Jen:

"So please, tell me any possible "cons" of me phoning him and asking him to go to a movie today. It's early, and I can wait a few hours before I call him."

Okay, Jen. Here goes.

*first, change your subject line to read "...Oh that CHILD!" or maybe "...Oh, that Girly-man!" Well, maybe the latter is a bit off the mark, but honestly... ...I think I'm more upset with him right now than YOU are! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

*2nd. DON'T call him today. Don't call him next week. DO work on that plan B letter (can you believe that ol' Qfwfq is recommending plan B??????? ...neither can he! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I agree with you about feeling uncomfortable playing games. I've felt that doing 180's and stuff like that - "acting happy" - are game-playing exercises. I'm too transparent to ever become an actor. And so my recommendation here is:

*DON'T "act happy." BE happy! Now, if you think about this, you'll probably protest like I did (still do, more often than not) when SC and Crystal recommend that I do that. But try to do what I did: Think of it as a homework assignment - a TOUGH one, to be sure. To succeed at this, you'll have to ask yourself, "what would I need to do to feel genuinely happy?" I think you'll quickly realize that trying to drop hints or intiate "first dates" with your goofy H right now won't get you the happiness you need right now. You need to figure out what it is about JEN that makes you feel happy. What do you like to do for yourself (like your running, for example) that gives you enjoyment, self-worth, even pride? Granted, maybe you can't run all day every day (though I know some people that would if they could! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), but there must be other things. Not just physical things, but philosophical (aka spiritual) thought activities, reading, interacting with a therapy group, counselor, this forum...

For you to be happy, like me, it must be genuine. That's going to take some work. But if you're busy figuring THAT out, maybe you'll stop being so affected by your H's hurtful remarks. And maybe, just maybe, if/when you can get to a point of contentment with YOURSELF, your H will get curious and want to figure out for HIMSELF how to share some of what you've learned...

I hope this doesn't come across as a harsh criticism of you and your approach, Jen. Remember what SC said about a post that he thought was cutting him to the bone last summer? It actually told him to get off the forum and get a life (in effect, I don't think the poster meant "go away"). And he did for a time. But in doing so, he became a much deeper thinker than he was before that time (did I get that sorta right, SC?). I'm just suggesting here that maybe what you need more than anything else right now is a change of focus.

All my best, always,
-ol' Qfwfq

Q - I hear you, I really do. But I'm not up for plan B. It's not in me. I can go for a while without contacting my H, but I can't go to plan B. A break from MB does sound like something I need though. I need to do what feels right in my heart, and to heck with plan A or plan B. It's time for plan Jen.

I love my H with all my heart, he's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just need to keep praying that he'll find forgiveness for me someday, that he'll get some help, that I can maintain healthy boundaries, but also show him how I can love him, and how I can be loveable.

Darn I wish I could go back in time and undo this mess. I want the last 8 months back.

Jen

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I cheated on my H 1 1/2 years ago and I will never live it down. He won't let me. In June of 2002 he started seeing the OW and now he is living with her for the past 2 1/2 months. He is hurting me terriable. He just says if I didn't do what I did he wouldn't be with her. I am not giving up on our marriage what so ever. My H also started drinking again since cheated on him and now it is really out of control, so think the drinking has alot to do with his decision making right now. He doesn't know what he wants, his family or her. She is no excuse.

Jen,

I know what you mean about plan Jen. It is easy to sit on the outside and say do this or do that. Just know that you have lots of support here. People get outraged on your behalf and want to see some breakthrough for you. I understand the concepts behind all this plan a plan b stuff but I doubt that I could actually live up to it if put to the test. In the end I had to do what I could live with...and sometimes that seemed to vary with the day of the week. Do what you need to do. Know that support is here if/when you need it. No judgements just wishes for peace.

Also please know that through sharing your experieinces many of us BS as well as WS have learned a great deal. Thank you.

I hope you don't disappear for good...I worry about you.

ayslyne