in his deep hole with her". So he sees getting out of the A as being a big undertaking and that I should appreciate him doing this because it would be easier to stay in it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi, I hope you DO let him know that you DO appreciate it! And what a man he is for standing up to the consequences and taking the hard road. I know it seems irrational for him to expect this, especially since it was HE that dragged you into this mess, but he sees it as a huge sacrifice made for you. That is because he is still somewhat foggy. Usually WS' see things more clearly after they are detached from their affair and the subsequent defense mechanisms that come with it.

Maybe you could tell him how much you appreciate all he is doing and that you will quit questioning him about it because you know that you are in good hands. It seems to really irritate him when you question him, doesn't it? I wonder if he feels like he is being grilled and scrutinized when you do this?

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hi Mel:

After my WS' rant about me questioning, I emphatically expressed my appreciation for all that he is doing for me . I promised him that I would not question him again, that I have faith in him, etc. He was obviously relieved and appreciative of me .

He is open about the questioning making him feel like I do not have confidence in him. I think he has been suffering from low self-esteem and needs for me to pump him up, in general. That was a major need that the OW began meeting so he is afraid that I won't be able to meet it once there is NC. That is why this is so LOADED.

So overall the discussion turned out well now that I think about it. I could reassure him about my ability to meet that need for ADMIRATION ; he felt good about my response to his request. Also I gained enough understanding, for now ,about what is going on. He indicated that he will tell me more details when the time is right. I guess I can believe him.

My major struggle is with him being with her at all. I want to imagine him treating her like he used to treat me as the BS. He certainly seems to find it difficult to part from me. He almost has to force himself to leave. Then he'll begin calling me on my cell phone. This experience would be fun if I did not know where he eventually ends up. I LBed last night and began crying at the thought that I was going to be alone-forgot to take my antidepressant yesterday. I recovered as indicated above but he hated the crying.

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

WS seems to be trying to "get his ducks in a row", as Mel says, before the big boom. I haven't asked questions, just listening. He told me "you know we will have to get all new phone numbers" (home and cell phones). He wanted the payoff amount on my car, says I need a new one although my car is a 2001; I think this is so she won't know the car I am driving. Also, it has been important to him for me to get my passport renewed for a "quick trip"; I took the passport pictures today. It's kind of scary but I don't want to be too paranoid! He continues to be very attentive to me; there is some contact but minimal with the OW.

Will keep you guys posted.

mimi,

my H goes through the same thing. If talks it's OK
When I said somthing about the A he tells me I'm harassing him. I don't ask much. just wish I knew where I stand. Every day living in limbo. Do still feel that way? I follow your posts. I hope when the work issue ends so dose your problem. I just don't see an end to mine. I distract my self, though some days are harder than others. I'm working plan A but how long? When ever I read your posts I can feel your hope. Lots of times it gives me more.My prayers go out to you and your family.

Hang in there Kathy

KP:

I remain cautiously optimistic. I really think my WS is in love with me again. He just called me and I could not get off the phone with him. The hours that he is spending talking and being with the OW are definitely limited. It's certainly not possible for him to talk to/be with us at the same time. He just arranged for me to meet him at the gym this afternoon because he wanted to see me. I think one of the keys is to let him pursue me. He does all of the calling and arranging.

Keep the faith!

Great! March is coming VERY soon. Keep up your Plan A!

mimi,

I work plan A the best I can. My H is living at home.i give him all the space I can, but this leaves me feeling like I'm the OW.(I even leave the room when she calls my house.)After 22 years together it's hard to see my self without him. I'm staying optomistic, but don't want to set my self up for a bigger fall. I WS could see how much there really loved. I hope I able to find someone that lives in Pa. I love to talk to a person on the phone. Ore e-mail let me know if you know someone.

Thanks, Kathy

Kp:
I don't think I could let the OW call my house and worst yet leave the room when she calls. Change your phone number. Firmly tell your WS that is not acceptable. She is being too invasive into your personal space.